


Guys Like Us

by abisexualdisaster, alicorniansheepyllama, Ikal, StormBerryMC



Series: Musical Sadness [5]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Withdrawal, Eventual Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Original Character(s), POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Squip, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Roleplay, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-03-17 15:32:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 110,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13661928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abisexualdisaster/pseuds/abisexualdisaster, https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicorniansheepyllama/pseuds/alicorniansheepyllama, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikal/pseuds/Ikal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormBerryMC/pseuds/StormBerryMC
Summary: Your typical DEH/BMC crossover college story, except there are four different writers involved, each taking control of a main character, and we role-play every interaction with each other's characters.





	1. Evan Hansen: Orientation

**Author's Note:**

> Writers
> 
> Evan Hansen: StormBerryMC  
> Jared Kleinman: abisexualdisaster  
> Jeremy Heere: Ikal  
> Michael Mell: alicorniansheepyllama

Evan stared out the window as his mom pulled into the campus entrance. Balloons, confetti, and the smiling faces of other students greeted them. A year ago, Evan would have shied away from the attention, but now he couldn’t help but feel excited. The moment he had been anticipating for years was finally here. He was at college.

When Heidi found a parking space, she and Evan got out of the car and walked up to a registration table. A woman with a clipboard smiled brightly at them.

“Hello, welcome to Peregrine University! Can I get your name please?” she asked.

Evan smiled and gave her his name. She scanned her clipboard for a moment, before looking back up at him.

“Yes, Evan Hansen. We’re glad you’re here!” she said. Then she handed him a pass. “This will get you through the registration process. Just go in the building and the sign will direct you.” she pointed to the doors behind the table.

Evan thanked her, and he and his mother went in. What followed was a trek from room to room, completing the different steps of registration. Evan got his picture taken, turned in his financial aid papers, and got his room key. He got to skip the step of registering a car, since he didn’t have one. Evan finally left the registration building, and saw the signs pointing to the dorms.

They went to the freshman dorm where there was a guy at a table signing people in. Evan gave him his name, and asked who his roommate was.

“Let’s see…” the man said. “Your roommate’s name is Vincent. He’s a sophomore.”

Evan’s widened. “But… I thought this dorm was for freshman students!”

The man shrugged. “Sometimes the sophomore dorms are full, and they have to put some of them in the freshman dorms.”

Evan thought about trying to get a new new roommate, but then decided against it. Instead, he muttered a thank you to him and headed to his room, Heidi following.

When they got to his room, which had two beds, desks, and dressers, Evan plopped down on one of the beds dejectedly.

“What’s wrong Evan?” asked Heidi. “Aren’t you excited?”

Evan sighed. “I’m going to have a roommate who’s already been here for a year! He’ll already have friends and know his way around. It’s going to be awkward for me to come in and be around him all the time!”

Heidi shook her head. “But Evan, won’t it be great to have someone who knows their way around? He can show you the ropes.”

“But this was the perfect opportunity to make a friend, we’d be living together, and both in the same boat!” Evan argued.  
“I’m sure it’s going to be fine Evan. And even if you don’t get close to your roommate, you have all of the incoming freshman all in the same boat as you. Ready to get to know people.” she paused. “That is the boat you’re in, right Evan?”

Evan shrugged. “I hope so. I mean, like you always say, college is the place where I can start fresh.”

“That’s the spirit!” said Heidi gleefully. “I’m so proud of you!”

“Yeah, I know…” said Evan softly.

After a few moments of silence, Heidi clasped her hands together. “Well, lets go get your things out of the car.”

Heidi and Evan left, and a few minutes later, came back with Evan’s suitcase, backpack, and computer. Evan began to unpack, while Heidi sat on Evan’s bed. When he finished, Heidi opened a box that Evan had set on his dresser. It was his medication.

“Okay Evan, I already set up a refill plan with the Wellness Center. When you run out of medication, you just go over there and they’ll give you more, alright?”

Evan nodded. Heidi gently put her hand on Evan’s cheek, and he looked into her eyes, which shined bright with tears.

“You have so many good things ahead of you,” she said. “and you’ve been doing so well in handling your anxiety. I… I really am proud of you Evan. So proud.” A few tears rolled down her cheeks, and Evan wrapped his arms around her.

“I know you are. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me mom. I wouldn’t have made it here if it wasn’t for you.” Evan whispered.

They continued to embrace for a few seconds, until they pulled apart. Heidi wiped her eyes. “Well, I should get going. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to give me a call or a text, okay?”

Evan nodded. “I will.”

Heidi smiled, and left Evan in his room. Evan spent the next half hour unpacking and putting his things away. Eventually, his watch alarm went off, telling him he had to go. It was time for the campus tour.

Evan payed very close attention on the tour, so that he would be able to find his way around without getting lost. The cafeteria, the wellness center, and the classrooms were the most important to him, but he also took note of the location of the library, coffee shop, and gym too.

After the tour, the freshman students gathered in the cafeteria for dinner. It was very crowded, which made Evan slightly uncomfortable. But thankfully, he was able to compose himself enough to not let it get to him. When Evan was finished eating, he glanced up at the students around him. Then, his eyes settled on someone across the room who he recognized. _Jared_

Evan’s mouth fell open in shock. _Jared. Jared Kleinman. His fr- family friend from high school was going to the very same college as him._

As Evan continued to stare, Jared looked up, and he was certain their eyes met. Evan could see the shock on Jared’s face mirroring his own, but he also saw fear. _Fear?_

Evan didn’t know what to make of that. _Why would Jared be afraid of him?_ He thought about it. They hadn’t ended on very good terms, and never reconnected after high school. Evan took a year off to save up enough money for college, and Jared? Evan realized that he must’ve started college last year, and was now a sophomore. That didn’t explain the fear though. Evan would’ve expected annoyance, anger, or ~~happ-~~ apathy, but fear? When he looked back up, Jared was gone. He was a little disappointed, but he tried not to dwell on it.

After dinner, the freshman students broke up into different orientation groups. Apparently, they were supposed to play different games in order to get to know each other.

 _Geez, what was this, summer camp?_ Evan thought. He could only imagine what Jared had thought of this during his freshman year. He almost laughed trying to imagine what sarcastic comment he would’ve made.

The group leader told everyone to introduce themselves and say their favorite thing about themselves.

Evan thought carefully about his answer, and when it was his turn, he said semi-confidently, “My name is Evan Hansen, and my favorite thing about myself is… my experience with plants and nature.”

One girl looked at him curiously. “What kind of experience?” she asked.

“Well, I spent one summer working as an assistant park ranger, and then another summer working as a florist. I also took an AP class in environmental science.” Evan answered.

“Is that your major?” she asked.

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I’m an Environmental Science major with a minor in English.”

The girl smiled brightly. “That’s so cool! I’m Kathy by the way. I’m a Nursing major.”

Evan blushed slightly at her interest in him, but he returned her smile. “Thanks, Uh… Nursing’s a pretty cool major too.”

Kathy’s smile faltered slightly. “Yeah, it’s a pretty intense major, I’ll give it that. My parents think this will be a really good path for me, so I’m trying to give it my best.

Evan nodded, and looked at the other students in the group. He hoped they didn’t think that he and Kathy were taking up too much time, but they didn’t seem to mind, and continued right along. Everyone had pretty interesting things to say. As they talked more, Evan began to feel even more relaxed. Maybe this icebreaker idea wasn’t so bad after all.

After the games were over, Evan headed back to the dorm. When he got there, he opened the door to his room and saw a guy with jet black hair, a white shirt and an olive green jacket.

He was sitting on the other bed on his phone, and when Evan walked in, he looked up. The expression on his face was one of irritation. In the past, Evan would’ve shied away from such a look, but now he took a step into the room.

“Hi, you must be my roommate. My name is Evan. Evan Hansen.” he said.

The guy looked at him for a minute, before slowly climbing out of the bed and shaking Evan’s hand. “Hey, I’m Vince. Nice to meet you.” he said, sounding a little uninterested.

Evan looked at him for a moment. His eyes drooped in a way that seemed familiar, which Evan decided meant he had seen that look a lot. When he thought further, he concluded that Vince looked exhausted.

He could definitely relate, so he politely nodded, and let Vince get back to what he was doing. He hoped that they could get closer eventually, but for now he decided to let him be.

So Evan got ready for bed, and when he was all relaxed, his mind went back to Jared. What are the odds that the two of them picked and got accepted to the same college? He thought maybe it was meant to be. Maybe the two of them could reconnect.

Feeling a new sense of confidence, Evan pulled out his phone and went to Jared’s contact. He hoped Jared hadn’t changed his number. Before he could talk himself out of it, Evan texted

**Hey Jared, it’s Evan. I saw you today, didn’t know we went to the same college, haha. Anyway, I’d like to talk to you someone and, idk reconnect? hang out? Just let me know.**

With that, Evan continued to browse the internet for awhile until Vince turned out the lights. Then Evan laid down and soon fell asleep.

* * *

 

When Evan woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was check his phone. He saw that Jared had not responded. His shoulder sagged, but he tried not to be too disappointed. _It’s still a little early. Jared might not have seen it yet._ He thought optimistically.

He looked to the other bed and saw that Vince was already gone. Evan got out of bed himself and got dressed. Then he headed to the cafeteria for breakfast.

When Evan got his food, he looked around the cafeteria. He saw two guys, one of whom Evan recognized from the orientation, Peter was his name, and began walking to their table. He could feel his anxiety bubble up as he got closer, but he took slow, even breaths to keep it in check.

When he was a few feet away, the two guys looked up and stared at him. A small part of Evan wanted to run away, but he swallowed and said slowly. “Um… hi. Do you mind if I… s-s-sit with you guys?”

Peter smiled at him. “Sure dude, go right ahead.”

Evan smiled with relief and sat down next to Peter.

“Evan, this is my roommate, Oliver.” Peter said.

Evan looked at Oliver and nodded. “Hello.” he said, groaning inwardly at how awkward he sounded.

Oliver smiled and waved shyly. “Hey, yeah. It’s nice to meet you. Peter was telling me that you’re an English minor. Right?”

Evan tried not to blush at the fact that Peter had been talking about him. After all, it did seem positive. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Well, I’m an English major, so we might be in a lot of the same classes.” said Oliver.

Evan nodded. “That’s cool. What are you planning to do with your degree?” he asked.

Oliver blushed, and mumbled something he couldn’t hear. Before Evan could ask what he had said, Peter put his arm around Oliver’s shoulder. “He wants to be an author! Seriously, he has a whole notebook of story ideas and different characters. Even some drawings!”

Oliver blushed further. “Well actually, my little sister did the drawings. I’m not really much of an artist, but when I showed her my notebook she decided to surprise me with some drawings to go with some of the stories before I left for college.” he explained.

Evan smiled at that. “That’s really sweet! That she did that, I mean. I’d love to see your ideas sometime. If you want. I have a few writing stuff of my own, but I’ve never had anybody else see it, so I’d understand if…”

“You guys could both look at each other’s writing stuff! That’s be so great!” interrupted Peter excitedly.

Oliver shrugged and looked at Evan, seemingly trying to gage his reaction to that idea.

Evan nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good. If you want to do that sometime Oliver, I’d be… down for that.”

Oliver got the biggest grin on his face, and began to look excited. “Okay! Yeah, let’s do that sometime.” He paused for a moment, before asking, “So if English is your minor, what’s your major?”

“Environmental Science.” said Evan and Peter at the same time.

“Oh, how’d you get interested in that?” Oliver asked.

After giving a small glare to Peter to let him know not to answer for him, to which Peter shrugged casually, Evan began talking about his experience as a park ranger, a florist, and his science class during his junior year of high school that was the only bearable part of that year, it was that class that made him interested enough to get the park ranger internship in the first place, and the rest was history. He explained that it was not only a field that really interested him from the beginning, but the fact that it was often the only worthwhile thing he had during a difficult period in his life, made him hooked on all things nature related.

Oliver nodded in understanding. “that’s kind of how I feel about English.”

The three of them talked about many other things after that, and before they knew it, they were being kicked out of the cafeteria because it was closing. Peter looked at his watch.

“Oh, we have to go! There’s an opening welcome or whatever that’s happening, like, right now.”

They got up and went to the Admissions building for the opening welcome. It was the standard welcome for colleges, and Evan didn’t pay a lot of attention. They went over the code of conduct stuff, which Evan had thoroughly studied already, and after that, they were dismissed to their academic meetings.

This was where the students met with the president of their major, who went over the requirements, the types of jobs and paths that are open with the major, and answers any questions the students may have. Evan payed close attention to this, since graduating was important to him. He was a little overwhelmed by all of the advanced science courses he would have to take, but he tried not to let it worry him too much.

 _I am pretty smart after all…_ he thought. Self praise was not an easy concept for Evan. His mom had always said how intelligent he was, but he always brushed it off. At the time, he just didn’t want to get too overconfident, only to be let down… by himself, but he realized that his thinking soon became more self-deprecating.

In between senior year of high school and now, Evan had worked really hard on becoming more confident, and although it still seemed a bit unnatural, it did become easier, and it sure made him feel better.

_Yes, I am smart. I am confident. I work hard, and I’ve made so much progress in my mental health. I still have anxiety, but that doesn’t define me, and I’ve made it easier to manage._

They were words he had heard dozens of times from his mom and in therapy, but the moment he started to believe them was an emotional time that he never thought would come.

The rest of the day was filled with different activities. There was a scavenger hunt around the city near the campus, which Evan assumed was a clever way to help them learn how to navigate around said city. There was a movie, which was pretty forgettable if he were to be honest. The popcorn machine exploding, however, was not a moment Evan would forget anytime soon. The rest of the evening was spent gawking with the other students as firetrucks arrived to put out the tiniest fire they had ever seen.

Evan went back to his dorm and checked his phone. Jared still hadn’t responded to his text. _Maybe it actually wasn’t Jared he saw? Or maybe Jared just doesn’t want to talk to him._

That thought weighed on Evan quite a bit. They ended things so badly, but they had been family friends for years! Maybe that was the point though. Maybe Jared really only hung out with Evan because he had to, and as soon as Evan stopped being a meek, passive pushover, Jared checked out.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone dinging. Evan grabbed his phone and saw that he had a text. Excitedly, he checked his messages, only to find a text not from Jared, but from Peter. Evan swallowed his disappointment and read Peter’s text.

**Petey: Hey man, Ollie bailed on the Falcon Fest and I’m all alone :( you wanna come join me? Pls!!!**

Evan laughed at the text, and considered it. He hadn’t been planning to go to the Falcon Fest. It was a party/pep rally welcoming the freshman students, but anybody could come. Big crowded parties weren’t exactly Evan’s thing.

However, he had been invited, and he did have a good time with Peter earlier. That was when he reached his decision. He was going. to a party.

When he arrived, Evan was glad to see Peter standing by the entrance. He was thankful he wouldn’t have to search through the crowd to find him. When he Peter saw him, he waved excitedly and ran to meet him.

“Dude, thank you so much for coming! I was about to check out like, there ain’t no way I’m gonna be caught standing awkwardly by myself!”

Evan laughed and shrugged. “Well, I’m not much of a party person, but I thought, why not you know?”

“Yeah. I mean, this is college! The place of experience!” said Peter. Then he grabbed Evan’s hand and pulls him into the crowd.

They went to get some punch, and kind of just stood around talking. That was fine with Evan though. Peter had so much energy, and he just fun to be around. At some point while Peter was telling him all about the time he took sailing class and almost sank the boat before it even left the dock, Evan heard someone call his name, turning towards the voice, he saw Kathy running up to them.

“Hey Evan! How’s it going?” she asked.

“Pretty good. I haven’t been to that many parties, but this one is pretty fun.”

Kathy nodded. “Yeah, everyone seems to be having a great time! I haven’t been to that many parties either.”

Peter laughed. “Were we all just anti-social losers until college hit us with yolo syndrome?”

Kathy shrugged. “I don’t know about that. I was homeschooled all the way through school, so that’s why I haven’t been to that many parties.

Peter shrugged. “Like I said, anti-social.”  
Kathy laughed and punched him playfully in the arm. “Come on, I may have been homeschooled but I wasn’t exactly anti-social. I just had to make a point to seek friends out, rather than just being with them automatically in school.” she straightened up. “Which I think gave me a lot of extra confidence, which is pretty useful in college.”

Peter rolled his eyes dramatically. “Yeah yeah, well not all of us had genius parents who saw our corrupted public school system for what it was.”

Peter and Kathy both laughed. Then a song started playing that made Kathy’s eyes widen. “I know this song!” she said. “Come on, let’s dance!”

She pulled Evan and Peter into an open space and began dancing without restraint. Evan wasn’t too keen on it, until the music began to build up, and Evan couldn’t help tapping along. Soon, he and Peter were dancing along with Kathy, gradually becoming more confident.

Evan was surprised when Peter grabbed his hand and twirled him around. He seemed to be having the time of his life, and like it was the most natural thing in the world. Evan realized that he could agree with that. He danced together with Peter until he bumped into Kathy.

He was about to apologize, when he saw expectant gleam in her eye. Evan held out his hand. “Um… you wanna… dance with me?” he asked softly.

Kathy smiled and nodded. Evan took her hand and they danced playfully to the song. As it got more and more upbeat, they danced like crazy. Evan had never felt so alive, and he let the music and the dancing whisk him away, and he just embraced the adrenaline like never before.

Never had he felt so free from his anxiety, and it was a feeling he wanted to last forever. Eventually, he and Kathy separated and the three of them just danced. Evan was laughing and smiling like he was on cloud 9.

If this was how college was going to be, bring it on!


	2. Jared Kleinman: Orientation

“For fuck’s sake!” Jared cursed as his suitcase collapsed to the ground. He knew he should’ve listened to his mother and packed his things into more than one bag, but his stubbornness prevented him from doing the right thing. This wasn’t the first (nor the last) time his personality got him into trouble and Jared was painfully aware of that.

  
It was 2:50 in the afternoon and campus was almost empty, as most of the students have already checked in and went into their rooms to unpack. The few people that walked by gave Jared a confusing look, and he responded with a mean glare. They seemed to judge him for being late, yet they were not on time either. Hypocrites.

  
He picked up the suitcase from the ground, grateful it hadn’t opened and shown its contents to the world. He technically wasn’t embarrassed about the plush teddy bear he carried around, but if he was being honest with himself, he preferred the world stayed unaware of his obsession with the toy.

  
He made his way to the main hall, talked to a couple of acquaintances he saw along the way and made his way to his old room. His old roommate had dropped out to become a professional tap dancer, a decision Jared thought was rather ballsy. He didn’t like his old roommate very much, however, as he always left the room dirty and was always super loud. Jared wasn’t the cleanest person on earth, but he was capable of basic human decency. And so, he decided to encourage the roommate’s dream to get rid of him. As far as he was concerned, it was the best decision he ever made.

  
As he was walking towards the room, he felt his nerves build up. He was hoping he’d be roommates with one of his friends, or at least with someone who was decent enough to not leave his dirty underwear all over the room. One would think the latter is not a very high standard, but with the last roommate, it really was.

  
His mind kept spiraling. What if he got a hot roommate? He hadn’t gotten any action in a while, that was true, but would he really want to share a room with someone around whom he couldn’t control himself? Hooking up with a roommate was not appropriate anyways. But maybe if it was more than a hookup...maybe he could finally forget he-who-shall-not-be-named. Maybe he could finally find the love he’s been craving for so long.

  
He reached the room and stopped for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Having a good roommate was really important to him, but he realized there was nothing he could do to change the person behind the door. His stomach felt like it was floating on water as he anxiously opened the door and saw-

  
_You’re fucking with me, right?_

  
His new roommate was lying on the bed, his raven hair so long he could barely see the comic-no, the manga- in front of him. He didn’t seem to notice Jared standing in the doorway.

  
“Uh…hello?” Jared said warily with one of his eyebrows raised.

  
It took the creature on the bed a good 30 seconds before his eyes left the publication in his hands.

  
“Sup?” the boy responded, clearly uninterested. He had a certain…vibe that Jared couldn’t quite put his finger on. One would consider him an emo of some sort from the book in his hands and the ebony hair, but his clothing was very similar to Jared’s – a green flannel, blue ripped jeans, his socks – and this had to be a joke – a bright red reindeer socks? In September. Jared considered himself pretty good at reading people, but this guy, he could not read at all.

  
“So…uh…I guess I’m your new roommate.”

  
Another 30 seconds went by, with the boy intensely staring at Jared, never looking elsewhere.

  
“I guess so.”

  
Nothing else. No questions, no introduction, no small talk. The two boys just kept staring at each other, the awkwardness hanging in the air. At least that’s what Jared felt in the air. The other boy seemed weirdly confident, never breaking eye contact, almost as if he was trying to establish dominance. It made Jared extremely uncomfortable.

  
After yet another 30 seconds wasted, Jared decided to stop wasting time and moved to his side of the room. The other guy had taken the bed he used his freshman year and he kind of wanted to take it back, but he figured this guy wouldn’t move. Plus, he got here early so he had the benefit of choosing, which was something Jared respected.

  
He spent the next hour and a half unpacking, putting his stuff away and playing on his phone. He didn’t have much to do as the first day was mainly oriented towards freshmen. Some of the older students gave them a tour of the campus while the rest of the students unpacked and caught up with their friends.

  
Jared wondered where his own friends were. They texted him saying they’d come to his room after they unpacked but no one has showed up so far. He guessed they forgot about him and figured he’d see them at dinner.

  
His roommate hadn’t moved during that entire time. He just kept reading his manga, ignoring the world around him. Jared thought it was really weird he still didn’t even know his name but decided he wouldn’t be the one to make the first move. The boy didn’t seem interested in forming a friendship, and Jared knew better than to make awkward small talk with someone only to have them forget his name 5 minutes later.

  
Loud footsteps in the hallway interrupted his trail of thought.

  
The door opened with a loud bang as it hit the wall and before Jared could figure out what was happening, his friends were already on his bed, Lottie wrapped around his neck and Luke sitting on the end of the bed, grinning.

  
“What the fuc-“

  
“OIJAREDHOWAREYOUWEMISSEDYASOMUCH” Lottie shouted in his ear, making him half-deaf.

  
“Yeah, being dramatic again, are we sis?” Luke teased.

  
Luke and Lottie. The weirdest British twins on campus. Granted, they were the only British twins on campus, but Jared was convinced that even if everyone around here had a British twin, these two would still take the prize for being the weirdest.

  
Luke was the popular kid. He was a gym rat, great at sports, tall, his dirty blonde hair hair-sprayed into a perfect wave, his clothes always perfectly ironed and matching. He tried to appear as super macho and tough to others, but those who knew him knew he had a heart of gold. He could win over any girl he wanted, but he didn’t care for girls much. Despite his lack of heterosexuality, his natural sense of humour and charisma made more than one heart skip a beat, and so, his flaws hidden, he was never short on party invitations on a Friday night.

  
And then there was Lottie. The artsy one. The science nerd. The geek, the dork, the weirdo. Whatever you’d come up with, she’s heard it. But she didn’t mind, oh no, she quite enjoyed the “loser” alma mater. She enjoyed big bows in her curly azure hair, big dorky glasses and polka dot dresses that hid her skinny figure perfectly. She never left the house without her art supplies, a microscope and a cup of coffee in her hand. She had a bubbly personality which was too much to handle for some, but not for Jared. Despite her soft looks, Lottie loved sarcasm, dirty jokes and swore a lot. She was living proof that looks can be deceiving.

  
Jared had no idea how the three of them could be friends, since they were all so different. They all had completely different interests, looks, even majors, but, somehow, they just…clicked. And when you click with someone, nothing else matters.

  
“I thought you guys forgot about me.” Jared snickered, half-jokingly.

  
“Well, I almost did, but then Luke reminded me you exist and we figured we should probably come say hi.” Lottie responded, sarcastically.

  
“Right, well that’s nothing new, you forget about me all the time.”

  
“Hey!” The twins both exclaimed, offended.

  
“I was just about to go to dinner, why don’t you both join me? You can be offended there, too, but at least there’ll be food.”

  
“Fine. But you’re giving me your dessert for that rude-ass remark.” Lottie informed Jared.

  
“Shouldn’t you take it easy on the desserts, Lottie? When was the last time your stomach saw a vegetable?” Luke pestered with a grin on his face.

  
“When was the last time someone told you to go to hell, Luke?” Lottie said as she ruffled Luke’s hair. She knew he hated anyone touching his hair more than anything and enjoyed the pissed off look he gave her.

  
As they were about to leave the room, Luke noticed the creature on the bed and raised an eyebrow questioningly at Jared. Jared shrugged, not knowing what to do. Should he invite his new roommate to eat with them? He had no idea. He didn’t even know his name.

  
“Hey, Pete Wentz in 2009, do you want to come to dinner with us? There’s no blood being served as far as I’m concerned, but maybe you can suck out some clueless freshman fangirl.” was Jared’s attempt at being nice. Yes, this was him being nice. He was aware he sucked in this area.

  
The mysterious boy looked up from the manga he was reading, looked Jared up and down and came to an unsurprising conclusion: “Nah, I’m good.”

  
The trio looked at each other, shrugged, and left the room.

Dinner was…edible. They had some sort of noodle dish with questionable meat, but it kept them full. They talked about their summer, laughed at the things they did and enjoyed the few free days before the semester officially started.

  
“I swear it wasn’t like that! It was an accident!” Lottie shouted, half upset, half amused.

  
“No, it wasn’t! You took your bikini top off on purpose because you wanted to impress the girl passing by. Stop lying! We all know the truth anyway.” Luke teased.

  
“Jared doesn’t! He wasn’t even there! You’re making me sound so thirsty. Come on, tell him Jared, tell him you’re on my side!”

  
“Jared can’t possibly take sides in this argument, don’t be absurd! Right, Jared?”

  
Jared’s eyes were glued on something behind the duo, so they both started looking around. Their friend was frozen, unable to move or say a single word.

  
“Hey, Jared, dummy, what are you doing? What’s going on? Are you having a heart attack? Because I swear to god if you make this argument about yourself I’ll flip.” Lottie said, waving her hand in front of Jared’s face.

  
No response.

  
“Jared.”

  
“Jared?”

  
“JARED!” the twins shouted, which finally seemed to wake Jared from the trans he was in. He looked at the twins, his eyes full of sheer panic, and ducked his head so low it looked like he had no neck.

  
“What on earth are you doing?” Luke interrogated, confused.

  
“I-I-h-he-I-E-I-MOTHER FUCKER THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.” was the first thing that Jared could get out. His heart was beating so fast he thought it’d burst any minute, his thoughts racing through his head so fast he was unable to think, his whole body shaking so much he was surprised the fork in his hand didn’t fall to the ground. He tried to hide himself from the threat the best he could, but he was painfully aware the boy he tried so hard to forget saw him. Not only did he see him, he kept staring at him. He felt the boy’s eyes on him, piercing through his skin, making all the repressed feelings come back in a flash. Among the billion racing thoughts, one stood out the most – Run.

  
And so, that’s what he did. He got out of his seat, confusing the twins even more, and ran to the nearest exit. He needed to get out of this room, out of this building, because it felt like the walls were closing in on him. He needed to get outside and breathe some fresh air.

  
When he finally made it outside, he bent over and put his hands on his knees. His breathing was heavy, but it was hardly from the running. Oh no, that was not what took his breath away.

  
The twins found him not shortly after and they had a ton of questions. Jared, however, was in no state to answer them and that was painfully obvious.

  
And so, they stood there with him, waiting for him to calm down.

  
Once he was finally able to perceive the world around him, he sat down on the nearest bench and put his head in his hands. The twins figured this was as good time as any to ask questions.

  
“So…will you finally tell us why you went all Usain-Bolt-finding-out-his-leg-was-amputated back there?” Lottie asked cautiously.

  
Jared let out a hysterical laugh at the analogy. It was weirdly accurate.

  
“Evan’s here.”

  
The twins gasped in unison.

  
“What do you mean he’s here?”

  
“He’s here as in he studies at this school,” Jared pointed at the school, “he lives in that dorm,” he pointed at the dorm where they all lived, “he’s here” Jared threw his hands in the air, “as in I just spent the last year trying to forget him and now I’m right back where I started.” He was pretty much screaming now, the pain, panic and hysteria audible in his voice. “I saw him eating dinner, that’s why I froze.”

  
The duo went silent for a while.

  
“Did he see you?”

  
“I don’t know. I think so. I felt his eyes on me but that could’ve just been placebo. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. If he didn’t, he’ll see me at some point anyway, this campus isn’t that big.”

  
There were no words left to say. There was nothing the twins could say or do that would make Jared feel better. No witty remark Lottie could make, no heart-warming comment Luke could say.

  
And so, they stood there in silence, listening to the crickets chirping. It was a beautiful night, with the sky as clear as a crystal the stars shone through the darkness. Jared would think that was beautiful under different circumstances, but all it did now was remind him of Evan. Evan loved stars and constellations, the way the sky looks like it’s studded with glitter. Jared remembered the way the stars would reflect in Evan’s eyes whenever they’d be out together and felt literal pain in his heart. He hoped the pain was a heart attack, not the excruciating love he felt for Evan even after all this time, but no such luck.

  
The twins walked Jared to his room and said goodnight. They knew Jared needed to be alone and they respected that. They’d see him soon anyway.

  
Jared opened the door to his room and saw his roommate, still without a name, sitting on his bed reading the same manga he was reading when Jared left. Jared thought it was quite impressive to read something for so long.

  
He would’ve asked why he hadn’t moved from his bed all day, but was too tired and sad to talk. He headed straight to bed, pulled the covers over his head and started sobbing. He hated crying in front of people, he hated it more than anything, but he couldn’t help himself. The pain and anger he felt were too strong, and his body didn’t know how else to express them.

  
“Dude. Seriously?”

  
A vague voice said to the night.

  
Jared turned around and saw his roommate looking at him questioningly.

  
“What? You got a problem?” Jared growled.

  
“It’s the first day and you’re already crying. Save the tears for midterms.”

  
Jared couldn’t help but let out a sad laugh.

  
“I wish school was the reason for my tears.”

  
Jared sit up and wiped the tears off his face.

  
“Do you finally want to tell me your name?” Jared asked, hesitantly.

  
“What do you mean, finally? It’s not like you asked.”

  
“I was afraid you’d eat me if I did.”

  
“How original.” The boy scoffed. “The name’s Brody.”

  
Jared burst out laughing.

  
“I’m sorry, is my name funny to you?”

  
“Yeah, a bit. Brody sounds like a name of a high school quarterback not a…well…you.”

  
“Well aren’t you charming.”

  
“Hey, I’m just being honest. You’ll get that a lot from me. I’m Jared.”

  
“Well, Jared, stop your crying, some of us are trying to read here. It’s rather distracting.”

  
“Yeah, what’s up with that? You’ve been in the same position reading that same book all day.”

  
“It’s a manga, not a book. And if you’re a good boy I’ll let you read it sometime.”

  
“Good boy? Kinky.” Jared said with a sad laugh. He didn’t really feel like making a perverted joke, but made a mental note to never pass on another opportunity again.

  
“Hey. Whatever’s got you down will be fine, I’m sure. Just don’t drown your sorrows in alcohol next time, the entire room stinks and I am not willing to put up with that. Now go to sleep, you look like you could use it.”

And he was right. Jared could use some sleep. The events of the day had exhausted him and he suddenly felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. He said goodnight to Brody and turned around.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Evan. How did he get even more handsome in a year? It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. He could’ve chosen any other college, but no, he had to choose the one Jared was in. Of course he chose the one Jared was in. He was used to the universe screwing with him, but this was too much.

But maybe it wasn’t the universe. Maybe Evan did it on purpose. Maybe he chose this school because he missed Jared and wanted to make things right…

  
Jared disregarded that thought sooner than it came. That was ridiculous. Evan didn’t care about him, he never did. No matter what Jared did, Evan only used him to write the stupid emails. They were never actually friends, let alone something more. Evan probably forgot Jared existed and enrolled in this college because he liked it. It was a coincidence Jared was here as well.

  
With the exhaustion from the events of the day, he was on the verge of sleep quite soon, but his phone buzzing interrupted the process.

  
Who could possibly be texting him at this hour? Maybe it was the twins, maybe he forgot something at the party and they were letting him know they had it.

  
Or maybe it was his mom, asking how his first day back was.

  
He usually doesn’t check his texts that late at night, but his curiosity got the better of him and he soon found himself turning around, staring at the phone.

  
What he saw on the screen almost gave him an aneurysm.

  
It was a text from Evan. Jared threw his phone across the room, an action he later blamed on the alcohol he had in his system, earning a weird look from Brody who

knew better than to ask questions.

  
Jared’s heart started beating so fast he thought it would stop any second. His thoughts started racing.

  
_ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodFUCK_

  
He can’t open the text. He simply can’t. Or can he? No. No, that is ridiculous. Evan’s probably asking what’s Jared doing on the same campus as him. He probably thinks he’s stalking him or something. He probably wants him to change schools so that Evan doesn’t have to see his smug face around campus while enjoying his college life, Evan-

  
Jared started crying again, which was the last drop he needed to drift into restless sleep.

* * *

 

The next morning was a blur. Jared spent the entire morning on his phone in bed, recovering from last night’s events and from the amount of alcohol he consumed, trying to keep his mind off Evan. Needless to say, he wasn’t very successful. He was scared of walking around campus and bumping into him and wanted to avoid confrontation for as long as possible.

  
The text from last night haunted him, but he had decided to leave it unopened. He didn’t care what Evan had to say. And even if he did, he wasn’t ready to hear it.

  
He almost skipped the academic meeting but remembered how much it helped him last year and decided to go. The president of his major was nice (and hot), so he figured, why not go? Maybe he’d even hit on him, test the waters. He needed to move on anyways, why not do it with a hot senior?

  
He ended up daydreaming almost the entire time and didn’t catch much of what the president had to say. He figured he’d be fine, being a sophomore and all, and returned to his room a few hours later planning on heading straight to bed, but his plans were hindered by Luke and Lottie who were sitting on his bed, waiting for him.

  
“You can’t spend the entire day in bed, Jared.” Luke started gently.

  
“I didn’t.”

  
“You didn’t?” Luke asked, doubtfully.

  
“I went to the academic meeting, thank you very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to wrap myself in my blanket and pretend I’m an enchilada.”

  
“There is no way we’re letting you feel sorry for yourself the entire evening. We’re taking you out.” Lottie announced.

  
“No, you’re not. The movie’s being screened tonight and then there’s the pep rally and the party. You love those, so we’re not going outside of campus, and there’s no way I’m going to any of those. Evan will be there and I do not want to see him right now.”

  
“Oh come on, Jared, don’t be such a wuss! He probably won’t even be there! Besides, it’s a big crowd, the chances of you seeing him even if he is there are very slim.” Lottie whined.

  
Luke punched her in the arm, reminding her to be more sensitive.

  
“I’m not going. End of discussion.” Jared said firmly.

  
“Come on! He doesn’t even know you’re at this school! Even if he sees you he’ll probably think it’s your doppelganger or whatever. We’re going.”

  
“Oh, yeah, he doesn’t know I’m at this school. Right.” Jared pulled out his phone and started scrolling.

  
“So you’re just going to stare at your phone now? Real classy, Jared, real cl-“

  
Jared held out his hand and cut off Lottie. Both her and Luke were now staring at Jared’s phone, eyes wide open.

  
“Oh my god, Jared. That’s horrible.” Luke sympathised.

  
“Aren’t you going to respond???”

  
“Jesus shit, Lottie, I did not show you the text to get that sort of reaction. No, I’m not. And I’m not going to the school activities tonight, either. End of story.”

  
Lottie stopped to think for a while.

  
“We’re going out either way. We’ll go to Sloppy Sallie’s, the bar we always went to last year. Evan will certainly not be there. We can have a few drinks, I can beat you at pool and take your mind off him. What do you say? The first round’s on me.” Lottie said, got up from the bed and put her arm around Jared.

  
“I don’t want you missing the school activities because of me. It’s fine, just go without me.”

  
Lottie gave Jared the biggest eye roll he’d ever seen, so big he was certain her eyes would stay that way, and pulled his ear.

  
“Listen to me, I am not letting you drown in self-pity. If your dog had died then sure, this would be an acceptable reaction, but you are not staying in bed impersonating an enchilada over some guy. Now come on before I literally drag you in there.

  
“Jesus Christ, fine! Just let go.”

  
“Yay! It’ll be so much fun!” Lottie exclaimed, the devil in her eyes gone, already at the door. Jared sighed deeply. Luke followed her and they both stopped in the doorstep, waiting for Jared.

  
“Well?” They asked, impatiently.

  
Jared turned to Brody. “Hey, you wanna join us? We can use all the help we can get to beat Lottie at pool.”

  
Brody looked up from his laptop. “Sure.”

And so, they went. Jared hated to admit it, but it was better than he expected. Lottie was right. It did keep his mind off Evan. It felt like it was still last year, without all this extra drama. It felt familiar and safe. He was quite surprised at how well Brody fit in their little group, too. He gave off a sketchy vibe, but was a pretty cool dude, which was an opinion especially Luke seemed to share. Jared was excited to see where that would go. 

After a few drinks, a little tipsy and happier than he had been in months, Jared and his friends made their way back to campus. It was 9:30pm and the party was full with excited freshmen trying to meet as many people as possible, enjoying the last hours of freedom before the classes started.

  
“Can we go to the party for a bit? Please please please, Jared, I promise you won’t see E-"

  
“LET’S DO IT!” Jared shouted before Lottie could finish. She raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t object, and the group made their way to the heart of the party. Jared didn’t know whether it was the liquid courage, or an internal need to see Evan again, maybe it was both, but he suddenly really wanted to be at the party. He wanted to have more shots and forget about the pains of yesterday. He wanted to dance with strangers and enjoy this feeling as much as he could.

  
The interior smelled of cigarettes and sweat, an aroma pleasant for few. But they were too drunk to care.

  
They made their way to the dance floor and danced like crazy. Neither of them knew how to do it the right way, but that didn’t matter. They were having fun, and that was the only thing that was important.

  
But, of course, all good things must come to an end. Jared had just finished dancing with a former friend of his and was looking through the crowd, searching for his friends. The dimmed lights of the room made it quite difficult and all he could see were people taking shots, couples kissing and people dancing. And then, he saw him.  
It felt like he was in a movie. As soon as he saw Evan, it felt like the time around him stopped. Every person surrounding him stood still, and all he could see was Evan in the crowd, dancing and having a good time. The dimmed lights shone on his fair hair, his hands in the air, dancing without a care. This was not the Evan Jared remembered. That made him furious.

  
_He looked so happy. So happy without his friend, Jared. How could Jared be so miserable and Evan so happy?_

  
He stood there, frozen, staring. He couldn’t keep his eyes off him, not until Luke brought him back to reality.

  
“JARED! WHAT’S GOING ON?” Luke shouted.

  
Jared took one last look at Evan, who was having the time of his life.

  
“Nothing. I’m gonna need more shots..”

  
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You’re quite drunk already and I-"

  
“MORE. SHOTS. NOW.”

  
Jared said and started walking towards the bar, not bothering to look back whether Luke was following him or not. He knew Evan didn’t approve of underage drinking, which made him dink even more. He knew Evan didn’t know he was drinking, but the mere thought of him finding out somehow made him ecstatic. The rebellious act of doing something Evan would hate made him happy.

  
And so, he drank. And then he drank some more. He drank until he no longer remembered the name Evan Hansen, until nothing mattered but the alcohol in front of him and the music playing, coursing through his veins.

  
The party was coming to an end about an hour later, but Jared wasn’t keen on leaving. Lottie, Luke and Brody had to drag him to his room and put him to bed. It wasn’t an easy task, but it was one they wouldn’t let him forget for months on end.

  
Jared fell asleep that night with the taste of alcohol in his mouth and the feeling of strangers on his skin. He forgot about every worry he had and slept through the night like a baby. If only he knew what was about to come.


	3. Jeremy Heere: Orientation

People often say "Don't worry! Life will get better!" but, when Jeremy was in high school, he would never have believed it.

However, now, as he stands outside his dorm room at Peregrine University, he's starting to. With the SQUIP gone, his new friendships, and his almost repaired friendship with Michael, life seemed to actually be going in the direction he wanted it to.

After a few minutes of silent fear, Jeremy opened the door. He hadn't expected much, save two beds, and a kitchen, and really, that’s what he got. Although, one tiny detail was different.  
There was a rather large TV in the corner of the room,  with a game console - Jeremy didn't know what type - hooked up to it. A few games were neatly stacked on the floor beside it.

As Jeremy turned to place his stuff on his bed, he saw his roommate's - who happened to be Michael! - suitcase laying open on his own bed. It was open, and a few things looked shoved in there, as if he had taken it out and put it back in. In the corner of the room were a few boxes,  
some empty, others still full of Michael's things. Jeremy smiled. Leave it up to Michael to set up the games first.

Setting his things on his bed, Jeremy made a mental note to grab the few boxes of things of his own in his car. He sat on his bed and looked around him, taking in the warm room. When his eyes landed on the window, he couldn't avoid seeing what was out there. However, from  
where he was, all he could see was a giant tree covering the window. He sighed as he pulled out his phone to look at the time.

3:17

Less than fifteen minutes until the campus tour. Jeremy jumped up and rushed out of the room, almost forgetting to turn off the light. He didn't have long.

The tour took longer than he thought, but it was understandable. He found out where his classes would be, meals, and all the extras too. Most things were relatively spread out, but they wouldn't take too long to navigate. Jeremy was just glad he didn't have to walk a million miles to get from class to class. So it was good.

Jeremy pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the time. 5:46. Dinner. Honestly, he didn't have much of an appetite, despite walking around and moving all day, but he knew future him would deeply regret it if he didn't at least eat something.  So he ended up at the cafeteria anyways. It was pretty crowded in the building and students were constantly running around, chatting with friends and grabbing their food. Jeremy wondered how he ever got through it.

In the end, he settled on one slice of pizza and a soda (not Mountain Dew, thank the heavens). Again, he wasn't hungry. When he sat down at an empty table, it wasn't long until people started to sit at it too. Jeremy tried to avoid them, turning away, as he ate his food in silence, but he quickly felt a tap on his shoulder.

He quickly whipped around to see a brunette staring at him uneasily. Her hair was messy and the cap she wore was turned to the back. "Yo, dude. You okay? You're shaking violently."

Jeremy nodded quickly before jumping up, grabbing his tray of food, and rushing away. He  
knew they were going to talk about him but he just couldn't deal with it at the moment. He tossed whatever food was left away, before placing the tray above the trash bin, where the rest were. Grabbing his phone again, Jeremy checked the time again.

6:28.

He sighed as he walked out of the cafeteria. Looking up at the sky, he wondered to himself how he got there in the first place. But no matter, he was.

The rest of the night was about the same. There was the Ice Breakers and Orientation. They didn't do much. Just played games to get to know each other. Jeremy was pretty vague about his answers to questions, and, if anyone asked him about them, he avoided the question altogether. Until they announced the next game.

"The next game is called 'Who Are You?' You'll be getting into groups of three based on...your hair color. When we give you a topic, you’ll talk about it in your groups!"

Sounds simple enough, Jeremy thought. Boy was he wrong.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and, when he turned around, he saw the girl from dinner was there with one of her friends. "Hey, want to join us? I mean you don't have to. Just a suggestion." She smiled.

"Oh...Um...Y-Yeah. Sure." He knew she was his only shot. He wouldn’t ask anybody, and he knew no one would ask him. So, why not? The two lead him to an area in the back of the room, where the three sat. Then, the first question was asked.

"What do you like most about yourself?" Jeremy froze. What did Jeremy like most about himself?

"Ooh! My happy personality! I haven't had to deal with depression, luckily, and I'm glad for that! I feel bad for whoever has, or still has to." Dinner girl’s friend said. "Oh. I'm Kylee by the way." She smiled.

"My favorite thing about myself is my heterochromia eyes. It's fun explaining it and seeing the wonder in their own eyes! Oh! Name’s Max." Max's eyes, sure enough, were two different colors: Green and Blue.

Jeremy hadn't even realized he was silent until Kylee spoke, "What about you?"

"O-oh! Um...I-I'm going to be honest. I don't know..." Both girls frowned.

Until Max smiled, sadly, and set her hand on his shoulder, “It's okay... At least tell us your name though."

"Jeremy."

"Well, hey. You'll do good okay? I promise." Max said, right before the next question was read off.

"Next topic! What are the easiest and hardest emotions for you to express and why?"

Kylee perked up a lot, and she rushed to answer, "Ooh! Easy! Happiness and sadness. Again, I've managed to stay happy so, even when I am sad, people don't know. I've gotten so used to being that shoulder to cry on, that I find it harder to be sad myself. Or, at least to show others that I am." She shrugged.

"For me, it's...Probably anger and disgust. Odd, I know. But, anger? I just can't control it. Disgust? My family has taken me to so many countries that serve so many gross foods. I always had to pretend that it was good, so, now it's second nature." Max said, laughing.

Jeremy was hesitant, but he answered truthfully, "Happiness is fairly happy to express. As for, hardest? Everything else." Both stared at him, confused, "Recently, I was forced to hide pretty much every emotion I ever felt, until they were deemed 'appropriate' for the situation." That's the most he was going to reveal about the SQUIP to strangers. Both girls' faces twisted until they were frowns.

"Wait..why? How?" Jeremy sighed. If this was how the other topics would be, it was going to be a long night.

* * *

Sunday wasn't too different.

First, Jeremy had to get up at an ungodly hour to go eat breakfast. He didn't really eat much, despite his hunger, but really, he wasn’t feeling too much into it. No matter, it filled him up. Not long after, the freshman had to take a group picture. He nearly missed that. There was an opening welcome and a dorm meeting with the dorms but, he didn't really focus on them. He knew he should have, but he just...didn't.

Lunch was after that, where he did end up eating more than he had the night before and breakfast combined. Max, Kylee, and some other people sat at his table again, but no one even acknowledged he was there. So, that was good.

Next, he had to attend a meeting for his major. Most people would think it sort of ironic that his major was Psychology, but, he didn’t. He really didn't.

After that meeting, there was a scavenger hunt around the local shops and parks, lasting only an hour. After that, was a movie (which, if you asked him, he wouldn't remember what it even was) and some games to pass the time, about, 2 hours.

However, the Falcon Fest is what stuck with him.

Jeremy never was good with pep rallys. But those were small. They were in middle and high school. Now, Jeremy was in college. He didn't know what to expect. And that scared him.

However, once there, he didn't care what happened. It's just, all of the bodies around him, talking, laughing, yelling, rushing around.

He was scared.

Jeremy felt his head pound, his skull ready to crack under the pressure.  The voices just got louder and louder with every horrid second. It wasn't long until he felt everyones' eyes burning into him. He heard their crooked laughter as he screamed in his head. He grabbed his head as if he was dying. His breathing quickened until he couldn’t breathe at all.

Before he could have a full-fledged panic attack, Jeremy ran out of the room, away from the laughing bodies with faces he couldn't place names to. He leaned on a wall, close to the entrance, and slid down. His face was drenched with tears he didn't know were even there. He  
laid his head onto his crossed arms, that were on his knees, and just waited. Maybe he could skip the Falcon Fest altogether. But, then again, what if someone found him and dragged him in? Well, he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it.

Jeremy just needs to learn to burn the bridges instead of crossing them.


	4. Michael Mell: Orientation

When Michael arrived at his dorm room, he found it empty. Knowing he had gotten there before Jeremy, he chose a bed and threw his suitcase onto it. He looked around, and grinned at the sight of the empty space. Now, he _could_ start unpacking his things like a responsible college student… or… he could set up the video game system.

 _Well, no question about the right choice!_ Michael thought as he started unpacking his TV, Xbox, controllers, and games. It took awhile to untangle all of the cords and plug them in, but eventually in was all in order.

Michael looked at his watch and saw that he still had a lot of time left before the next event. He stepped outside of the room and walked down the hall to the lounge. There, he found three guys sitting around and chatting. Sighing, Michael approached them. _He could do this…_

“Hey my dudes! How’s it going over here?” Michael asked loudly and confidently.

They looked at him, and one shrugged. “We’re just getting to know each other. Never too early for that. You wanna join us?”

Michael nodded and sat down. “My name’s Michael. Who’re you guys?”

The one who shrugged pointed to himself and said, “I’m Peter.” And before the other could answer, he pointed to them and said, “That’s Alex and Caden. They’re roommates. And brothers. Twins, in fact”

Michael nodded and looked at Peter. “Where’s your roommate?”

Peter sighed. “He’s not here yet. I’ve chatted with him online and kind of got to know him already, but I guess he forgot to mention he has a punctuality issue.” he said sarcastically.

“My roommate’s not here yet either.” said Michael. Sure hope they don’t make it a pattern, or we’ll be keeping track our schedules and their’s, am I right?”

Peter grinned. “Yeah man, maybe we should be roommates instead.”

Michael laughed. “I’d totally be down for that, if we were allowed to switch.”

“Well, it’s not like security comes to make sure everybody sleeps in the right rooms, so…” Peter said, raising an eyebrow.

“Now I don’t wanna start breaking rules before college even starts!” Michael said. “Gotta keep up my perfect school record.”

“Oh, is that so?” Peter asked. “And how’d you keep from snapping in the soul sucking environment that is public school?”

Michael comically looked around and leaned in. “One word: weed.”

Peter gasped. “No! Not the gateway drug! Oh Michael, we’re gonna need an intervention!”

By this time, Michael and Peter were practically rolling on the floor. They would’ve kept going, if Alex hadn’t pointed out that it was time to go on the campus tour. They all stood up and walked out together.

On the tour, Michael and Peter hung around in the back, making sarcastic comments at everything.

At dinner, Michael sat with Alex and Caden. If he could use one word to describe them, it would be… nice. They were just decent guys. Kind of passive and reserved, but nice. Michael could work with that.

“So, are you two enjoying everything so far?” he asked.

They both nodded. “The campus is a lot bigger than I expected.” said Alex. “Well, not big I guess just… spread out.”

Caden agreed, and Michael nodded. “Yeah, honestly it’s a little nerve wracking, especially since I came from a pretty small high school.”

Caden smiled. “Don’t worry Michael. College can be pretty intimidating, but we’re all in the same boat.”

“Thanks for the reassurance. I really needed that. You guys are great!” Michael said warmly. To his delight, both of them smiled at the compliment. _Another friend group gained_ Michael thought, smiling to himself at how it felt like unlocking an achievement in a video game.

After dinner, the new students broke up into different groups. Michael was in the same group as Alex and Caden, and got to know them a little better. Even after the group went their own separate ways, he stayed with them and talked for awhile.

By the time he made it back to his room, Michael saw Jeremy sleeping. He climbed into his own bed and followed suit.

* * *

 

The next day was full of activity. Michael jumped from one event to another with full energy. He saw Peter again at the academic meeting, and found out that they would have several classes together.

“I don’t know why we majored in communication if we’re already so good at it!” said Peter.

Michael smirked. “Right?”

Peter pulled out his phone. “Hey, why don’t we exchange numbers? I got some stuff going on today off-campus, but I’ll be back for the Falcon Fest. You wanna come with me and my roommate?”

Michael nodded, and he got Peter’s number. He had already gotten Alex and Caden’s numbers, and a few other guys’… and girls’.

After still more stuff to do, Michael finally ended up back in his room. He didn’t know where Jeremy was, but he didn’t think about it too much.

Now he could finally start unpacking. He was meeting Peter at the Falcon Fest later. It had already started, but as Peter had said, “See, you arrive at the party when everyone’s pumped up, but drained. With full energy, you become the life of the party!”

He opened his dresser and began to put his clothes into it. Suddenly, Michael heard the door open. He turned with a wide grin on his face, only for it to fade. Jeremy stood in the doorway, noticeably disheveled. His eyes were red, and his face was stained with dried tears. Michael watched carefully as Jeremy silently walked into the room, gripping his arms close to his chest, trying to make himself smaller.

“Jeremy? What’s up? You okay?” asked Michael concerned.

Jeremy turned slightly and shook his head. “Huh? Oh! Nothing, It… it’s not like I got scared a-at the Falcon Fest and had a-a panic attack…all…alone…” he bursts into tears.

Michael’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of Jeremy crying. He walked over to his friend and put his arm around his shoulder. “Oh Jeremy, I’m sorry you had a tough time. It’s just a party though. Those things are tough for a lot of people.” he paused, trying really hard not to bring up stuff he wanted to keep dead and buried. “Panic attacks suck, but trust me, you’ll be a lot better off not dwelling on it now that it’s over.”

Jeremy seemed to calm down a bit. “I-I know…I just… It’s harder when…when no one’s th-there to help you through it…And I-I know you know that t-too…”

Michael winced, hopefully not too noticeably. _So much for that stuff being dead and buried, it was more like a zombie… always coming back up._ He pushed the thought away. “Yeah, but I’m here to help you buddy. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

“I-I know…I know” Jeremy said sniffling.

“Hey, you wanna play video games with me?” Michael asked, hoping to get Jeremy’s mind off it. “We don’t want to stay up too late since we start classes tomorrow, but maybe it’ll help you calm down.”

Jeremy looked thoughtful for a moment, before nodding. “Yeah…sure, and I hope it does.”

Michael nodded. “Me too.” he took Jeremy’s hand and led him over to the TV, where he had set two small beanbags in front of it. He popped in a co-op shooter, took a controller, and handed the other one to Jeremy, who hesitated for a moment, before taking it.

The two began to play, and after awhile, the tension seemed to fade away. Every so often, Michael glanced in Jeremy’s direction. They began to crack jokes together, and actually have some fun. When it began to grow late, Michael couldn’t hold back a few yawns.

“You feeling better at all?” asked Michael.

Jeremy sighed contentedly. “Oh…Um, yeah actually.” he lets out a small laugh. “I almost forgot about it.”

Michael smiled. “Good! Well, it’s getting late. I think you could use a fresh start. Once you start classes tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll feel more comfortable here.”

“Yeah…You’re right.” said Jeremy, yawning. He rubbed his still red eyes and got up to go to bed Upon reaching it, he laid down, still in his clothes from the day.

Michael laughed. “Now Jeremy, I don’t want to be your parent here, but I’m sure you’d be more comfortable in pajamas.” He walked over to his bed and picked up his phone, still talking. “I know I always feel crummy after sleeping in my…” he trailed off as he stared at the screen of his phone. He blinked, and scrolled down slowly with an unreadable expression on his face.

Jeremy started to sit up with a childish pout on his face. “Awww, but I’m too…tired to…Michael?”

Michael looked at Jeremy. “Oh sorry, some friends I made during orientation just added me to a group chat. What was I… Oh yeah, I feel crummy when I sleep in my day clothes.”

Jeremy sighed. “You’re right. Future me will hate me if I do.” He walked over to his suitcase, which he hadn’t put away yet, and pulled out some night clothes. Without a second thought, he started to change into them.

Michael’s eyes widened slightly, and he couldn’t help blushing a little. Jeremy didn’t notice and continued changing, while Michael stared, not knowing how to react.

Eventually, Jeremy finished, he glanced up and saw Michael staring at him, wide eyed. His face went red. “Oh…um…”

Michael blushed harder. “S-sorry, I just didn’t expect, uh…” he turned and got into bed, trying to hide his embarrassment, but he was still wearing his day clothes himself.

“Wait! Look who’s getting into bed now? Mr. I-feel-crummy-when-I-sleep-in-my-day-clothes!” Jeremy said, his blush slowly fading.

“Right, y-yeah.” stammered Michael. He got up, got his pajamas, and began to change into them. Jeremy turned around quickly, his blush returning.

When Michael finished, he got into bed He saw Jeremy turned away from him, and cleared his throat. “Okay, I’m done.”

Jeremy whipped around and rushed to his bed, trying to hide his face. “Y-yeah…okay…”

Michael reached over and turned off the light. “G’night Jeremy.” he said.

Jeremy lay facing away from Michael, but he glanced over his shoulder for a moment to whisper, “Night.”

Michael pulled out his phone, and looked at the most recent text in the group chat.

**Petey: @michael-mell Where were you? My roommate bailed on me, and I was all alone!!! You’re lucky I still had fun with my other friends ;) Seriously tho, ???**

*michael-mell changed his name to mich-drop*

**mich-drop: Sorry man, had some roommate issues to sort out. I had to stay with him**

**Petey: Yikes! Everything okay?**

**mich-drop: Yup, everything’s good now! I’ll see you in public speaking class tomorrow, ciao!**

Michael sighed and numbly began to browse the internet. Eventually, he heard Jeremy snoring softly. He put his phone down, and tried to go to sleep, but found it difficult for some reason. _Why are you acting so weird about this? People change themselves for different people all the time._ Michael told himself. _The tactic worked! You’re going to make lots of friends!_ He nodded, knowing that this was something he had to do. Soon. Soon, he wouldn’t _need_ Jeremy anymore. With that thought, Michael was finally able to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of orientation! The next four chapters will focus on the first day of class, but then after that, the writers can do whatever they want with the characters! So, you kind of saw what the interaction with Jeremy and Michael was like. their writers role-played that interaction, so it was raw and unpredictable. Then it got converted into the chapter, and that's what you get! Hope you're excited about what's coming, cause I sure am! 
> 
> And yes, the Peter in this chapter is the same one in Evan's


	5. Evan Hansen: First Day

Evan’s eyes flew open at the sound of a blaring alarm. He turned his head slightly to see Vince turn it off and roll out of bed.

Now, Evan had found out a number of years ago that alarms made him anxious. He didn’t know why exactly, but any time he heard that particular alarm, which was what most of them sounded like, his heart would drop and a chill would run down his spine. This happened even when he heard the sound in a movie or commercial. It was just… a stressful sound for him to hear.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a minute, trying to slow down his quickening heartbeat. Eventually, he recovered enough to get out of bed. These things that only made him physically anxious were much easier to manage. With the mental part of his anxiety, he would also have to control his spiraling thought process.

Looking back, Evan couldn’t believe how much he had improved since high school. It wasn’t that his his thoughts were less anxious per say. No, once his mind really got going, it was still just as difficult to stop. What Evan was getting better at, however, was stopping his mind from going to that place. For once, he could actually be proud of himself.

Evan got out of bed and put some clothes on, grateful that Vince was currently off in the bathroom. He was putting stuff into his backpack for the day when he heard the door open, but he didn’t look up. Then Evan took a seat on his bed and reached into a box beside it, pulling out his medication. He was just about to take it, when he noticed Vince staring at him.

Evan felt a little self conscious, but he pushed past it and downed two pills, Vince continuing to lock eyes him with intently. Finally, Vince spoke.

“What’s that stuff for?” he asked bluntly

Evan forced himself not to look away in shame. After a moment, he answered, “It’s for anxiety.”

Vince’s expression was unreadable. He just nodded to himself and then asked, “Is it Xanax?”

Evan couldn’t help but be a little surprised, but he nodded.

Vince looked lost in thought, but then he gave Evan a tight smile. “Yeah, my sister takes Xanax, so I’m kind of familiar with stuff like that.”

Evan breathed a sigh of relief. He had been a little worried that Vince wouldn’t be understanding towards Evan’s issues, but it looked like he had nothing to worry about. He returned Vince’s smile with one of warmth and gratefulness.

After a few moments of silence, Evan got up and slung his backpack around his shoulder. “Well, have a good day.” he said to Vince.

Vince nodded. “You too.”

Evan left the dorm and walked to his first class. It was called identity and vocation. He didn’t know exactly what that meant, but he was very interested to find out. He arrived at the classroom, except it wasn’t just a classroom. It was the school theatre. It turned out that this class was required for every freshman, so they had to find a place with enough room for everyone. Evan found a seat in the fourth row from the front, and sat down.

After a few moments, the teacher came out. She was dressed nicely, and a pair of glasses framed her face. She had dark red hair that was tied back into a neat bun. She set a small stack of papers onto a podium and stood behind it. “Good morning. Welcome to identity and vocation.” she said. “My name is Pauline Bordeaux. You may refer to me as Dr. Bordeaux.”

Dr. Bordeaux began teaching, and it quickly became clear to Evan what kind of class this was. It was like an odd self motivation class. Some of the things she said were borderline harmful, but they passed by so quickly that few would notice. There was one thing she said that made Evan sit up straight and try to comprehend whether or not what she said justified his reaction, which was having his breath caught in his throat for a moment.

“You can't live your life doubting yourself and then question why you didn't succeed. You can't create your own storm inside yourself and then complain when it rains. The key to success is confidence in yourself. Do not let negative thoughts run your life. Control them. It's not that hard if you're truly willing to do it.”

Now, maybe Evan was reading too much into it, or he was just too sensitive, but he couldn’t help feeling a little hurt by her words. Yes, having confidence in yourself is great and all, and he was definitely getting better at it, but that last statement…

“It’s not hard if you’re truly willing to do it.”

The thing was… it was hard for him. He still had to fight every day to not panic every time he had to speak to someone, or doubt himself to the point of self hatred every time he did something wrong. Was she suggesting that if confidence and positive self talk didn’t come easy, he simply wasn’t trying? That he was just some masochist who wasn’t really willing to change?

Okay… maybe he was being too sensitive, but it really made Evan uncomfortable. He squirmed a little in his seat, face strained. To his surprise and slight horror, he felt tears in the corner of his eyes. He fought them back, ashamed that he had let this affect him so much.

 _This is college. Seriously, get a grip!_ he thought to himself.

Thankfully, he was able to make it through the rest of the class without issue. Dr. Bordeaux told the class that they would have to take a personality test, and the creator of said test would be a guest speaker in a future class. Evan never liked personality tests. He always got conflicting answers, but he tried to think positively as he grabbed a booklet. _This was college! It had to be better than those online things, right?_

Evan went to his next class, Composition 1, trying to put the previous class out of his mind. The fact that this was a writing class certainly helped. He sat down at a desk in the second row, and began getting out his things. His notebook, his textbook, and... oh no, his pencil. _How could he forget a pencil!_ He inwardly groaned, and after a few moments of preparing himself, he nervously leaned over to the guy sitting next to him. “Hey, um... sorry to bother you, but do you have an extra pencil?”

The guy turned to look at him, looking confused for a moment, before his eyes cleared. He held out his hand to hand Evan the pencil he already had. “Here. Have this one. I have more.”

Evan was relieved “Thank you.” He turned to focus on the teacher. Thankfully, unlike his last class, he was very interested in what the teacher had to say. At one point, the teacher called on pencil guy to read what was on the powerpoint. At first Evan was thankful that it wasn't him, until he realized that pencil guy seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts. Evan nudged him, and he jumped a little.

“Huh?” he whispered.

“I said, would you please read the slide for us?” asked the teacher, impatient, but not unkind.

The guy blushed and stammered. “Uh…Um….s-sure…”

Evan felt bad for him. Flashes of his nervous high school days nearly made him cringe. After the class was over, Evan returned the pencil. “Thanks for letting me borrow it.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure.” he said, looking a bit distant.

Attempting to ease the awkwardness, Evan decided to small talk. “So, uh... you an English major?” he asked.

He snapped into focus. “No, actually. Psych Major.”

Evan nodded. “Oh nice. Psychology's definitely interesting. I'm an environmental science major myself. minor in English though.”

“That's cool. Why environmental science?” he asked.

“Oh, well..." Evan shrugs shyly. “I'm just really fascinated by plants, trees, and nature in general.”

The guy gave a small smile. “I’m guessing you know a lot?”

Evan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly “Heh, I guess you could say that. Anyway, why'd you choose psychology?”

Pencil guy froze for a few seconds before relaxing “Oh. It uh...It just...I guess I'm..into it?” he said awkwardly.

“Well that's fine.” said Evan. “Everyone should be into their majors. It should make it easier when the schoolwork gets tough.”

"Yeah it does."

“Helps confidence too.” Evan continued. “At least it seems like a better solution than just... be confident.” he finished, coyly referring to the identity and vocation class.

“Yeah.” He started to seem a bit distant again, lost in his own thoughts.

“Is something on your mind?” asked Evan

The guy’s eyes widened “Oh! No, not really.”

“Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you. I have to go to my next class.” Evan said, slightly regretting deciding to small talk, thinking he had just made this guy uncomfortable.

Pencil guy gave a little wave. “Yeah. It was nice to meet you too!”

Evan walked away to his next class, but then he suddenly realized he didn't get the guy's name. He turned around, to find that he was already gone. He also soon realized that it wasn’t a class he had next, but lunchtime. Evan was suddenly aware of how empty his stomach felt, and walked quickly to the cafeteria.

On his way, he spotted Peter ahead of him with two other guys. Gathering courage, he ran to catch up with them. “Peter!” he called.

Peter turned around and smiled as Evan approached. “Hey buddy, having a good day so far?” he asked.

Evan nodded. “Yeah, definitely interesting, but not too bad.” he saw that one of the guys with Peter was Oliver, but he didn’t recognize the other one. “Hi Oliver.” he said.

Oliver smiled and waved, but before he could say anything, Peter pushed him aside so that Evan could see the other guy.

“Evan, this is Michael. Michael, this is my buddy Evan.” Peter said excitedly. He whispered something in Michael ear that Evan didn’t catch, but he saw Michael blush.

Michael looked at Evan and smiled widely. “Hey, it’s great to meet to Evan!”

Evan gave an awkward smile. “Yeah, it’s nice to meet you too.”

Michael stared at Evan for a moment, before Peter broke the silence. “Alright my dudes, how’s about we all head to lunch. Care to join us Ev?”

Evan held back a cringe at the nickname, a painful reminder of Jared, who used to call him that up until the end of middle school. “Yeah, let’s go.” he said to Peter.

Having lunch with the three of them was pretty fun. Evan was so used to eating alone, and it was nice to have some company. Evan learned that he was a pretty observant person, and it was interesting to pick up certain things about his new friends just by watching them.

For instance, Peter was a very lively person. Loud, fun, and slightly obnoxious, he frequently interrupted people seemingly without meaning to. Every so often though, he would show a sensitive side, especially with Oliver. He seemed to really care about him.

Oliver was shy and quiet. Evan didn’t know him well enough to say it was anxiety more than just shyness, but he did remind Evan of himself in many ways. Either way, Peter seemed very supportive of Oliver, never criticizing him for being quiet, and always trying to get him engaged in the conversation, but not in a condescending way at all.

It kind of reminded Evan of his relationship with Jared when they were younger, before middle school happened and Jared realized that Evan was holding him back from the popular crowd. It had quickly become clear that Jared wanted to distance himself from Evan, which started the whole family friend and car insurance bit. He hoped that wouldn’t happen with Peter and Oliver, but Peter seemed to care about Oliver a lot, and Evan would be there to support Oliver if that ever went down.

 _Us shy guys gotta stick together._ Evan thought to himself with suppressed laughter.

Michael was much harder to read. He acted very similar to Peter in a lot of ways, but seemed a little more exaggerated. Whenever Peter would say something to Oliver, Michael would look at the two of them with… well, Evan didn’t know how to describe it. He just looked a little lost. The strangest thing was when Peter went to the bathroom, and Michael changed completely.

“Did you have a good day Ollie?” Michael asked in a kind and soft voice.

Oliver shrugged. “It was okay. I got a little stressed out in Identity and Vocation, but I talked to Peter afterwards and he kind of calmed me down.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, that teacher had no idea was she was talking about. It was pretty crazy…” he got a strange look in his eye for a moment before sighing. “Having a friend like Peter to reassure you after that must’ve been nice, huh?”

Oliver nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I’ve made a lot of great friends here already, which is more than I can say for high school, but Peter is probably my closest friend so far.”

“Aw, I’m flattered Ollie!” said Peter, coming up behind him.

Oliver whipped around. “Peter! I didn’t see you there.”

Peter laughed. “It’s alright. As far as close friends go, you’re pretty high up there for me too.”

Oliver grinned as Peter sat down. Evan noticed that as soon as Peter got back, Michael switched back to his original Peter-like personality. Evan realized that Michael might just be changing himself drastically based on who he was talking to.

Honestly, Evan didn’t know what to make it. It wasn’t “wrong” exactly, but Evan couldn’t help wondering what his true personality was, and why he was choosing to do this. After some thought, he decide not to worry about it too much. He could just be trying to make friends easily. It wasn’t the way Evan would’ve gone about it, but it wasn’t his place to judge.

Before he knew it, lunch was over, and the four of them went their separate ways. Evan’s next class was biology, so he made his way to the science building.

Biology: the study of life itself. It’s such a broad topic. Evan should’ve expected that class to be the toughest. After going over the syllabus, which that alone was more stressful than all of his other classes, with a long list of reading, quizzes, and exams, they actually got into the textbook. There was so much information, Evan thought his brain would melt.

It didn’t, but Evan left the class feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. _What if the class is too hard? What if I can’t do it? If I fail and can’t major in environmental science anymore, what will I do?_ All of these thoughts were swirling around Evan’s brain when he got back to the dorm. He just needed some peace and quiet.With some relaxation, Evan was sure he could be more focused and rational.

What Evan received, however, was the exact opposite. He walked into his room, only to be greeted by loud noises. Vince was sitting on his bed with someone else, and they were both playing a video game that was set up on Vince’s desk, and they were yelling loudly.

Vince saw Evan and waved. “Hey, look who’s back!” he pointed to the guy sitting next to him. “This is Dustin.”

Evan waved awkwardly, but Dustin was too engrossed in the game to notice. Evan tried to focus on himself. He sat on his own bed, and opened his Biology textbook, hoping that getting ahead of the reading could calm his nerves, but it was just too loud. He even tried playing music on his pair of headphones, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t want to be rude and ask them to quiet down or leave, so Evan grabbed his backpack, slid in his textbook, and left the room.

Evan found his quiet place in the library. He opened his textbook and began to read. He ended up being right, as it did calm his nerves about the class, at least for the time being. After awhile, Evan had to go to the bathroom. It might be a little silly, but when he got up and asked the librarian where the bathroom was without a trace of fear, Evan felt proud of himself.

When Evan was leaving the bathroom a few minutes later, he caught sight of someone who made his heart seemingly leap into his throat: Jared. He was just sitting there, in a corner. It was almost too perfect. Evan clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

Ever since he found out Jared was here, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Jared, his _friend_ from high school, had plagued Evan’s mind throughout his recovery from the Connor Project. Memories of the immense guilt, shame, and fear he felt came rushing back to him. The nights his mom held him as he sobbed, but he couldn’t tell her why. He had missed Jared, but he couldn’t bear to admit what he had done. Even if Jared had only wanted him around for car insurance, at least he had wanted him around at all. And then, of course, Evan had to go and screw up the one thing he thought even he couldn’t destroy.

 _But maybe Jared doesn’t mean what he says…_ Evan thought hopefully. In the past, he didn’t know which would be worse. If Jared truly didn’t care, or if he was just distancing himself because Evan was such a loser in high school. But now he knew that if it was the second, then Evan could prove that he had changed, and that he wasn’t a loser anymore. Perhaps there was hope for their friendship after all.

Evan took a deep breath, and walked over to Jared.


	6. Jared Kleinman: First Day

When Jared woke up the next morning, he wished he was dead. Not because of the situation with Evan, as one may think, oh no. The real issue he was dealing with was the horrible headache he had that made his head feel like it was seconds from exploding. His breath was so bad it could kill, and every inch of his body hurt.

He didn’t remember much from last night. What he did remember, however, was the  
excruciating pain he felt that made him drink so much. It went away when he was drunk, which felt great for the time being, but it was right back now, as strong as ever. Jared made a mental note to not drink his sorrows away, as it obviously didn’t work, not to mention it wasn’t the healthiest coping mechanism.

Despite being away, Jared didn’t want to get up. He knew he’d have to face Brody, who was bound to have a lot to say. Jared didn’t know Brody that well, but he didn’t peg him for a guy that’d miss the opportunity to make fun of someone. And god knows there was a lot of things to make fun of from last night.

And so, he just stayed in bed, hoping Brody had class and would leave soon, trying to remember the events of the night before. It was all a blur, but he could remember some things here and there. He wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

“I know you’re awake.” Brody said to the silent room.

Jared sighed deeply. So much for not facing Brody. “Good morning to you, too.” Jared said as he turned around on his bed, anxious to find out what Brody had to say.

But, to Jared’s surprise, Brody was silent. He didn’t even bother to greet Jared and went right back to being on his phone.

“You’re not going to say anything?“ Jared interrogated, suspicious of the other’s silence.

Brody looked up from his phone and gave Jared a weird look. “What do you think I should say?”

Jared was getting more confused by the second. “I don’t know, I guess I just thought-”

“You thought what? That I would thank you for inviting me to hang out with your lame friends?”

Jared had no idea what was going on, but didn’t like the fact his new roommate just called his friends lame. “What? What are you talking-”

“Oh, thank you so much, my Lord and Savior, how could I ever live without knowing what it’s like to hang out with pathetic losers like you and your friends!” Brody said as he got up from his bed, gathering his things and putting them in his bag.

“What the fuck, Brody? That’s not what-”

“You know what, I thought you’d be pretty chill, but it turns out you’re just a dick, just like your friends! Just leave me alone!” and with that, Brody stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.  
Jared was in awe. He had no idea what just happened, or why Brody was so upset. He thought it was quite odd how he kept saying his friends were lame or stupid, since from what Jared could remember, they all got on quite well. He made a mental note to ask his friends about yesterday, determined to find out why his roommate was being such an asshole.

He stopped thinking about it for the time being, as he had to get ready for class. He had no time for a shower, so he figured changing into clean clothes and putting some extra deodorant on should be enough. He brushed his teeth like three times before his breath was fresh and minty again, and he instantly gave up on his hair as there was no way that nest on his head would look even close to presentable today. He figured it was fine, as no one in class cared how he looked anyway.

The mere thought of putting some food into his system made him gag, and so, out the door he went. The first lecture of the day was also the worst one possible – British literature. Lottie made him take it, saying how entertaining it can be, and he hated himself more than ever for listening to her.

He got to class and sat down next to a dude who looked even more out of place than himself. He got in just in time, the class started basically as soon as he sat down.

And Jared was baffled, because the class was actually…good? He couldn’t believe it. He hated literature in high school, but this was…different. The professor, Mrs. Kuchinski was her name, was so passionate about the topic she presented, and it was captivating. Despite the horrible hangover he had, he found himself paying attention the entire time.

Since he had no other classes, Jared spent the day in his room going through the British literature syllabus, actually looking to the reading, and taking a peek inside his math textbook. Jared would never admit it, but he had an undying love for math. _What a nerd, right? But if one thing had carried his lazy ass to high school graduation, it was the one subject he aced._

He looked at the time. _Shit… Brody could be done with his classes and heading back here at this very moment!_ Jared definitely didn’t want to deal with Brody. His head hurt too much for that. So, he decided to leave the room and hang out somewhere else.

Once outside, he considered his options. He could go find Luke and Lottie and ask them about yesterday, but he was almost sure they both had more classes to attend. He started looking around, searching for a safe distant hiding spot. He saw a coffee shop nearby, but that was too noisy and crowded for his current needs. He considered staying outside, but he didn’t like the sun very much and figured he’d just get bored anyway.

As he was walking around campus, trying to figure out where to hide from the world, he saw the library not far from the coffeeshop he refused to enter.

He wasn’t too much of a book guy, and he never went to the library, but his newly found fondness of literature convinced him to give it a try. It was quiet and out of the sun, with no people bothering him, so it was pretty much perfect.

As he entered the building, the size of it surprised him. It looked much smaller from the outside, but once you entered, the walls stretched out so far you couldn’t properly see the end.

It had a rather vintage-y feel, but Jared kind of liked it. Of course, he would never admit that to anyone.

Jared made his way through the shelves, searching for one book in particular. It was the one that they talked about in British literature today – Waiting for Godot. It was so weird but sounded so fun, Jared couldn’t wait to read it. Plus, it was their assignment until next lesson, so at least he would get some work done early, something that he never did.

He took the book out of the shelf and started searching for a private place to read. He looked for a while until he saw a distant corner at the end of the library which no one seemed to be taking advantage of.

He sat down in the corner and opened the book. He couldn’t believe how much he was enjoying it. His headache was a little more bearable now, he had the privacy he so desired and he had something to do until his friends were free to talk. Things were looking up.

He was completely unaware of the world around him. With a small grin on his face from the text he was reading, he couldn’t help but think how great this day turned out to be and how happy he was about his hiding spot.

He was, indeed, very happy, until he heard a familiar voice clear his throat.

_NO._

Jared looked up to see Evan, standing over him, an unsure expression on his face.

_This cannot be fucking happening._

“EVAN! I-I mean,” Jared cleared his throat, “Evan…”

There was a moment of silence between the duo. Jared stood up swiftly, not wanting Evan to look at him from above. This was a position he imagined more than he’d like to admit, but the scenario in his dreams was slightly…different.

“Sup?” _Sup? What the fuck was that, Kleinman? Who says that? Real brilliant attempt at trying to insanely look cool._

“Hey, I um...didn’t know we applied to the same college. It’s…kind of funny I guess, if you think about it.” Evan said while rubbing his arm awkwardly.

_Hilarious_

“What are the odds, right?”

Jared laughed dryly. “Right.”

“So...what are you majoring in?”

 _How to make a complete fool out of myself, apparently._ “Computer science. What about you?“

Evan paused for a moment. It seemed like he was hesitant to answer, which made no sense to Jared. “Environmental science...with a minor in English.” he muttered at last.

Jared couldn’t help but laugh. “Real original, Evan. Who’d have thought trees would be your pick.”

Evan sighed, seemingly having anticipated the response. “Yeah yeah, well I wasn’t surprised you went for computer science, with all your hacking skills.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not just hacking. I-uh...I’m actually taking British literature this semester as well.”

Jared knew Evan loved literature, and wasn’t at all surprised when Evan’s eyes widened at the information.

“Really? Never would’ve pegged you for a romantic.”

Jared scoffed and blushed. He looked down and stared at his feet. “Pfft. Me? A romantic? I mean, I know we were just family friends but I thought you knew me better than that.”

Evan was silent for a moment, before shrugging. “Whatever. So, you’re a sophomore, right?”

Jared looked back up. “No, Evan, I’m a senior. No, wait, I’m actually a professor! It’s not like I’m a year older than you or anything!”

Evan blushed. “Okay, sorry! No need to get all...worked up. I was just asking, you could have taken a gap year, so I didn’t know if you went straight to college after high school or not.”

 _Why does he have to look so adorable when he blushes this should be illegal!_ Jared sighed. “Yeah, well, I went straight to college. What’s it to you?”

“I was just curious, I mean, we haven’t really seen each other in a while, and we’ve been we’ve known each other for so long, so I wanted to know how you’ve been doing.”

Jared looked down and started staring at his feet again. “Yeah, well...now you know.”

There was a moment of silence, before Evan sighed. “Jared...can we talk about what happened?”

 _That’d be a no from me._ “Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about? And uh, I actually gotta run, I have a ...date! See you around, Evan.” Jared brushed up against Evan as he was leaving, and when Evan couldn’t see him anymore, he started running and ran straight out of the library.

_A date??? What were you thinking? Where the hell are you going to find a date now? What kind of excuse is that?!_

It didn’t take long until he heard a distant, “Jared, wait!”

 _You have got to be fucking kidding me!_ Jared pretended to not hear the scream and kept running away.

The footsteps behind him got closer and closer, until he felt Evan grab his arm and pulled him backwards.

Jared had trouble staying on his feet, but once he regained his balance, he looked Evan straight in the eyes and shouted, “What the fuck, Hansen?”

Evan shrank back. “S-sor-” he stopped. “I mean, um…we need to talk about what happened with the Connor project. Our fight. We both said things in anger, and I know that I didn’t mean what I said, so I just…we need to talk about it.“

Jared maintained eye contact, his glare as unforgiving as ever. “Yeah? Well, I have news for you. I meant it all. Yeah, that’s right. I don’t regret a single word. Anything else?”

Evan looked down, seemingly trying to take in Jared’s words and think of a response. “Well, I didn’t mean what I said. I was just…angry. I thought…I thought that you were trying to take away the one thing that made me feel…I just couldn’t lose what I had, and I panicked and…” Evan paused, “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for what I said and I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was using you. I know how that feels and that makes it even wore that I did that. I’m so sorry…”

_Repress! Deflect!_

Jared looked down, trying to think of what to say. “Well, that’s nice and all, but I don’t buy it. Besides, it doesn’t matter, I don’t care about that stupid shit. I never cared about any of it nor about you. I had to be nice to you so my parents would pay for my car insurance, but that’s not the case anymore. So let’s just both live our lives and forget we used to be frie- family friends.”

Jared looked up, but couldn’t bare to look Evan in the eyes. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date to attend to. Buh-bye.”

And with that, Jared was gone, leaving a stunned Evan behind, fighting the urge to turn around and take one last look at him. If only he could tell him the truth. But he can’t, and he won’t, because Evan Hansen deserves so much more than Jared Kleinman and this was the best thing for the both of them...right?

Jared raced around campus, desperately trying to find his friends. He didn’t know how to deal with what had just happened, but he knew he had to at least talk about it.

He looked at the time and figured his friends would meet for dinner in the cafeteria. He wasn’t too keen on going there, as Evan would probably be there as well, but he had no choice. If he wanted to talk to them, he had to go there.

His thoughts kept racing on the way there. _Why the fuck did I say I’m going on a date? I mean I know why, to make Evan jealous, but Evan doesn’t care in the first place so why on earth did I say that? I can’t believe this happened I can’t believe it’s the first week and so much has happened already, can’t a guy have a second of peace around here?! This is so fucking stupid, this is all so incredibly stupid-_

“Jared! Over here, man!”

He was so preoccupied with his thoughts he didn’t notice he arrived to the cafeteria, and was now standing in the doorway, blocking other people’s way. This must have alarmed Luke, who was now waving at him from across the room, motioning for him to join him and Lottie at the table.

Jared made his way around the room, trying to keep his head down. He didn’t want to draw more attention to himself, didn’t want to alarm Evan. He didn’t even know if he was there for sure, but he didn’t want to take any chances.

Jared sat down at the table and let out a relieved sigh. Luke and Lottie looked at each other, confused.

“What happened to you? You look like you’ve been hit by a bus. No, scratch that…more like a tank. Yeah, a tank seems about right.“ Lottie demanded to know.

“I went to the library-” the twins both raised an eyebrow at this information, to which Jared responded with an eye roll, “Look, I wanted to get away from people, give me a break alright? So, as I was saying, I went to the library, and I sat down in this distant corner, figured I’d be alone there, right? Ding dong, I was wrong!”

Lottie burst into laughter while Luke was clearly not amused. “So, I was reading a book-” the twins raised their eyebrows again, quite amused at this point, “It’s for an assignment! For the stupid British lit class you,” Jared pointed at Lottie, “Made me take. Anyway, I’m sitting, reading, I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, and suddenly I feel someone standing over me. I wanted them to leave because I wanted to be alone, so I pretended to not notice their presence, but the person cleared their throat in an attempt to draw some attention to themselves, and guess who it was!”

“Oh no.” Luke gasped.

“Oh yeah.” Jared sighed, the desperation hearable in his voice.

Lottie shifted in her chair. “Well? Don’t keep us waiting! What happened next?“ clearly anxious to hear what followed.

“We made small talk, some shit about what we’re majoring in and all that, and then he wanted to talk about what happened, and so I uh, I told him I had a date and I… ran out of there.” Jared confessed.

“You did what?” Lottie asked, putting a hand in front of her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

“Fuck off, I panicked! I’m not ready to talk to him about any of that, and the date was just something I came up with on the spot. I wanted to make him jealous. Not that he will, because he doesn’t care about me, but, in my defense, this would work great in an alternate universe where he does care about me.” Jared took a deep breath. “Sadly, it gets worse.”

Luke gave Jared a doubtful look. “How could it possibly get worse?”

“Well, here’s how. I ran out of the library and kept running, except Evan ran after me. He shouted my name, too, but I pretended not to hear him. He caught up with me, though, grabbed my arm and we had this whole fight where he apologized for being an asshole and I, on the other hand, was an even bigger asshole than I used to be, telling him how I don’t believe him and I don’t care anyway. I told him we were just family friends and that I don’t care about him at all. And then I left, petrified, determined to find you two.”

“Jesus Christ, Jared.” Lottie said, a horrified expression on her face. Jared knew it was bad when even she refrained from making jokes.

“Why’d you tell him you don’t care? He apologized, you could’ve just told him you forgive him and you could’ve been friends again. Isn’t that what you want?” Luke asked, clearly confused.

“I don’t know what I want, okay?! And I don’t know why I told him what I did. I’m just…I’m not good with letting my feelings show. I shut down and make jokes rather than showing how I really feel. And I didn’t want to seem weak by making up with him right away, hugging him and being friends again. That’s just pathetic.”

Lottie face palmed, “No, Jared, this is pathetic.”  
  
“Whatever! I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It doesn’t matter since Evan won’t ever talk to me again. It’s better that way anyway.”

A moment of silence passed before Jared spoke again. “I actually wanted to ask you guys something.”

“Shoot.” the twins said in unison.

“Did anything happen with me and Brody last night? Or did anything happen between you guys and him? I won’t lie, I don’t remember the night very well, so I was very confused when e yelled at me today for no reason and kept saying how he never should’ve hung out with me and my stupid friends.”

Luke and Lottie exchanged looks. “Yeah, uh, he...well...After we put you to bed and we were sure you passed out, he went to hang out with us for a while. Lottie was quite tired, though, so it was only me and him after a while. We talked, and we laughed, and we were having a good time, until he…well…he…” Luke stopped mid-sentence.

“He tried to stick his tongue down Luke’s throat.” Lottie finished.

Jared gasped as Luke gave Lottie an angry look.

“You’re welcome.” Lottie grinned.

“Holy shit. You can’t be serious.” Jared couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He would’ve never guessed Brody was gay. Or bi. Whatever he was, he wasn’t straight, which was an assumption Jared made earlier. His gay-dar was clearly way off on this one.

“So when you say tried, that means you...rejected him?“

“Yeah, well...I mean I like him, he seems like a cool dude, but I don’t know him at all! And I can’t just hook up with him, he’s your roommate. Plus, he was drunk, so his judgment was clouded, and I would never take advantage of that.” Luke explained, blushing, clearly embarrassed remembering the events of last night.

“After that, he just ran away without saying a word. I wanted to run after him, but I wasn’t exactly sober myself and figured I’d probably fall on the way or something. I feel really bad about what happened, can you please tell him to meet me in the cafeteria tomorrow? I want to make things right.” Luke asked anxiously.

Jared wasn’t sure whether he should get in the middle of this…whatever it was, but he figured he should help out his friend anyway. “Sure. But I can’t promise he’ll show up.”

_Beep beep_

“Hold on a second, I think I just got a te-”

Jared was out of words. He honestly had no idea how to react to what he was seeing on the screen.

“Jared, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Which, if you did, please share, because that’d be very cool.“ Lottie said, trying to ease the situation, sensing something unpleasant was to come.

Jared couldn’t get another word out, so he just showed the phone screen to the twins.

**E. Hansen 6:18pm If that’s really what you want, Jared, for us to not see each other anymore, then we can do that. I don’t know why you continued to hang around me if that’s how you felt, oh wait, car insurance...right. At least I was good for something to you. But you can’t hurt me anymore. I have people in my life now who care about me, who want me around because they actually think I’m worth something. That’s what I was afraid to lose back then, and then I lost it anyway. But now I have it for real. If you truly don’t care about me, that’s fine. I just wanted to sort things out with you, and apologize. I’ve done that, so if you want anything to come out of this, that’s on you. See you around.**

The trio sat in silence for a while, processing the text.

Luke decided to break the silence. “Jared, you have to talk to him.”

“Luke’s right, Jared. If you don’t talk to him now, you’ll lose him forever. And you don’t want that. And we don’t want that, either, because listening to you whine about how much you miss him for the rest of our lives is not something we want or need.” Lottie agreed.

But Jared has decided. He would not talk to Evan. He would not talk to Evan about this, or about anything else ever again. Evan Hansen deserved so much better than Jared Kleinman, which was now clearer to Jared more than ever. That chapter of his life was over. Maybe he could finally move on. Maybe he could finally forget. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally be happy after so long. And with that, he erased Evan’s number from his phone, and got up from his chair. _Goodbye Evan…_


	7. Jeremy Heere: First Day

Jeremy was awoken from sleep by someone shaking his shoulders and whispering his name. He groaned in response.

“Jeremy, you gotta get up.” it was Michael talking. “Class starts in ten minutes.”

Jeremy groaned again and started to swat at Michael, “Nooo…”

“Dude... I know you'll beat yourself up about it later if you miss the first class.” Michael insisted. “And I'm not in the mood for self-deprecating Jeremy. Get. Up.”

Beginning to sit up in his bed, Jeremy rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Okay...Okay I'm up…”

“Ten minutes Jere, come on.” Michael said urgently.

Jeremy sighed. “Okay…Fine,” Standing up, he stretched, “Wait...What time is it anyways..?”

Michael sighed, exasperated. “8:53. Class starts at 9”

Jeremy was not fully awake, the tone in his voice, and lack of reaction, making it obvious. “Really?” He rolled his eyes. “Is this what college is always gonna be like? Cause if so, I'm out...We're leaving.”

“Not if you fall asleep at a decent time…” Michael responded, sarcastically.

Jeremy glared at him, “...That's your fault…”

Michael raised an eyebrow, “How do you figure that?”

Puffing out his cheeks, Jeremy said, “You kept me up late… Wanting to play Video games 'n all…”

“Wow Jeremy, here I am trying to help you, and then you disrespect me like this? Maybe I'll just leave without you.”

The other pretended to reach out, in frustration, “No…Michael…” He groaned.

“Bye!” said Michael as he started to move towards the door.

Jeremy yelled, “No, please! Don't leave me!”

“Then get moving! Five more minutes!”

Jeremy's eyes widened before he bolted off into the bathroom, “SHIT!”

“And he's up! Jeremy Heere aims to have the closest call in history to make it on time, and on the first day too! What ambition…” Michael announced mockingly.

With the bathroom door still open a crack, he was heard. “Oh shut up!” Jeremy retorted.

After about 3 minutes, Jeremy walked out of the bathroom, sighing. Looking at Michael, he frowned, taking in his showered and freshened up appearance. “How...How long have you been up?” he asked.

Michael shrugged, “I don't know, like 45 minutes…”

“And you just now got the idea to wake me?” Jeremy cried disapprovingly.

“Well... Yeah.”

Jeremy sighed, “Let's just…go…”

Nodding, Michael headed out the door, Jeremy following close behind.

Jeremy and Michael ran to class as fast as they could. When they arrived, out of breath, it was four minutes after nine. The "classroom" was actually the college theatre, because literally every freshman student attended the class. They slid into seats near the back, and payed attention to the teacher. Thankfully, it didn't look like she had been talking for long.

“Everybody comes to a point in their life when they have questions about their identity, and that’s perfectly normal, especially for college students like yourself.” the teacher was saying. “The questions you have may leave you lost and confused, and that's okay! Your minds are still developing, and people your age love to experiment with their identity, but it's important to remember to listen to the people who care about you, and who may know better than you. They want you to succeed and be the best and happiest you can be.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jeremy noticed Michael shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

The teacher continued. “Remember, it's important to have confidence in yourself. The only thing working against you in reaching your goals is you. You are confined only by the walls you build yourself. Once you believe that you CAN do something, putting in the effort will come easy, if you truly want to succeed in something.”

Jeremy groaned slightly, loud enough that only Michael could hear it.

Michael, who had been staring at the teacher with his hands grasped tightly together in front of his mouth, glanced at Jeremy, “You good?” He whispered.

No, Jeremy thought. To be honest, he was more than a little annoyed. _Who was she to say all of that? College students aren’t just some confused little kids. They knew what they were doing. Probably._ He glanced at Michael, and…

“Yeah... Are-Are you?”

Michael glanced back at the teacher for a moment, and then shrugged with one shoulder, “Um... yeah. I'm fine.”

 _Well, it looked like Jeremy wasn't the only liar._ He looked at him with a mixed expression before attempting to pay attention again. He wasn't going to pry. Not yet. And either way, the teacher was speaking again.

“You can't live your life doubting yourself and then question why you didn't succeed. You can't create your own storm inside yourself and then complain when it rains. The key to success is confidence in yourself. Do not let negative thoughts run your life. Control them. It's not that hard if you're truly willing to do it.”

Okay wait. If she was saying was Jeremy thought she was saying… then what the _hell_ does she think she's doing? People don't just 'create a storm' inside themselves. They don't 'build walls’ on their own either. That's not how it works! With a mix of anger, sadness, and confusion building up inside of him, Jeremy started to visibly tense up.

Noticing, Michael leaned over, “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Don't even listen to her Jere.”

“I know...It's just…” He started to whisper yell, “What right does she think she has to just tell us that? I mean it's not my fault I feel this way, right?”

“Right.” Michael agreed. “Whatever. I mean, we physically do have to listen to her to pass the class, but don't take it as it is.”

“Yeah…okay.” He went silent after that. They both did.

After about a half hour or so of that teacher’s BS, she spoke one last time, “There is a personality assessment that you all will take, to determine the type of person you are. Introvert or extravert, logical or emotional, and what your aspirations and relationship goals say about you. Next week, the creators of this assessment will come and speak about it. Then your first assignment is to write a paper reflecting on what you learned about yourself from the results. You can pick up the assessment on your way out. Class dismissed.”

Michael stood up from his seat. “Well that was fun!” he said sarcastically.

Laughing slightly, Jeremy looked up to his friend with a warm smile on his face.

Michael returned the smile with a slight blush, but then his smile dropped and he looked away, “Uh, anyway, let's get out of here.” He said, making his way towards the lobby.

Jeremy's own smile dropped as Michael turned away but he got up and followed the other anyways, “Are you okay?” He already knew the answer.

“I'm good. Just annoyed by the lecture that's all.” He said dismissively.

 _Please stop lying. You can trust me, Michael. Right?_ Jeremy thought. “No please. Tell me what's up..?” He had to get an answer. Not a lie.

Michael stopped walking and looked down. After a few moments of silence, he mumbled, “I'm not confused.”

“Huh?” Michael may not 'be confused' but Jeremy sure as hell was right now.

Michael slowly turned around and looked at Jeremy. “I…”

Suddenly, he was interrupted by a loud voice behind him. “Heyo, Mic drop! How's it going?”

Michael sighed with relief and turned around. “Hi Peter, I'm doing great!”

“…Um…Michael?” Jeremy said questioningly. _Who was this? Was it one of Michael's friends?_

“Oh, uh... yeah.” Michael said. “Peter, this is my roommate Jeremy. Jeremy, this is Peter. He's a friend I made during orientation.”

 _Oh, so it was a friend! Well, at least he's making friends._ “Oh..uh..Hey.” He tried, but Jeremy was still awkward around people.

Peter seemed to be sizing up Jeremy, “Hey, nice to meet you.” He turned to Michael, “So this who you bailed on me for, huh?” Michael's eyes widen as he looked between Peter and Jeremy.

But Jeremy was just clueless, “Wait...What's going on?”

Michael began to shake his head at Peter, but he didn't notice. Instead, Peter said, “Michael was supposed to meet me at the party last night, but he never showed up. Said he had something going on with his roommate.” He nodded his head towards Jeremy, “It's a shame too. There were a lot of cute girls.”

Without realizing it, Jeremy started to slightly shrink in on himself, “Oh…Sorry.”

Michael shook his head, “You don't have anything to be sorry for. I wanted to stay with you. Besides, we had fun. Parties are overrated.” He turned to Peter, “No offense.”

Peter noticed Jeremy's distress and backed off, “Yeah man, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal. I was just messing with you.”

Feeling his shoulders relax, Jeremy started to calm down, but he still felt a little too guilty.

Peter put his arm around Michael, “Well, we have public speaking in a few minutes, don't we?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, um... you good getting to your next class, Jeremy?”

“Yeah. Im good!” Jeremy answered.

“Great! Well, I'll see you later. ciao!” Michael walked off with Peter.

 _Ciao?_ Jeremy thought. _Since when has Michael ever used that word? He doesn’t use it around him. Maybe it's something him and Peter do._

_Michael and Peter..._

“Yeah. See ya…” Jeremy gave a weak smile and a terrible attempt at a wave, even though he knew they couldn't see him.

Composition 1 was Jeremy's next class. Simple enough, right? It’s English. But this was college, it could surprise you at every chance it got.

The class did go smoothly however, for the first day. One blonde asked to borrow a pencil from him, which he was glad he'd brought 3 with him. There was one slip up in class, however.

Jeremy could hear the teacher talking, but everything was just white noise. He was still caught up in what the teacher from Identity and Vocation had said. What if she was right? What if he wasn't trying hard enough? Maybe it is all of his fault that he's so kept to himself. Maybe it is his fault that people can't - won't reach out to him. Maybe...

The teacher must have something important to him however, as he felt someone nudge his shoulder, causing him to jump. “Huh?” He whispered.

“I said, would you please read the slide for us?” The teacher said impatiently.

“Uh…Um….s-sure…” _Really? Him of all people. The student who wasn’t even paying attent- wait. That's exactly what teachers do. They always have and always will. 'Who's paying attention? Not you? Okay then, you.'_

_Great._

But, he did read the slide, trying not to stutter, but failing. He could swear he heard people snickering, but it was too faint. Like a fading memory. Something that was just out of his reach, but not because it was too far, because he was too afraid to try to grab it.

After the class, the same blonde had returned the pencil. Jeremy would have been fine if he'd kept it, but he was still thankful he hadn’t. They somehow got onto the topics of their majors. The blonde was Majoring in Environmental Science. Honestly, Jeremy didn't know a whole lot about nature at all, but this kid seemed to love it, by the gleam in his eyes that was still noticeable, despite his awkwardness.

The conversation was going great! At least, it was in Jeremy's eyes. Until he started to tune him out. The blonde mentioned something close to what they heard in Identity and Vocation, bringing him back onto the topic in his mind. Confidence was never his strong suit. He had always felt under everything and once his mom left, it only got worse. He was dragged into terrible places by people he now trusts. He doesn't blame them. Rich, specifically. He just, lost the confidence he had.

“Is something on your mind?” The kid pulled Jeremy out of his trance.

His eyes widened, “Oh! No, not really.”

“Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you. I have to go to my next class.” He looked regretful. Like he had messed up.

 _No! It's okay!_ Jeremy had wanted to reassure him. But he didn’t. Instead, he gave a little wave. “Yeah. It was nice to meet you too!” And the kid was off.

 _Great job Jeremy…_ He thought to himself. _You pushed away the one chance you had at a friend. He sighed._

Jeremy didn't have class next, it was lunch. Pushing around what was left of the meal on his plate, he sat and waited. For what? He didn’t know.

As he sat there, he looked up to see familiar faces sitting together. Michael sat at a table far down from Jeremy, along with Peter, the blonde from earlier, and some other kid. Jeremy felt his heart sink slightly, before reassuring himself.

“Michael probably just didn't see you.” He said, quietly to himself.

 _No. He just doesn't care._ A voice without any voice at all spoke.

“He's allowed to have other friends too.” He said, ignoring the voiceless voice.

_No he's not._

“Yes he is! I can't just take over his life!” The sound of someone clearing their throat broke him away from his trance.

“I would ask who, but I don't think that's my business to know.”

“Kylee!” Jeremy spoke, with a relieved breath.

“Woah! You already fall in love?” She said, flirtatiously. When he glared, she laughed and said, “Joking. Joking.”

The two sat in an uncomfortable, awkward silence, before Jeremy attempted small talk, “I uh...like your…shirt?” He mentally slapped himself for making it sound like a question.

Kylee just laughed. “Great conversation starter.”

Jeremy glared at her again. “Well, can you do better?”

“Nope. So we'd better use yours.” She smiled before looking down at her shirt and continuing, “Well funny story, my mom hated it when I wore these.” It was a bright orange cold-shoulder shirt, with lace all around the rims.

“Why's that?” Like she said, better use this one.

“She doesn't think it's 'acceptable' that I show my shoulders. What is it going to do? What harm?” Kylee raised an eyebrow, as if actually asking him.

“Well, some people say it's a distraction for us guys.” Jeremy winked and she laughed.

“Oh no! Shoulders! I'm failing all of my classes now!” With that, they both broke out into teary laughter.

The rest of the lunch period was like that, before Kylee had to go to class. Jeremy's class didn’t start for another hour or so, so he just went to his dorm to rest until it was time to leave.

Then, it was off to Psychology.

That night, Jeremy was lying on his bed, textbooks open and papers strewn all of the place. In Psychology, they went over the syllabus, information about the exams, and the way the class ran, they just barely got to the textbooks.

Later, Michael walked into the room after, what Jeremy assumed was hanging out with his friends all day.

“Well, I see you're already staying on top of the schoolwork. Mr. valedictorian.” Michael said.

“Oh haha.” Jeremy rolled his eyes sarcastically.

Michael glanced at the textbook and papers, and then up at Jeremy. “So how did the rest of your classes go?” he asked.

Jeremy shrugged. “Meh. Boring. It's the first day, so…”

“Yeah, but I bet we'll miss the boring once deadlines start coming at us a mile a minute!” Michael pointed out with a chuckle.

Jeremy laughed, “That's true.”

Michael sat on his bed and got on his phone. A few minutes of silence pass.

Breaking the silence, Jeremy spoke, “So how are you?”

“Good.” Michael responded without looking up, slightly disappointing Jeremy. “Peter and I played some tennis, and then we went to the lounge, and he brought out cards against humanity. It was so funny!”

“Heh...Sounds like fun.” said Jeremy. _Well, at least he enjoys spending time with them._

“How about you?” Michael asked.

Jeremy smiled. It was a simple question, yes, but it still could mean everything to a person. And right now, that person was him.

“I'm doing okay.” It was still a simple question though, so it only needs a simple answer.

Michael nodded to himself. “Good. Hey, you wanna play some video games?”

Tossing his book to the side, off his lap, Jeremy stood up, “Yeah sure.”

Michael got up and began looking through the games, when his phone dinged from his bed. “Mind bringing me my phone Jere?” He asked.

“Yeah sure.” Jeremy grabbed the phone and tossed it to Michael.

Michael caught it and looked at the screen for a moment, “No way! Peter and the gang want me to go to a lake jump with them!” He jumps up, his eyes shining with excitement. Then he stops and looks at Jeremy, conflicted.

Jeremy smiled, “Go.” _If it makes Michael happy, Jeremy's happy._

Michael grinned, and grabbed the stuff he needed, “Thanks! We'll play when I get back. See you later!” He rushed out the door, leaving Jeremy with his textbooks.

After a few more hours of work, Michael had not yet come back. Jeremy frowned as he looked at the door, hopefully, one last time. Nothing.

Cleaning up his books, he decided he couldn't wait forever. So he changed into pajamas and slid under the covers, turning his bedside lamp off. Remembering Michael's last words, he sighed, and spoke before drifting off to sleep.

_It’s okay. We can play tomorrow…_


	8. Michael Mell: First Day

“Everybody comes to a point in their life when they have questions about their identity, and that’s perfectly normal, especially for college students like yourself.” the teacher was saying. “The questions you have may leave you lost and confused, and that's okay! Your minds are still developing, and people your age love to experiment with their identity, but it's important to remember to listen to the people who care about you, and who may know better than you. They want you to succeed and be the best and happiest you can be.”

 _Man, My day was going good…_ Michael thought. He had gotten up at a decent time, freshened up, and still had that morning rush of running to class with Jeremy, getting there just on time. It was kind of an unintentional tradition that the two of them missed the bus on the first day and had to run to school. He wasn’t about to let that “tradition” die just because they were “responsible adults” at college.

But here he was now, listening to this teacher undermine what so many had already… Michael’s identity. It made him feel like an insecure middle schooler all over again, and boy did it hurt.

He heard Jeremy sigh, and he glanced at him. “You good?”

Jeremy looked at Michael for a moment, before replying, “Yeah… Are-Are you?”

Michael shrugged, intentionally not looking Jeremy in the eye. “Um… yeah. I’m fine.”

As Michael continued to listen to the teacher, she moved on to mental health. In all honesty, it wasn’t too bad, as far as cheesy motivational speeches go, until she said, “Do not let negative thoughts run your life. Control them. It’s not that hard if you’re truly willing to do it.”

Now _that_ made Michael angry. _It’s not that hard. Not that hard?_ He felt like it was a slap in the face to everyone who struggled with negative thoughts. Jeremy had spent years dealing with that shit, and himself? Well, a lot can happen in a short amount of time. It takes so little to break a person, but so much to build them back up.

 _And that’s the problem with this!_ Michael thought. _To not only suggest that fighting negative thoughts should be easy, but also that if you can’t, you simply aren’t trying hard enough?!_

Out of the corner of his eye, Michael noticed Jeremy tense up in his chair. Oh no, Michael would not let this stand. He leaned over and whispered, “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Don't even listen to her Jere.”

Jeremy sighed. “I know...It's just…What right does she think she has to just tell us that? I mean it's not my fault I feel this way, right?”

“Right.” Michael agreed. “Whatever. I mean, we physically do have to listen to her to pass the class, but don't take it as it is.”

“Yeah…okay.” Jeremy said softly, and then they both went silent.

When the class was finally over, Michael stood up and stretched. “Well _that_ was fun!”

Jeremy laughed and smiled warmly at Michael, making him blush. Then, the teacher’s words played in his head, and Michael looked away in shame. He didn’t know why it was affecting him so much. Maybe it was because, well, this was college! The place where he thought he would be accepted, and could finally be cool! _Guess not…_

“Uh, anyway, let’s get out of here.” he mumbled as he walked out.

Jeremy quickly caught up with him though. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Michael waved his hand dismissively “I’m good. Just annoyed by the lecture, that’s all.”

But Jeremy was always so perceptive. “No please. Tell me what’s up..?” he pleaded.

Michael stopped walking. “I’m not confused…” he whispered, and his hand flew to his mouth.

“Huh?” Jeremy asked.

Michael turned to face Jeremy, desperately trying to think of a way to explain himself, when he heard a voice that made him sigh with relief.

“Heyo Mic drop! How’s it going?”

Michael turned around “Hi Peter,” he said with a relieved smile. “I’m doing great!”

Peter approached and grinned widely at them. Jeremy looked at him, confused, and then glanced at Michael “…Um…Michael?”

“Oh, uh… yeah. Peter, this is my roommate Jeremy. Jeremy, this is Peter. He's a friend I made during orientation.” said Michael.

“Hey, nice to meet you.” said Peter. He stared at Jeremy for a moment, before turning to Michael and saying, “So this who you bailed on me for, huh?”

Michael’s eyes widened and he shook his head, pleading with Peter not to continue. He knew that if Jeremy found out what happened, he would feel guilty. Peter, however, didn’t notice.

“Michael was supposed to meet me at the party last night, but he never showed up. Said he had something going on with his roommate.” Peter nodded his head towards Jeremy, “It's a shame too. There were a lot of cute girls.”

Michael inwardly cringed at that last part, but cringed even more when he saw the look on Jeremy’s face as he shrunk back.

“Oh, sorry…” he said softly.

Michael shook his head. He would not allow Jeremy to feel guilty for needing his help. “You don't have anything to be sorry for. I wanted to stay with you. Besides, we had fun. Parties are overrated.” He turned to Peter, “No offense.”

Thankfully, Peter backed off. “Yeah man, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal. I was just messing with you.” Then he put his arm around Michael. “Well, we have public speaking in a few minutes, don't we?”

Michael nodded, and after making sure Jeremy was okay getting to his next class, he and Peter were off.

They hadn’t gotten very far when Peter looked at Michael apologetically. “Sorry for upsetting your roommate man, I wasn’t trying to start anything.”

Michael nodded. “I know, you’re fine. He just gets a little anxious sometimes. I try to help him as much as I can.”

“I know how that is.” said Peter. “My roommate, Oliver, is having a hard time getting adjusted here. He’s pretty shy, and not too comfortable around strangers.”

“Did you know him beforehand?” Michael asked.

Peter shook his head. “Nah, we’ve been chatting online in the month leading up to college, but during orientation he… well, we just kind of connected. Last night we stayed up super late just… talking. I think that’s what he really needed. Just someone to talk and listen to.”

“Yeah, Jeremy’s the same way.” said Michael.

“Today, Ollie got pretty upset during the vocation class. It really stressed him out.” Peter added.

“Really?” Jeremy asked sympathetically.

Peter nodded. “He went into the bathroom looking pretty upset, so I followed him. He was…” he paused. “Riled up, to say the least. I just tried to calm him down and stuff.” he shrugged awkwardly.

“I have to do that with Jeremy sometimes too.” said Michael. “He gets anxious, and I just try to be there for him.”  
  
“Guess it’s our job to take care of the shy guys, eh Michael?” Peter said with a smile.

Michael laughed. “I suppose it is.”

They soon got to their public speaking class, and sat down. It was pretty standard stuff, going over the syllabus and the upcoming speeches they would have to do. The first one was an introductory speech, where they would have to talk about themselves for 2-3 minutes. _Great…_

After speech, Peter asked Michael if he wanted to join him and Oliver for lunch, to which he readily agreed. They soon met up with Oliver, and they walked to the cafeteria together.

They were almost there when someone called Peter’s name. They all turned around to see a blonde guy approaching. Peter smiled. “Hey buddy, having a good day so far?”

He nodded. “Yeah, definitely interesting, but not too bad.” The guy turned to Oliver and greeted him, but before Oliver could respond, Peter spoke up.

“Evan, this is Michael. Michael, this is my buddy Evan.” Peter then leaned over and whispered to Michael, “He’s the one who came to the party after everyone else ditched me.”

Michael blushed at that, but then smiled at Evan. “Hey, it’s great to meet you Evan!”

Evan gave an awkward smile. “Yeah, it’s nice to meet you too.”

Michael stared at Evan for a moment, before Peter broke the silence. “Alright my dudes, how’s about we all head to lunch. Care to join us Ev?”

Evan slightly tensed up for a moment, and then smiled. “Yeah, let’s go.”

During lunch, Michael just pretty much followed Peter’s lead. Laughed when he laughed,joke when he joked, and just did all he could to match his demeanor. When Peter went to the bathroom, Michael decided to use this chance to connect with Oliver a little more.

“Did you have a good day Ollie?” he asked softly, even using Peter’s nickname for him.

Shrugging, Oliver played with his fork as he answered. “It was okay. I got a little stressed out in Identity and Vocation, but I talked to Peter afterwards and he kind of calmed me down.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, that teacher had no idea what she was talking about. It was pretty crazy…” he got a strange look in his eye for a moment before sighing. “Having a friend like Peter to reassure you after that must’ve been nice, huh?”

Oliver nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I’ve made a lot of great friends here already, which is more than I can say for high school, but Peter is probably my closest friend so far.”

Suddenly, Peter said from behind Oliver, “Aw, I’m flattered Ollie!”

Oliver whipped around. “Peter! I didn’t see you there.”

Peter laughed. “It’s alright. As far as close friends go, you’re pretty high up there for me too.”

Oliver grinned as Peter sat down. “Well, you know what they say.” said Michael. “The lonelier you were in high school, the cooler you’ll be in college.”

Peter laughed. “Ain’t that the truth!”

They talked and for the next few minutes, until it was nearing the time of their next classes.

After class, Michael was heading back to the dorm when he got a text from Peter.

**Petey: I’m over at the tennis court if you wanna come play**

Michael went over there and sure enough, Peter was practice swinging a racket. “Hey! Michael said as he approached. Wouldn’t have pegged you for the tennis type.”

Peter shrugged. “What can I say? I’m full of surprises!”

Michael went to the other side of the net and grabbed a racket. “2 out of 3?”

“You’re on.”

An hour later, Michael and Peter were sweaty and sore. “How about… We go to the lounge… and relax…” said Peter, slightly out of breath.

Michael nodded. “Sounds good.”

They went to the dorm together, and got to the lounge just in time to see three guys playing Cards Against Humanity. Michael looked at Peter, and they both shared a look that said, _Oh yeah, we’re totally going to join them._

Michael and Peter introduced themselves, and the three guys introduced themselves as Seth and Andy, who were both seniors, and Vince, a sophomore.

Peter was very excited to hang out with older (and cooler, according to him) guys. They were similar to Peter in some ways, but their humor seemed a little more crude. Michael supposed that it was typical for older college students. He just felt relieved that he wouldn’t have to change his persona much from the one he had with Peter to fit in with them. They played the game for awhile, and it turned out to be pretty funny.

When Michael got back to the room, he saw Jeremy sitting on his bed with a bunch of open textbooks. “Well, I see you're already staying on top of the schoolwork, Mr. valedictorian.” he said.

“Oh haha.” Jeremy rolled his eyes sarcastically.

Michael glanced at the textbook and papers, and then up at Jeremy. “So how did the rest of your classes go?” he asked.

Jeremy shrugged. “Meh. Boring. It's the first day, so…”

“Yeah, but I bet we'll miss the boring once deadlines start coming at us a mile a minute!” Michael pointed out with a chuckle.

Jeremy laughed, “That's true.”

Michael sat on his bed and got on his phone. A few minutes of silence pass.

“So how are you?” Jeremy asked, breaking the silence.

“Good,” responded Michael, not looking up. “Peter and I played some tennis, and then we went to the lounge, and we played cards against humanity. It was so funny!”

“Heh...Sounds like fun.” said Jeremy.

“How about you?” Michael asked.

Jeremy smiled. “I’m doing okay.”

Michael looked at Jeremy for a moment. He hadn’t hung out with him all day. Jeremy must’ve felt lonely. _Well, it’s time to fix that._ he thought.

“Hey, you wanna play some video games?” he asked.

Jeremy tossed his book to the side and stood up. “Yeah, sure!”

Michael got up and began looking through the games, when his phone dinged from his bed. “Mind bringing me my phone Jere?” He asked.

“Yeah sure.” Jeremy grabbed the phone and tossed it to Michael, who caught it, and looked at the screen.

**Petey: Me, Seth, and Andy are going to do a lake jump, it’s gonna be lit! ;) We’re meeting outside in ten minutes if you wanna come**

Michael jumped up. “No way! Peter and the gang want me to go to a lake jump with them!” Then he stopped and looks at Jeremy, conflicted.

“Go.” said Jeremy with a smile.

Michael grinned and ran to his dresser to grab his trunks. “Thanks! We'll play when I get back. See you later!” he said, before rushing out the door.

Outside, he met Peter, Seth, and Andy. “You ready for this?” asked Peter excitedly.

“You bet!” responded Michael with matched enthusiasm.

They all got into Seth’s car, and he drove them to the lake. Soon they stood at the end of the dock. “On the count of three.” said Andy. “One… Two… Three!”

With whoops and hollers, they jumped into the lake. The water was cold, but refreshing. They all swam around for awhile, before getting out and grabbing their towels.

When they were dried off, Seth reached into his bag and pulled out a box of joints. and a lighter “Shall we?” he asked.

They all reached in and grabbed one, and lit up. “I guess you were right Peter, this is pretty lit.” said Michael. Peter laughed, and then coughed as he accidentally inhaled some smoke.

The others laughed, and Michael covered his mouth to hide his grin. “Oops, sorry buddy.” he said.

Peter rolled his eyes, and wiped his eyes as the smoke made some tears form. “Yeah, I bet you’re sorry.” he said, pretending to be annoyed. “I’ll be right back.” He headed off towards the nearby bathroom.

Michael walked back onto the dock and stood on the right side, looking out at the water.

Seth approached and looked at Michael curiously. “So, you smoke often?” he asked.

Michael shrugged. “Depends on how you’d define often. I’d say it’s enough to be defined as a pastime.” he said, slightly exaggerating.

Seth laughed. “Hey, you’re alright Michael. You know, if you’re ever looking for something stronger, hit me up.”

Michael’s smile tightened. “Stronger huh? Not sure if I like the sound of that.”

“Lots of guys at the college would disagree with you there.” said Andy. “Practically half of them have dealt with me and Seth at least once.”

“Oh?” said Michael. “Are you like, the school drug dealers or something?”

“You might say that, yeah. We got all kinds of stuff.” said Seth.

Andy nodded. “We wanted to get you freshmen in on some good deals as soon as possible.”

“Well…” said Michael nervously. “I’m not really into that stuff, and I’m pretty sure Peter isn’t either.

“Now why don’t you let Peter speak for himself?” asked Andy. “He should be back soon.”

Michael scoffed. “I know he’ll say no. We might like to light up sometimes, but we’re not a bunch of druggies. The stuff you’re talking about just ruins your life!”

Seth took a step towards Michael, who took a step back. “I don’t like your tone…” Seth said. “We took you guys out here to make you a good deal, and we don’t appreciate being disrespected like that.”

Michael gulped. “Well, you won’t get anything from me.” he said. “And if you try to make a deal with Peter, I’ll call-”

Seth unexpectedly grabbed Michael’s shirt, and Michael let out a surprised yelp. “I don’t play around like that. We’ve been doing this a long time, and I’m not about to let some squealing freshman shut this down.” he said in a low voice.

Michael’s heart was racing. “Y-you… you c-can’t do anything to me… I told somebody where I’d b-be, so if I don’t come b-back, they’ll know r-right where to look, and who to l-look for…”

Seth paused for a moment, and then laughed. “Aw, you don’t have to worry about that Mikey. As long as you keep your mouth shut, I’ll leave you alone. Got it?”

Michael nodded, and Seth roughly shoved him away. Michael lost his balance and fell off the side of the dock into the water. There was a metal ladder right behind where he had been standing, and when he fell, his head hit the ladder hard.

The shock of the hit made Michael gasp just as he went under, and he inhaled water. He felt disoriented, and he coughed, causing him to inhale even more. Michael felt sharp panic rising in his chest as he tried to find a way back to the surface, while his lungs screamed for air. He tried to kick his legs, but it was like they had stopped working. He didn’t know if it was the weed, the blow to his head, or lack of oxygen, but he started to forget what he was trying to do.

Suddenly, he heard someone yell above him, and he remembered. The sound also indicated the direction he was supposed to go, and with a few confident kicks, Michael pushed his way up. When he broke the surface, he coughed and hacked up water. After a few seconds, he pulled in a gasping breath.

He looked towards the dock to see Peter standing there, looking concerned. “Dude, what happened? Are you okay?”

Michael nodded as he tried to grab the ladder. His hand kept slipping off, partly because it was slippery, and partly because he felt too exhausted to hold on. His breathing was still ragged and shallow. Peter reached out his hand to help Michael out of the water.

He was soon sitting on the dock, shaking, trying to catch his breath. Peter ran off of the deck, before returning with Michael’s towel. He draped it over Michael’s shoulders. After a moment of silence, Peter said, “You scared the crap out of me. I was about to jump in after you. I thought you were drowning!”

Michael heard the worry in Peter’s voice and decided not to mention that he was, in fact, doing exactly that. Instead, he just continued to shiver both from the cold, and from the fear of what happened.

Michael eventually stood, and he and Peter walked back to the parking lot, where Seth and Andy were. Andy saw them and waved. “It’s about time, what were you two doing?”

“Michael decided to take one last swim, but I think the weed confused him.” said Peter. He sounded like he found it funny, but the arm around Michael’s shoulder indicated otherwise.

Seth laughed. “You gotta be more careful Mikey. Wouldn’t want anything happening to you.”

Michael cringed under his gaze, but said nothing. They all got into Seth’s car, and went back to the college. After asking multiple times if Michael was okay, Peter let him go back to his room.

When he got there, Michael saw that Jeremy had already fallen asleep. He carefully changed into a T-shirt and shorts for bed, which took a few minutes because he was still shaking, and climbed into bed. He tried to forget about the troubling evening, but even in his sleep, he couldn’t escape Seth’s dangerous glare and the suffocating dark water.


	9. Evan Hansen: Coming Together

Evan felt awful as he walked away from Jared. His “chat” with him had gone absolutely disastrous! He had tried to apologize for their fight, while also kind of trying to get Jared to apologize too, but Jared told him that he had meant every word.

Of course, he had always assumed Jared meant it, but actually hearing it confirmed was very hard. Evan went back to his room, and despite all of his best efforts to prevent it, a few tears escaped from his eyes. He wiped them away, feeling ashamed.

The shame grew when Vince entered the room. Evan covered his mouth, hoping that Vince wouldn’t notice-

“Hey, you okay Evan?” Vince asked.

 _Thanks universe…_ “Um… yeah. I’m f-fine.” Evan stammered.

Vince remained silent for a moment, before saying, “Bullshit. I know there’s something bothering you. What is it? Classes? Friends? Girls? Has someone been picking on you?”

Evan sighed and sat up. “No, it’s just… I ran into an old friend, except we’re not friends anymore. We weren’t, and I tried to fix it, and he said that he never cared about me.”

Vince sat down on his own bed with a grimace. “That sucks. I know some people like that. Trust me, the best thing you can do is just let him go.”

Evan shrugged. “We’ve been friends for so long though. He started treating me like… gum under his shoe… in like eighth grade, but he was still my only friend.”

Vince gave Evan a reassuring smile. “And now you have other friends. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Trust me, you’re better off.”

He stared at Evan, willing him to take the advice. Evan smiled and nodded, and Vince pulled out his laptop and started typing on it.

Evan thought about what Vince said, and took it to heart. Yeah, he didn’t deserve to be treated like that! He thought about “moving on” from Jared. Definitely not what he wanted, but if Jared never cared about him anyway… no one was really losing anything. After all, Evan did have other friends now.

He decided to send Jared one text,

**E. Hansen 6:18pm If that’s really what you want, Jared, for us to not see each other anymore, then we can do that. I don’t know why you continued to hang around me if that’s how you felt, oh wait, car insurance...right. At least I was good for something to you. But you can’t hurt me anymore. I have people in my life now who care about me, who want me around because they actually think I’m worth something. That’s what I was afraid to lose back then, and then I lost it anyway. But now I have it for real. If you truly don’t care about me, that’s fine. I just wanted to sort things out with you, and apologize. I’ve done that, so if you want anything to come out of this, that’s on you. See you around.**

When he sent it, a small lump formed in his throat, but he pushed it away. As much as he would miss Jared, this was the best thing to do.

* * *

 

The next day, Evan woke up feeling much better. He went to his first class, which was Identity and Vocation small group. That was where about ten students from the big class would meet together with a group leader and discuss the Monday lecture.

His group leader was extremely chipper and energetic, which was not ideal so early in the morning, and when the subject matter was so unlikable. He ended up not saying much.

After that class, Evan had Biology lab. It was part of the Biology class requirement, so all of the students in his Biology class also had to go to the lab. They went over the syllabus, an overview of the experiment they would do, and the safety stuff. They had to wear lab coats and goggles in the lab at all times. The teacher showed a disturbing PSA about the consequences of being in a science lab without safety gear. After a dramatization of a lab accident and autopsy photos of real life aftermaths, she had proven her point, and Evan felt a bit queazy.

When he exited the lab, Evan found that, thankfully, his appetite wasn’t spoiled. He headed to the cafeteria to eat lunch.

Later, he was on his to his next class when he heard someone approach. Before he could turn around, Evan felt two hands cover his eyes. “Guess who?” said a female voice.

“Kathy?” answered Evan, since that was the only girl he knew.

She laughed as she removed her hands and started to walk next to him. “Hey Evan, how’s your day going?” she asked.

Evan shrugged. “Pretty good so far. I’m heading to my next class, math.”

Kathy’s eyes widened. “No way! That’s the class I’m going to!” she said with delight.

Evan cocked his head. “Do you need math to be a nurse?” he asked.

Kathy nodded. “Yeah. Not only do I have to take this core class, but I have to take statistics and calculous before my senior year.”

Evan winced. “Ooh, that’s rough. I only have to take this math class.”

They both arrived to the class and sat down. Unlike the other classes, the teacher jumped right into things. He talked about venn diagrams, fractions, and percentages. Those weren’t too bad.

But then he got into graphing, which was where Evan’s brain took a vacation. Turning equations into lines on a graph and vice versa… he just couldn’t wrap his head around, or picture it in his head. He thought he understood it when the teacher was explaining it, but when they had to do it on their own, Evan blanked.

By the time the class was over, Evan’s head hurt and he felt extremely stressed out. His mind started to race as to how he would pass the class if he could barely get past the first day? Before his worrying took him too far, Kathy caught up with him, a smile on her face.

“That was crazy hard, huh Evan?” she asked.

Evan nodded. “I don’t understand half of the stuff he said. I don’t know how I’m going pass.”

Kathy placed her arm on Evan’s shoulder reassuringly. “You’ll be fine Evan. _i_ think we should just be _rational_ about this.”

Evan was about to thank her, when he realized she had emphasized… “Did you just make a math joke?” he asked indignantly.

Kathy smiled and winked, and then they both laughed. “Anyway, don’t sweat it.” she said. “I’m not very good at math either, but I’m sure everything will work out.”

Evan nodded. “I hope so.”

Kathy gave Evan one last reassuring smile, before turning and heading to her next class. Evan stared after her for a moment, before turning himself and heading back to his dorm.

Suddenly, Evan heard a familiar voice yelling behind him.

“Evan!!! EVAN! WAIT!”

Evan turned around in shock as Jared ran up to him.

“E-Evan! H-h-hey” Jared said gasping for air.

Evan eyed Jared warily. _What did he want? Oh god, was he mad about the text? I knew that was bad idea!_ He decided to wait and see what Jared wanted to say.

“So, uh...how was class?” asked Jared.

Evan blinked, feeling confused. _What was he playing at? Whatever it was, he decided it would be best to play along._ “Fine, I guess.” he said, shrugging.

Jared nodded "Good! Good that’s…good.” He looked down.

There was a moment of silence. Evan waited to see if this was anything other than Jared trying to get him riled up, or to guilt trip him.

“So, uh...look..about the other day…” Jared began. “imsorryisaidallthosethingsididntmeanitsoyeahimsorryokaycoolbye” he blurts out and turns to leave.

After a moment, Evan called out to Jared. “Wait!” but Jared couldn't hear Evan through the crowd and continued walking down the hallway. “Jared!” Evan yelled as he ran to catch up with him.

Jared turned around, looking surprised, with a smile on his face. It was apparent he was trying to fight off his smile muscles, but it wasn't working. “Yeah, acorn?”

Evan clenches his teeth at the nickname, but even more at the expression on Jared’s face. It nearly caused him to turn and run the other way. _Was this a trick? Was Jared just trying to prove that Evan would just come running back to him at the slightest cause?_ He couldn’t tell. Maybe if he tried to find out exactly what Jared meant… “What, um... w-what exactly did you 'not mean’”

Jared looked nervous. “Well, uh, y'know..How I never cared about you, how I only hung out with you for car insurance, all that stuff we said during our fight...I just..” he took a deep breath. “The truth is… you were like my only friend and I...I was hurt. And it hurts so much to admit that.” Jared's eyes kept cruising from one thing to another, never settling, giving away how nervous he was and how hard it was for him to confess his feelings. “But no matter how big of an asshole I can be sometimes, I..I just wanted you to know the truth.”

Evan just stared at Jared, not knowing how to respond.

“Anyway, you can go back to your new friends now, and I'll go back to mine.” Jared smiles weakly at Evan.

Evan looked down for moment. _This could still be a trick, but… he sounds so genuine. More than he’s ever been before. Maybe Evan was too trusting, but he decided to take a chance._

He looked up at Jared with a small smile. “Well, we can try to start over, if you want to. Being friends again, I mean.” he blushed and shuffled his feet. _Or maybe he just wanted to apologize to clear his conscience before moving on…_

Jared's eyes meet Evan's and they brighten up. He started to blush and quickly looked down at his feet. “Yeah, that's cool..I mean..uh..sure…whatever…pffft” he adjusts his glasses that had fallen down his nose.

Evan grinned and laughed, feeling relieved. “Okay then... Great! Do you want to come over to my room later, and we can hang out?”

Jared blushed even more. “Inviting me over to your place already? Jeez, buy a guy a dinner first.”

Evan sighed. Of course Jared would still try to embarrass him. _Well, not this time._ Evan thought with a mischievous edge. _It’s about time he got a taste of his own medicine._

“Oh, so you're just assuming it's a romantic outing I had in mind?” he said slyly.

Jared looked up, surprised, which gave Evan even more determination to mess with him. “Isn't it?” he responded, smirking.

“I don't know, you tell me.” Evan shot back at him.

To Evan’s satisfaction, Jared’s face goes beet red “Who are you and what did you do to my anxious fam-...friend Evan Hansen?”

Enjoying this more and more, Evan put his hand up to his ear like a phone. “Sorry, the old Evan can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh... cause he's dead.”

Jared face palmed, seemingly trying to cover the obvious smile on his face. “Never mind, still the same dork that you were before. Nothing has changed.”

Evan laughed as he stepped forward and removed Jared’s hand from his face. “So, I'll see you later then? Let's say... 7pm? Freshman hall, room 224.”

Jared's eyes returned to the floor. “Only if I'm not doing anything more interesting you know...Gotta hang out with my other friends or they'll be jealous. But if I do show up, will there be…pizza?”

“Sure.” said Evan. “And I'll be the one ordering it instead of you this time.” Over the years, Jared had always been the one to order pizza when they were hanging out. Sometimes, before 8th grade of course, he would come over and order pizza when Evan’s mom was at work, just because Evan would end up not eating otherwise. As of late, however, he had gotten much more confident on the phone.

Jared looked Evan straight in the eyes, with what seemed like ~~pride~~ surprise. “Well look at you Mr. I made anxiety my bitch. I don't know if I trust you to order the pizza though, you like the worst toppings.”

“You mean the best?” said Evan knowingly.

Jared punched Evan in the arm playfully. “Evan I swear to god you order a pizza with pineapple I'll throw it in your face as soon as it arrives.”

“But it's sooo good!” Evan teased. “Especially when the juice spreads on the pizza, giving it the slightest bit of sweet flavor."

Jared gagged “I'm leaving. And I probably won't come tonight because I'll literally spend the entire evening vomiting over the thought of that.”

“Aw, but then I'll be all alone. That's no fun!” Evan whined sarcastically. “Or I guess I could invite Peter and Kathy over for a pizza party. They'll appreciate my elegant tastes.”

Jared scoffed “So I'm that easily replaceable to you? Wow, Hansen. Wow.” Jared said with a smile.

Evan shrugged “Well, for years I was the replaceable one. If I could handle it I'm sure you'll be just fine.”

Jared looked up with a bitter expression on his face. _Oh god… He had gone too far. Evan inwardly panicked. Why do I always screw things up?! What will Jared do?_

“Look I already told you I'm sorry about that-”

Evan waves his hand dismissively before Jared could continue. “Don't worry, it's in the past. Just like the old Evan.”

“Well…I hope I can make it up to you somehow. Maybe I can start tonight.” Jared looked at the wall behind Evan that has a clock on it. “oH MY GOD I'M SO LATE- Evan I gotta go I'll see you tonight-OR MAYBE I WON'T-okay bye!!” Jared yelled as he started running toward the back of the building.

Evan waved “Bye, see you then!” Inside, he was reeling. _What. Had just happened? Jared. Changed his mind and wanted to be around Evan after all!_

He thought about it, and it made sense. He was much more assertive when they talked at the library, and the text must’ve solidified it. After all this time, Jared just wanted Evan to be more assertive. That person who would cry and panic at everything, who was so stupidly desperate for attention that he… Either way, that person was gone, and now Jared finally wanted to be his friend again. Evan felt so proud of himself. So glad that Jared, and other people, finally wanted him. As he walked to the dorm, Evan was unable to hide a slight skip in his step. 


	10. Jared Kleinman: Coming Together

“So you stuck your tongue down my friend’s throat, huh?” Jared said with a grin as he entered his room. Brody was sitting behind his desk, watching a movie on his laptop, his face away from Jared. He turned slowly at the remark, his cheeks burning, clearly embarrassed.

He tried to deflect the conversation, “I thought you would still be at dinner,” he said shyly.

Jared let out a sad sigh. “Yeah, well…the cafeteria got a little too…crowded.” Jared shook his head. “Stop trying to change the subject!”

“Let it go, Jared. I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing, I don’t care about him. Besides, he rejected me, so what does it matter?” He turned in his chair and continued watching the movie. 

Jared raised an eyebrow at Brody’s back. “Is that…self-pity I smell? You’re sure as hell not going to win him over feeling sorry for yourself, but you do you.” He sat down on his bed and started browsing through Instagram, looking at memes.

The room was silent for a while. Jared was beginning to think Brody really gave up and would drown in self-pity, but just as he was about to text Luke how their conversation went, Brody broke the silence.

“So…how do I win him over?” Brody said so quietly it was almost inaudible, his eyes glued to the screen.

Jared let out a laugh. “I thought you didn’t care about him.” He said with a grin. 

Brody turned in his chair, so he would see Jared’s face. “I don’t. But, on the off chance I will start caring at some point, I want to know my options. I like to be prepared.”  
Jared was amused by how shy Brody was and how he was obviously crushing on Luke and decided to help him. He was willing to do anything that would take his mind off Evan, after all. 

An hour went by before they were done talking. Jared made sure to include all the pet peeves Luke hates, all the things that make his knees weak, all the right words to say. He wasn’t sure Brody was the perfect fit for Luke, but he wanted to see how it would play out. Luke deserved some happiness, and if Jared could give him a chance at that, he would. 

He gave Brody Luke’s number and started getting ready for bed. As soon as he was alone with his thoughts, Evan crept back into his mind.  
Was it really over? Would he really never talk to his best friend again? He felt tears at the edge of his eyes, about to roll down his cheeks, and inhaled sharply. He had to stop thinking about it, or he would drive himself mad. 

He stared at himself in the mirror while he brushed his teeth. He looked at his crooked teeth, his messy hair, his 10-year-old Jurassic park t-shirt he used as pajamas…The more he looked at himself, the more he examined how awful of a human being he was, the more certain he was of his decision.

Would it be hard? Yes. Would it be worth it? Absolutely. Because sometimes, when you love someone, you have to let them go. 

Jared woke up the next morning feeling just as bad as last night. He cursed in his mind, feeling annoyed at the fact that he didn’t feel better in the slightest. 

He rolled around in his bed for a while before getting up. Brody was nowhere to be found, probably had an early class he didn’t want to be late to. 

The only thing that kept Jared going was the fact that his first class of the day was math. He loved the logic in it, the way it had strict rules that you had to follow, but the way those rules could also be bend and walked around. Math gave him a sense of stability, it was a coping mechanism for him. Whenever he’d feel overwhelmed, he’d do some equations or draw a few triangles. Even if his life didn’t make sense, math still did, no matter what. 

He grabbed a cereal bar from his bag which he deemed good enough to be breakfast, put on the first clean t-shirt and jeans he could find and went out the door.  
The class was quite easy for him. Some of the other kids seemed to be having some trouble, which shamefully made Jared feel quite good about himself. He was ahead on all the equations given, always among the first people to have the result. The class made him forget about the events of yesterday, and he started feeling a lot better. 

He had lunch alone that day, knowing the twins were both busy. Luke was out and about doing some research for a project and Lottie was stuck in a lab all day. 

He, surprisingly, didn’t mind. He wasn’t in the mood to talk and answer their worried questions about how he’s holding up. He knew they meant well, but that didn’t make answering any easier. 

He sat outside in the sun, eating a bagel he had purchased in the coffeeshop. For an on-campus place, the food there was quite good, and the coffee wasn’t too bad either. Not that he was much of a coffee drinker, but the occasional all-nighter spent studying required some caffeine. 

He watched DONG, an educational YouTube channel, as he ate. He was the kind of person that always had to watch something while he ate. He’d literally let his food get cold if it took him a long time to find something desirable to watch. 

Once he was done eating and watching, his alarm went off. It was time for his next class – graphic design. It wasn’t his favorite class, but he didn’t mind. He’d take anything to keep himself occupied. 

The class was quite uneventful. They worked with a program Jared hadn’t worked with before, which was slightly exciting, but he didn’t know how to control it well and got frustrated quite a bit. He’d been meaning to work on his patience but wasn’t successful. 

Before he knew it, it was 3 in the afternoon and his next class was about to begin – physics. He didn’t like physics as much as he liked math, but, since the two were quite linked, he enjoyed the former as well. It didn’t give him the sense of satisfaction that math did, though.

He entered the science building and started looking for his class. One would think he’d be quite good at knowing which class is where as this was his second year there, but he was still almost as lost as he was as a freshman. 

He turned a corner and was about to continue in his search, when a familiar face made the world stop.

_Evan_

Jared stood there, frozen, as his former-family-friend Evan Hansen talked to a girl Jared didn’t know. Evan was laughing at this girl’s joke, seemingly really enjoying her company, which made Jared’s heart sink. _Did he really move on that quickly?_

He saw Evan about to head in his direction and hid behind the corner. He frantically looked around, trying to look for an escape. There was no use in running as Evan was getting closer by the second. 

Jared saw a table full of pamphlets with potential employers and mental health ads that he saw as his only escape. He pressed against it, his back facing the hall, burying his face in the paper. 

He turned around slowly to see Evan walking past him, failing to notice him. Jared felt disappointment course through his veins. 

_Well, this is what you wanted isn’t it? You’re not friends anymore, so even if he did see you, there’d be no reason for him to come over. Congratu-fucking-lations, he’s done with you forever._

Jared went to leave in the direction of his class, but couldn’t help turning his head around and looking at Evan. He saw him walking away, and his heart started hurting so much he was sure it’d burst any second. 

“Evan! EVAN! WAIT UP!” he screamed as he started running, trying to catch up with Evan.

_What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Turn around, turn around RIGHT NOW_

But it was too late. Even if Jared actually wanted to turn around, he couldn’t possibly do that now, as Evan has turned around, clearly in shock, staring at Jared as he approached. 

“E-Evan! H-h-hey” Jared said gasping for air. He only ran for about 30 seconds but he’s very out of shape, which was now very apparent. 

Evan eyed Jared warily, but didn’t say anything.

Jared waited for a response. When he realized he wouldn’t get any, he took a deep breath before speaking. “So…how was class?” 

_Really? That’s the best you could come up with? How was class? Bravo_

Evan blinked, looking confused, and then shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

_What an elaborate conversation_

“Good! Good that’s…good.” Jared looked down, trying to avoid eye contact.

“So, uh...look...about the other day imsorryisaidallthosethingsididntmeanitsoyeahimsorryokaycoolbye” Jared blurted out and turned to leave. 

After a moment, Evan called out to Jared. “Wait!” The hall was too loud, and Jared couldn’t hear him as he continued to rush away. 

_He hates you he hates you how could he not you’re such a pathetic loser you’re not worthy of his attention you’ve fucked everything up just like you always do you piece of-_

“Jared!” Evan yelled as he ran to catch up to Jared.

 _Well fuck_

Jared turned around with a surprised smile on his face. It was apparent he was trying to fight off his smile muscles, but it wasn’t working. “Yeah, acorn?”

Evan clenched his teeth at the nickname, making his jawline tense up and Jared has never been more attracted to him. He knew this was not the time for inappropriate thoughts, but he couldn’t help himself. The electricity between him and the boy in front of him was too much to take. 

“What, um... w-what exactly did you 'not mean’?”

 _Oh boi. Well, here goes nothing_

“Well, uh….y'know…How I never cared about you, how I only hung out with you for car insurance, all that stuff we said during our fight...I just..." Jared took a deep breath "The truth is you were like my only friend and I...I was hurt. And it hurts s o much to admit that." Jared's eyes kept cruising from one thing to another, never settling, giving away how nervous he is and how hard it is for him to confess his feelings."But no matter how big of an asshole I can be sometimes, I..I just wanted you to know the truth.”

_I literally want to die_

"Anyway, you can go back to your new friends now, and I'll go back to mine." Jared smiled weakly at Evan.

Evan looked down for moment, before looking up with a small smile. "Well, we can try to start over, if you want to. Being friends again, I mean." he blushed and shuffled his feet.

Jared's eyes met Evan's and they brightened up. He started to blush and quickly looked down at his feet, horrified. "Yeah, that's cool...I mean...uh…

sure...whatever...pffft:" he adjusted his glasses that have fallen down his nose.

Evan grinned and gave a relieved laugh. "Okay then... Great! Do you want to come over to my room later, and we can hang out?”

_If by hang out you mean make out till our lips hurt, then yes_

Jared blushed at the thought, which only made him stare at his feet harder. "Inviting me over to your place already? Jeez, Hansen, buy a guy dinner first.”

_Really? That’s what you go with?_

Instead of blushing and stammering like he usually does when Jared says stuff like that, Evan's eyes widened dramatically, and he smirked "Oh, so you're just assuming it's a romantic outing I had in mind?" 

Jared looked up, surprised. He smirked. "Isn't it?”

_If there was an award for the world’s worst attempt at flirting, congratulations, you’d win it_

"I don't know, you tell me.”

 _Is he…fLIRTING BACK???ABORT ABORT ABORT_

Jared’s face is burning up. "Who are you and what did you do to my anxious fam-...friend Evan Hansen?”

Evan put his hand up to his ear like a phone. "Sorry, the old Evan can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh... cause he's dead.”

_That is quite possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen_

Jared face palmed, which was a (failed) attempt at trying to hide his smile. “Never mind, still the same dork that you were before. Nothing has changed.”

Evan lowered his hand. As soon as their skin touched, Jared felt electricity sparkling everywhere around them. His heart started beating even faster, the nervous knot in his stomach so big it barely fit in there. He quickly jerked his hand off of Evan’s touch in a yet another (failed) attempt at trying to hide his feelings. 

"So, I'll see you later then? Let's say... 7pm? Freshman hall, room 224.” 

Jared's eyes were glued to the floor yet again. "Only if I'm not doing anything more interesting you know...Gotta hang out with my other friends or they'll be jealous.” He cleared his throat and looked at Evan shyly. "But if I _do_ show up, will there be…pizza?"

"Sure. And I'll be the one ordering it instead of you this time.”

Jared was so genuinely proud he forgot about his act and looked Evan straight in the eyes, giving him a huge smile. "Well look at you Mr. I made anxiety my bitch. I don't know if I trust you to order the pizza though, you like the worst toppings.”

“You mean the best?”

Jared punched Evan in the arm playfully. "Evan, I swear to god, you order a pizza with pineapple I'll throw it in your face as soon as it arrives.” 

"But it's sooo good! Especially when the juice spreads on the pizza, giving it the slightest bit of sweet flavor.”  
Jared gagged. "I'm leaving. And I probably won't come tonight because I'll literally spend the entire evening vomiting over the thought of that.”

"Aw, but then I'll be all alone. That's no fun! Or I guess I could invite Peter and Kathy over for a pizza party. They'll appreciate my elegant tastes.”

Jared scoffed. "So, I'm that easily replaceable to you? Wow, Hansen. Wow." Jared said with a slightly sad smile, which is almost unnoticeable to the untrained eye. 

Evan shrugged. "Well, for years I was the replaceable one. If I could handle it, I'm sure you'll be just fine.”

_Ouch_

Jared looked up with a bitter expression on his face. "Look I already told you I'm sorry about that-“

Evan waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry, it's in the past. Just like the old Evan.”

"Well...I hope I can make it up to you somehow. Maybe I can start tonight." Jared looks at the wall behind Evan that has a clock on it. "oH MY GOD I'M SO LATE- Evan I gotta go I'll see you tonight-OR MAYBE I WON'T-okay bye!!" Jared yells as he starts running toward the back of the building

Jared saw Evan wave as he said: "Bye, see you then!”

Jared would be lying if he said he paid too much attention in physics class. The professor introduced some formulas Jared already knew, and so he spent most of the class texting Luke and Lottie about what happened with Evan and how they’re going to hang out tonight. He also told Luke about Brody and his crush, making sure Luke was prepared for a date that was bound to come. 

A few hours later, Jared was standing before his pile of clothes, trying to figure out what to wear. He knew he couldn’t pick out a shirt or anything of the sort, because that would indicate Jared hopes this was a date, _which he obviously doesn’t._

It still made a difference, however, whether he chose an old washed-up t-shirt or a new one. He settled on a blue t-shirt (which he was pretty sure was Evan’s favorite color, and no, it definitely wasn’t on purpose) and some black skinny jeans. 

He looked in the mirror. He saw the nest on his head and tried his best to make it look presentable. You couldn’t really see the difference, but Jared felt good he put some effort in. 

_You got this. You’re just friends. Evan would never go for you. Tonight is just two friends hanging out. Nothing special. Nothing else. Nothing at all._

It was only 6pm and Jared was already sitting on his bed, all ready to go. His nerves were building up, he couldn’t wait to be with Evan again. 

He was too nervous to just sit around, and so he started pacing around the room. He tried to distract himself with his phone, with cleaning, he tried jumping around the room, but nothing worked. He was desperate, desperate to see the strawberry-haired boy again, to touch his soft skin, to see him laugh at his dumb jokes…

6:30 came and Jared could wait no longer. He usually waited until the last second to go places, but not this time. He stormed out of the room, startling the people in the hallway. He couldn’t care less. 

He made his way to the freshman dorm. He felt his palms starting to sweat, his body tremble. He’s never felt this nervous to be around another human being before, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He reached Evan’s door and waited a bit, trying to calm down. He focused on his breathing, trying to make it as steady as possible. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door weakly. 

Silence followed. _Oh my god, he was joking. He doesn’t actually want me to hang out with him, he only said it to mess with me, and now he’s going to make me stand in this hallway for people to see how pathetic I-_

The door opened. “Come on in, Jared. Pizza's already here!" He opened the door wider for Jared. Sitting on the floor was a pizza box, and the pizza inside had five pineapple slices, and the other five were bbq chicken- Jared's favorite.

Jared grinned as he was looking at Evan at the door. "I could've been a murderer you know. Maybe I am. Maybe I-what is _that?!_ ” Jared pointed at the pizza. 

“Uh…pizza?”

“Evan do you actually want me to throw that in your face? Because I will.” 

“Oh, come on, I got your favorite kind too!” it was only at this moment Jared noticed the 5 pieces of BBQ chicken that were on the other half of the pizza.

_He remembers._

"Well duh, you want me to stay, don't you? If this pizza had nothing but pineapple on it, I'd run out the door." Jared said as he sat down next to the pizza box, took one slice of the pizza, put it in his mouth and moaned quietly.

"Should I leave so you can be alone with that pizza?" Evan asked as he grabbed his own slice.

"Nah. I have no shame. Love as great as the one I have for pizza should be admired." Jared said before taking another bite and moaning louder on purpose this time, making eye contact with Evan. 

Jared couldn’t help but wonder what other activities they could do in this room that would make him moan.

Evan nearly choked as he laughed. “Ugh, you're so... Jared!”

Jared grinned. "You love me.” He cleared his throat before Evan could answer. "So, what do you want to do tonight? Besides witnessing this great love, I mean.”

Evan shrugged. "I don't know. There's not much to do. We could watch a movie on my laptop…"

Jared stood up to take some napkins off the table. "Well, that's pathetic. We used to do that all the time back in high school. What if we..." he looked around the room, "Oh my god look at that pile of video games over there!! Can't we play those?”

Evan looked over at the video games "Um... sure, I don't see why not." He got up and pulled over the small tv set, console, and controllers. "You can choose the game.”

Jared started searching through the video games "Street fighter?! I haven't played this game in forever! I'm gonna beat you so hard you'll cry." Jared said, laughing, as he handed the game to Evan.

"We'll see about that." he popped the game in and gets everything up and running.

"Is that a…challenge, Hansen?" Jared said with disbelief, grinning. 

"Well for it to be a challenge, I'd have to feel threatened by your gaming skills, and…"

Jared gasped. "Oh you're on. I can't wait to see your face once we're finished.”

 _Well that sounded dirty._

They began to play. They frantically mashed the buttons on their controllers as they tried to overthrow the other's character. The battle was quite even, but Jared was winning 2-1. They were playing best of three and so he was only one battle away from victory.

They battled for a solid 5 minutes before Evan finally KO'd Jared's character.

"FUCK!" Jared screamed in frustration.

"Well I guess it's a challenge for you at least." Evan said, grinning.

"Oh I let you win! Giving you hope before beating you is only gonna make my victory sweeter. I have it all planned out.” 

"Let's go then!" Evan said, turning to focus on the screen. 

“Prepare to die. Quite literally." Jared teased. 

And so, they played. It was a duel like no other, with Jared winning 90% of the time. Evan only had one life left and Jared was safe with 3. It looked like Evan had no chance. Jared looked over at Evan. 

_He’s so god damn beautiful. He has no idea how to play this game but he’s trying so hard. He even has his tongue out a bit, which is something he only does when he’s super focused. There’s no way he can win, though. No way, unless…_

As Jared went to strike one final shot he…missed. Evan took the opportunity to take one of his remaining lives.

It didn't take long before Jared only had one life left as well. Jared kept looking over at Evan, so focused on the game.

And Jared made a decision. 

"NO!" He screamed as Evan gave out one final punch that killed Jared's character and his hopes of winning. “MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Woohoo!" Evan threw his hands in air in celebration. "I beat you! You should've seen your face Jared. Priceless!" He was smiling from ear to ear, his eyes danced with excitement. 

Jared looked over at Evan and the biggest smile spread over his face. It was gone within seconds, too fast to be noticed.

_So worth it._

"This is bullshit! I bet you hacked the game or something." Jared said in a frustrated voice, trying to keep up the act. 

“You’re the hacker, Jared, not me.“

"Well you clearly learned something from me over the years! It's the only reasonable explanation.”

"Sure, whatever lets you sleep at night." Evan said, getting up to throw his empty pizza plate away.

"Oh fuck off, acorn." Jared said snickering.

"Anyways, we played that for quite a while....I should probably go.”

_Please tell me to stay_

"Okay, see you later then." Evan said.

_Fuck_

As Jared was walking towards the door, he saw a math book open on Evan's desk with a bunch of unfinished equation attempts. "Hey…are you having trouble with math?”

Evan looked over and blushed. "No! I mean... maybe a little." he walked over to the math book, looking frustrated now, "I don't see what math has to do with English or the environment.”

Jared let out a small laugh. "Yeah I get that. Well, uh...you know...if you ever need like a ...tutor…I could help you. Not to brag but uh, I'm quite good at math." Jared said with a proud smile.

Evan stared at Jared, as if he was waiting for a punchline. When it didn't come, his eyes widened. "Really? You'd... tutor me?”

"Well uh...sure. You know I uh...love-..math. So uh doing more of it in my spare time is uh...desirable. And I'd like to help you out." Jared said, stuttering. This wasn't very typical for him.

"Well, thanks! I mean yeah, I'd really appreciate some help." said Evan. He looked as if a giant weight had just been taken off his shoulders.

Jared looked down "Well unless you want to pull an all-nighter and study math all night, I guess I should go.”

_Please tell me you want to pull an all-nighter_

"Yeah, see you later. I had a really great time hanging out, so... thanks for coming."

_Come on!_

He couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. You're...pretty cool. For a nerd.”

"Uh... pretty sure liking math makes you a nerd too.”

"You like trees. There's nothing nerdier than that." Jared walked to the door.

He turned around to see Evan standing in the dimmed light of the room. His hair reflected the light from the room and from the moon outside. Jared never noticed how tall Evan actually is.

"Good night, Ev.”

Evan’s face changed immediately. Jared couldn’t quite put his finger on the emotion that was now shown on Evan’s face, but it was somehow so…different. His eyes turned…soft? It almost seemed like ~~his breath got caught and he couldn’t let out a coherent sentence~~ he liked the nickname, which was unusual, because he hated all the other nicknames. 

“Good night, Jared.” 


	11. Jeremy Heere: Coming Apart

By the time Jeremy woke up, it was almost 8 Am. So, that meant they had about an hour before they had to head to class. Which, considering the time he had gotten up the day before, he knew they'd have plenty of time. Speaking of they, Jeremy turned to look at his roommate. He looked exhausted, despite having slept. _What time did he get home?_ Jeremy just shrugged.

Suddenly, Michael woke up with a sharp intake of breath and a flinch, like he had been startled awake. After, he just laid in his bed silently, not realizing Jeremy was awake.

Jeremy stared at him, confused before whispering, "Are you okay?" He didn't want to startle him again, worried he had been the one who did it the first time.

Michael turned his head in Jeremy's direction, blinking a few times, before saying, "Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"Nope. I've been up. But really, What's going on? You jumped." He wasn't lying. Michael didn't wake him up, but he wasn't up for hours either.

Michael shook his head as he sat up, "No no, I'm fine. I just... Was dreaming about... zombies! Heh, guess video games do affect your mind, huh?"

_Wait. He would never admit to that..._

Jeremy frowned before hopping up off his bed, and going to sit on Michael's. "Please." He begged. It was simple and could be taken many ways. But this? This was a plead for information.

Michael went pale, "It's nothing, I-" He was cut off and coughed harshly. It sounded small and painful.

Jeremy's eyes widened with fear. "Michael!?" This wasn't normal. Something was happening.

Michael cleared his throat and sighed, "It's okay, I'm fine." He got out of bed and walked over to his dresser. As he did, a good sized bump was visible on the back of his head.

Noticing it, Jeremy spoke bluntly, "Michael, what happened last night? And don't avoid me."

Michael turned around and went to rub the back of his head, before wincing when he made contact. He lowered his hand and gave a long sigh, "I... I just had a little accident at the lake."

"Well? Explain."

"Okay. We were kind of lighting up, and I fell off the dock and hit my head on the ladder. I was really out of it, and it took me awhile to get out of the water."

"That doesn't explain how jumpy you were...well are." Jeremy crossed his arms.

Michael shrugged, "Give me a break! Drowning is pretty scary."

Jeremy started to look away when a thought slipped across his mind, "Where was everyone else? Why didn't they help you?"

"Seth and Andy were already back at the parking lot. Peter saw me and shouted. He was about to jump in after me, but with his voice giving me direction I was able surface. Then he helped me out of the water." Michael said.

"Oh, okay. Well," Jeremy stood up and walked towards the other, smiling, "I'm glad your okay."

Michael sighed with relief, "Thanks. Sorry I didn't tell you at first, I was little embarrassed."

"It's okay, really. Sorry for bugging you about it."

Michael shrugged, "Stubborn guys like me need a little of that sometimes."

"Yeah, you're right. Well, we should get ready I guess." He yawned.

"Yep." Michael got clothes out of his dresser and put them on. Then he grabbed a baseball cap and carefully placed it on his head, covering the bump.

Jeremy laughed, "People might start to think that's a normal thing, don’t you think?"

"So? I don't care what other people think." he said with a smirk.

"Huh. Kinda surprised, but also kinda not..." He shook his head, “You confuse me." Michael was that kind of person. One moment, he doesn’t care at all, kind of like he doesn't fear anything, even death, and then there are times where he's so clearly broken, but there's nothing Jeremy could do to help him, but just stay there. Michael doesn't seem to ever notice it though.

As if on cue, Michael gave a sideways glance at Jeremy, wondering what he meant, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he got his backpack and began putting the things he needs for the day into it, "You wanna get some breakfast before classes start?" he asked.

Jeremy smiled, "Yeah. Just let me get dressed first okay?"

Michael nodded and sat on his bed.

Jeremy grabbed his things from the his drawer, and walked off into the bathroom. Considering what happened the first night, he didn't want to make anything more awkward for the two of them. After about two minutes, he walked out, dressed and hair combed.

"Ready?" Michael asked. He got a head nod in response.

Michael headed out the door and started walking to the cafeteria.

Jeremy followed close behind him, but on their way there, he never caught up enough to walk next to him.

Once there, Michael got his food and finds a table for him and Jeremy. When Jeremy sat down, Michael asked, "So, what classes do you have today?"

"Um...Chemistry, Psych, Drama, and, of course, Identity...Can we not go to that? Please?" Jeremy begged.

"We can't skip class Jere. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we're in the same small group, so I'll be there to support you if you decide to speak your mind about it."

"Oh thank god.."

  
Off the topic of Identity and Vocation, Michael said, "So, drama huh? Am I going to be invited to any future productions?" He grinned.

"Depends." Jeremy replied, smirking.

"On What?" he said, raising an eyebrow. "If I'm cool enough for the 'totally not lame at all’ theatre geeks?"

Jeremy punched the other playfully, "Hey!"

Michael laughed, "I'm just saying..."

"We're not lame."

"Whatever you say..." Michael stood up, "Gotta go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"Yep."

Michael walked away, and the minutes passed. He hadn't returned. It was only five  
minutes until small group. Jeremy looked around one last time before standing up. He had already thrown away his food, and was waiting for Michael. But, he wasn't back. So Jeremy decided to go see what was going on.

Looking around, Michael wasn't anywhere to be found in the cafeteria. The people working  
there started to clean up and clear out the remaining students. So Jeremy headed to the bathroom, where Michael said he would be. It was Empty.

Jeremy was confused. _Wasn't this where Michael said he'd be? Or did he say somewhere else? No. This was where. But, he wasn't there._ Pulling out his phone, he noticed the time, and decided to leave without him. However, the entire way to class, he was worried about him.

 _What if something happened to him? Is he okay? Where is he?_ But, all worry vanished, and turned into something else, something he couldn't quite place. As he walked into the room, he saw Michael, already with the group. He was talking with the people on either side of him, making wide motions with his hands as he told them a story. It was apparently funny, since they both laughed, and Michael was grinning widely. He doesn't notice Jeremy when he walked in.

Jeremy started to walk closer to the group and waved, shyly, "Um...Hey." Everybody turned to look at him and gave him casual smiles in greeting. 

There were only two chairs left. One that was closer to Michael and one on the other side. Jeremy decided to sit in the chair closer to Michael, almost instinctively. Michael didn't look at Jeremy, but before the avoidance lasted long enough to become odd, the group leader sat down in the remaining chair with a wide smile on her face, and everyone focused on her.

The group leader clasped her hands together and looked around at the other students, “Good morning everybody! I hope your day is going well so far. Now, we're going to talk about Monday's lecture. How about we go around the room and say what we thought about it? That sound good?" Jeremy nodded, slightly, along with everyone else, despite disagreeing, completely.

As each student went, they gave mostly similar answers, that it was pretty good, and some listed one or two things in particular that they “resonated with".

When it was Michael's turn, he shrugged. "It was a nice lecture. Lots of motivational stuff. Pretty positive sounding overall." The guy next to him went, and then it was Jeremy's turn.

He froze before answering, lying straight through his teeth, "Yeah. It was pretty good. There’s not much to say.."

The rest of the students went, and then the teacher started going into statistics with this type of class in college and GPA average, indicating a direct positive correlation. She then talked about confidence and a lot of the same stuff as the Monday lecture. When the class ended, Michael stood up and started walking out the door.

However, before he could get out of the room, Jeremy called out, "Michael!" as he caught up to him.

Michael glanced at Jeremy before asking, "What?" Jeremy was a bit taken aback due to his tone. It was...un-Michael.

_Michael...what's wrong?_

"Um...I just wanted to uh...well..." He didn't know what to say before he just out right asked, "What's going on?"

Michael was silent for moment, but as more students began to walk near them, Michael lowered his voice. "Look, just leave me alone in public, okay? For now at least. I need to go to my next class, and I have friends to hang out with, a-and so do you I'm sure. We can hang out and talk later in our room, okay?"

"Oh um...okay..." Jeremy felt broken. Like he was a glass mirror that someone, Michael, picked up and smashed. His heart sank as Michael’s words played through his head, like a broken record.

"Okay, see you later then." Michael said, before running off to his next class.

"Yeah...seeya.."

His next classes were blurry. He hoped it was from lack of sleep, or focus, and not from the glossy tears in his eyes. But, he knew it was, and he just hoped no one noticed.

But then, he saw the girl who always did.

His next class was Dramatics, which he was minoring in. He didn't know what to expect for the first day of Drama. But as soon as he walked in, he saw her.

_Christine._

The two had broken up about a year prior, feeling more comfortable at friends. But they liked it that way.

But still! He hadn't known she went to Peregrine! He also hadn't known he had been standing in the doorway until some kid cleared his throat to ask to pass him. At the sound, Christine turned to look and when she saw Jeremy, she beamed. Before he could process anything, she was enveloping him in a hug, leaving him motionless. Before he got the chance to hug back, she pulled away and looked up at him smiling.

"Jeremy! It's been forever!" She exclaimed.

"We talked a week before school started." He laughed.

"Still. That was texting. But it's so nice to see you again!" He nodded in agreement. Then, she saw it.

His eyes were dull and lifeless. They were red and his cheeks were stained. Christine's smile slipped as she looked up at her friend.

"Jeremy," She started, "Tell me what's wrong." She had learned that asking "What's wrong?" or "Is something wrong?" gets you nowhere. So, she demands it now.

"Nothing. It's stupid." Jeremy looked away.

"No. Your problems aren't stupid. I swear." Her eyes were fierce.

"Really. It's nothing. Just forget it. Let's actually catch up. Okay?"

Christine was still skeptical as she said, "Okay!" but after a little bit, she dropped it. They talked about what they did over the summer, friends they've made, and things they've forgotten. Even when everything had started, they spoke, getting caught once. Both silently laughed it off.

After, the pair of friends had to part ways. But when they did, both were happier than before. In fact, Jeremy forgot about his problems with Michael!

Until later that night.

Michael came back to the room and threw his stuff next to his bed. Jeremy was just sitting on his bed, on his phone, talking to Christine, but she had just left.  
"Hey Jere," Michael says cheerily, "You want to finally get to that game  
now?"

_No._

Not even bothering to look up, Jeremy spoke, "Not really..."

"Aw, come on buddy! I've been looking forward to it all day"

Jeremy looked up at him, glaring, "Yeah, I figured."

Michael blinked, and frowned, "Look, I'm sorry I went ahead to class okay? I figured you'd catch up."

Jeremy's voice raises slightly, "No! I was waiting for you! And then after class!?"

"Calm down dude, it's not that big of a deal. And as for after class... I mean come on, we don't always have to be attached at the hip. We're already roommates."

"I know that! Just...we always were..." Memories flash through his head, memories that were fading, fast.

"I know, but I do want to have other friends too. With you and me together all the time, it might be harder."

_Harder? How do I make it harder!?_

Jeremy froze before daring ask what was on his mind, "And why's that?” _Different wording, but good enough._

"Well, people might think..." Michael paused, trying to think of how to say whatever he meant.

"They might think what?" Jeremy tried not to snap.

"That we're gay! Or least really close to each other!"

_Weren't they close though?_

Jeremy just glared even more, "Oh really? And that's a problem…how?" _And wasn't Michael all for pride? I mean he has a pride patch on his freaking hoodie!_

"Well, they might be weirded out, or too intimidated to approach people who are already friends. This is the time where first impressions are made, and once they're made, they're hard to break."

Jeremy looked away, sadly. T _his wasn't his Michael. This wasn't the Michael who promised to defend him, who promised he wouldn't leave him, even when...even when Jeremy left him...He regrets that so much. Jeremy had thrown away the one thing he loved. His friendship with Michael. And he still regrets it._

"Well..I'm sorry that I'm making it harder..." _That sounded pitiful. That sounded too pitif-_

"Hey, you have NO RIGHT TO-" Michael started to yell, but then stopped, and when he spoke again, he sounded annoyed, "Whatever, I'm going out. See you later." And he left.

However, right before he managed to get out the door, Jeremy said one last thing. “Really, I am.." And then, he was gone.

Jeremy had driven him away again. He drives everyone away. And he _hates_ himself for it. Honestly, he hates himself for a lot of things. But hurting Michael was the worst. He didn't want to be in the way. And he's sorry for it.

So, as he began hugging his knees, crying, he decided on one thing.

I need to fix this. Please...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael Mell: Tomorrow (you have a lot of explaining to do buddy...)


	12. Michael Mell: Coming Apart

Michael was struggling to the surface. He couldn’t breathe. _He had to breathe!_ He opened his mouth, and choked on the water that came rushing in. It filled his lungs, and darkness started to envelop him. Suddenly, Michael was lifted from the water. He coughed and sputtered. When he recovered, Michael looked up to see Seth towering over him with a sadistic grin. Before he could react, Seth Reached out and grabbed Michael.

As soon as Seth made contact, Michael flinched, and his eyes flew open. He was in his bed… _Oh,_ he had been dreaming. Michael felt relieved, and for awhile just lays in his bed and recovers from the nightmare.

Then he heard Jeremy softly whisper, “Are you okay?”

 _Shit…_ Had he woken Jeremy? Honestly, he hoped so, because it was better than the alternative; that Jeremy had already been awake and saw him flinch awake after that dream.

He turned towards Jeremy. “Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you up?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Nope. I’ve been up. What’s going on? You jumped.”

 _Just my luck…_ Michael sat up. “No no, I’m fine. I just… Was dreaming about…” he desperately searched his mind for an explanation, and then, “Zombies! Heh, guess video games do affect your mind after all, huh?”

He saw Jeremy frown. Then, he hopped off his and sat on Michael’s, and looked at him with the most genuine and pleading expressions he had ever seen. “Please.

Michael paled. “It’s nothing I-” He was cut off by a sudden pain in his throat, which was no doubt still raw from the water he swallowed. He coughed harshly, wincing at how weak and pitiful it sounded. He glanced at Jeremy nervously, and of course’s Jeremy’s eyes were wide with fear.

“Michael!?” he said, sounding extremely concerned now.

Michael cleared his throat and sighed. “It’s okay, I’m fine.” He got out of bed and walked over to dresser. He was about to get clothes out for the day, when Jeremy said bluntly,

“Michael, what happened last night? And don’t avoid me.”

Michael tensed as he turned around to face Jeremy. _How did he know?_ Michael thought. He went to rub the the back of his bed, only wince in pain. He felt a medium sized bump on his head, probably from when he had hit the ladder. _Ah, Jeremy must’ve seen it._

“I…

Now, Michael had to think carefully about this. He obviously couldn’t tell Jeremy about Seth and Andy. Who knows what they would? Who knows what Jeremy would do? But… Jeremy wouldn’t let this go until he got an explanation. He decided that he tell… most of what happened. He wouldn’t even have to lie!

“I just had a little accident at the lake.”

Jeremy crossed his arms. “Well? Explain.”

“Okay. We were kind of lighting up, and I fell off the dock and hit my head on the ladder. I was really out of it, and it took me awhile to get out of the water.”

“That doesn’t explain how jumpy you were… well, are.” Jeremy pointed out.

Michael shrugged. “Give me a break! Drowning is pretty scary.”

Jeremy started to look away, but before Michael could let out a sigh of relief, something seemed to dawn on Jeremy. “Where was everyone else? Why didn’t they help you?”

“Seth and Andy were already back at the parking lot.” Michael explained quickly. _So much for not lying…_ “Peter saw me and shouted. He was about to jump in after me, but with his voice giving me direction I was able to surface. Then he helped me out of the water.”

Thankfully, Jeremy accepted this explanation. “Oh okay. Well,” He stood up and walked towards Michael, smiling. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Michael could finally let out that sigh of relief. “Thanks. Sorry I didn’t tell you at first, I was a little embarrassed.”

“It’s okay,” responded Jeremy. “Sorry for bugging you about it.”

Michael shrugged “Stubborn guys like me need a little of that sometimes.”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, you're right. Well, we should get ready I guess.” He yawned.

“Yep.” Michael got clothes out of his dresser and put them on. Then he grabbed a baseball cap and carefully placed it on his head, covering the bump.

Jeremy laughed “People might start to think that's a normal thing, don't you think?”

“So? I don't care what other people think.” he says with a smirk.

“Huh. Kinda surprised, but also kinda not…" Jeremy said, shaking his head. “You confuse me.”

Michael gave a sideways glance at Jeremy, wondering what he meant, but decided not to say anything. Instead, he grabbed his backpack and began putting the things he needs for the day into it. “You wanna get some breakfast before classes start?” he asked Jeremy.

Jeremy smiled. “Yeah. Just let me get dressed first okay?”

Three minutes later, Jeremy emerged from the bathroom, all freshened up. “Ready?” Michael asked, to which Jeremy nodded, and they both started walking to the cafeteria.

Once they got there, Michael got his food and found a table for him and Jeremy. When Jeremy sat down, Michael asked, “So, what classes do you have today?”

“Um…” Jeremy said, thinking about it. “Chemistry, Psych, drama, and of course, Identity…Can we not go to that? Please?”

Michael shook his head. “We can’t skip class Jere. Anyway, I’m pretty we’re in the same small group, so I’ll be there to support you if you decide to speak your mind about it.”

“Oh, thank god!” Jeremy exclaimed.

Michael continued eating. “So… drama huh? Am I going to be invited to any future productions?” he said, grinning.

“Depends,” Jeremy responded, the beginning of a smirk appearing on his face.

“On what?” Michael said with a raised eyebrow. “If I’m cool enough for the ‘totally not lame at all’ theatre geeks?”

Jeremy punched Michael playfully. “Hey!”

Michael laughed. I’m just saying…”

“We’re not lame.”

“Whatever you say Jeremy.” Michael said, before standing up. “Gotta go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” He walked away, heading for the cafeteria bathroom.

Once inside, he did his business and was washing his hands when someone walked in. Michael turned and, to his horror, he was face to face with Andy. Even though he wasn’t the one who had pushed Michael into the lake, he was still involved, and in Michael’s book, was just as threatening.

He and Andy locked eyes, and Andy looked surprised for a moment, before a smile crept onto his face. “Well hey there! How’s it going?”

“F-fine…” Michael stammered as he hurried to finish up so he could leave.

“Aw, what’s wrong?” said Andy softly. “I hope that whole thing last night didn’t leave a bad first impression.” When Michael didn’t respond, he continued. “Don’t worry about Seth. He just gets a little carried away sometimes. He didn’t mean any harm. We just have this whole thing going on, and didn’t want you messing it up.”

Michael couldn’t help but mutter. “Then maybe you shouldn’t try to get freshmen into your little ‘thing’.” he paused and looked up, but Andy didn’t seem angry at his words.

“Ah, but that’s the best time. You get them into it early on and then they by the time they’re seniors like us, they can run this thing themselves. That’s when me and Seth got started.”

Michael couldn’t help but wonder how a couple of freshmen ended up as college drug dealers. “Well, there are lots of other things to do here. I don’t see the point in wasting you time and money on something that ruins your life. It’s not worth it you know…”

Andy laughed. “Listen to you. Trying to teach me a life lesson, that’s so cute!”

He reached out and stroked Michael’s cheek, and Michael stumbled back, blushing. Andy stopped and looked at Michael carefully for a moment, before smirking.

“Oh, you like that huh?” he asked.

Michael shook his head, suddenly feeling very afraid and vulnerable.

“Nah, I saw the way you looked at me.” Andy teased, taking a step forward. “Why didn’t you say so sooner Michael? If that’s what you want, I can-”

Andy was interrupted by his cell phone dinging with what was probably a text. He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced at it for a moment, before looking back at Michael. “Well, I’ll see ya later Michael dearest.” he said, laughing as he turned around and walked out of the bathroom.

Michael stood there, stunned at what had just happened. _What did just happen?_ When he could move again, Michael rushed over to the toilet and retched, but nothing came up. He suddenly felt very tired, and he slumped to the ground.

He didn’t know what he was feeling. Sad? Angry? Scared? He just felt numb, and a little zoned out. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but eventually Michael shakily stood to his feet.

He stepped out of the bathroom, but when he thought about going back over to Jeremy, he began to feel sick again. With so many thoughts racing through his head, he couldn’t imagine going over there with his messed up emotions and feelings, and act like everything’s fine.

So instead, Michael walked right out of the cafeteria and went to the small group alone. The fresh air made him feel a little better, and by the time he made it to class, he felt ready to interact with people, at least a little.

When Michael entered the room, he saw a bunch of chairs arranged in the circle with some people sitting in them. He looked around searching for someone he could easily imitate connect with. He finally decided on two people, one of them telling an elaborate and most likely humorous story, while the other one listened intently and trying to hold back laughter.

Michael approached them slowly, listening to what was being said. Fortunately, it looked like the story was ending, giving Michael a chance to cut in. “You think that’s crazy?” he asked. “I’ve got a story that’ll leave you guys rolling on the floor!”

To his delight, they both looked up at him with excitement, and moved over so Michael could sit in between them. “Let’s hear it then.” one of them said.

Michael sat down and told them about the time his older brother took him and his best friend (Jeremy) skiing. “So at one point, my friend goes back to the ski lounge to go to the bathroom. Not long after he left, I got buried in some loose snow when I tried to grab onto a bank to steady myself. After that, I was really cold, so my brother took me back to the lounge. What I didn’t know was that my dear brother texted Jeremy and told him to come to the main room in the lounge, and that we had to come back… Because I got caught in an avalanche!”

The two guys howled with laughter at that, and Michael laughed too at the memory.

“Oh my GOD!” he continued. “He came running into the room faster than whatever avalanche he thought I had gotten caught in. He had like, a super big fear of avalanches when we were there, constantly worrying about them and stuff, so he freaked. And man, I had been lying on a couch by the fire, and was closing my eyes, relaxing… But he saw me and must’ve thought I was _dead_. I heard him gasp and he started crying. He grabbed my hand and shouted, “Michael, please don’t die!” I instantly opened my eyes, and we just kind of stared at each other. Meanwhile, my brother was crying too… from laughter! We were so mad at him. My friend refused to speak to him for the rest of the trip.”

Michael reached the end of his story, and sure enough, both of the guys were laughing so hard, they couldn’t stop. Michael had a wide smile on his face, until he heard a small voice say

“Um…Hey.” It was Jeremy.

The other students greet Jeremy politely, but Jeremy was staring at Michael with a confused and almost betrayed expression on his face.

Michael looked away in shame, and it became even worse when he sat down two chairs away from him. Michael avoided eye contact with Jeremy.

Soon, the group leader came in and sat the the remaining chair across the circle from Michael and Jeremy. She had a cheery smile on her face, and she clasped her hands together before she began speaking. “Good morning everybody! I hope your day is going well so far. Now, we're going to talk about Monday's lecture. How about we go around the room and say what we thought about it? That sound good?”

The students nodded, and one by one, they said that it was “pretty good”, and some them listed one or two things in particular that they “resonated with”.

When it was Michael’s turn, he shrugged. “It was a nice lecture. Lots of motivational stuff. Pretty positive sounding overall.” He could barely contain the raging guilt he was feeling. He had promised Michael that he would support him, and now he was backing out like a coward. He just… didn’t want to deal with all of that. Discussing the negative side of the lecture meant bringing back that stuff with “Identity”, and after the bathroom incident, _second time a “bathroom incident” has occurred, wow…_ Michael felt sick even thinking about it.

When Jeremy told an obvious lie that he like the lecture as well, Michael was almost relieved, which made him feel all the worse.

After all of the students went, the teacher started going into statistics with this type of class in college and GPA average, indicating a direct positive correlation. She then talked about confidence and a lot of the same stuff as the Monday lecture. When the class ended, Michael stood up and started walking out the door.

To his dismay, Jeremy called out after him and caught up. Both the guilt he felt at leaving Jeremy and supporting him, and the lingering feeling of dread he still felt from Andy nearly consumed him, and he knew that he could not be around Jeremy right now.

“What?” Michael asked, and it came out much harsher than he intended.

Jeremy looked a bit taken aback by his tone. “Um…I just wanted to uh…well…What’s going on?”

Michael was about to tell him to simply leave him alone for the time being, but as students started to pass, Michael suddenly got this worry that someone who knew Seth or Andy would them together. What if they decided to ask Jeremy to get involved? Or what if they thought Michael would tell him about? Or what if they tried to mess with Jeremy because he knew Michael? _Jeremy shouldn’t have to deal with any of this…_

Before Michael could rationally think about how unlikely any of those situations would be, he blurted out, “Look, just leave me alone in public, okay? For now at least. I need to go to my next class, and I have friends to hang out with, a-and so do you I'm sure. We can hang out and talk later in our room, okay?”

Jeremy looked shocked. “Oh, um…okay…” he said quietly

Michael knew he had to escape before he did something else he would regret. “Okay, see you later then.” he said quickly, before running off to his next class.

His next class was multimedia storytelling, which he had been really been looking forward to, but now he just wanted go back to his room and _die_. Okay… maybe _that_ was little dramatic, but Michael felt like he screwed up big time. Now Jeremy was sad and it was all his fault.

 _Well, now he knows how you felt…_ He couldn’t help but think.

_That’s different! Jeremy doesn’t deserve to be screwed over like this._

He was basically arguing with himself during the whole class. _Maybe I should take debate instead…_ Michael thought.

He went to the cafeteria and ate lunch alone. Jeremy was nowhere to be found, and neither was Peter or any of his other new friends.

After that, Michael went to his last class of the day, introduction to public relations. The class talked a lot about resolving conflict without causing an uproar. _Surprisingly relevant._

When his classes had finally ended, Michael headed back to the dorm. He figured Jeremy would be sad. _Because of me…_ he thought again dejectedly. He got to his room, and before he opened the door, he told himself that he would make it up to Jeremy. He could make him feel better, and apologize.

Michael walked in, and saw Jeremy sitting on his bed, on his phone. “Hey Jere,” he said cheerily, trying to gage Jeremy’s emotional state. “You want to finally get to that game now?”

Jeremy didn’t even look up when he responded, “Not really…”

Michael knew it would make Jeremy feel better though, and when he got Jeremy into a better mood, they could talk about what happened. “Aw, come on buddy! I've been looking forward to it all day.” he said.

Jeremy glared at Michael. “Yeah, I figured.”

Michael blinked, and frowned. This was not the reaction he expected. “Look, I'm sorry I went ahead to class okay? I figured you'd catch up.”

“No! I was waiting for you! And then after class!?” Jeremy said, raising his voice.

Okay, so Michael had completely miscalculated Jeremy’s reaction. He wasn’t sad, He was angry. Well, he couldn’t talk about what happened with Andy, so he decided to do the next best thing and tell Jeremy the other reason he had been somewhat avoiding him, even before this started. “Calm down dude, it's not that big of a deal. And as for after class... I mean come on, we don't always have to be attached at the hip. We're already roommates.”

“I know that! Just...we always were…” Jeremy said, trailing off.

“I know,” Michael continued. “But I do want to have other friends too. With you and me together all the time, it might be harder.”

Jeremy tensed up before asking, “And why's that?”

Michael struggled to explain himself. “Well, people might think…”

“They might think what?”

“That we're gay! Or least really close to each other!”

Jeremy glares at him. “Oh really? And that's a problem…how?”

Michael sighed. “Well, they might be weirded out, or too intimidated to approach people who are already friends. This is the time where first impressions are made, and once they're made, they're hard to break.”

Jeremy looked away. “Well..I’m sorry that I'm making it harder…” he sounded choked up.

Now, Michael didn’t know why, but that response made him angry. He was just trying to set a foundation to make friends to keep college from just being a repeat of high school. And from what his older brother told him, you’re less likely to make friends if you’re already together with another person all the time. So… Here he was, keeping his distance from Jeremy _slightly_ in public for a short while, still being roommates, and Jeremy has the nerve to get _angry_ and _sad_. After he COMPLETELY abandoned him for months!

In time since then, he had felt… many concerning emotions about that whole incident, but anger had not been one of them. Until now.

“Hey, you have NO RIGHT TO-” Michael began, but then stopped. He didn’t want to deal with this. His concern for Jeremy was nonexistent at the moment, but he was not a fan of making the problem worse by yelling at him. “Whatever, I'm going out. See you later.” And he left.

Michael sat in the empty lounge, curled up on the couch. That had gone so much worse than he expected. He felt lonely, and a little angry, both at Jeremy and himself. He missed when things were perfect, when the two of them were inseparable. Then the SQUIP happened, and now this.

He had forgiven Jeremy for the whole every that had happened with the SQUIP, but in this situation, Michael was the one in the wrong. Would Jeremy forgive Michael?

And there was that fear again. The fear that he had for as long as he could remember, but with such a close relationship with Jeremy, it didn’t really become a problem until the SQUIP incident. The fear… that people, in this case Jeremy, didn’t care as much for him, as he did for them. Michael put literally everything had, everything he was, into his his relationships. But… did they do that? At all?

Michael had realized when he lost Jeremy that he put way too much into the relationship. Suddenly, he had been left without a friend, without a lifeline. It was horrible, and he never wanted that to happen again. So went he got to college, Michael made as many friends as he could, as quickly as possible. But now it seemed he had driven Jeremy away.

He didn’t know what would come next, but he hoped he and Jeremy could repair their relationship.


	13. Evan Hansen: Tremors

Evan opened his eyes sleepily and sat up. He thought about the previous day, Jared was actually back in his life, and they had hung out, he hadn’t felt this close to Jared since middle school, and it was making his heart soar. Now with a renewed zest for life, he hopped out of bed to take a shower before classes. With Identity and Vocation only being on Monday and Tuesday, he had a lot more time that morning before his first class.

When he reentered the room half an hour later, Vince was sitting at his desk tapping away at his phone. Evan walked past him, and kneeled down to put his textbooks needed for the day in his backpack.

As he was doing that, he happened to glance at his math textbook. That made him remember that he had homework due tomorrow, which made him remember that he still had no idea how to do the problems, and at only the first class no less. He thought about Jared helping him out, and relaxed considerably. When Evan realized that they didn’t set a time for that, he took out his phone and sent Jared a text.

**Ev: Hey Jared, are you free today? For the tutoring session I mean, I have homework due tomorrow and I can already see how desperately I’m going to need your help.**

Jared texted back quickly

**fam friend: yeah sure**

**Ev: Great! My room, 7pm**

Evan put his phone down, and was about to stand when he was suddenly startled by a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Vince standing over him, looking quite unhappy.

“Did you touch my games?” he asked plainly.

Evan was frozen for a moment, taken aback by Vince’s sudden shift in the attitude he had previously seen him exhibit. Then he stood up and said, “Uh, yeah. Me and my friend were playing them yesterday.”

To Evan’s surprise, Vince glared at him, and then walked over to the video games. He reached his hand behind the shelf where the console was, and after a moment, he withdrew his hand and looked back at Evan. “Listen, I don’t want you touching my stuff, okay?”

Evan nodded right away. “Yeah. Sorry, I should’ve asked you first. It’s just my friend and I were having fun, and I wasn’t thinking about-”

“I don’t care, just don’t do it again.” Vince interrupted. Then he sighed and returned to his phone. Evan didn’t move at first, feeling guilty, and confused about how harshly Vince had reacted when he hadn’t shown any behavior like that since met him.

 _Well, maybe he had been acting really nice to make a good first impression._ Evan thought. Realizing that his comp 1 class would start soon, Evan grabbed his backpack, and headed out the door. He didn’t dwell on the situation further. After all, Vince had a right to be upset about people messing with his things.

When Evan got to his comp 1 class, he sat down next to the guy who loaned him a pencil on Monday. He turned to him, smiled, and gave a friendly wave. The guy looked at Evan and waved back, but Evan could tell that something was bothering him. He remembered how troubled the guy looked on Monday, and felt more than a little concerned.

The class progressed without issue, and after it ended, The guy got up to leave. Without a second thought, Evan ran to catch up with him. “Hey, wait up.”

He turned, and Evan was able to approach. This was when he realized how weird it might seem to be so concerned for a mostly complete stranger, but he couldn’t back out now, so he decided to just go with it. “Hey, uh... sorry if I'm bothering you or anything, but you just seemed upset about something. Is everything okay?”

The guy avoided eye contact as he answered, “O-Oh! Uh, yeah! Yeah everything okay I swear!”

 _Right…_ Evan could tell that he was lying, but should he just accept the answer? After all, they didn’t know each other. Maybe this guy just wanted to be left alone. Then again, Evan remembered all too well what it was like trying to make it through the day with issues heavy on your mind, and wanting to talk about them, but not wanting to bother anyone. The question is, which one was he? Evan decided to take a chance.

"Look, I know what someone looks like when they're lying.” Evan said. “I'm not going to push if you don't want to talk about it, I don't even know your name, but if you wanna talk... I'm here.”

After a long moment of silence, the guy sighed and muttered something under his breath. Evan was about to apologize for bothering and/or offending him, when he spoke. "It's my friend. He's just...distant, okay? And It seems like he hates me and all I'm doing is pushing him away!”

Evan nodded sympathetically. _Ah, friendship problems… Definitely been there._ he thought. At least he could give some advice to this guy. Evan realized that this would be the first time doing that, and to a stranger no less. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment, as he never would’ve fathomed doing this a year ago.

"I can definitely relate.” Evan began. “I have a friend who used to push me away for years, but it seems like we're finally coming back together. If you want some advice, let your friend know that you care, and admit things that you've done wrong, but also call out things that they've done wrong. If he cares as much as you do about the friendship, it'll make a difference.”

After a moment, the guy responded with, “Yeah, thanks.”

Evan couldn’t figure out the guy’s reaction to his advice, but he supposed he would take it or leave it, and there was nothing more he could do. He nodded and gave a little laugh. "Well, I'm Evan by the way. I guess it might be weird to hear advice from a complete stranger.”

The guy nodded back. "Yeah. Also, Jeremy. That's uh...my name…obviously..." He laughed nervously.

Evan couldn’t help but smile at this a little. Jeremy actually seemed similar to him in some ways. That awkwardness, and yet a genuine… something. _Is this how other people see me?_

“Well, good luck with your friend Jeremy.” Evan said. “And either way, I’m here if you need a friend. If you want to… hang out sometime, that is.” This time, Evan felt awkward. He gave a small smile, hoping he wouldn’t freak Jeremy out.

Thankfully, Jeremy returned the smile and nodded. “Honestly, another friend would be great.” Then he turned to leave. “See ya around!”

“Yeah, see ya!” Evan said, waving. When Jeremy was gone, Evan looked at his watch, scared for a moment that he was late for his next class, but then he realized that he had lunch next, so he made his way to the cafeteria.

During lunch, Evan sat with Peter and Michael. He instantly noticed something was going on. Michael was looking around the cafeteria nervously, his eyes moving back and forth around room. Peter, meanwhile, was watching Michael closely. Attempting to break the tension, Evan asked, “So, where’s Ollie?”

Peter broke his gaze from Michael to look at Evan. “He has a class during lunch on Wednesdays.”

Evan nodded, and Michael seemed to stop his nervousness long enough to glance at Peter and say, “Man, that sucks. I’d hate to miss lunch for a class.

“He said he doesn’t mind it.” said Peter, and then he leaned in close and whispered, “But I’m still gonna sneak some food out when I leave so he can eat something after class.”

That made both Evan and Michael smile, but Evan noticed that it wasn’t long before the tension returned. He didn’t know how else to break it, so it just continued for the rest of lunch.

When he left the cafeteria, Evan went to Biology. He found the class pretty interesting. They learned about the difference between human, animal, and plant cells. The topic had been covered in science classes during middle school and high school, but they had never gone so in depth. He enjoyed the class, and almost felt disappointed when it ended.

_Wow, that’s probably the nerdiest thought I’ve ever had…_

Evan got back to his room, and not long after, Vince came in and threw his bag next to his bed furiously. Then he went over to his desk and opened a drawer. After a minute of looking through it, he slammed it shut.

Before Evan look ask what was wrong, Vince turned to him and asked, “Evan, can you lone me some money?”

Evan paused for a moment at this. He didn’t have any money on him, at least not cash, but instead of telling Vince that, his concern and curiosity took over. “For what?”

Vince sighed, sounding annoyed. “That’s not really any of your business. I just need some money right now. I’ll pay you back.”

“Well, I don’t have any money. Sorry.” said Evan regretfully.

Vince stared at Evan, to the point that it became uncomfortable. Then, Vince’s eyes narrowed. “Are you lying to me?” he asked, his voice low.

Evan’s eyes widened in surprise. “W-what? No, why would I lie? I don’t have any money on me.”

Vince took a step towards him, and the look in eye suddenly scared Evan, so he took a step back. “Vince, I promise I don’t.” he said quickly.

Vince stared at Evan for a minute, and looked away in frustration. “Fine. I’ll see you later.”

Before Evan could respond, Vince turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him roughly. Evan stood still for a moment, before slowly sinking down onto his bed. Something like that had never happened to him before, and he felt scared, concerned, and utterly confused. What could possibly cause Vince to change so quickly and drastically?

To get his mind off what happened, Evan decided to trade one stressor for another. He sat in at his desk with his math textbook and tried to figure out some of the problems.

An hour later, Evan was beginning to regret that. He was about ready to throw his _lovely_ textbook out the window, and maybe himself along with it. His only hope was that Jared would be arriving any minute. Like clockwork, Evan heard a knock at the door, and he could tell from how it sounded that it was Jared.

He jumped up and opened the door, and sure enough, Jared stood in front of him. "Thank goodness you're here!" Evan said, grabbing Jared by the hand and pulling him inside. "I'm about ready to burn this textbook!”

Jared tripped a little as he stumbled inside, but then he recovered and grinned. "Couldn't wait to see me, huh?”

Evan was too stressed out to deal with Jared’s games. "Sure, I can't get enough of you. Now can you please explain to me how to turn graphs into equations, and equations into graphs?”

Jared’s face went red and he cleared his throat. "Alright, jesus, chill! You'll have it down in no time. That’s like, one of the simplest things.”

Evan sighed, grateful that Jared knew just what to say to relieve the stress. “Okay. Fire away.”

Jared sat down next to Evan, and took a deep breath. Then he started to explain. Jared got into deep focus, chewing on his pencil in between sentences as he explained how the number next to x is the x-intercept and the number after it is the y-intercept, which means that's where the line will cross the y-axis. He then proceeded to explain how you graph whatever the intercept is, and use the slope to find the second point. He drew the lines on the paper in perfect symmetry, and then put his pen down, looking at Evan.

"I really hope you got that because I couldn't possibly say it in a simpler way.” he said.

Evan had listened to Jared carefully as he explained. When he finished, Evan was silent for a moment, before he said, “Okay, I think I get it. But then here," he turned the page. "It gives me these lines on a graph, and I have to figure out what the equation is. How do I you that?”

Jared laughed a little. "Well, you just reverse-engineer what we just did. Just put the numbers into the equation. You gotta subtract them too.”

Evan still looked confused. “But... how do you know what the slope is? They don't give you the number.”

Jared sighed. "Here, I'll show you." He proceeded to try and explain the process to Evan, but the taller boy didn't seem to get it. Despite looking very impatient, Jared didn’t get mad at Evan. Every time he failed to understand, Jared would just try to explain it another way.

After a solid 20 minutes, exhausting every teaching method possible, Evan's eyes brightened up. “Oh, I think I get it now!”

Jared put his hands together and looked up to the sky, as if he were praying. "It's about damn time!”

Evan blushed. "Well, thanks for putting up with me. Honestly, when I walked out of math class yesterday, I thought I was screwed.”

Jared grinned "Yeah, when you didn't get it after the first 10 minutes I thought you were screwed, too. This just proves how good of a teacher I am.”

Evan laughed. "Yeah, it sure does.”

Jared began to look around the room, and then he said, "Oh and by the way, I want a rematch of Street fighter some time. You don't deserve to sit on the throne.”

Evan’s smile faded. “Um… Actually, the video game is my roommate’s, and it turns out he doesn’t want us to play them.” He hoped Jared would let it go so he wouldn’t have to elaborate.

To Evan’s dismay, Jared gave him a sly look "He doesn't have to know, now does he?”

Evan shook his head fervently. “No, that wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Jared raised one of his eyebrows. "You seem to be quite scared of him.”

Evan grew nervous. He wasn’t exactly _scared_ of Vince, but earlier he was acting very different than the Vince he had gotten to know in the last few days. He was intimidating, intentionally so. “What? No no, he just… I mean I don’t want to use his stuff when he doesn’t want me to.”

Jared’s faced turned slightly serious. “Ev, you can’t lie to me, I’ve known you for too long. What’s this asshole doing to you?”

Evan got defensive. "He's not an asshole!" he paused and sighed. "I mean, he's usually super nice and everything, but earlier today he found out we played his video game and just got a little angry about it.”

Jared eyed Evan for moment, before he seemed to relax. "Alright. Whatever you say.” He put his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Anyways..my work here is done. Better get going.”

“Wait!” Evan blurted out. Jared stopped, and he waited for him to continue. “Um... Do yo want to get some dinner at the cafeteria? We can talk and hang out…"

Jared's eyes widened at the proposition "Yeah, uh, whatever, I was heading there anyways so...I guess you can tag along.”

Evan smiled. "Great! let's go then.”

Evan and Jared walked out of Evan's room, down the hall, and almost made it outside when Evan stopped. "Wait, I forgot my ID card... Can you run back and get it for me?"

Jared looked at Evan, confused. "I don't know where your ID card is, Evan, and I don't imagine you want me going through your stuff, finding all the kinky shit you're hiding."

Evan rolled his eyes. "I don't have any... oh never mind. My ID card's on the desk. My door code is 8347. One of us has to go ahead to the cafeteria because it closes in like, one minute."

Jared grinned "Now I can come and spy on you at night, bold move Evan. I'll go get it, but I want your dessert in return."

Evan nodded "Fine, I'll meet you there.” He turned around and rushed out the door. As he got closer to the cafeteria, he saw a woman approach the door with a key. He reached out his hand, hoping that he would be seen.

Thankfully, she looked up and waited for him. Evan walked in, and she locked the door. This meant he would have to wait for Jared to let him in. He sighed hungrily and tapped his foot. A few minutes later, he saw Jared approaching and opened the door.

Jared handed Evan his ID and glanced sideways at him. “Getting this was quite the adventure.”

“What do you mean?” Evan asked as he scanned his ID card.

"I'll tell you once we get our disgusting dinner." Jared said as he made his way past Evan.

Evan and Jared got their food and found a table to sit at. They start eating, but Evan soon looked at Jared expectantly. “…So?”

Jared look up at Evan, confused. “So…what?”

“What was your ‘little adventure’?”

Jared’s eyes brightened in recognition. “Oh, right!” He took another bite before continuing, "I had a very interesting encounter with an individual I can only assume was your roommate."

 _Oh no… when Jared using the word “interesting”, it could literally mean anything!_ Evan thought. “And?” he asked, trying to read the expression on Jared’s face, but it gave nothing away.

Jared pretended to think. ”Well, he almost murdered me for being in your room, but y'know. He seemed quite surprised that I was your friend, and he made sure to tell me to not touch his stuff." He snickered. "So I did.”

“Jared!” Evan exclaimed. _Of course he did…_

“What! No one can tell me what to do, let alone some human gorilla that thinks he’s super macho.” Jared said defensively.

Evan rolled his eyes "Well if I get beat up tomorrow at least I'll know who to blame." he said sarcastically.

Jared grinned "Well, we all know Evan Hansen likes it rough, so you can just thank me later.”

Evan scoffed and returned to his dinner, ignoring Jared when he said, “I like how you’re not denying it. Kinky.”

They ate in silence for awhile, before Evan looked up at Jared. "So, I think the first tutoring session went well. Do you think you'd come and help again? Say, Monday after class?"

Jared opened his mouth to answer, when someone said from behind them, "Jared, you didn't mention you had a date coming up..” It was a girl. She had a wide smile, and she confidently sat down next to Jared.

Before Evan could react to this, a guy who looked like he was related to the girl came out of nowhere and sat beside him. Evan tensed up for a second, before trying to relax. _It’s fine. Jared probably knows these people._

He composed himself, until the guy said, "And if this isn't a date then remind me to give this cutie my number."

Evan blushed furiously and he looked at Jared, embarrassed, begging for help.

Jared gave them a harsh glare and said, annoyed, "Luke, Lottie, this is Evan. Evan, these two assholes are Luke and Lottie, my friends from last year.”

Lottie stiffened up "Evan...the Evan?” She shifted suddenly, clearly having been kicked from under the table. “OW! I mean...Evan! Jared hasn't mentioned you! It's so nice to meet you."

Evan's eyes widened. "You uh... told them about me?” _What could he have possibly told them? The Connor project? My anxiety? Middle school?_ He cleared his throat. "Heh, a-all good things... I-I hope” _If Jared could think of any good things that is…_

Jared blushed bright red. “Moving on!” he stammered.

There was an awkward silence after that, which thankfully Evan didn’t mind as much as he used to. So he was able to break the silence without stuttering. “So… what are your majors?” he asked Luke and Lottie.

Luke smiled proudly. “I’m in social work and my minor is in social work in the military.”

Lottie scoffed, but not unkindly. “Yeah, we get it Luke, you have a need to go to third-world countries and be shot at. Anyway, I’m in biochemistry. What about you?”

Evan glanced at Jared. _He hates hearing about my interests. He’s made fun of them from the beginning, but… wouldn’t it be rude to not answer?_ “Environmental science, with a minor in English.” He took another peek at Jared, but he wasn’t even paying attention.

"Environmental science...is that like..trees and stuff?" Luke asked, curious.

Before he could answer, Jared said, "Don't ask him about that unless you want to spend the entire evening listening to him talk about it."

Evan sighed. _He can’t blame Jared. He’s spent years putting up with me after all. At least I’m a little less annoying now though. Jared’s seeing it already, and I’m sure he’ll continue to notice_

Luke gave Jared a disapproving look "Well, maybe I do. Go ahead, Evan."

Evan had opened his mouth to answer, but then he held back. _No, I’ll get too into it and annoy Jared, and probably them too._ ”Um… yeah kind of.” he said simply. “So anyway, you guys are twins, right? That's uh... pretty cool.”

Lottie raised an eyebrow at him "Don't let Jared shut you up, we want to hear about your major.”

Jared stood up. "I certainly don't so I'll let you guys get to it. See you around." he said, picking up his tray with the dinner untouched and leaving the table.

Evan watched Jared as he left. _And somehow, I managed to annoy Jared anyway._ He looked back awkwardly at Luke and Lottie.

Luke gave him a reassuring smile "You can go after him if you want, or you can tell us about your major. And don't worry about him storming off like that, that's just what Jared does."

He could go after Jared, but this was a chance to make some new friends. Friends who were also friend with Jared! That had never happened before. “Well, if you really want to know about my major…" he started, only got more reassuring smiles in response. _Okay then…_

"Well, environmental scientists use biology and chemistry to help the environment.” Evan said. “They work on stuff like pollution control, recycling, planting, soil care, clean water, and making sure the environment is safe for people, animals, and plants.”

Lottie's eyes lit up "So you're into chem and biology too then? That is so cool! I'm stuck in the lab all day and you get to go out and help the environment. I respect you for that." she said enthusiastically

Evan grinned, his heart soaring that she was actually interested. Interested in _him_! Or at least his major, but that was more than he had gotten from anybody else. “Yeah! I'd like to help the environment any way I can, but I'd really love to work as a environmental consultant at a state or national park."

Lottie gave him a big smile "Maybe we could work together sometime! Make sure all the drugs I'm inventing aren't hurtful to the environment and all that.”

Evan smiled widely. "Sure, That'd be great!”

“Nerd alert!” Luke said with a grin. “Anyway, I'm glad you told us dude, your major sounds really cool. Anyways, I should get going, I....have a lot of studying to do. Lottie, are you coming?”

Lottie looked back and forth between Luke and Evan, the she sighed. "Yeaah I'm coming. It was really nice meeting you Evan. I think we'll get along great. See you around!" she said with a smile.”

Evan waved, also smiling. “Yeah, bye!” He finished his dinner and left the cafeteria as well. This was the second day in a row that he felt truly accomplished. Jared had come to help him in math, and it really helped. Then he met people who he might actually form a connection with?  
He was surprised to find that he couldn’t stop smiling. This feeling… was great! He walked into his room and saw the math textbook still open on his desk.

He started working on the homework, and found that the tutoring session had helped immensely. That was when Evan remembered that he and Jared hadn’t confirmed for Monday yet. He took out his phone and texted him.

**Ev: So, are we good for Monday then?**

Ten minutes later, Jared texted back.

**fam friend: wouldnt u rather go on your date with Luke?**

Evan rolled his eyes, and decided to play along with Jared’s teasing.

**Ev: ??? No, I'm already pledged to my 'precious trees', remember?**

It takes him less than a minute to respond this time

**fam friend: shame. Woulda been a hell of a wedding, ill let u know if Monday works later ill be p busy next week.**

Evan thought about what Jared had said. He wouldn’t date Luke, but Lottie was really nice, and she was interested in the same things as him. He pushed the idea away, for several reasons, but it did give him an idea to mess with Jared.

 **Ev: K, Lottie's pretty cute though...**  
**Ev: Lol, jk**

_Wait, that came out wrong. Abort! Abort!_

**Ev: I mean not jk that she's cute, I mean jk that I'd go on a date with her!! I mean, she's super nice and pretty but we just met so I wasn't even thinking about that I just wanted to joke around with you sorry**

_Real smooth…_ It’s another ten minutes before Jared responded.

 **fam friend: maybe u should go on a date with her.**  
**fam friend: u 2 are perfect for each other.**

_Wait, did Jared think I was serious?_

**Ev: Wait, really?? She seems super confident though**

another 10 minutes pass

 **fam friend: for real**  
**fam friend: shes p much me with the sarcasm but u know**  
**fam friend: with a vagina and w/o the issues.**  
**fam friend: u should ask her out.**

Right, because if there was one thing Evan enjoyed and was skilled at, it’s sarcasm.

**Ev: Noooo, she seems better for you. Maybe you should ask her out**

_Wait, isn’t Jared gay?_

**Ev: Or Luke**  
**Ev: Wait, is that why you're upset?**  
**Ev: I promise I won't steal them from you, Lol**

Did Jared think that he would steal his friends? That thought was really weird, like anyone would choose him over Jared? what?? And if Jared was romantically interested in Luke, the thought of him feeling threatened by Evan was even weirder. Jared’s responded quickly this time.

 **fam friend: im not upset what the fuck are u talking about**  
**fam friend: and u seem to have forgotten im super gay so no Lottie for me thank u very much**  
**fam friend: ask her out**  
**fam friend: u wont regret it**

 **Ev: No**  
**Ev: And don't tell them about any of this!**

 **fam friend: i might**  
**fam friend: ill ask her out for u if youre too anxious to do it**

_Why is so hung up about this? I just want a friend, and now Jared is threatening to end it before it even begins!_

**Ev: If you do, I'll tell Luke you have the hots for him**

**fam friend: everyone has the hots for Luke Evan youve seen him**  
**fam friend: youre so bad at blackmailing oh my god**

**Ev: Well anyway, I'm not anxious about it. Ordering food? Asking someone out? I'm good with that now. I just want a friend that's interested in science and won't tease me about it... like some people…**

**fam friend: alright**  
**fam friend: whatever u say.**  
**fam friend: and u love when i tease you**

Now that was the funniest thing Evan’s heard all day.

**Ev: Goodnight Jared**

**fam friend: good night,acorn**

Evan put his phone down, before reaching for it again and looking at the contact. Jared was still “fam friend” in his phone. He kind of wanted to change it, but had no idea what to change it to. friend would be more accurate, but he had other friends too now. best friend? Too cheesy, and felt like Jared wouldn’t agree with that and tease him. Besides, he just got Jared back, and he wasn’t about to ruin it by being too desperate and clingy. so in the end, he kept it at “fam friend.”

Later, when the door opened, Evan grew a little nervous about Vince, but he just simply walked in, sat down on his bed, and ignored Evan completely, which Evan was fine with. He hoped that these issues wouldn’t last. Vince seemed like a pretty nice guy most of the time.

Eventually, Evan began to grow tired, so he shut off his phone, and went to bed.


	14. Jared Kleinman: Tremors

When Jared woke up the next day, he was surprisingly happy. The memory of last night on his mind, and the promise of more time spent with Evan, he grinned from ear to ear getting ready to go to class.

“What’s got you so happy?” Brody asked, curious.

“Well that’s none of your business now is it?” Jared responded, the smile on his face disappearing.

Brody laughed, “Man, you’re an asshole even when you’re happy. That’s a drag.” 

Jared shrugged and decided to leave the conversation at that. There was no tension in the room, the boys’ bickering friendly, so he figured he’d save his breath and get to class early.

He had Physics as the first class of the day, which he didn’t feel too strongly about. 

He sat down on his usual seat and actually payed attention to the lecture. He found himself enjoying it more than usual. 

Halfway through the lecture he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He got it out quickly just to have a quick glance at what’s happening, and saw a text from Evan. He tried really hard not to smile.

**Acorn: Hey Jared, are you free today? For the tutoring session I mean, I have homework due tomorrow and I can already see how desperately I’m going to need your help.**

Jared’s mood got even better. He got to hang out with Evan yesterday and he’d be seeing him again today. It was almost as if the universe was trying to make up for the whole year without him. 

**Memelord: yeah sure**

**Acorn: Great! My room, 7pm**

Jared had no idea what the rest of the lecture was about, because all he could think about was Evan. As per usual.

After lunch, Jared had English literature as his next class, and so he made his way to the building. He figured he might as well make a stop for the bathroom and found the nearest one in sight. 

He walks into the bathroom and saw a guy leaning over the sink, looking in the mirror, shaking uncontrollably. He gives him a confused look. 

_What the fuck?_

_"_ Are you having a stroke?" 

The stranger doesn’t respond. Jared takes a step closer.

"Dude, if you're having a stroke, you kinda gotta tell me, or give me a sign, flip me off or something. I gotta call an ambulance if that's the case or I could get in trouble."

The guy flips him off, taking Jared’s advice.

Jared's eyes widened. "Holy shit you're not actually having a stroke, are you?" He ran to the guy, put his hands on his shoulders and started shaking him, not knowing what else to do.

He shook his head, weakly, and tries to back away from him.

Jared looked the guy up and down. He noticed that not only was he shaking, but he was also crying, and he could see little drops of sweat on his forehead. The guy looked like hell. "Hey, dude, seriously, you okay?" Jared asked in a serious voice this time. 

The guy started to nod before freezing and shaking his head, giving up.

Jared was no longer in the mood for jokes. "Hey, hey, breathe." He started to breathe with the stranger, counting each breath, making sure to slow down his breathing drastically.

His breaths were shaky and small, but he was trying to calm down. That much was clear. 

Jared breathed with the guy until his breathing slowed down considerably and he looked a little less freaked out. "You're good, it's fine." A moment of silence passed. "Dude, what the fuck happened to you?”

"N-nothing…"

Jared raised an eyebrow at him. "Uh huh, okay, so you're telling me you're in the bathroom having a panic attack over...nothing?"

The guy froze, seemingly not knowing what to respond.

"Dude, chill, alright? We don't know each other, venting to a stranger is probably the best thing you can do right now." Jared assured him. 

It took him a few moments to speak, but when he did, he was clearly trying not to cry more, "W-well...I just...I'm...not needed anymore...a-and I know I h-hurt him too…but…I thought we'd get…better…b-but I guess...we didn't…” His words made no sense to Jared. 

"I-I just...w-want Michael back..."

"Boy trouble, huh? Got a bit of ye olde experience in that department myself." Jared was silent for a moment. "Well, listen...I don't know your uh...story, and all that…but I had a friend who hurt me too, and we figured it out. I'm sure this...Michael person still needs you, even if he doesn’t appear to. Maybe you should try talking to him instead of having breakdowns in public bathrooms and you could sort the whole thing out."

"He doesn't want to talk to me..." 

Jared sighed. “Is that so, or is it you're too scared to talk to him? I'd gift you a trampoline if I had one because you clearly love jumping to conclusions."

"...He doesn't want to talk to me... He told me not to talk to him in public...and now he's mad at me too..."

"Oh...” Jared’s silent for a moment. “Well, he sounds like an asshole. And you won't fix anything by standing here feeling sorry for yourself. I'm sure y'all can figure things out, but not like this." Jared patted the stranger on the shoulder, "Alright man?"

"Th-then how should I?"

Jared stopped to think before speaking. "Let me take you through it." 

He started to count on his fingers. “Step 1: You gotta calm your tits, dude. Step 2: Gather your thoughts. Speak your mind. Tell him he’s an asshole. Step 3: Have make-up sex. Step 4: Be happy forever." 

He thought for a few seconds, until he processed what he just heard, "Wait...I'm not doing step 3!"

Jared put his hand on the stranger’s shoulder. “Sure you’re not.” He laughed as he took a step back, "I'm gonna go find another bathroom to do my business in, but take me up on the advice, for real." He turned to leave.

"Wait!" He pauses "Th-thanks..."

"I'll take one BBQ pizza to the room 178 as a thank you! Oh, and remember to use protection." he said with a wink as he left the bathroom. 

Jared found himself thinking about the encounter all the way through British lit. He quite liked the teacher’s take on Waiting for Godot, as he quite enjoyed the book, but he kept getting distracted. He didn’t want to seem too intrusive when he was talking to the guy, but damn, did he want an explanation. He couldn’t help his curiosity. 

Once British lit was over, Jared’s classes were done for the day and being nervous about the tutoring session that was supposed to happen in a few hours, he decided to walk around the hallways and see if he found anything interesting to distract himself with. 

He passed a few classes with clubs taking place, which he thought was the lamest thing ever. Clubs were lame even in high school, so clubs in college were just…next level lame. 

As he was lost in thought, he passed a room that seemed quite big and Jared could hear video game sounds coming from inside of it. He stopped suddenly at the familiar sounds and opened the door slightly, so he could take a peak in. 

Inside he saw video game consoles, a big tv and a few computers. This was exactly what Jared needed. Beat some people at various games to distract himself and give himself an ego boost before losing all of his confidence in front of Evan.

He walks into the room and looks around. The first thing he notices is a tv with a bunch of people in front of it, who are playing Mario Kart. They're currently driving through Rainbow Road, and all of them seem to be pretty bad at it, falling off every 5 seconds. Jared's quite amused by the sight and decides to join an unknown guy who's standing behind the couch, spectating. 

"These people suck at this game, wow." Jared remarked.

The guy chuckled. “Yeah, it’s almost funny.

Jared scoffed, "More like pathetic. I could beat these losers with one hand and my eyes closed.” 

The stranger paused for a moment, seeming to be ?analyzing Jared? before grinning widely, "Well, maybe when they're finished embarrassing themselves, we can show them how it's done.”

Jared looks at the guy next to him, giving him a sly look _._ "You're on."

When the race finishes, three of the guys leave, giving Jared and the boy an opportunity to jump in.

Jared walked to the front of the couch, "Hey, you playing another game?"

The remaining guy nodded and gestured to the free controllers. "Feel free to jump in."

Jared grinned, "Will do!" He grabbed one of the free controllers and hands the other one to the stranger standing by, "Loser owes the other one a pizza."

The guy nodded and grabbed the other controller. "You're on!"

Right before they began, a girl they hadn't noticed grabbed the last one. Jared recognized her as the girl who was talking to Evan earlier, the same girl that Evan seemed to like _so much_. "Room for one more?"

Jared didn't even bother to look up _._ "If you want to get your ass kicked, then yes."

They all chose their characters and vehicles before playing. Jared went for Luigi and the unknown guy next to him went for Koopa Troopa, which told him the guy knew what he was doing. The girl chose Peach, which made Jared grin gleefully. Someone who'd pick Peach clearly didn't know what they were doing, and Jared was prepared to crush her. They decided each of them would choose one map, as the game had 4 rounds, and the stranger he had met earlier was to pick first. He chose Ghost Valley, which made Jared clench his teeth, as it was one of his least favorite maps.

As the guy chose Ghost Valley, he said, "My skills won't be the only thing haunting you in your sleep."

Jared grinned at the dork next to him _._ "Title of your sex-tape.”

Michael stifled a laugh. "Hey, there's a lady present!"

She grinned. "I'd watch it."

_Oh my god shut the fuck up_

Jared mumbled under his breath, "Doesn't seem like much of a lady to me." as they started to play.

The four of them started playing and Jared soon realized he wasn't the only good player present. He was first most of the time, but the guy next to him got ahead of him and sent a banana peel in front of his kart as he was about to hit the finish line. This set him back so much he came in fourth, with the girl coming in second. Needles, to say, Jared was furious.

He wanted to keep his cool in front of these new people and so despite his rage, all he managed to get out was, "You got lucky."

Jared was the next one to pick the map. He chose Rainbow Road, as despite it being one of the hardest maps there was, it was the most fun to play and Jared played it so much he got quite good at it.

“That’s pretty gay.” said the stranger, to which the girl laughed. 

"That's because I'm pretty gay." Jared said with a grin _._

The guy looked surprised but didn’t say anything.

The next few minutes were filled with groans, screams and frustration. Jared won Rainbow road, with the other random guy second, the guy next to him third and the girl 7th. Jared couldn't help but laugh at her placement. The random guy chose Moo Moo Meadows as the next map, to which all of them reacted with a laugh, and beat the guy in his own game, the girl finishing first this time, the guy second, Jared third. The scores were pretty tight and the last map was to determine the winner. The girl hesitated a bit before choosing Bowser's castle. Jared rolled his eyes at the pick.

_Of course she’d choose that_

“Don’t think I didn’t see that.” said the girl, who saw his eye roll.

"Glad you did." Jared growled back.

They started to play. All four of them as focused as ever, they made their way through the map. The game was intense, all of them being good players. As they were about to start their third and final lap, Jared was second, with the guy next to him first. He was certain he'd win.

The girl glanced at Jared and turned back to the screen, showing the focus on her face. 

They raced near each other, bumping into the other, getting no good power-ups to help them. They could almost see the finish line when they both suddenly got knocked out by a Bullet Bill. The bullet turned back into a kart right before the finish line, and Jared couldn't believe his own eyes. It was the girl.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Jared screamed out, coming in third.

The girl crossed the finish line and smirked at Jared. 

“I didn’t see that coming.” said Michael. 

“Neither did he.” Responded the girl, looking at Jared. 

“You can say that again. Nice job” said the guy. 

Jared was furious. "Whatever! She just got lucky, she chose Peach for fuck’s sake, no wonder she was last. She never would've gotten that power-up if she was good at this game in the first place.

The girl shrugged, “It’s Mario Kart, it’s how the game goes. Thanks in advance for the pizza. I like ham and pineapple.”

Jared rolled his eyes so hard he thought they’d stay facing up, "Of course you do."

She laughed and stood up. “Thanks for the challenge boys.” She said and walked over to another group to play a different game.

Jared eyed her as she left _._ "Fuck that girl.”

Michael shook his head. “Man, she put us in our place, that’s for sure.”

Jared scoffed, "We'll crush her so hard next time she'll cry." He turned to the guy next to him, "I'm Jared, by the way.”

“I’m Michael.” he said with a smile.

_Michael? As in…the Michael that the guy in the bathroom was crying over today? I mean it doesn’t have to be him, but if so, holy shit, this school is small._

"Well, Michael, it has been a real joy meeting you, but I think I'll go accept my defeat elsewhere. Guess I'll see you around?"

“Yep, see ya.”

As Jared turned to leave, he started wondering _: I could say something to him…but should I? I mean it’s no my place….ah, fuck it, let’s have some fun._

He turned around, "By the way, I saw some guy freaking out in the bathroom earlier and he mentioned something about a Michael. Now, you're obviously not the only Michael at this school, but if I were you, I'd check with your buddies. You may be breaking someone's heart or something. See ya!” and with that, he was gone. 

Jared spent the time he had before going to Evan’s playing a game on his phone. He realized he should be studying, but can’t bring himself to do it. He wouldn’t be able to focus anyway, knowing he was about to spend some time with the boy he  loves  likes.

He decided to take a quick shower and change before going. _Smelling good has never hurt anyone, right?_

He totally wasn’t doing that for Evan. He was doing it because he wanted to smell nice. For himself. Nobody else.

He made his way through the hallway, remembering the path clearly this time. He reached it and knocked on the door. 

*Knock-knock knock knock-knock* He couldn't settle for a simple knock. 

Evan opened the door eagerly. "Thank goodness you're here!" he grabbed Jared by the hand and pulled him inside. "I'm about ready to burn this textbook!"

Jared tripped over his own feet, not expecting the warm welcome. He grinned "Couldn't wait to see me, huh?

"Sure, I can't get enough of you. Now can you please explain to me how to turn graphs into equations, and equations into graphs?" he seemed a little stressed.

Jared blushed involuntarily but shook it off quickly. He noticed Evan wasn't in the mood for jokes and cleared his throat. "Alright, Jesus, chill! You'll have it down in no time, that's like one of the simplest things."

Evan sighed and gave a small smile, "Okay. Fire away."

Jared sat down next to Evan, making sure their shoulders weren't touching, took a deep breath, and started to explain.

He got into deep focus, chewing on his pencil in between sentences as he explained how the number next to x is the x-intercept and the number after it is the y-intercept, which means that's where the line will cross the y-axis. He then proceeded to explain how to graph whatever the intercept is and use the slope to find the second point. He drew the lines on the paper in perfect symmetry, put his pen down, and looked at Evan _._ "I really hope you got that because I couldn't possibly say it in a simpler way."

Evan had listened to Jared carefully as he explained, nodding sometimes. When Jared finished, he was silent for a moment, before he said _,_ Okay, I think I get it. But then here," he turned the page _,_ "It gives me these lines on a graph, and I have to figure out what the equation is. How do I do that?"

Jared laughed a little. "Well, you just reverse-engineer what we just did. Just put the numbers into the equation. You gotta subtract them, too.”

"But... how do you know what the slope is? They don't give you the number."

Jared sighed. "Here, I'll show you."

Jared proceeded to try to explain the process to Evan, but the taller boy didn't seem to get it. Jared wasn’t the most patient person in the world, but he somehow found the strength to refrain from beating the notes over Evan's head. After a solid 20 minutes of explaining time and time again, exhausting every teaching method possible, Evan's eyes brightened up.

"Oh, I think I get it now!"

Jared put his hands together and looked up to the sky, as if he were praying _._ "It's about damn time!"

Evan blushed _._ "Well, thanks for putting up with me. Honestly, when I walked out of math class yesterday, I thought I was screwed.” 

_You could be screwed. By me._

Jared pushed the inappropriate thoughts away and grinned, "Yeah, when you didn't get it after the first 10 minutes I thought you were screwed, too. This just proves how good of a teacher I am,” he said, proudly.

Evan laughed _._ "Yeah, it sure does."

Jared blushed as he looked around the room to avoid looking into Evan's eyes. "Oh and by the way, I want a rematch of Street Fighter some time. You don't deserve to sit on the throne."

Evan's smile faded instantly. "Um... Actually, the video game is my roommate's, and it turns out he doesn't want us to play them."

Jared gave Evan a sly look, "He doesn't have to know, now does he?"

Evan's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "No, that wouldn't be a good idea."

Jared raised one of his eyebrows. "You seem to be quite scared of him."

Evan looked nervous, "What? No no, he just... I mean I don't want to use his stuff when he doesn't want me to, that's all.”

Jared’s thoughts started racing. The look on Evan’s face told him he was lying, and he couldn’t bear the thought of someone hurting Evan. He didn’t know why Evan would lie to him if it wasn’t serious, which only made him more nervous. 

"Ev, you can't lie to me, I've known you for too long. What's this asshole doing to you?"

"He's not an asshole!" he paused and sighed. "I mean, he's usually super nice and everything, but earlier today he found out we played his video game and just got a little angry about it."

Jared eyed Evan up and down, unconvinced, but decided to let it go. _I guess he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me. And I can’t blame him. I’ve always been an asshole to him._

“Alright. Whatever you say." Jared put his hands into the pockets of his jeans _._ "Anyways...my work here is done. Better get going.”

"Wait! Um... Do you want to get some dinner at the cafeteria? We can talk and hang out..." Evan said quickly.

Jared's eyes widened at the proposition. "Yeah, uh, whatever, I was heading there anyways so...I guess you can tag along."

Evan's smile returned. "Great! let's go then."

Evan and Jared walked out of Evan's room, down the hall, and almost make it outside when Evan stopped. "Wait, I forgot my ID card... Can you run back and get it for me?”

Jared looked at Evan, confused. "I don't know where your ID card is Evan, and I don't imagine you want me going through your stuff, finding all the kinky shit you're hiding.”

Evan rolled his eyes _._ "I don't have any... oh never mind. My ID card's on the desk. My door code is 8347. One of us has to go ahead to the cafeteria because it closes in like, one minute."

Jared grinned, "Now I can come and spy on you at night, bold move Evan. I'll go get it, but I want your dessert in return."

"Fine, I'll meet you there."

Jared turned around and rushed back to Evan's room for the ID card. He reached the door and tried to input the code into the door lock. He couldn't remember the combination for a while, cursing with each unsuccessful attempt. He finally got the code right, opened the door and entered the room.

He looked around the room and saw the ID card on Evan's desk _._ "Aha!" he said to himself.

His eyes got caught at Evan's photo. Evan had never been the most photogenic person, but god, did he look good in this picture. Jared couldn't bring himself to stop admiring Evan's beauty, so he just stood there, frozen.

Suddenly, a loud voice came from behind Jared. "Hey! What are doing?!”

Jared quickly turned around, facing a tall, seemingly quite older guy staring at him viciously _._ "Hey, chill big fella. I'm a friend of one of the people that live in this room, I'm just picking up his ID card.” 

" _You're_ Evan's friend?"

Jared straightened his back to appear taller, to show he wasn't afraid of whoever this person was. "So?What's it to you?"

"Nothing, just that when I heard he touched my stuff with a friend I assumed it was another freshman." He pushed past Jared and grabbed his cellphone that was on his bed. "Get out, and don't touch my stuff."

And he walked out.

Jared waited until the stranger was safely gone, before looking around the room and touching his bed, his video games, his desk as well as the books that were scattered across the floor. He looked at the empty hallway and stuck his tongue as well as his middle finger out as if the stranger was still there. Feeling rebellious and quite good about himself, he left the room and made his way to the cafeteria.

Evan was standing just inside the door, but he couldn't get food until he had his ID card. When Jared approached, Evan opened the door.

Jared handed Evan his ID "Getting this was quite the adventure."

Evan looked at him questioningly as he scanned in his ID card. "What do you mean?"

"I'll tell you once we get our disgusting dinner." Jared said as he made his way past Evan.

The boys got their food and found a table to sit at.

Jared started eating his dinner, having forgotten about the incident already.

"...So?"

Jared looked at Evan, confused. "So... so what?" 

_I’m still a Rockstar, I’ve got my rock moves, and I don’t need you..._

Evan’s voice snapped Jared back to reality. "What was your 'little adventure'?"

"Oh, right!" He took a bite before speaking. "I had a very interesting encounter with an individual I can only assume was your roommate."

Evan was silent for a moment, before asking, "And?"

"Well, he almost _murdered_ me for being in your room, but y'know. He seemed quite surprised that I was your friend, and he made sure to tell me to not touch his stuff." Jared snickered. "So I did."

"Jared!" Evan exclaimed.

"What! No one can tell me what to do, let alone some human gorilla that thinks he's super macho."

Evan rolled his eyes "Well if I get beat up tomorrow at least I'll know who to blame." he said sarcastically.

Jared grinned, "Well, we all know Evan Hansen likes it rough, so you can just thank me later."

Evan scoffed at the joke and started to eat his dinner.

Jared snickered "I like how you're not denying it. Kinky."

_Great, and now the image of tied-up spanking-wanting Evan won’t leave my head, just what I needed_

Evan ignored that. After a minute, he looked up at Jared. "So, I think the first tutoring session went well. Do you think you'd come and help again? Say, Monday after class?"

Jared felt redness entering his cheeks and just as he was about to accept the invitation, he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Jared, you didn't mention you had a date coming up." Lottie said as she sits down next to Jared.

Luke arrived a few seconds later, taking a spot next to Evan. "And if this isn't a date then remind me to give this cutie my number."

Evan's face went red and he looked at Jared, embarrassed.

Jared gave the twins a look that could kill and said in an annoyed voice "Luke, Lottie, this is Evan. Evan, these two assholes are Luke and Lottie, my friends from last year."

Lottie stiffened up "Evan...the Evan?"

_Jesus fucking christ, Lottie_

Jared kicked her leg under the table. "OW! I mean...Evan! Jared hasn't mentioned you! It's so nice to meet you."

Evan's eyes widened. "You uh... told them about me?" He cleared his throat. "Heh, a-all good things... I-I hope.“ 

_Fuck me dead_

Jared's face was so red he looked like a tomato. "Moving on!”

Jared’s mood worsened in an instant. He couldn’t believe his friends exposed him like that. Additionally, he couldn’t stop thinking about Luke asking for Evan’s number. He was certain Evan would be charmed by him and his heart ached at the thought. The world around him seemed to slow down.

He realized he didn’t know Evan’s sexuality, but if anyone could turn Evan gay, it was Luke. Jared wanted to get out of there, his leg bouncing up and down nervously, he tried to think of an escape. It was at that moment he started to take in the world around him again. 

"So... what are your majors?" Evan asked Luke and Lottie.

"I'm in social work and my minor is in social work in the military." Luke gave him a proud smile 

"Yeah, we get it Luke, you have a need to go to third-world countries and be shot at.“ Lottie said with a bored expression. “Anyway, I'm in biochemistry. What about you?"

Evan glanced at Jared briefly, before saying, "Environmental science, with a minor in English."

Jared's eyes were glued to the food in front of him. 

"Environmental science...is that like..trees and stuff?" Luke asks, curious.

"Don't ask him about that unless you want to spend the entire evening listening to him talk about it." Jared said to his food.

Luke gave Jared a disapproving look "Well, maybe I do. Go ahead, Evan."

Evan had opened his mouth to answer, but then he held back, before saying, "Um... yeah kind of. So anyway, you guys are twins, right? That's uh... pretty cool.”

Lottie raised an eyebrow at him "Don't let Jared shut you up, we want to hear about your major.”

_This is my chance. Evan thinks I hate him talking about his interests, so if I leave now, he won’t notice how upset I am._

"I certainly don't, so I'll let you guys get to it. See you around." Jared said, picking up his tray with the dinner untouched and leaving the table. 

_Well that got fucked as badly as it could’ve_

Jared was kind of hoping someone (Evan) would go after him, but when he turned around and saw an empty hallway, he got even sadder. 

He rushed into his room, opened the door with a slam and went straight under the covers. He noticed Brody sitting behind his desk and was grateful his roommate knew better than to ask questions.

He didn’t know why he was so upset. Was it the thought of Evan and Luke going on a date? Or the general threat Evan would like his friends more than he likes Jared? 

Jared was as good at understanding his feelings as he was at expressing them. Aka – horrible. And so there was nothing left to do but look at Instagram memes and watch youtube videos.

The aforementioned activities made him quite sleepy, and so, exhausted from the day’s events, his eyelids started feeling heavy and he felt himself drifting off.

That was until he heard a text message notification

**Acorn: So, are we good for Monday then?**

Jared’s eyes widened at the text. He lay there for a while, his thoughts racing. He didn‘t know whether he wanted to hang out with Evan. The burden of listening to Evan gush about Luke would be too much to bear.

It took him about 10 minutes to respond, and even then, he was unsure whether he should respond at all.

**Memelord: wouldnt u rather go on your date with Luke?**

**Acorn: ??? No, I'm already pledged to my 'precious trees', remember?**

Jared smiled to himself _. Such a dork_

**Memelord: shame. woulda been a hell of a wedding, ill let u know if monday works later, ill be p busy next week**

**Acorn: K, Lottie's pretty cute though...**

Jared could feel his heart aching.

**Acorn: Lol, jk**

**Acorn: I mean not jk that she's cute, I mean jk that I'd go on a date with her!! I mean, she's super nice and pretty but we just met so I wasn't even thinking about that I just wanted to joke around with you sorry**

_So Evan will go on a date with Lottie and they will fall in love and abandon me and I will be all alone again_

_Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool_

Jared can feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He tried to push them away as hard as he could. It, again, takes him about 10 minutes to respond. 

**Memelord: maybe u should go on a date with her**

**Memelord: u 2 are perfect for each other**

_If Evan is happy, I’m happy_

**Acorn: Wait, really?? She seems super confident though**

Jared couldn’t bring himself to respond. He knew moving on from Evan was the best thing to do, and this was probably the best way to do it, but the aching in his chest and the knot in his stomach were telling him otherwise. 

Jared took his time to reply again. He typed several responses and deleted them (no, not rly, cause the 2 of us are perfect for each other, i love u evan, be with me) before taking a deep breath and typing again.

**Memelord: for real**

**Memelord: shes p much me with the sarcasm but u know**

**Memelord: with a vagina and w/o the issues**

**Memelord: u should ask her out**

**Acorn: Noooo, she seems better for you. Maybe you should ask her out**  
****

**Acorn: Or Luke**

**Acorn: Wait, is that why you're upset?**

**Acorn: I promise I won't steal them from you, Lol**

_Fuck, if I could tell him, and FUCK! He’s not supposed to know I was upset!_

Jared tried to mask his feelings by responding quickly this time.

**Memelord: im not upset what the fuck are u talking about**

**Memelord: and u seem to have forgotten im super gay so no Lottie for me thank u very much**

**Memelord: ask her out**

**Memelord: u wont regret it  
**

**Acorn: No**

**Acorn: And don't tell them about any of this!  
**

**Memelord:i might**

**Memelord: ill ask her out for u if youre too anxious to do it  
**

**Acorn: If you do, I'll tell Luke you have the hots for him  
**

**Memelord: everyone has the hots for Luke Evan youve seen him**

**Memelord: youre so bad at blackmailing oh my god**

**Acorn: Well anyway, I'm not anxious about it. Ordering food? Asking someone out? I'm good with that now. I just want a friend that's interested in science and won't tease me about it... like some people...**  
****

**Memelord: alright**  
****

**Memelord: whatever u say**

**Memelord: and u love when I tease you**

**Acorn: Goodnight Jared**

**Memelord: good night,acorn**

 Jared sat his phone down and stared at the ceiling. Brody was already sleeping next to him, probably dreaming of Luke. Jared realized he forgot to ask Luke about their relationship and made a mental note to do so later.

He had trouble falling asleep that night, with a single person on his mind – Evan. He didn’t know what he’d do about his attraction to the boy, all he knew was he was desperate and tired of feeling sad all the time. 

Before he fell into restless sleep, he vowed he’d find a way to get over Evan Hansen. He vowed to build a wall around himself so thick not even a tank could go through it. He vowed to never fall in love again, because it was destroying him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 


	15. Jeremy Heere: Tremors

Everyone stared at Jeremy, malicious intent in their glowing blue eyes. A familiar figure stood behind him, speaking words Jeremy couldn't hear. Only feel. They felt like burning knives piercing through his skin. All of a sudden, he couldn't breathe. It hurt to much to. Jeremy wanted to scream, run, yell for help. But he couldn’t. He was frozen in place. It was all too familiar to him. Scarily familiar. He didn't want to go back to that Hell.

All of a sudden, he awoke abruptly, breathing heavily. Looking around, he realized that he was still in the dark of his room. He turned to look outside and noticed that the sun wasn't even up yet, leaving the pitch blanket over him. He sighed and pulled out his phone.

After nearly going blind due to the light, he checked the time, and decided to talk to the only person he knew was up at such an early hour of 3:26 in the morning… Christine.

**Player-Two: hey, Chris. Ya up?**

**Dramaqueen: yea. Why are you?**

**Player-Two: cause**

**Dramaqueen: no come on. What?**

**Player-Two: just a nightmare, k?**

**Dramaqueen: what about?**

**Player-Two: the you-know-what**

**Dramaqueen: again? Well, how can I help?**

**Player-Two: just talk to me, ok?**

**Dramaqueen: okie!**

Knowing what he was getting into, Jeremy just let her rant for a while on basically anything, until they both decided to go back to sleep. They had class later anyway.

Everything came crumbling down. Jeremy had Drama and everything was going great! Until Christine asked about Michael. She kept questioning him, but every time he would wave her off. He knew she meant well. Really, he did. But something was wrong that day. Off.

He ended up snapping at her.

Then, he bolted into the nearest bathroom, leaving the poor girl broken and confused. But, just his luck, he wasn't alone.

Shortly after Jeremy went in, another student walked into the bathroom. Jeremy had been clutching the sink, looking in the mirror, and shaking uncontrollably. The guy gave him a confused look.

"Are you having a stroke?" He asked. Jeremy wasn’t, but he didn't respond.

The guy took a step to be a little closer to him "Dude, if you’re having a stroke, you kinda gotta tell me, or give me a sign, flip me off or something. I gotta call the ambulance if that's the case or I could get in trouble."

Jeremy didn't actually mean to take the guys advice, but he still flipped him off, very weakly.

The guy's eyes widened, "Holy shit you're not actually having a stroke are you?" He ran over to Jeremy, put his hands on his shoulders and started shaking him, not knowing what else to do.

_Get away, please!_

Jeremy shook his head, weakly, and tried to back away from him. Maybe he shouldn't have flipped him off. Because, that gave him the impression he was actually having a stroke.

_Smart move, Jeremy._

The guy looked Jeremy up and down. He noticed that, not only was he shaking, but he was also crying. Jeremy knew he could see the little drops of sweat on his forehead. He looked like hell.

_Pitiful..._

"Hey, dude, seriously, you okay?" 

Jeremy started to nod before freezing and shaking his head. _Might as well tell him the truth. I mean, what else should I do?_

"Hey, hey, breathe." He started to breathe, counting on each breath, making sure to slow down drastically. Jeremy's breaths were shaky and small, but he was trying to calm down. That much was clear. The guy breathed with him until his breathing slowed down considerably and he looked a little less freaked out."You're good, it's fine." A moment of silence passed. Jeremy hoped the guy would just leave him, but he also didn't want to be alone.

"Dude, what the fuck happened to you?" _Looked like it was going to be the latter._

"N-nothing.." _So much for telling the truth._

"Uh huh, okay, so you're telling me you're in the bathroom having a panic attack over nothing?” Looked like the guy could see right through him. Jeremy froze, trying to to let the anxious fear show.

"Dude, chill, alright? We don't know each other, venting to a stranger is probably the best thing you can do right now." The guy told him. He was probably right.

It took Jeremy a few moments to speak, but when he did, he was clearly trying not to cry more, "W-well...I just...I'm..not needed anymore...a-and I know I h-hurt him too..but..I thought we’d get..better..b-but I guess...we didn't.." He wasn't clear...at all. Honestly, Jeremy didn't care about how descriptive he was, or clear, or anything, "I-I just..w-want Michael back..."

The guy sighed, "Boy trouble, huh? Got a bit of yee old experience in that department myself.” He was silent for a moment, "Well, listen..I don’t know your uh...story, and all that, but I had a friend who also did something pretty horrible to me and we figured it out. I'm sure this..Michael person still needs you. Maybe you should try talking to him instead of having breakdowns in public bathrooms and you could sort the whole thing out."

"He doesn't want to talk to me..." It's true. Michael had said not to talk to him in public. So, why was Jeremy getting worked up about it?

"Is that so, or is it you're too scared to talk to him? I'd gift you a trampoline if I had one cause you clearly love jumping to conclusions." If Jeremy hadn't felt so horrible, he probably would

have laughed at that. But he felt horrible.

 "...He doesn't want to talk to me... He told me not to talk to him in public...and now he's mad at me too.."

"Oh...” The guy was silent for a moment. "Well, he sounds like an asshole. And you won't fix anything by standing here feeling sorry for yourself. I’m sure y'all can figure things out, but not like this." He pat Jeremy on the shoulder, "Alright man?"Jeremy wanted to say it was alright, but

really, it wasn't. At all.

"Th-then how should I?" Jeremy was at least going to try.

"Let me take you through it." The stranger started counting on his fingers, “Step 1: Calm your fucking tits,dude. Step 2: Gather your thoughts. Speak your mind. Tell him he's an asshole. Step 3: Have make-up sex. Step 4: Be happy forever."

_Okay, so, calm down, tell Michael how I feel and tell him to get over it, have make-up sex, and then be happy. Simple eno- Wait…_

"Wait...I'm not doing step 3!"

The stranger put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder. "Sure you’re not.“ He laughed as he took a step back, "I'm gonna go find another bathroom to do my business in, but take me up on the advice, for real." He turns to leave.

"Wait!" He paused, "Th-thanks..." That would have to suffice. Jeremy had no clue why something was missing, but if he couldn't figure it out, he'd just have to settle with a 'thank you'. So he did.

"I'll take one BBQ pizza to the room 178 as a thank you! Oh, and remember to use protection!" He said with a wink as he left the bathroom. Jeremy could feel his face burn up.

_No, no, no. Just no..._

Jeremy stood in the corner of the bathroom, trying to breathe. Despite the stranger calming him down, he was still shaking. He pulled out his phone and looked at the time, before realizing he was gonna be late for class.

In Comp 1, the kid who Jeremy leant a pencil to, sat right next to him. Noticing Jeremy, the guy smiled and gave a little wave. At first, Jeremy hadn't seen the kid, but when he looked up, he thought it'd be rude if he didn't wave back. So he did, but it was very weak. He was still too shaken. The kid put his hand down, slight confusion in his eyes. He didn't try to didn't try to make any small talk (thank god) until class ended.

"Hey, wait up!" A voice called. Turning around, slowly and confused, Jeremy wondered if he was even calling him. The guy from earlier walked up to him, "Hey, uh...sorry if I'm bothering you or anything, but you just seemed upset about something. Is everything okay?"

Was he that obvious?

"O-Oh! Uh, Yeah! Yeah everything's okay I swear!" Was he trying too hard. Probably...

The guy looked at him for a long moment before speaking again, “Look, I know what someone looks like when they're lying," Yeah, he was too obvious, "I'm not going to push if you don't want to talk about it, I don't even know your name, but if you wanna talk... I'm here."

Jeremy froze. Should he talk? Or...not? Would this person be just another phase who he tried to hold onto but lost in the end? Who knows. Might as well, tell the truth.

He sighed and muttered under his breath, "This will be the second person I've poured my heart out to today..." He knew he was being dramatic, but who cares.

"It's my friend. He's just...distant okay? And it seems like he hates me and all I'm doing is pushing him away!"

The guy nodded sympathetically, but Jeremy couldn't help but feel bitter.

_I don't need your sympathy..._

"I can definitely relate. I have a friend who used to push me away for years, but it seems like we're finally coming back together. If you want some advice, let your friend know that you care, and admit things that you've done wrong, but also call out things that they've done wrong. If he cares as much as you do about the friendship, it'll make a difference." Jeremy mentally sighed. He couldn't be mad at this kid who dealt with the same thing.

"Yeah, thanks."

The guy nodded and then let out a little laugh, "Well, I'm Evan by the way. I guess it might be weird to hear advice from a complete stranger." That's basically the opposite of what the other said.

"Yeah. Also, Jeremy. That's uh...my name obviously." He laughed nervously.

_God, Jeremy! Do you have to be so awkward!?_

Evan didn't seem to mind though, "Well, good luck with your friend Jeremy, and either way, I'm here if you need a friend. If you want to...hang out sometime, that is." Evan smiled. Jeremy returned the smile and nodded.

"Honestly, another friend would be great. See ya around!" _It would be great. Really._

"Yeah, see ya!" With that, the boys separated.

_Evan, huh? Another friend really would be great..._

A little while later, Jeremy was walking through the halls to his next class, until he saw a familiar face. He froze before taking a deep breath and walking up to him, "H-Hey.."

Michael turned around, surprised and, upon seeing Jeremy stopped and shifted his feet nervously, "Um, hey..."

Not knowing what to say, Jeremy looked down and was beginning to slink back, slightly, "I uh..."

Before Jeremy had to say anything else, Michael spoke up, “Look Jeremy, I'm sorry for acting so weird and distant lately." he spoke carefully.

"And I'm sorry I snapped...Look, I know you want other friends. I get it. And...you deserve it, okay?" He just wanted this damn fight to be over!

"Well, I snapped too, and you felt like I was pulling away from you, and I kind of was. There's just...I'm trying to make college different than high school, and them a bunch of stuff happened and...Sorry, it’s just hard to explain." He sighed, shakily.

"No, it's...it's okay. Reach. I just...I'm sorry, okay? Really."

"Me too. So...are we good?"

_Please..._

Jeremy laughed nervously, "If you wanna be.."

Michael laughed, sounding deeply relieved, "Trust me, I do."

Before either could do anything, Jeremy quickly enveloped the other in a hug. It felt like forever since they did that, "Thanks.."

The two embraced for a few moments, Michael closing his eyes, relaxing. Suddenly, a voice was heard from behind them. 

"Hey Michael, you cheating on me?"

_Wait, what...?_

Michael tensed up so much, it could better be described as a flinch. He pulled away and looked at the guy who looked old enough to be a senior.

"Um...who's this?" Jeremy asked, still longing for the hug.

"H-h-h," Michael cleared his throat, "Hey Andy..."

Andy laughed, “I’m one of Michael’s buddies. Sorry to interrupt. I just couldn’t pass up the chance to mess with him.”

_Mess with him?_

Michael took a step back, “Oh, no problem, I was just leaving. See ya Jeremy!” He turned around and walked away.

Jeremy realized something was definitely wrong by the way Michael was so...so...scared. But he didn't want to ask about it until later that night, when they’d be alone. Probably.

"Oh uh...Yeah, See ya!"

“Well, it was nice to meet you... Jeremy.” Andy said, not moving, letting Jeremy know that he wanted Jeremy to leave.

"Yeah...you too.." He hurried off but the moment he turned the corner, he stopped and looked back.

_Now, what the Hell’s going on here?_ Jeremy thought.

From the corner, Jeremy noticed Andy storm over to Michael, who was still walking away, grabbed his shoulder, and turned him around so violently, it could’ve given him whiplash. Andy was then holding his shoulders and saying something to him. Michael had a look of not surprise, not even fear, but complete and utter terror.

_He's scared. Michael's scared!_

He covered his mouth, scared for his friend. After a minute, Andy roughly let go of him, and walked away. Michael stumbled back, and when he recovered, he ran off to his class.

Jeremy had wanted to go after him, to find out what was wrong. But, he knew he couldn't. And it pained him. So much. He had finally made up with him, and now, he can't even help him. Sighing, Jeremy turned and headed off to his next class, Chemistry.

Entering the classroom, he noticed Max and Kylee there, talking. Kylee, upon noticing his arrival, called him over.

"Jeremy! I didn't know you took chemistry." She said.

"I didn't know you guys did either." Jeremy muttered. He tried not to let his stress show, but he did a terrible job at that.

Kylee noticed and frowned, "What's wrong?" She asked. Max nodded, as if also asking.

Jeremy threw his hands up, in front of him, "Nothing!" Then in an attempt to change the subject he asked, "What's wrong with you, Max?” trying not to flinch at how accusatory he sounded. Max put her hands up and moved them in an odd movement. Then it hit him. She was signing.

"She says 'I'm losing my voice.'" Kylee translated.

"You can read sign language?" Jeremy asked.

"Yeah. My brother's mute." 

Jeremy nodded and prayed silently that they wouldn't ask him any more questions until Max signed again.

"Now, tell us what's wrong.'" Kylee translated once more. He had to stall.

"Well, I uh...I mean nothing's...um..it's oka-" Jeremy was cut off by the Professor clearing his throat and beginning to speak.

_Thank the Heavens._

Later that night, after giving up on the homework, Jeremy was sitting on the edge of his bed, on his phone. He knew he looked kind of bored. He was. Next thing he knew, Michael opened the door and walked into the room. The tension in the room was definitely there but it wasn’t as bad. Jeremy couldn't help but slightly smile.

When Michael noticed Jeremy, he grinned, "You'll never guess what I found on campus." He paused for effect, "A gaming club!" Jeremy's eyes lit up.

He jumped up, dropping his phone on the floor, "Wait, really?"

"Yeah! They meet every Wednesday. I just went to check it out, and its great! Next week you'll have to come with me!" Michael was so happy.

"Yeah, I will!" Jeremy agreed. Maybe the two could bond over games out of their room.

_But, what if Michael finds others there who are better than me, and just...leaves?_

Jeremy shook his head. If Michael was happy, Jeremy would be too.

Michael smiled and sat down at his desk with his laptop.

Jeremy picked up his phone and sat on his bed before looking up and asking the question that was burning in his mind, "Michael, I have a question...And please, don't avoid it.”

Michael looked over at Jeremy, "Okay..."

"Andy's not your friend...isn't he?"

Michael inhaled sharply, and he looks away. Jeremy mentally pumped his fist. But he let the guilt in causing his friend to start to break flow over him.

"No..." Michael whispered.

"Who is he?" Jeremy needed to know.

Michael shrugged, "A senior. He and Seth went to the lake jump on Monday. They uh... tried to get me to try hard core drugs. I don’t know what exactly, but we were already smoking weed, so..."

Jeremy let his voice get more serious, "You're afraid of him, Michael."

Michael looked like he was about to deny it, but then sighed wearily. "Yeah, that's a long story.” 

One that Jeremy needed to hear. "And we have all night. Please." he begged.

"But... okay..." Michael moved from his desk and sat on his bed. “So, it kind of stated with the drug stuff. I told them no, and was… kind of being a smart ass about it. They got angry, and Seth... well he kind of... pushed me into the lake."

Jeremy stopped a second, trying to think of why this sounded familiar, until he froze, eyes widening, "That's...That's why you..." He jumped up, almost tripping, before yelling, "THEY TRIED TO KILL YOU!" _Of course! That’s why his story sounded kinda...off._

Michael's eyes widened."No! At least," he paused. "I don't think he did it on purpose. He was kind of grabbing onto me, and when he let go, I fell off the dock."

Jeremy stared at him, worry filling his eyes, “That's still...Michael..." thousands of 'what if's swarmed his head.

_What if Michael had died?_

_What if no one had been there to save him?_

_What if no one ever knew what happened?_

_What if-_

"I know, but I was fine in the end. And I thought that was end of it.” Michael said.

"Why'd you keep this from me?"

"Because... I don't know, I didn't want you involved in that stuff? And I didn't want you knowing how quickly I managed to screw things up. Not even a week and I made two enemies."

Jeremy froze for a second before sitting down, right next to Michael, "It's okay..." He muttered, although no one else was in the room.

Michael shook his head, "And that's not even all of it." he said shakily.

Jeremy looked at him, sadly, "What'd Andy say to you today?"

"Well, apparently Peter's been getting suspicious about them, and so he thought I said something to him about it."

"...Are you...not allowed to tell us?"

Before he even got his answer, he found one small problem. Andy saw the two talking. He'll know for sure that Michael told him.

"Yeah, I mean, I guess their drug business would suffer if word got around that they tried to drown a freshman."

"...I don't want them to hurt you... But I don't want this to stay quiet..."

"I don't think we should tell anybody. At least, not yet." He lowered his voice, despite no one else being there to listen. "I mean, from what I've gathered, this school wide business has been going on longer than those guys have been here, and I doubt I'm the first person to find out and not be cool with it."

_How long has this been going on? Who else knows but is too afraid to say so!?_

Jeremy looked away and sighed, "So, you think that others are dealing with their shit as well?"

"Maybe..." _Most likely._

"...I don't know what else to say...I'm just...glad you're okay, really.” Jeremy leaned over and hugged his friend again, for the second time that day. He wanted this one to last longer, so he pushed himself closer, ignoring the odd feeling in his stomach.

Michael leaned into the embrace, "Thank you Jeremy, I'm sorry I’ve been so horrible to you lately."

"It's okay."

"It's not though. I hurt you. I met some guy who told me that you were freaking out earlier today... because of me."

_…Shit. That fucking little-_

Jeremy froze and backed away quickly, laughing nervously, "That must have been someone else.." Immediately, he missed the comfort of Michael and found himself once again, longing for the hug.

Michael shook his head, "Come on Jeremy. Don't lie."

_Oh, how the tables have turned._

Jeremy sighed, giving it up, "Fine...It was me."

Michael sighed, "I can't believe I did that to you..."

"It's okay! Really! I was just being stupid." He laughed. _People say to laugh at yourself. It helps the pain when others do it._ And Jeremy does just that.

Michael shook his head and put a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, "It's not stupid Jere. I hurt you. I left you. That wasn't okay." Then, the dreaded SQUIP came to mind.

He looked away before muttering, "I deserve it really. I did it to you too."

_I don't even deserve forgiveness for that._

"That's different. You left me because I was a loser. I left you because I didn't want you finding stuff out."

Jeremy turned to look at him, slightly glaring, "Which one sounds better.."

Michael shrugged, "I don't know..."

Jeremy just sighed, "But still, really it's okay."

Michael looked like he was about to protest, but then he sighed, "Okay, at least we're good now." he laughed "This friendship thing seemed to get a harder pretty quickly. Nothing for seven years, and then..."

"Yeah...I just wish it was back to normal..." He wanted to be friends. He couldn't lose the only person he trusts.

Michael opened his mouth like he's going to say something, but then closes it. Then he shrugs. "Well, at least we know we can make it through stuff like this, right?"

"Yeah. At least we know that..."

Michael nods to himself, and then looks up at Jeremy hopefully, “So... you wanna finish that level now?"

_I've been waiting, Michael._

Jeremy nodded in response, “Yeah."

Jeremy and Michael settled in to play a game together. Despite everything that had happened, and everything that could happen, right here, right now they just enjoyed this moment of closeness as long as it would last.


	16. Michael Mell: Tremors

“…Michael?” 

 

A voice stirred Michael out of an uncomfortable slumber. He opened his eyes and found himself laying on a couch in the lounge. _Oh… I must’ve fallen asleep._ Michael thought.

 

He looked up to see Peter peering down at him. “Hey, you okay? Why are you sleeping in the lounge?” he asked. 

 

Michael stretched and sat up. “I got kicked out of my room.” 

 

Peter’s eyes widened. “Seriously?” 

 

“Well, not exactly…” admitted Michael. “Me and my friend/roommate had a fight and I left. I went to the lounge and… I guess I just fell asleep.” 

 

Peter nodded sympathetically and sat down next to him. “That sucks.”

 

“You’re telling me!” cried Michael. “I don’t know what to do!” 

 

Peter looked thoughtful. “Well, you could switch rooms and get a new roommate.” He paused. “Or you can talk to him and try to make up with him.” 

 

Michael sighed. “I don’t know if can face him again… but leaving him completely? I don’t know which one would be worse.”

 

“Well, that’s something you’ll have to figure out man.” Peter said, and paused before asking, “By the way, is everything okay with you? I mean, after that fall into the lake the other night…”

 

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Scarred for life maybe, but fine.” 

 

Peter looked like he was was about to ask something else, before apparently changing his mind. “Well anyway, we have speech in half an hour, so I’ll leave you to get ready.” He gave a casual wave as he left the lounge. 

 

Michael got up from the couch and walked to his room, feeling nervous. Thankfully though, Jeremy wasn’t there. Michael got dressed, and after a quick stop at the cafeteria, he went to his public speaking class. 

 

It was more of the same stuff from Monday. Further discussions about the introductory speeches, and watching a few speeches online and pointing out positive and negative qualities about them. Peter would lean over to Michael, since they say next to each other, and make funny comments about each speaker’s quirks, twitches, and clothing choice. 

 

Michael had to stifle a laugh every time, and just hoped that 1. Peter wouldn’t do that when the speakers were actually doing speeches in front of them, and 2. Michael could keep his own quirks and twitches under control, or Peter would surely notice them. 

 

After speech, Michael was walking to his next class when he heard a familiar, “H-hey…” 

 

He turned around, and was face to face with Jeremy. Michael looked down at his feet, shifting them nervously. “Um, hey…” 

 

After a moment, he heard Jeremy say quietly, “I uh…” 

 

_This was ridiculous. They couldn’t be like this forever. I just have to stop being such a coward and admit that I screwed up. Jeremy did it just fine after the SQUIP, so this shouldn’t be so difficult! I just have to swallow my ego and-_

 

“Look Jeremy, I’m sorry for acting so weird and distant lately.” Michael got out. He was so nervous. Jeremy could take his his apology, or leave it… and him. 

 

To Michael’s surprise, Jeremy responded with, “And I’m sorry I snapped…Look, I know you want other friends. I get it. And…you deserve it, okay?” 

 

_Now that’s where you’re wrong Jeremy…_ Michael thought. He molded his personality to fit different people in order to make friends. That was basically manipulating them! It was no better than what the SQUIP tried to do to Jeremy, except Michael had much more pathetic reasons. Reasons that he still couldn’t think about or admit even to himself. 

 

“Well, I snapped too.” Michael said, deciding not to voice any of his thoughts. “And you felt like I was pulling away from you, and I kind of was. There’s just…” 

 

He stopped. Michael knew he couldn’t explain the things that have gone on since college began, or his issues that were present already, but maybe he could open up a little… “I’m trying to make college different than high school, and then a bunch of stuff happened and… Sorry, it’s just hard to explain.” he sighed shakily, not wanting to explain further, for fear of opening emotions and feeling he had locked away. 

 

To his relief, Jeremy just said, “No, it’s…it’s okay. I just…I’m sorry okay? Really.” 

 

“Me too.” Michael said. “So…are we good? he asked hopefully. 

 

Jeremy laughed nervously, “If you wanna be…”

 

_More than anything…_ Michael thought, and he laughed. “Trust me, I do.” 

 

Then, Jeremy closed the distance between them and gave Michael a hug. He relished in the affection, almost like he had been starving for it. He barely heard Jeremy’s mumbled, “Thanks.” 

 

They continued to embrace, and Michael felt like everything was going to be okay after all. That is, until he heard a voice that sent chills down his spine.

 

“Hey Michael, you cheating on me?” It was Andy. 

 

Michael flinched away from Jeremy and his eyes met the senior, determined not to show him how terrified he was. _Oh god… he knows I know Jeremy. Will he get dragged into this? What does Andy want? What if he tried something again?_

 

“Um…who’s this?” asked Jeremy.

 

Michael was still floundering in his panic, but he swallowed it long enough to stutter out with, “H-h-h… Hey Andy…” _Wow, way to keep your cool Michael…_

 

Andy laughed, which gave Michael another chill. “I’m one of Michael’s buddies.” he said. “Sorry to interrupt. I just couldn’t pass up the chance to mess with him.” 

 

Michael backed away, afraid of what double meaning Andy could be expressing. “Oh, no problem, I was just leaving. See ya Jeremy!” He turned around and walked away. 

 

Now normally, Michael never dream of leaving Jeremy with a guy like that, but they were in public, and there was no way he would hurt Jeremy in broad daylight. Michael just wanted to get away from Andy before he got too freaked out to hide it. 

 

Suddenly, Michael felt a hand on his shoulder. Before he had time to gasp in surprise, he was whipped around harshly and Andy stood right in his face. Michael’s eyes widened in terror. Andy leaned in close and whispered harshly, “Your buddy Peter’s been asking questions about that night at the lake. What did you say to him?!” 

 

“N-n-n-nothing! I swear!” Michael said, nearly in tears. 

 

“You better not have!” Andy growled. “Like we said, we’re not going let a worthless freshman ruin a business that’s been around here for years. We’ll be keeping an eye on you, and if we think that you _do_ pose a threat?” he stopped, and the silence spoke for itself. 

 

Andy pushed Michael away harshly, just like Seth had done at the lake. Michael stumbled, but managed to catch himself before he fell over. Not waiting around to see if Andy wanted something more, he took off. 

 

Thankfully, an entire class time of holding back tears settled his nerves enough to function by the time the class ended. Michael went to the cafeteria and ate lunch with Peter and Evan. He wasn’t very hungry though, and instead of chatting with either of them, Michael just glanced nervously around the cafeteria, wondering if Andy or Seth would come in and threaten him. 

 

_Okay, so my nerves are settled enough to function… somewhat._

 

Michael’s concentration of his surroundings was broken by Evan asking, “So, where’s Ollie?” 

 

Michael looked up and just caught notice that Peter had been staring at him, before he turned to Evan and answered, “He has a class during lunch on Wednesdays.” 

 

Michael decided to engage in the conversation to offset Peter’s apparent suspicion of him. “Man, that sucks. I’d hate to miss lunch for a class.” he said. 

 

Peter shrugged. “He said he doesn’t mind it. But I’m still gonna sneak some food out when I leave so he can eat something after class.” 

 

That made Michael smile, and it did put him in a better mood. That didn’t fix the strange tension he had finally noticed between him and Peter, and it continued through the rest of lunch. 

 

After lunch, Michael was left with this weird lack of nervousness from the Andy situation, but tension with Peter. He wanted to do something to fix the in imbalance. It was then that some type of miracle happened. Michael saw a flyer for a gaming club. It was as if angles had heard his plea and sent a heaven on earth. What’s more, it was happing that day! He looked at the location and ran to the club building as fast as he could. He soon came to the right door, walked in, and looked around. 

 

There were two televisions and a laptop in the room, with a few people gathered around each of them. He stood there looking at the games being played, and walked up to the couch in front of the big TV, where four people were playing Mario Kart. He started to watch them. 

 

Another guy soon joined Michael in watching the game. “These people suck at this game, wow.”

 

Michael chuckles. “Yeah, it's almost funny.”

 

The guy scoffed “More like pathetic. I could beat these losers with one hand.”

 

Michael looked at the guy for a moment. He looked a bit older than Michael, had glasses, and wore a dark blue shirt and read short sleeved “sweater”. He never understood the point of wearing those things. At the same time, Michael took note of the guy’s personality. Cynical, he decided, with humor that would’ve bordered on bullying… If he was at all intimidating. 

 

“Well, maybe when they're finished embarrassing themselves, we can show them how it's done.” Michael said, replicating the demeanor with ease. 

 

He looked over at Michael with a genuine smile. “You’re on.” 

 

The race soon finished, and three of the guys leave, giving Michael and the other guy an opportunity to jump in. Michael recognized the remaining player as Caden, who he had met on the first day of orientation. Before he could say anything, the other guy walked to the front of the couch.

 

“Hey, you playing another game?” he asked.

 

Caden nodded and gestured to the free controllers. “Feel free to jump in.”

 

He grinned and grabbed one of the free controllers and handed other one to Michael. “Loser owes the other one a pizza” he said.

 

Michael nodded and grabbed the other controller. “You’re on.” He realized that Caden didn’t remember him. A little disappointing, but he would certainly remember him after this. 

 

Right before they began, a girl they hadn't noticed grabbed the last controller. Michael “Room for one more?” she asked. 

 

The other guy, who Michael finally decided to call Mr. Cynical, barely looked up. “If you want to get your ass kicked, then yes.” 

 

They all chose their characters and vehicles before playing. Michael chose Koopa Troopa, Mr. Cynical chose Luigi, Caden chose Baby Mario, and the girl chose Peach.

 

They decided each of them would choose one map, as the game had 4 rounds, and Michael got to pick first. He chose Ghost Valley. “Now my skills won’t be the only thing haunting you in your sleep.” he said. 

 

Mr. Cynical grinned at that. “Title of your sex tape.” he muttered. 

 

Michael stifled a laugh. “Hey, there’s a lady present!” 

 

Speaking of which, she grinned. “I’d watch it.”

 

Michael didn’t hold back laughter at that, but he soon became concentrated as they began to play. Mr. Cynical was in first for most of the race, but then Michael got ahead and sent a banana peel in front of him as he was about to cross the finish line and by the time he recovered, he was in fourth place. The girl came in second. Michael could see the fury on Mr. Cynical’s face. 

 

“You got lucky.” he said, seething. 

 

He was the next one to pick the map, and chose Rainbow Road. 

 

“That’s pretty gay.” Michael said without thinking. Then he realized he wasn’t with Jeremy. Would that type of humor fly here? 

 

To his relief, Kathy laughed, but Mr. Cynical responded with, “That’s because I’m pretty gay.”

 

Michael was surprised that he was so open about it here. The environment wasn’t homophobic per say, but the Identity and Vocation class made the college’s overall stance clear. 

 

The next few minutes are filled with groans, screams and frustration. Mr. Cynical won Rainbow Road, with Caden winning second, Michael third, and the girl in 7th. Caden chose Moo Moo Meadows as the next map, to which all of them reacted with a laugh, and beat him at his own game, the girl coming in first this time, Michael second, and Mr. Cynical third. The scores were pretty tight, and the last map was to determine the winner. The girl hesitated a bit before choosing Bowser's castle. Mr. Cynical rolled his eyes at the pick.

 

“Don’t think I didn’t see that.” said the girl

 

Mr. Cynical growled back, “Glad you did.”

 

Michael started to wonder if he had some sort of beef with this girl, but then realized that he didn’t act much better towards anyone else so far. 

 

They started to play the last race. All four of them as focused as ever, they made their way through the map. The game was intense, all of them being good players. As they were about to start their third and final lap, Mr. Cynical was in second, with Michael in first. He only had to hold his lead for one more lap…

 

They raced near each other, bumping into the other, getting no good power-ups to help them. They could almost see the finish line when they both suddenly got knocked out by a Bullet Bill. The bullet turned back into a kart right before the finish line, and Michael was shocked. It was the girl.

 

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Mr. Cynical screamed out, coming in third.

 

“I didn’t see that coming.” remarked Michael. 

 

“Neither did he.” she responded, smirking playfully at Mr. Cynical. 

 

Michael laughed. “You can say that again. Nice job.”

 

“WHatever!” Mr. Cynical said angrily. “She got lucky, she chose Peach for crying out loud, no wonder she was last. She never would've gotten that power-up if she was good at this game in the first place.”

 

The girl just shrugged. “It’s Mario Kart, it’s how the game goes. Thanks in advance for the pizza. I like ham and pineapple.” she winked. 

 

Mr. Cynical rolled his eyes “Of course you do.”

 

She laughed, and stood up. “Thanks for the challenge boys.” She said, and walked over to another group to play a different game.

Mr. Cynical’s eyes continued to follow her as she left. “End me.” he said

 

Michael shook his head. “Man, she put us in our place, that’s for sure.”

 

He scoffed in response “We'll crush her so hard next time she'll cry.” Then he turned to Michael. “I’m jared by the way.”

 

“I’m Michael.” he said, returning the smile 

 

“Well, Michael, it has been a real joy meeting you, but I think I'll go accept my defeat elsewhere. Guess I'll see you around?” said Jared 

 

“Yep, see ya.” responded Michael. _Well, looks like today wasn’t all pain and misery after all. Playing Mario Kart with them was actually fun, and it really lifted his spirits._

 

Then Jared turned to Michael before leaving and said, “By the way, I saw some guy freaking out in the bathroom earlier and he mentioned something about a Michael. Now, you're obviously not the only Michael at this school, but if I were you, I'd check with your buddies. You may be breaking someone's heart. See ya!” and with that, he was gone. 

 

_So much for an improved mood…_ Michael thought. _Jeremy was freaking out? In a bathroom?? Because of me???_ Jeremy’s anxiety had always been something he dealt with, but never before had Michael been the cause of it. 

 

He got back to the room in record time and threw his stuff next to his bed. Jeremy was sitting on his bed, on his his phone. Jeremy was fine now of course. Michael supposed that the best he could do was keep it that way. 

 

“You’ll never guess what I found on campus.” Michael said, and paused for effect. “A gaming club!” 

 

To his delight, Jeremy’s eyes lit up, and even funnier, he jumped up, his phone dropping on the floor, forgotten in the excitement. “Wait, really?” 

 

“Yeah! They meet every Wednesday.” said Michael. “I just went to check it out, and it’s great! Next week, you’ll have to come with me!” 

 

“Yeah, I will!” agreed Jeremy. 

 

Michael smiled at Jeremy’s happiness and excitement, before sitting down at his desk with his laptop. After a few peaceful minutes of silence, Jeremy said “Michael, I have a question…and please, don’t avoid it.” 

 

Michael looked over at Jeremy, worried. There were so many possible things Jeremy could ask, and it made him nervous. Despite that, he answered, “Okay…” 

 

Jeremy took a deep breath, before saying, “Andy’s not your friend…is he?” 

 

Michael inhaled sharply and looked away. _Shit… Jeremy must’ve seen his interaction with Andy, and now the cat was out of the bag. There’s no way I’m lying to him again after just making up with him._ Finally, he whispered, “No…”

 

“Who is he?” Jeremy asked, sounding desperate for answers. 

 

Michael shrugged, trying to downplay the situation as much as possible, but knew that once he got out with it, Jeremy would freak. “A senior. He and Seth went to the lake jump on Monday. They uh… tried to get me to try hard core drugs. I don’t know what exactly, but we were already smoking weed, so…”

 

“You’re afraid of him, Michael.” Jeremy said seriously. 

 

“Yeah, that’s a long story.” Michael said wearily. This was one last attempt to avoid having to explain what happened, but Jeremy didn’t fall for it. 

 

“And we have all night. Please.” Jeremy begged. 

 

“But… okay…” Michael said, knowing there was no way out of this. He moved from his desk and sat on his bed. “So, it kind of stated with the drug stuff. I told them no, and was… kind of being a smart ass about it. They got angry, and Seth... well he kind of... pushed me into the lake.” When he finished, Michael waited for Jeremy to make the connection as to what really happened that night. When he did, Jeremy’s eyes widened. 

 

“That’s… That’s why you…” he began, connecting the dots. Suddenly, it clicked, and Jeremy jumped to his feet. “THEY TRIED TO KILL YOU!” 

 

Michael’s eyes widened too. “No! At least… I don’t think he did it on purpose. He was kind of grabbing onto me, and when he let go, I fell off the dock.” _Of course, then they both just left, and if Peter hadn’t seen him, who knows what would’ve happened?_

 

“That’s still…Michael…” Jeremy said, and the worry in his eyes was so intense that Michael was worried he might cry. Both of them. 

 

He tried to ease Jeremy’s mind. “I know, but I was fine in the end. And I thought that was the end of it.” Oh how wrong he had been. 

 

Jeremy looked slightly betrayed. “Why’d you keep this from me?”

 

Michael sighed, feeling guilty and embarrassed. “Because... I don't know, I didn't want you involved in that stuff? And I didn't want you knowing how quickly I managed to screw things up. Not even a week and I made two enemies.”

 

Jeremy paused for a moment before sitting down right next to Michael. “It’s okay.” he muttered. 

 

That simple reassurance made Michael want to break. “And that’s not even all of it.” he said shakily. _Far from it. I feel the urge to confess every secret that I’m keeping from Jeremy._

 

“What’d Andy say to you today?” Jeremy asked with sadness in his voice, clearly upset that Michael was going through this. 

 

“Well, apparently Peter’s been getting suspicious about them, and so he thought I said something to him about it.” Michael explained. _Speaking of Peter, what made him get suspicious? Could he have seen Seth and Andy with me before they left that night?_

 

“…Are you…not allowed to tell us?” Jeremy asked, sounding even more concerned. 

 

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I guess their drug business would suffer if word got around that they tried to drown a freshman.” 

 

Jeremy looked thoughtful. “…I don’t want them to hurt you… But I don’t want this to stay quiet…” 

 

_There it was…_ Michael thought. _Jeremy wants to tell somebody._ This was where things got complicated, because he realized that there was no way he was the first person to reject an offer from this business. Seth and Andy have kept everything under wraps for who knows how long, and apparently people were doing it before they became apart of it. So the question was, what have they done in the past to people who posed a threat to them? 

 

_Surely the college would’ve noticed if students got hurt or went missing though, right?_

“I don't think we should tell anybody. At least, not yet.” Michael finally said, before lowering his voice, despite no one else being there to listen. “I mean, from what I've gathered, this school wide business has been going on longer than those guys have been here, and I doubt I'm the first person to find out and not be cool with it.” 

 

Jeremy looked away and sighed. “So, you think that others are dealing with their shit as well?”

 

“Maybe…” _Most definitely_

 

“…I don’t know what else to say…I’m just…glad you’re okay, really.” Jeremy said softly, and before Michael knew it, he was being held in Jeremy’s arms for the second time that day, not that he was complaining. 

 

What’s more, Jeremy leaned in closer to Michael than he had ever done before. Michael, in return, leaned into the embrace with tears forming in his eyes. “Thank you Jeremy, I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible to you lately.” 

 

“It’s okay.” Jeremy said. 

 

_No, it’s not!_ “It’s not though.” Michael insisted. “I hurt you. I met some guy who told me that you were freaking out earlier today… because of me.” 

 

Suddenly, Jeremy was no longer hugging him. He laughed nervously. “That must have been someone else..”

 

Michael could just let this go… He could pretend to believe Jeremy, and they wouldn’t have to speak about this again, but Michael knew that he had to face his actions. 

 

“Come on Jeremy. Don’t lie.”

 

After a moment, Jeremy gave in. “Fine…It was me.” 

 

Michael sighed. “I can’t believe I did that to you…” 

 

“It's okay! Really! I was just being stupid.” Jeremy said with a laugh. 

 

_No, that’s not true!_ Michael put a hand of Jeremy’s shoulder. "It's not stupid Jere. I hurt you. I left you. That wasn't okay.”

 

Jeremy looked away, muttering, “I deserve it really. I did it to you too.”

 

Michael stiffened. Jeremy was wrong. He didn’t deserve to be treated like that. “That’s different!” he said. “You left me because I was a loser. I left you because I didn’t want you finding stuff out.” 

 

Jeremy glared at him. “Which one sounds better?” 

 

Inwardly, one seemed far more justifiable than the other, but he couldn’t say that. Jeremy would never let it go, so he just shrugged. “I don’t know…”

 

Jeremy sighed. “But still, really, it’s okay.”

 

Michael still felt bad, but decided to drop it. “Okay, at least we’re good now.” he laughed. “This friendship thing seemed to get a lot harder pretty quickly. Nothing for seven years, and then…”

 

“Yeah…I just wish it was back to normal…” Jeremy said. 

 

_What was normal for them? Completely reliant on each other? Having one person be your entire world without the slightest worry of the other not feeling the same? That’s how it had been in the past, and that very mentality almost resulted in-_

 

_STOP thinking about that_

 

“Well, at least we know we can make it through stuff like this, right?” Michael said. 

 

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. At least we know that…” 

 

Michael nodded, and then looked up at Jeremy hopefully. “So… you wanna finish that level now?”

 

Jeremy smiled. “Yeah.” 

 

They settled in to play a game together. Michael still hadn’t told Jeremy everything. Andy making a move on him, his issues from the SQUIP incident, his true feelings about Jeremy… He didn’t know if he would ever spill every single secret. He didn't know what they would do about Seth, Andy, and their drug business, or if the whole thing would fade away, or get much _much_ worse.  But right now, he and Jeremy were close again, and Michael wanted to enjoy it as long as it would last.


	17. Calm Before the Storm

Evan Hansen 

The rest of the school week seemed to go by pretty quickly. Evan was starting to get used to his classes and their schedules. He knew by then that the most difficult class would be Biology and math. Thankfully, he had Jared to help him with math, and Biology was only difficult because it was so in depth and time consuming to learn about. Thankfully, Evan enjoyed the subject a lot, so staying on top of the reading and studying wouldn’t be too hard. 

When Evan wasn’t rushing around to and from his room, class, and the cafeteria, he was chatting with his friends. Again and again, Evan was struck with a sense of wonder at how good it felt to be walking around and having people stop and talk to him.

He noticed that he hadn’t seen Jared lately, and wondered if that awkward dinner with Jared’s friends had caused Jared to want to take a break from Evan for awhile. If that was the case, Evan hoped it wouldn’t be for too long, especially since he was to help Evan with math on Monday.

When Evan got back to his room on Friday after school, Vince was putting some clothes into a small suitcase. “Hey Vince! uh… whatcha doing?” he asked awkwardly. He was still a little nervous around Vince after their confrontation the other day.

Vince zipped up his suitcase and stood it up. “I’m going home for the weekend.” he said. Then he started walking out of the room, wheeling the suitcase along.

“Okay, well… have fun! I’ll see you on Monday.” Evan said.

Vince paused and looked at Evan for a moment, before nodding. “Yep, see ya.” And with that, he was gone.

Evan didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, he had been expecting to spend the weekend with Vince and get to know him better. That’s what he had expected to do with his roommate. On the other hand, however, Evan wasn’t too sure about Vince anymore. He wasn’t the same as he had been when they first met, and he wasn’t sure which side of Vince would be more prevalent.

But weather Evan was disappointed or relieved, he still had to figure out what he was doing for the weekend. He thought about texting Jared, but decided to give him some space, and he didn’t want to spend too much time with him so quickly after making up, in case Jared thought he was being clingy.

After some debating, he decided to text Peter, Ollie, and Kathy, and see if any of them wanted to hang out. He started a group text with them, something he NEVER would have done a few months ago.

**Ev: Hey guys! Just wanted to know if any of you wanted to hang out tomorrow.**

While he waited for a response, Evan started reading for Biology. He was just in the middle of a riveting section about prehistoric single celled organisms when he received two text on his phone.  
 ****

**Petey: sorry man, Ollie and I already have something going on. we’re free Sunday though. just hit us up!**

**Mathy Kathy: Hi Evan! Yeah, I’m totally free. We could go to the mall if you want. They have a coffee shop, bookstore, movie theater, and lots of other stores too.**   
****

Evan smiled as he responded.  
 ****

**Ev: That sounds great! You’re the one with the car out of the two of us, so you wanna meet outside the dorm at say… 10am?**

**Mathy Kathy: Yep, I’ll be there**   
****

Evan set his his phone on the desk and continued to read, but now his mind was filled with excitement at hanging out with a new college friend. A friends he had made all on his own, and initiated a meet up with, all on his own! It might seem silly to most to get excited about that, but for Evan, it was a first. Just another step in overcoming his anxiety for good.  
 ****

He continued to study until he grew tired and went to bed. The next day, Evan got up, ate breakfast, showed, brushed his teeth, and did his entire morning routine with a skip in his step and a smile. By 10am, Evan walked out of the building and spotted Kathy leaning against her car. She smiled and waved him over.

“Hey! You ready to go?” she asked.

Evan nodded, and they both got into the car and drove to the mall. Once they got there, the first place they went was the bookstore. Evan and Kathy spent the next hour looking at the books, Browsing the shelves and gushing at countless books, series, and authors.

After that, they walked around, going to different stores. They went to the gaming store, the pet store, the disney store. They both squealed at that last one, and stayed there long enough to recapture their childhood. They exited that store feeling rejuvenated, and hungry. Evan and Kathy made their way to the food court and got Subway. Once they had their sandwiches, they sat down at a table and began to eat.

“So… how’s school going for you so far?” asked Kathy.

Evan finished chewing and answered, “Pretty good so far. It seems like all of my classes will be pretty manageable.”

Kathy smiled. “That’s great!”

“How are your going?” Evan asked.

Kathy’s smile faded slightly, and she shrugged. “Fine I guess. Math and chemistry will be really hard, especially with both of them at the same time.” she sighed. “You’re so lucky. You get to do English as a minor while still doing the environmental science major! Nursing is so rigorous that I can’t have a minor.”

Evan nodded sympathetically. “Yeah. Nursing is really difficult. I know I could never do it. But you need a lot of passion for it to get through, and… I think you have that.”

Kathy blushed. “Yeah? You think so?”

When Evan nodded again, Kathy sighed, setting her sandwich down. “Thanks. I really appreciate you saying that, but… I don’t know if I’m that passionate… about Nursing.” She glanced at Evan nervously, as if she had just admitted a secret.

Evan gave her a long look, before saying, “Well… what are you passionate about?”

“What?” Kathy asked, surprised at his question for some reason. After a few moments of processing it, she got a longing look in her eyes. “Writing. I really love writing.”

Evan smiled. “So if Nursing doesn’t work out, you can always-”

“Wait, no!” Kathy interrupted. “I can’t just switch from Nursing to writing… or English, I guess. Do you know how hard it would be to make a living out of being an author?!”

“Okay, yeah.” Evan agreed. “It’s pretty difficult to make writing a stable career, but you can always switch to something that would allow you to have English as a minor.”

Kathy shook her head. “No, I was just… it was just some wishful thinking. I can’t actually switch my major. My parents have wanted me to be a Nurse for years! And I did too!”

Evan frowned. “But now?”

Kathy’s shoulders sagged, and she looked away from Evan. “I… I don’t know. I just don’t know if I’m feeling it. My parents say I’m just getting cold feet, and I need to stick with it. The passion will come eventually… right?” She looked surprised at herself that she had just asked Evan that.

Evan was surprised as well. He wasn’t usually the one people came to when looking for advice or validation, as far he knew. But, he couldn’t just not answer her, so he thought of her question, and took a deep breath, before answering. “Um… I think sometimes it takes awhile for passion to form, but usually, it’s pretty easy to tell if you don’t have a passion for something? Versus a neutral attitude about it, you know?” When Kathy didn’t answer, he continued. “I mean, I think it would be a bad idea to waste time at college doing something you don’t have a passion for, or waiting for the feelings to come, when you could be doing something you love?”

Kathy stared at him, not knowing how to respond. Finally, she looked down and mumbled, “Yeah, I guess…”

After that, things were a little awkward between them. They finished their food and continued looking around the mall, going to some different stores. Eventually, Evan suggested they go see a movie, Kathy said she was feeling tired. So, they decided to head back to the campus.

Evan spent the rest of the day wondering if he had said the right thing. He thought that they had been having a great time, and he hoped that even if what he said wasn’t helpful, that she had a great time too.

On Sunday, Evan took Peter and Ollie up on their offer to hang out. The three of them went bowling. Evan wasn’t too sure about the idea at first, but he quickly came to love bowling. They also had pizza, soda, and even met up with some other people from college. Even after several tournaments, they stayed all day, and Evan didn’t get back until it was late.

He stumbled into his room, exhausted after the busy and extremely fun day and weekend, and was practically asleep before his head hit the pillow.

* * *

 

Jared Kleinman 

The next few days went by in a flash. Jared mostly spent them alone, studying or procrastinating. The only person he talked to was Brody, since he shared a room with him, because Luke and Lottie were both very busy.

He hadn’t seen much of Evan. He caught a glimpse of him here and there but was always in a hurry or too far away to say hi. Evan seemed to be busy and very happy hanging out with his other friends, so Jared didn’t want to bother him. He also didn’t want to look desperate. 

Jared found himself being quite happy. His studies were giving him a sense of fulfillment, as his classes were even more fun than last year. Yes, it was still school, and he sometimes wanted to sleep instead of going to class, but he always found himself happy he went in the end. 

He loved his math professor and the way she explained everything in a quick but understandable fashion. He’d never had a problem with math, he’s always been one of the brightest people in class, but this professor made everything even easier, which was always a good thing. He’d often come to his room and search for some additional exercises to do because he enjoyed doing them so much. Whenever he’d complete a really hard one, he’d always share his excitement with Brody, who always gave him a disapproving look. Despite that, Jared could tell he was impressed.

His physics classes were just as great. The professor they had this year was the same one as last year, and while he’d loved physics already when choosing his major, this professor made the science so much more interesting. It was obvious he put a lot of effort into making his lectures entertaining, using a lot of examples from real life, showing videos of various experiments and other lecturers. 

Jared found it fascinating how everything surrounding him was connected to both physics and math. How the roof above his head had to be perfectly calculated to not collapse, how the gravity was keeping him from floating away, how the static friction kept his phone from shooting out of his hands…

He loved how there was an equation for everything, how there was an answer to every problem, how it gave him a sense of order in this chaotic world.

One thing he really didn’t expect to like so much, however, was his British literature class. He’d only ever read comics, thinking books were too nerdy for him. He also found his thoughts drifting away any time he’d try to read an actual book. 

The class changed his perspective completely. British literature was so interesting and had so many weird and unique books with a storyline that was almost too bizarre to be taught at school. He’d found himself spending more and more time at the library, reading books that he didn’t have to read but did because he wanted to. 

Any time he’d finish a book he’d google information about the author, about hidden meanings in the book, about his own questions that emerged while he was reading. He made sure to make notes of those into a notebook he purchased for that sole purpose.

He felt kind of lame with his new hobby and how much time and interest he had in it, but he couldn’t seem to stop. He made a mental note to thank Lottie for getting him into it. _She knows me better than I know myself_

Sunday came sooner than Jared expected. He woke up to an empty room, which was strange, as it was the weekend and Brody usually didn’t have very many plans. 

He spent the day the same exact way he spent the last 3 days. He’d started to get pretty bored but figured there was nothing he could do. 

He thought about texting Evan and seeing if he wanted to hang out but decided against it. He wanted to see if Evan missed him at all, if Evan would even remember Jared exists. And so, he spent most of the day alone.

As he was about to settle on his bed to watch the 1000 th YouTube video of the day, his phone buzzed.

_Evan!_ Jared got so excited Evan wanted to hang out, but then he looked at the phone, saw who the text was from, and his excitement went from a 100 to a 0. Well, that’s not fair. More like a 2.

**The Gay Agenda: We’re taking you out tonight  
The Gay Agenda: Me, Lottie and Brody  
The Gay Agenda: No excuses, meet us in front of the dorm at 7   
The Gay Agenda: And DON’T BE LATE!!**

Jared was about to protest but realized it was no use. His friends would probably drag him out of bed if they had to, so he figured going voluntarily would be the less painful option. 

He spent the rest of the day chilling on his bed enjoying the silence of the room. He thought it was weird how Brody was still nowhere to be found but enjoyed the solitude too much to really care.

Once 6:45 rolled around he figured he should probably get out of bed and get ready for the evening. He quickly changed into some dark blue jeans, a Call of Duty t-shirt and made his way to the front of the building. 

As he was walking to the front of the building, he saw Luke and Brody walking toward it, too. They were walking together from what looked like the coffeeshop, grinning at each other. Jared raised an eyebrow at the sight. 

“What have you two been up to?” Jared asked curiously. 

The boys turned their heads to Jared, clearly not acknowledging his presence before. They seemed a little startled. 

“We, uh…I mean I uh, I just met Brody walking towards the entrance and he told me this really funny thing that happened in his class today.” Luke answered, flustered. 

_Wow, you’re a terrible liar_

Brody put his hands in his pockets casually. “Yeah, this girl spilled all of her coffee on her laptop and ran out of the room crying. Hilarious, right?” 

_You may be a better liar than Luke is, Brody, but Luke would never laugh at something like that. He’d probably shed a tear for the poor girl_

Despite the obvious lie his two friends had just told him, he decided to let it go. 

Jared burst into laughter. “Oh my god that’s fucking amazing! I wish I could’ve seen that.”

“Yeah, you would’ve loved it.” Brody chuckled.

“He would’ve loved what?” Lottie asked from behind Jared. 

“We’ll tell you later. We should go now otherwise we’ll end up standing near the bar without a chair to sit on like idiots.” Luke said with a slight annoyance audible in his voice.

The group made their way to a pub near their school, found an empty table with exactly 4 chairs and sat down. They ordered some beer along with some potato chips (Luke and Lottie insisted on Salt & Vinegar which made Brody and Jared cringe, so they eventually settled on one bag of that and one bag of BBQ).

The group spent their night playing pool, darts and chatting about life. They hadn’t seen each other all week and it felt nice to catch up. 

Lottie couldn’t stop talking about the discover she’d made in her chemistry class earlier that day, Luke was excited about a project he had spent all week making and Brody…well, Brody was mostly quiet, as he usually was, but it was obvious he was having a good time and was interested in his friends’ lives. 

The evening had come to an end and they made their way to the dorm. The group said goodbye and went to their rooms. 

Jared collapsed onto his bed, slightly tipsy from the beers he’d drank and took out his phone. He started browsing through conspiracy theories, which was his favorite thing to do when tipsy, when Brody suddenly got up from his bed.

“Going somewhere?” Jared interrogated. 

Brody twitched. “Yeah, I uh…I need some fresh air, I think I’m gonna be sick.” 

“You could just open the window-” and with that, the door slammed, and Brody was gone. 

Maybe if Jared wasn’t tipsy, he’d pay more attention to Brody’s strange behavior, but all he wanted to do at the moment was read conspiracy theories and sleep, so he let it go. 

He woke up hours later to his room’s door opening. It was dark, so Jared didn’t see much, but he figured out the silhouette he was seeing was Brody. 

His roommate made his way around the room slowly, seemingly exhausted and collapsed onto his bed.

Jared wondered whether he should say something or not. He wasn’t tipsy anymore, just groggy from the lack of sleep, and decided to find out what was going on. 

“Where have you been? It’s 3 in the morning.” 

“What are you, my mother or something?” Brody growled back.

“Hey man, chill out, it was just a question.” 

A moment of silence passed.

“Were you with Luke?” 

Another moment of silence. 

“How do you know that?” 

Jared chuckled, “Well, you two came to the meet up today at the same time, clearly having hung out. It’s not like you were being very vague. And when I asked Luke what was going on in his love life today, you seemed quite uncomfortable as he described the cute guy in his sociology class.” 

Brody sighed. Yeah, we uh…have been hanging out.” 

“So? You don’t say that like it’s a good thing.“ 

“That’s because it isn’t. I can’t give Luke what he needs.” 

“Jesus fuck, does he have like a weird kink or something?” 

Brody let out a small laugh. “Not in that way. I’m still in the closet. No one knows I’m gay, so we wouldn’t be able to be affectionate in public. He told me he doesn’t mind, but I know the truth, he’s just too nice to say it. If he dated a closeted man, he’d basically be back in the closet too, and no one wants to go back in there.” 

Jared stopped to think for a while.

“Well…here’s a crazy idea…come out.”

Brody scoffed. “I can’t.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because I’m so much more than gay!” Brody screamed out. He sighed. “I just, I don’t want people to see that as my dominant personality trait, because it’s not. I don’t see it as a big deal, but most people would. I don’t want to be the gay guy. I just want to be the Brody guy. The guy with the long black hair, the emo guy, the majoring in political sciences guy, the manga-reading guy…”

Jared sighed. “Yeah, I get it. But look, you don’t have to be the gay guy. I’m the gay guy because I choose to be, but that’s not the only thing I am. I know plenty of gay people that don’t present their sexuality as the most interesting thing about them, and it works perfectly. And I think you’d be happier if you could say it out loud.” 

It took Brody a long while before he responded. “Yeah.”

And in that long while, Jared felt back asleep. Brody waited a while for a response, and when he didn’t get one, he looked at Jared. There was drool coming out of his mouth, so Brody rolled on his side and, with Jared’s words on his mind, drifted into sleep too.

* * *

Jeremy Heere

Waking up on Thursday and Friday was just as complicated as the previous mornings. Jeremy struggled to wake up on both days. However, only one of the days, did he actually wake up in time for his morning class. Friday morning, he looked over at the clock. 10:00am

_Wait, doesn't class start at 10? Oh shit..._

But instead of rushing to make it to class at all, he just groaned and turned towards the wall, before falling back asleep. He woke up an hour later, when he got a text from Christine.

**Dramaqueen: where are you!!!**

**Dramaqueen: srsly!**   
****

**Dramaqueen: should I just assume that you're dead?**   
****

**Dramaqueen: wait...Jeremy? Are you dead!?**   
****

**Dramaqueen: don't answer that.**   
****

Jeremy smiled looking at the texts. _Man, she really cared._ Then, he realized, he should probably text her back before she found his dorm.

**Player-Two: im okay. Just overslept.**

She responded almost immediately.

**Dramaqueen: oh good! That you’re not dead.**

**Player-Two: lol im fine**   
****

Looking at the time, Jeremy realized he still had a half an hour before his next class. So, he just lazed around his room, played video games, and finished some work, before realizing how hungry he was. After getting dressed, he headed down to the cafeteria. But almost as soon as he walked in, a voice called out to him.

“Jeremy!” Turning, he saw Kylee yelling to him. She was waving to him, enthusiastically, gaining eye rolls from the people around her, but she didn’t notice. Or maybe she did but she just didn’t care. Jeremy blushed in embarrassment, before rushing to her. He walked right beside the brunette and ducked his head. She laughed.

“Am I embarrassing you?” She mocked, pointing a pale finger at him. He shrugged as they walked to get their food.

Once they sat down, Jeremy asked her, “Kylee, I mean this in the nicest way, but why the Hell are you wearing a sweater? And a scarf? It’s still summer.” The girl looked down at her clothes. A white sweater and a grey scarf.

She laughed before saying, “Man, is clothes your ‘go-to’ conversation starter?”

“Not usually. But when it comes to you, probably.”

“Well, I just wanted to, you know?”

Jeremy shook his head, smiling, “Nope.” The two laughed for the entire rest of their ‘lunch’ until they were kicked out. They split ways, Kylee almost being late for class. Once she was gone, Jeremy headed back to his dorm, not having class for another hour.

However, once back from his classes, he was completely out of it. If you asked him what happened that night, he honestly wouldn’t have known. He couldn’t even remember if Michael was there or not. He just changed his clothes and got in bed. Then, he was out.

Then it was Saturday. That morning, Jeremy awoke when he felt someone shaking him awake. It was Michael, "Jerrrrremyyyyyy..." he said softly, with a wide smile. Jeremy groaned, and attempted to push him away, but to no avail.

"Get up. You'll never guess what I got."

“Whatever it is better be worth waking up so early...” Jeremy did not want to get up. You’d think being so tired the night before, he’d be wide awake, but he was not.

Michael held up some slips of paper, and smiled even wider, "Passes to The Battlefield!" The Battlefield was the biggest paintball place in the region. It's been on both of their bucket lists for years.

However, Jeremy didn’t realize that for a little bit, “Wait,” he froze trying to remember what it was before his eyes lit up, “Hold up. HOW!?” He sat up immediately.

Michael moved out of the way just in time before he ended up getting head butted by Jeremy, "Mitchell got them for me as a high school graduation present, and I've been saving them for just the right time. I was thinking... today!"

Michael had grabbed Jeremy’s attention, waking him up. Jeremy pumped his fist in the air and yelled, “Yes!”.

"He got us six tickets, so each of use could bring two friends." he paused. "Can you think of anyone you'd want to bring?" Jeremy thought for a second. He could bring Christine. But who else then? Someone they both knew? Then, a thought cane to mind.

“Um, yeah actually. Kylee and Max.” He spoke, forgetting that Michael probably didn’t know who they were.

"Awesome! It's a good thing you've made some friends." Michael said, and then smirked. "I probably would've invited Seth and Andy to join us otherwise."

Jeremy visibly flinched slightly at the mention of their names, "Y-You wouldn’t..” _God, Michael wouldn’t. They tried to kill him, despite what he said, and they weren’t the kindest people._

Michael laughed. "Of course not. They'd probably smuggle in real guns. The friends that I'm bringing are Peter and his roommate, Ollie." _Oh, yeah Peter._ He had forgotten about him.

“O-oh okay.” He stuttered.

Michael waved his hand, gesturing for Jeremy to get up. "So come on! Get up, text your buddies, and get ready to go!"

“Yep.” Jeremy stood up, stretching and, the moment he started to walk, he tripped and stumbled, “Shit..!” His face went red. _Michael saw didn’t he!?_ Wait, why did Jeremy care? He never had before.

"Wow, you better hope we'll be on the same team, because I'd destroy you." Michael said.

Glaring at him, Jeremy sighed, “You know, I’m not even gonna deny that.” _He probably would._

After Jeremy grabbed whatever clothes he felt like wearing that day, and changed, he grabbed his phone and realized he had only gotten Kylee’s number. Either way, he sent a quick text asking if she wanted to come join, and if she wanted to invite Max as well.

**Player-Two: hey. Michael and I are going paint balling wanna come with? Invite Max too**

After a few moments, she responded.

**Innocence: yeah sure. I should rlly give u Max’s number.**

Once she told him, he plugged it into his phone but before he could send her the invitation, Kylee sent him her confirmation message. It was simple.

Jeremy spoke up, “Both are coming."

Michael nodded, “Great! Let's go!"

Michael and Jeremy got into Michael's car. About 10 minutes later, they arrived at The Battlefield. Peter and Ollie were already there waiting for them. Michael waved. "Hey guys!"

Jeremy waved slightly, although only briefly meeting one of them once. He silently hoped it wouldn’t be long until Kylee and Max showed up. He didn’t know what he would do. They were Michael’s friends, not his.

Peter waved at them, “I hope you're ready for a bloody battle!" he turned to Jeremy. "Hey, nice to see you again." _Yeah, the first time wasn’t the greatest._

Peter gestured to the boy beside him. "This is Ollie, my roommate." Ollie smiled shyly. "Hi."

“Hey.” Jeremy replies, just as shy. Again, what should he do? Acting enthusiastic was Kylee’s and Michael’s things. Not at all his.

However, before anything could get more awkward, a familiar voice called out, “Hey guys!” Turning around, Jeremy saw Kylee running up to them, Max following silently behind her.

Michael smiled at them. "Hey, I'm Michael."

She responded, cheerily, “Hi! I’m Kylee! This is Max.” Max nodded her head, not speaking at all. _So, today was a day talking was bad, huh? Well that’s a great first impression. Not to offend Max!_ God, offending his friend in his own head.

“Well I hope you two are ready for a bloody battle.” said Michael.

“Oh you bet we are!” Kylee smiled.

“Let’s go then!” Michael exclaimed. He sounded so happy. Jeremy felt his chest start to tighten. God, what was wrong with him!

They all got inside and after they turned in the tickets they were brought to a room full of paintball gear. Then they had to put their names into the score board. Finally, Michael pressed the button “team shuffle.” When the teams finally came out, they were Jeremy/Kylee/Ollie and Michael/Max/Peter. _Looks like we aren’t on the same team. But neither are Kylee and Max, so. That’ll be hard._

Peter and Michael high five, “Alright! We got this in the bag!" said Peter.

Kylee beamed once seeing who she was with, “This is gonna be fun guys!” Yeah. Michael had been wanting to go for longer than Jeremy had, so he just wished that it was all he expected.

They all went inside, and the battleground was massive. Many hiding places and towers. Both teams went to their respective sides to plan a strategy. Once on their side, Jeremy automatically asked them both, “Have you guys played before?”

“Nope!” Kylee said, laughing slightly, “But hey, there’s a first for everything you know?” She was right. Well, as her first time, he just hoped she’d enjoy it.

Jeremy turned to Ollie who said, "I've played laser tag." _Okay. Not the same, but close._ It’ll have to work.

“Alright. Well, we’re gonna need a strategy. So um, Ollie? Did you ever have something that worked for you in laser tag?”

"Well, I've always been a good... sniper." he said shyly.

“That’s good!” He turned to Kylee, who was smiling, mischievously. Jeremy’s own smile turned, “Kylee...” _What was she planning?_

“Nothing!” He hadn’t even asked her anything. _Something’s off._ Then again, why should he trust a girl who wears sweaters and scarfs in the summer? _Oh, right. Because he’s too damn trusting._

"...Okay then.. So you can try to figure out what works best for you. I’ll go short range, Okay?” Kylee nodded.

The battle was pretty simple. Jeremy had managed to keep his guard up, and he missed almost everything that was shot at him. Emphasis on almost.

Once, Jeremy had heard a sound, like someone crying out. He scanned the area before noticing Peter on their side, running. He shot someone. Jeremy started after him, noticing Ollie in the area as well. _Must have shot him._ Before Peter could gain anymore distance, Jeremy shot at him, hitting him square in the back. He laughed slightly as Peter umped.

After, he started wandering around, scanning for anymore noises when he heard a noise. Looking over, he noticed Max and Kylee next to each other, talking. Or at least one of them was. Kylee was whispering something he couldn’t  hear, and Max nodded. Then, Jeremy made a big mistake. As he subconsciously stepped closer to the girls, he thought he’d be okay. But little did he know, he stepped out in the open. Before he knew it, Jeremy felt the pressure of being shot. Michael’s laughter rang out, as Jeremy jumped and frantically looked around him. Finally noticing the boy above him, he took aim with his gun and shot, but missed by a little less than a foot. He groaned and turned away instead. Only then had he noticed, Kylee and Max were long gone. _God damnit Michael..._

After the tournament, they all went to a nearby park and sat at a picnic table. Ollie glared at Peter, "You didn't tell me that getting hit would be painful you jerk!" he said.

Peter shrugged. "It's not that bad. Besides, you might not have come if I had told you, and then you wouldn't be here having fun right now."

Ollie sighed, and gave a resigned smile. "You got me there I guess.”

Michael looked at Kylee and Max, confused. "By the way, what were you girls doing when I shot Jeremy?" _Oh great. That. Did he really have to point out that he shot him? I mean, what if they didn’t see? Then he basically just told everyone there._

“Nothing.” Kylee responded, avoiding eye contact. Jeremy glared at Michael for bringing it up.

Michael looked from Kylee to Max. "Jeremy, I find your friends very suspicious."

“Me too.” Jeremy spike, still glaring slightly.

Peter looked confused, "What happened?"

“Nothing. Nothing happened. At all.” _We’re not talking about this!!_

Michael grinned. "I shot Jeremy during the battle, but the reason I saw him is because Kylee and Max were at the border talking, I think. They were waving their hands. I couldn't see them that well." Jeremy mentally sighed. _Michael was never letting him live this down was he?_

Peter looked thoughtful, but Ollie perked up, "Wait, were they doing this?" he began to move his hands in a similar way to what Max always does. He was signing. Whatever he had said, made Kylee laugh. Max responded, signing as well, as she smirked.

Peter perked up as well then, "Oh, sign language! Very clever."

Michael looks surprised, "Wait, is Max deaf?"

“No,” Kylee shook her head, “Her vocal cords are permanently damaged. Some days she can talk. Most she can’t.”

"Oh, that sounds hard." Michael said sympathetically. Then he turned to Ollie, "And I didn't know you knew sign language."

Ollie nodded, and looked embarrassed, “My sister and I learned it because I have panic attacks sometimes, and it's hard to talk afterwards. Peter knows it too." Ollie smiled. "After I told him about it, he asked me to teach him."

Peter looked embarrassed now. "Heh, yeah... I like learning new languages, that's all. Nothing like getting a teacher for free you know?" _So all four of them know?_

“So, what you all are saying, is that Michael and I are the only ones who don’t know?” Jeremy laughed. Unless Michael for some reason knew and never told Jeremy.

"Yep, pretty much." said Peter.

“Well that sucks...” He frowned slightly.

Michael smiled, "You four should start a sign language club, to teach it to people. I know I'd join." _That was actually a really good idea._

Jeremy nodded, “Yeah. I would too.”

Ollie blushed, "Oh, I don't know about that. I've never been the leader of anything, and I don't know if I'd be really good at teaching..."

Peter shrugged. "You taught me pretty well."

Max signed something to him, smiling.

Ollie smiled shyly, "You really think so?" Peter, Michael, and Max nodded. _Wait, but, doesn’t Michael not know sign language? Or..._

Ollie looked thoughtful for a moment, and said, "Well, if you guys want to do it together, I'd love to help." Max signed something.

Peter nodded, “I'm not as fluent as you guys, but I'm in."

Kylee nodded as well, “So am I!” _So they’re doing it?_

Michael grinned excitedly, “Awesome! All you have to do is talk to advising, and set a day. Which day would the club be on?" Jeremy still kinda felt left out of this. Not the club or anything. But the fact that everyone, including Michael, seemed to know what was being said.

Kylee looked away, pondering, before speaking up, “Most days work for me. What about you guys?”

Peter says, "I think Thursday or Friday would work best for me." Max signed again. Either she agreed to the dates or she denied one by the excited look on her face.

"Sounds good." said Peter.

Jeremy spoke up, “You guys are gonna do great!”

Michael nodded in agreement. "Definitely."

After that, the odd group continued to chat until they all decided to head to their dorms for the rest of the day.

On Sunday, Michael and Jeremy decided to laze around, watching a marathon of Star Wars. Everything was fine until Jeremy was about to drift to sleep. He started to lean on Michael’s shoulder, face turning slightly red but he was too tired to ignore his red face and the fluttering in his stomach.

_I’ll deal with it later..._

* * *

Michael Mell

Michael woke up on Thursday morning with a text from Peter. 

**Petey: did anything strange happen during that lake jump?**

A chill ran down Michael’s spine.  
 ****

**mich-drop: What do you mean?**

**Petey: well, i was coming back from the bathroom that night, and i swear i saw Seth and Andy still over there. When I got closer, i saw you in the water, and by the time i got over there, they were in the parking lot. I brought up the incident with Seth, and he acted really weird about it.**

_So Peter is having suspicions. Perfect…_ Michael didn’t want another person involved in this. He had to get rid of Peter’s suspicion.  
 ****

**mich-drop: I’m not sure what your implying. Like, that they were there and did nothing? Idk, being accused of attempted second degree murder or whatever would make me act “weird” too. Just saying…**

Peter didn’t reply to that, and the rest of the day, they didn’t see each other at all. Michael was worried that he had been too harsh, and now Peter was avoiding him.  
 ****

On Friday after class, Michael was putting his stuff away when he came across something he had stuck in his desk drawer and forgotten about… tickets to The Battlefield, the largest paintball tournament center in the region. His older brother, Mitchell, had given them to Michael for his high school graduation present.

Michael decided that he wanted to go there with Jeremy as soon as possible. There were six tickets, so they could bring friends. This worried Michael. _Were me and Peter still friends?_ He decided to find out.

**mich-drop: Hey man, sry if I sound a little harsh there. Anyways, Jeremy and I have tickets to The Battlefield. Saturday is the planned date. Do you and Ollie want to come?**

He texted back within a few minutes.  
 ****

**Petey: hell yeah we’ll come! and yeah, no offense taken from your response yesterday**

Well, that settles it. Michael was happy they were coming, and that Peter might have dropped the lake jump thing, but most of all, he was excited for Saturday!  
 ****

The next morning. Michael walked over to Jeremy's bed and gave him a light shake. “Jerrremyyy…” he said softly, and with a wide smile.

Jeremy groaned, and attempted to push him away, but to no avail

"Get up.” Michael insisted. “You'll never guess what I got."

Jeremy groaned again. “Whatever it is better be worth waking up so early…”

Michael held up several slips of paper, and smiled even wider "Passes to The Battlefield!"

“Wait,” Jeremy froze, and then his eyes lit up, “Hold up. HOW!?” He sat up immediately,

Michael moved out of the way just in time before getting head butted by Jeremy. “Mitchell got them for me as a high school graduation, and I've been saving them for just the right time. I was thinking... today!”

Jeremy, pumped his fist in the air and, yelled, “Yes!”

"He got us six tickets, so each of use could bring two friends.” Michael continued. "Can you think of anyone you'd want to bring?” _Wait, has Jeremy made any friends? Uh oh, was this about to get super uncomfortable?_

“Um, yeah actually. Kylee and Max.” said Jeremy.

Michael inwardly sighed with relief. “Awesome! It's a good thing you've made some friends. I probably would've invited Seth and Andy to join us otherwise.” he joked.

Jeremy visibly flinched slightly at the mention of their names, "Y-You wouldn’t..”

Michael immediately felt guilty for making Jeremy nervous, so he attempted to remedy the situation by laughing and saying, “Of course not. They'd probably smuggle in real guns.” _Nailed it!_ “The friends that I'm bringing are Peter and his roommate, Ollie."

“O-oh okay.” Jeremy said

Michael waved his hand, gesturing for Jeremy to get up. "So come on! Get up, text your buddies, and get ready to go!"

“Yep.” Jeremy stood up, stretching, and, the moment he started to walk, he tripped and stumbled, “Shit..!”

Michael held back a laugh "Wow, you better hope we'll be on the same team, because I'd destroy you."

Glaring at him, Jeremy sighed, “You know, I’m not even gonna deny that.”

After Jeremy changed, he grabbed his phone sent a quick text. After a few minutes, Jeremy said, “Both are coming."

Michael nodded. "Great! Let's go!” He had already texted Peter and Ollie, and they were meeting them there. Michael and Jeremy got into Michael's car. About 10 minutes later, they arrived at The Battlefield. He soon spotted Peter and Ollie. Michael waved at them. "Hey guys!"

Jeremy waved at them, but he seemed a little uncomfortable. Peter returned the wave enthusiastically. "I hope you're ready for a bloody battle!" he turned to Jeremy. "Hey, nice to see you again." he gestured to the boy beside him. "This is Ollie, my roommate."

“Hi…” Ollie said shyly

“Hey.” Jeremy replied, also shyly.

_The dynamic duo…_

Just then, Michael heard an unfamiliar voice call out, “Hey guys!” Turning around, Michael saw two girls running up to them.

He smiled at them. "Hey, I'm Michael."

One of the girls responded, cheerily, “Hi! I’m Kylee! This is Max.” Max nodded her head, not speaking at all.

“Well I hope you two are ready for a bloody battle” said Michael, hoping Peter wouldn’t say anything about stealing his “line”.

“Oh you bet we are!” Kylee said, smiling.

Michael nodded excitedly. “Let’s go then!” They all went inside and after turning in the tickets, they’re brought to a room full of paintball gear. Then they have to put their names into the score board. Finally, Michael pressed the button “team shuffle”, and few seconds later…

Red TeamBlue Team

 JeremyMichael

  KyleeMax

   OlliePeter

 

Michael high fives Peter, who cheered, “Alright! We got this in the bag!” 

Kylee looked happy with her team placement. “This is gonna be fun guys!” she said.

They went inside, and the battleground was massive. There were many hiding places and towers. Both teams went to their respective sides to plan a strategy. Michael asked his teammates, "Okay, who has long distance aim?"

Max shrugged.

"You ever played paintball Maxie?" asked Peter.

Max shook her head slightly.

Peter sighed. "Well, that's okay. You basically just, shoot the other team and try not to get shot. Since you probably don't know what shooting style you're good at, just go wherever."

She nodded

"I'm good at long distance shooting, so I'll go in the tower." said Michael. Playing sniper from his treehouse as kid with Jeremy was finally paying off.

Peter nodded. "And I'll get as close as I can to enemy lines." he leaned over to Max. "My stealth skills are second to none."

She smiled and nodded, seeming to agree with both of their plans.

“Okay.” Peter said confidently. “Let’s do this.”

Michael took his place in the tower and waited. Within only a few minutes, he saw the other team sneaking around. He quickly got a hit on Kylee, who yelped in surprise at the pain, which made Michael snicker a bit.

He tried to find Jeremy, but couldn’t see him. In the process of his search, he lost sight of Kylee as well. Just when he was thinking of leaving the tower for close combat, he heard a noise below that made him scan the area carefully.

He spotted Max and Kylee next to each other, talking. Or at least, Kylee was. She was whispering something, and Max nodded and made some hand gestures in response. Suddenly, Michael saw Jeremy approach the girls, letting his guard down.

Michael grinned and aimed his gun at Jeremy. Seconds later, plaint spattered on Jeremy, and he let out a shocked yelp, which made Michael burst into laughter. His laughter only grew when Jeremy looked around frantically. When they locked eyes, Michael ducked into the tower before Jeremy could shoot him.

After Jeremy gave up and left, Michael finally decided it was time to change position. He left the tower just in time to see Peter approach him excitedly, covered in paint. “Oh man, you’ll never believe what I just did! I snuck all the way to their tower and surprised Ollie. It was glorious!”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “And how’d you get covered in paint?”

He shrugged. “Jeremy caught me on the way back, but it was totally worth it!”

“If you say so.” Michael said with a laugh. Then he approached the enemy lines. He tip-toed carefully, eyes shifting left to right, looking for the enemy. Finally, he spotted one. It was Kylee. Michael grinned as he aimed his gun. She didn’t even see him, it was too perfect! He took a breath… and fired! At the sound of her surprised yelp, Michael took off running back to his side.

He ran, not looking back to see if she was following him. When he felt he was safe, Michael stopped and breathed heavily, tired from running. Suddenly, Michael saw something in his peripheral vision. He turned with his guard up, but then relaxed when he saw Max. She turned as well, and they locked eyes. Before Michael knew what was happening, she aimed her gun and fired! He was so shocked that didn’t dodge in time, and he got hit.

“What the fuck?! We’re on the same team!” he shouted, irritated.

Max lowered her gun instantly, and although she didn’t say anything, the guilt and embarrassed was evident on her face. Michael felt bad for yelling, and sighed. “It’s fine. This is your first time after all. Just… don’t shoot your own team members.” he smiled, trying to lighten up the situation. “Just a… general rule I’d suggest following.”

To his relief, Max’s guilt seemed to lessen. She gave him a grateful smile, and ran off.

A few minutes later, the alarm sounded, signifying the end of the tournament. The six of them gathered in the prep room to see the scores.

Blue Team: 4

Red Team: 3

Michael and Peter high-hived for the second time that day, and then they both high-hived Max. After a few more minutes of celebrating, they were kicked out so the next group could go.

They all left the building, went to a nearby park, and sat at a picnic table. Ollie glared at Peter. "You didn't tell me that getting hit would be painful you jerk!" he said.

Peter shrugged. "It's not that bad. Besides, you might not have come if I had told you, and then you wouldn't be here having fun right now."

Ollie sighed, and gave a resigned smile. "You got me there I guess."

Michael looked at Kylee and Max, confused. "By the way, what were you girls doing when I shot Jeremy?"

“Nothing.” Kylee responded, avoiding eye contact.

Michael looked from Kylee to Max. “Jeremy, I find your friends very suspicious."

“Me too.” responded Jeremy.

Peter looked confused. "What happened?"

“Nothing. Nothing happened. At all.” said Jeremy, glaring at Michael to keep him quiet, but Michael decided to do no such thing.

"I shot Jeremy from the tower during the battle. You should’ve seen his face!” he said, grinning. “But the reason I saw him is because Kylee and Max were at the border talking, I think. They were waving their hands. I couldn't see them that well."

Peter looked thoughtful, but Ollie perked up. "Wait, were they doing this?" he began to sign

Max grinned and responded, signing as well.

Peter perked up as well then. "Oh, sign language! Very clever."

Michael was surprised. "Wait, is Max deaf?” _Is that an okay question to ask?_

“No,” Kylee said. “Her vocal cords are permanently damaged. Some days she can talk. Most she can’t.”

"Oh, that sounds hard." Michael said sympathetically. Then he turns to Ollie. "And I didn't know you knew sign language."

Ollie nodded, and looked embarrassed. “My sister and I learned it because I have panic attacks sometimes, and it's hard to talk afterwards. Peter knows it too." he smiled. "After I told him about it, he asked me to teach him."

Peter looked embarrassed now. "Heh, yeah... I like learning new languages, that's all. Nothing like getting a teacher for free you know?”

Michael thought that was one of the sweetest things he’d ever heard, and Peter could no longer deny that he was one of the most caring friends in existence.

Jeremy shook his head, laughing. “So, what you all are saying, is that Michael and I are the only ones who don’t know?”

"Yep, pretty much." said Peter

"Well that sucks…" Jeremy mumbled

Michael smiled. “You four should start a sign language club, to teach it to people. I know I'd join.” he said, gesturing to Kylee, Max, Peter and Ollie

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. I would too.”

Ollie blushed. "Oh, I don't know about that. I've never been the leader of anything, and I don't know if I'd be really good at teaching…"

Peter shrugged. “You taught me pretty well.”

Max signed to him, and it must’ve been some words of encouragement, because Ollie smiled shyly and responded with, “You really think so?” To which Michael, Peter, and Max nodded.

Ollie looked thoughtful for a moment, before saying, “Well, if you guys want to do it together, I'd love to help.”

Max signed, seemingly agreeing, and Peter nodded. “I’m not as fluent as you guys, but I'm in.” he said.

Kylee nodded as well, “So am I!”

Michael grinned excitedly. “Awesome! All you have to do is talk to advising, and set a day. Which day would the club be on?”

Kylee looked away, pondering, before speaking up, “Most days work for me. What about you guys?”

Peter said, “I think Thursday or Friday would work best for me.” Ollie nodded in agreement.

Max signed, and Peter said, “Sounds good.”

Jeremy smiled and laughed, slightly, “You guys are gonna do great!”

Michael nodded in agreement. “Definitely.” _We never got what date they decided on, but I’m sure we’ll find out eventually._ he thought.

They all chatted for a little while longer, before they decided to head back. It was starting to become dark by the time they arrived, and they all said their goodbyes and parted ways.

The rest of the weekend, Michael just spent time with Jeremy. They spent the entirety of Sunday watch all of the Star Wars movies, and then playing the Star Wars video game. In other words, they had the perfect day. Eventually, Jeremy fell sleep on Michael’s shoulder. Okay, now this was _really_ the perfect day! Soon, Michael also fell into a contented sleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nice to see everything going well, huh?


	18. Evan Hansen: The Storm

When Evan woke up on Monday morning, he felt a bit jittery for some reason. Then he realized that he had been so busy this weekend that he had forgotten to take his medication. Inwardly chastising himself, he reached over to the box that contained his pills. He grew confused, however, when his hands met empty air.

Evan sat up in his bed and looked inside the box that sat beside him. The box was empty, which made no sense, because he was certain he had an entire bottle, or almost two week’s worth, left. He got up and looked under his bed, on and in his desk and dresser, but didn’t find it.

He was beginning to grow concerned now, and started searching all around the room. His mind was racing as he tried to remember where he had last seen the bottle, but the only thing he could come up with was in the box beside his bed. In the midst of his searching, Evan heard the door open, and glanced over to see that Vince had just entered the room.

“What are you doing?” Vince asked.

Evan turned back around as he kept looking. “I’m trying to find my medication. I had a whole bottle left but now it’s gone.”

He couldn’t see Vince, but he didn’t give any sort of response. Evan continued to search, becoming a bit frantic. This had never happened before. He was always so careful to have his meds easily accessible.

Suddenly, a voice broke through Evan’s worry and searching, saying something that only confused him. “I know…”

This made Evan pause. He turned around to face Vince, who was still standing where he had been after he entered, and Evan saw that he now had an odd look on his face. “You… You know what?” Evan asked.

Vince grimaced before saying, “I know… that you’re missing your medication.”

Evan just stared at Vince. _What did he mean?_ he thought. “I don’t understand. Do you know where my medication is?”

Vince sighed, looking conflicted. After a few moments, he answered, “Yes. I took it.”

At this, Evan’s mouth fell open in shock. He gaped at Vince, and honestly had no idea what to say… what to do! He just stood there, dumbly staring at him. Eventually, it was Vince who started to explain himself.

“I told you I needed money, and I needed it right away.” he said defensively. “Xanax is worth a lot if you know the right people. I didn’t have a choice!”

Evan finally found his voice. “What- I can’t even… You stole my medication, and sold it?!”

Vince turned up his hand. “Uh, yeah. That’s what I just said.”

“What the hell Vince?!” Evan yelled.

Vince sighed, sounding exasperated. “Relax, it was only one bottle. Just go to the Wellness Center and get a refill.”

Even let out a humorless laugh. “That’s… That’s not the point Vince! You stole my medication and sold it on the black market!”

“Look, my hands were tied okay? I wouldn’t have done if there had been another way.” He paused, before saying accusingly, “Like if you had loaned me the money when I asked you to.”

“I told you I didn’t have any money to loan you!” Evan said.

Vince scoffed. “Yeah right, I find that hard to believe since you were out partying all weekend.”

“I wasn’t-” Evan started, but then shook his head. “We’re getting off track here. If you’re in some kind of trouble, bad enough to do… this, then you need to get help.”

Vince rolled his eyes, but Evan continued. “Just go to the dean, or a teacher, or an advisor. I could even go with you, or I could call-”

Vince didn’t let him finish. Instead, he lashed out and grabbed Evan by his shirt. Evan let out a surprised yelp, his offer of help being cut off. Vince spoke with a sudden anger that made sense if Vince was in the kind of trouble that Evan imagined, but his face showed a level of desperation. “You’re not going to call _anyone_! Just go get your refill, and we’ll never talk about this again, got it?

Evan nodded. “Okay okay, I swear I won’t say anything. I’m sorry!” he was so scared, but to his relief, Vince let him go.

“Good.” he muttered. “I’ll see you later.” With that, Vince turned around and walked out of the room.

With Vince gone, Evan finally got a chance to process what had just happened, and he grew worried as his heart rate began to pick up. He could already feel the effects of not taking his medication. _Why didn’t I take it when I had the chance?_ He inwardly groaned.

 _Okay… Calm down._ Evan told himself. This was fine. He would simply go to the Wellness Center, get the refill, and everything would be fine.

He looked at his watch, and sighed heavily, realizing that if he went now, he would be late for Identity and Vocation, maybe even missing the whole class. _At least one good thing would come out of this then…_ Evan thought with a slight smile.

Quickly, he got dressed and made his way to the Wellness Center. When he got there, Evan went to the guy at the front desk and said, “Um… excuse me?”

The guy looked at Evan. “Yes, how can I help you?”

Evan tried to keep the nervousness he felt out of his voice as he answered, “Well… I need a refill for my Xanax medication.”

The guy nodded and asked for his name. Evan gave it to him, and after typing at his computer for a minute, he looked at Evan with a frown. “It says here that you’re not due for a refill for another week.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, but… I don’t have any medication left.”

Now the guy looked confused. “Well what happened to the rest of it?” he asked.

Evan looked down. He couldn’t tell him what happened. Who knows what Vince would do? And the guy might not believe him, and he could get in trouble. So he just mumbled “I don’t know…”

The guy sighed and looked closely at his computer for a minute, before shaking his head. “I’m sorry, but there are multiple documented incidents in your file that prevent me from giving you access to a certain amount of medication at once. I can’t be sure how much you still have.”

He looked at Evan with sadness and pity in his eye, letting him know exactly was he was talking about. His mom, in all her protectiveness, had regulated the access Evan would have to his meds. It was understandable, but now it was doing more harm than good. “Please.” Evan begged. “I promise I really don’t have any more medication left!”

He could tell from the look on the guy’s face that he wasn’t going to budge. “I’m not authorized to make the call on weather or not to believe you.” he said, looking truly regretful. “You can contact you doctor or the one who set up the restriction and work things out with them.”

Evan nodded and dejectedly left the Wellness Center. He dreaded the thought of bothering his mom with all of this, and making a call to his doctor. He knew that part of this sudden anxiety was the lack of medication in his system, but that didn’t make the anxiety any less affecting.

He tried to think of a way to fix this, and came up with something that made perfect sense in his mind: do nothing. After all, it would only be a week, and he had been doing so well managing his anxiety. Evan was confident that he could do it. It wouldn’t be that hard, right? _Right?_

Evan began walking to the Identity and Vocation class, but when he got there, he saw students leaving the building, and his shoulders sagged. He had missed the entire class. With a sudden twinge of fear, Evan wondered how it would affect his grade. What if he failed the class? He started to sweat, and his hands started to shake. After a few seconds, Evan snapped to his senses and fought to keep his breathing under control.

When the feeling passed, Evan was left with confusion. He realized that missing one class wouldn’t cause him to fail. In fact, he remembered that he would have to miss six classes to fail, and he was allowed three absences before it counted against his grade at all. So why did he worry so much that this would cause him to fail?

Oh… _Oh…_ His anxiety, Evan realized. For a moment, it had completely taken over and hindered his rational thinking. It felt strange to Evan for some reason. He was very familiar with the feeling growing up, but after months of being able to control it, and then for it to come back so suddenly, it was almost like a new and unfamiliar feeling.

He realized that it would be more difficult to fend off the worrying and negative thoughts without his medication, but now that he was aware of this, it would be easier. _Right?_

He paused and took several deep breaths, remembering the techniques he’d been taught in therapy. _Separate the facts from the thoughts. My grade will not suffer with one missed class. I will be able to catch up if I get behind. I can get through this. I am in control._

Evan opened his eyes, and felt a lot calmer. He looked at his watch, and realized that if he didn’t hurry, he would be late. He ran to his Composition 1 class, making it just on time. He arrived out of breath, and sat down at his desk.

After awhile, Evan’s breathing evened out, but for some reason, he felt uncomfortable. He shifted, trying to settle and pay attention, but he just felt out of whack. Unconsciously, he began to tap his pencil on his desk, until someone near him asked him to stop, sounding irritated. He moved his hand to his leg, tapping his finger there instead.

Suddenly, a whispered voice startled him. “Are you okay?”

Evan snapped his head quickly in the direction of the voice, and saw Jeremy next to him, with a concerned expression on his face. Evan sighed. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Jeremy’s eyes narrowed. “No wait. Now it’s my turn to say that I know when you’re lying.”

He gave Jeremy a small smile. It was nice to have someone concerned about him. Evan recalled literally having a panic attack in high school and no one batting an eye, except to laugh. Unfortunately, someone being concerned about him was the exact opposite of what he needed right now. He wanted to get through this with no one noticing something was wrong and move on. “it’s nothing.” he whispered. “I’m just…feeling a little-”

Evan was interrupted by the teacher saying his name. He turned his attention to her, and she asked him, with a tone that indicated she had already done so once, to read what was on the screen. Evan opened his mouth to speak, but he suddenly felt everyone’s eyes on him. He gulped nervously and took a deep breath. “The th-th-three rhetorical appeals are P-Pathos, Logos and Ethos… as n-named by… by Aristotle.”

He sat there, mortified at how much he had stuttered. It hadn’t been this bad in months! Sure, he knew that his lack of meds would affect him, but it was like all of his progress went down the tubes. He turned to Jeremy and finished what he had been saying to him. “…Anxious.”

A look of pity came across Jeremy’s face, and he said, “Oh. Yeah, anxiety’s terrible.”

Evan nodded. _You’re telling me._

For the rest of the class, Evan just tried to focus on the teacher and not his mind constantly making him anxious for literally no reason. It was horrible, like his mind going, _SoMeThInG’s WrOnG!!! What? What’s wrong?! i DoN’t KnOw,TiMe To PaNiC!!!_ It was exhausting.

As soon as class was over, Evan was up and out the door, As he walked, he heard Jeremy calling him. _Crap!_ He didn’t want to deal with any interaction, especially when it would no doubt be about his anxious behavior.

Desperate, Evan opened the door to an empty classroom next to him and ducked inside. After a minute, he opened the door carefully and peeked out, and Jeremy was no where to be found. As he walked outside, Evan noticed that he was feeling slightly lightheaded. He thought that it must’ve been from hunger, and thankfully, lunch was his next “class”.

When he entered the cafeteria, however, a big part of him wanted to turn around and walk right out the door. It was the people. There were so many. They were all talking at once. He couldn’t hear precisely what any of them were saying. He couldn’t even hear himself think. The bustle of the students also clashed with the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen, and metal spoons scraping against food serving trays.

Evan began to back up, but there were people coming in behind him. He realized that in order to leave, he would have to push past all of those people, which would no doubt be seen as rude and annoying. Reluctantly, Evan scanned in and got in a line for food.

When he got to the front, he simply held out his plate, not wanting to risk talking in case he stuttered again. The person serving the food asked if he wanted this and that, and not wanting to start any trouble, he simply nodded his head every time.

He went to a table and sat down. At this point, Evan was getting stressed out over a simple dilemma. Which would be worse, having someone come to sit with him and want to have a conversation, while he was fighting a stutter and eating? Or having no one sit with him and be faced with pitying glances at the poor kid sitting all by himself?

Evan shifted his eyes around the cafeteria for a few moments, before glancing down at his food. If he made eye contacted with someone, after all, they might feel obligated to sit with him, which added a third option to the dilemma.

He had lost his appetite by now, but he still felt light headed. So, he slowly began to eat. For some reason, his stomach protested with each bite, but he pushed the feelings away, just like he had been doing to the rest of his issues all day.

 _Okay. So maybe this lack of meds thing would be harder than I thought. But I can still get through it. I feel the anxiety returning, but I can push it away well enough. The rest of my body feels weird, but it’s only for a week._ Evan reassured himself.

When he finished his lunch, Evan stood up only to be struck with a feeling of dizziness. He grabbed onto the table to steady himself, and stood still for a minute. Eventually, he let go and slowly walked to the cafeteria exit. Evan’s head pounded with each step, and he could feel his heartbeat vibrate in his ears. His whole body ached with pain, but he kept on walking until he made it to his next class. The headache subsided a bit when he sat down, and Evan hoped things were taking a turn for the better.

Not even five minuets into Biology, Evan began to feel uncomfortable. His lunch turned uneasily in his stomach, and he began to feel hot. He tried to shift in his seat, but the noise it made caused him to freeze. He didn’t want everyone to hear him. He drew in a shaky breath, and clasped his hands together to keep from annoyingly tapping on the desk. As the class drew on, Evan had to try harder and harder to focus on the teacher. This was a far cry from the last Biology class, where he had been so fascinated by the lecture and material.

 _How can I get through classes like this?_ Evan thought. If he acted like this for his favorite classes, how would he handle the less interesting ones? He thought about how it would hinder his knowledge about the classes. What if he couldn’t get back into things fast enough when he had his meds again? What if his grades suffered?

As Evan inwardly panicked, his stomach felt all the more uneasy. Suddenly, he was struck with the sharp feeling of nausea. His eyes widened in horror, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to contain it for much longer. He stood up, and ignored the sudden stares of everyone in the room as he ran out the door.

Evan rushed to the bathroom and entered a stall just in time. He retched and vomited up his lunch. He gagged until nothing more came up, and he was just dry heaving, which was extremely painful.

Finally, there was nothing left, and Evan sunk down to the floor, gasping for breath. Tears began to form in his eyes, both because of how awful the day had been, and the thought that this was only the beginning.

He stayed there on the ground until he heard the door open. Quickly, Evan stood up and flushed the toilet, not wanting anyone to see the state he was in. He waited until a stall door closed and locked, and then opened his own stall door. He washed his hands and face, and exited the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Evan stood awkwardly outside the bathroom, trying to make a decision. Should he go back to class? They would obviously stare, and what if the professor asked what his problem was? He could go back to his dorm, but there might be other people walking around wondering what he doing out of class, and his grade could suffer from not hearing the rest of class.

_I have to make a decision, before that person comes out of the bathroom and wonders why I’m still standing here. Make a decision… Decide NOW!_

The sound of the bathroom door opening startled Evan, and he ran away from the door, and outside of the classroom building. Now that Evan was outside, he couldn’t go back in. He walked slowly back to his dorm.

When he was about halfway there, Evan felt the buzz of a text on his phone. He pulled it out and the text displayed on the screen.

**Mathy Kathy: Hey Evan, can we talk? I thought about what you said on Saturday and I just need some advice.**

Evan stared at the text. Saturday… What happened on Saturday? He couldn’t remember. His mind swam with stress and confusion. Kathy wanted to talk to him, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to see anyone. He just wanted to be alone! Kathy needed him and he couldn’t talk to her. _Oh god, I’m such a horrible friend…_ Evan thought tearfully. He shakily responded.

**Ev: I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Kathy**

Evan shoved the phone back into his backpack, and looked up. He was surprised to see some people walking around nearby. A few of them turned to glance at him for a moment as he walked by. _Why?_ One person didn’t even turn his head, but Evan was pretty sure he saw him shift his eyes in his direction. Some of them were clever, because they waited until Evan had passed to glare at him. He could _feel_ their eyes on him.

He had no idea why they glared at him, and Evan’s mind raced with all of the possible reasons. Eventually, he broke into a run, wanting to get out of sight of everyone’s angry glares as soon as possible. All he had to do was get back to his room, and everything would be fine. He would be safe, and he could just relax and de-stress. He would get out his notebook, that he hadn’t used in months since his anxiety had been doing so well, and relax.

_Oh god, I was doing so well with my anxiety, but it was really just the pills wasn’t it? Without them, I’m just broken. Not even a day and I’m worse off than ever. That’s why everyone was staring. They knew how badly I failed._

Evan stopped and used his ID to enter the building, and then he made a beeline for the safety of his room. _Just a little farther, everything would be fine. Almost there…_

He burst into the room and fell onto his bed. For awhile, Evan just lay there in a daze. Once he got control over himself again, Evan got up and walked shakily over to his desk. He opened the bottom drawer and took out his notebook.

Evan had received the notebook from his mom on the first day of middle school. He used it whenever he was feeling really anxious. Inside it were drawings, poems, and stories he had written and drawn to calm himself in moments of panic. He continued to use it all the way through middle school and high school.

It had been months since he had last needed it, and pulling it out again after all this time just felt like a sign of his failure. Despite this, Evan didn’t know what else to do. He sat back down on his bed and opened the book to a blank page.

After staring at it for a solid minute, Evan realized he had nothing to write with. Tears came to his eyes at the thought of getting back up again, so instead, he turned to a page that was already full, and began to read, hoping it would have the same calming effect.

Unfortunately, the words and pictures blurred in front of him, and Evan couldn’t make out what was written. He squinted and brought the notebook closer to him, but to no avail. He began to get frustrated, and his hands shook, making it even harder to see.

When Evan reached his limit, he threw the notebook to the ground in anger. Then he took out his phone, and tried to send a text, but his fingers shook. Suddenly, Evan couldn’t even remember who he wanted to send a text to. _Peter? Kathy? Jared? And why did I even want to send a text?_ He thought about it, and then he suddenly remembered. _Oh yeah… I’m having some kind of mental breakdown!_

Evan was concerned that he had seemingly forgotten about that. Maybe he was just really exhausted… Thinking he might be able to sleep away the rest of the horrendous day, Evan squeezed his eyes shut and curled up in his bed. He lay there for a few minutes, until he felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Evan sat up with his eyes full of fear as he put a hand to his chest. His heart was beating erratically, as if it was repeatedly skipping a beat. Each time this happened, it sent a chill down Evan’s spine, and made him gasp for breath. It was getting harder to breathe, and he realized that could actually die here.

Evan would die in his bed, all alone, and no one would even know. How long would it be before someone even found his body? He couldn’t think of anyone who would wonder where he was. He had a sense that he wasn’t thinking clearly, but in Evan’s mind, he might as well have been back in high school, all alone, and nobody to wonder where he was or if anything happened to him. He was so certain that this was his current situation.

His whole body shook, and he could feel tears running down his face. He wasn’t aware of his own breathing, whether it was normal, erratic, or if he wasn’t breathing at all. All of Evan’s senses were focused on his heartbeat. All he heard was it pounding and ringing in his ears. All he saw was the room blurring and tilting before his eyes. All he felt was the ache in his head and the shaking of his hands and body.

All he knew was that he had lost all sense of the world around him. He didn’t hear his phone buzz, or his breathing slow, or the door knock. He was spinning and falling and drowning and, what Evan was becoming more and more certain of, he felt like he was dying.


	19. Jared Kleinman: The Storm

Jared woke up the next day with a cheeky grin on his face. Knowing he’d be seeing Evan today made his Monday that much better, and so he spent the day grinning and radiating positive energy all around him, which was very unusual. 

The day went by in a flash. He had physics and math that day and he also met up with Lottie for lunch. They chatted for a while, Lottie with sparks in her eyes as always. He wanted to pay attention to what she was saying, he really did, but was too excited to focus. They parted after a while, Lottie to go study and Jared to go see Evan.

He could feel the excitement cruising through his veins as he approached Evan’s door. He hasn’t seen him in a few days, and no matter how hard he tried to repress it, one thing was sure… he missed him. 

He took a deep breath before knocking on the door, using a pattern he’d come up with to let Evan know it’s him.

An odd sound came from the other side of the door, but no one answered.

"Evan? You in there?" Jared asked while knocking on the door again, normally this time.

There was no answer.

Jared’s heart started racing. It was really odd for Evan to not respond. _Maybe he’s sleeping?_ Jared thought. But that didn’t make sense, Evan was so eager for Jared to help him last time, why would he be asleep now? 

_Maybe something came up? But that doesn’t make sense either, Evan would never change plans without letting me know._

Jared suddenly remembered he still knew the door code back from when Evan asked him to get his ID for him. He decided to use it. _"_ Alright, I'm coming in," he said as he input the code and walked in the door.

Inside, Evan was sitting on his bed, shaking slightly, and breathing irregularly. His hands were clasped together, and he was bouncing them up and down on his lap. He didn’t even notice Jared enter.

_Well, fuck_

Jared rushed over to him "Evan, what the fuck, what's going on?"

Evan finally noticed him. "J-Jared! I... didn't hear you c-come in."

Jared sat down next to Evan. "What's going on buddy, huh?"

Evan was silent for a moment, before responding, "Um... t-they kept glaring at me."

"Who? Who kept glaring at you? Come on, Ev, you gotta give me more than that." Jared said, his voice unusually soft.

"Everyone! When I was walking back from c-c-class!Everyone else who was walking kept s-staring at me!" he gasped at the memory, and his hands started to shake.

_This makes no sense_

Jared didn’t know what to do. It was clear Evan was panicking and Jared felt desperate, not knowing how to calm him down. He looked at Evan’s shaking hands and hesitantly did the only thing he could think of – he put Evan’s hands into his own.

"Ev, that makes no sense, why would they be staring at you?" 

"I DON'T KNOW" he yelled, and a sob was heard from the back of his throat. He covered his mouth.

Jared gasped a little. He was starting to panic now, too. He hated seeing Evan this way, hated knowing Evan was so miserable and there was nothing Jared could do. 

"Jesus Christ." He put one of his hands on Evan's shoulder, hesitantly. He figured even if he didn’t know how to stop this, he could at least figure out what triggered it. "Evan, tell me what you did today. Like, just tell me where you went, what you did and all that shit."

Evan blinked a few times, before sighing shakily. "W-well, I skipped Identity and Vocation, and then I went to comp 1. T-hen I... I had l-lunch. Um... I had biology after that, b-but I had to leave early... cause I f-felt sick. I... I-I threw up in the bathroom, and then I came back... h-here."

Jared stopped to think for a moment. _That sounds pretty normal, nothing that could’ve caused this. He’s hiding something._

"Is there anything unusual you can think of that you did or that happened?"

“Um..." Evan thought for a moment. "Oh! I went to the Wellness center! T-hat's why I skipped Identity..."

"Okay...why'd you go there?"

"I had to get more medication... but they wouldn't g-give it to me... because I still h-have another week before my next ref-fill time."

_More medication? What? This makes no sense_

Jared gave Evan a confused look "Why did you ask for more meds then?"

"Because... B-because. I don't have anymore! It's all gone!" Evan tried to gasp, but it caught in his throat and instead he made a weird coughing sound before trying again. This time he did, but he had to gasp a few more times to catch his breath.

Jared shifted his hands back and forth, not knowing what to do. "Evan, what do you mean it's gone? Where is it?"

Evan looked down like he was thinking about it, then he sayid, "Vince, my roommate... he took it.

_What. The. FUCK._

Jared jumped to his feet, "WHAT?" he screamed out.

Evan looked scared now. "He said he needed money! He sold it! I'm sorry!" He jumped up as well, but his eyes widened, and he grabbed his head in pain. He let out a strangled yelp before falling back onto the bed awkwardly.

_That piece of shit._

Jared’s blood was boiling. He was furious. He didn’t know how to calm Evan down or how to get him the meds he needed, but he knew one thing – he would stop at nothing to see Vince brought to justice. Even if that meant beating him up himself.

He sat down next to Evan, his hand stroking his leg gently. "Hey, Ev, it's not your fault okay? I need you to understand that. It isn't your fault."

Evan groaned in pain, but he nodded and whispered, "O-okay... sorry.”

Jared nodded and took a moment to think. The only problem was, he couldn’t think rationally. He only wanted justice for Evan, he wanted to channel his anger, and the best way to do that that he could think of was finding Vince and beating the living hell out of him until he felt the same way Evan did.

"Hey, Ev, do you know where Vince is now by any chance?"

"N-no... I haven't seen him since this morning... I-" He cut off as another wave of pain hit his head, and squeezed his eyes shut to let out a small whine.

Jared's eyes were filled with worry. "Okay Ev, you just sit here and I'll go and fix this okay? Hang in there." Jared stood up from the bed and turned to leave.

Evan nodded, but when he did, he gasped, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head for just a few moments. He fell against the wall before his eyes opened again.

Jared turned around and saw Evan. _Fuck, I can’t go after Vince with Evan feeling so bad. I have to take care of him first_. 

Jared swiftly walked over to Evan’s bed, put one of his arms over his shoulders and picked him up. "Okay, there's no way I'm letting you stay here by yourself, I'm taking you to the ER.

Evan blinked a few times. "Oh...okay." He allowed Jared to help him out of bed and lead him along. 

The boys made their way outside, Evan barely conscious enough to walk, putting all of his weight on Jared. This would be a hilarious sight under different circumstances, as Evan is taller than Jared and Evan, despite his skinny figure, is surprisingly heavy, but the fact that Evan was about to die from a Xanax withdrawal made the situation less than funny. Jared kept cursing in his head all the way outside, but he kept it to himself, not wanting to make Evan feel like a burden.

He put Evan on a bench next to the parking lot and stopped to think for a second. _I can’t carry him to the ER, it’s too far away, we’d never make it. God damn it, Jared, why don’t you work out, then you’d be able to carry him!The bus makes Evan super anxious, that’s not a good idea either. Fuck, if only I had a car…a car! I know someone with a car!_

After a few minutes of pacing back and forth, seeing Evan get worse and worse, he got his phone out of the pocket and dialed a number.

"Yo, sup Jared?" a male voice answered at the end of the line.

"I need you in the parking lot and I need you here now. Don't ask, I'll explain later, just PLEASE trust me and come here. And run, we don't have much time." Jared said, his voice shaky. 

"Jared what the hell-"

Jared hung up the phone. He paced around impatiently waiting for his ride to come.

He looked over at Evan, who was as pale as a ghost, looking incredibly fragile on the bench. He looked like he would break at the smallest touch, his forehead covered in little drops of sweat. 

_Fuck, Evan, I can’t lose you, I can’t fucking lose you-_

Evan slowly opened his eyes and looked around. "What's goin’ on?" he muttered, confused.

Jared squatted so that his eyes were on Evan's level. "Luke's coming to take us to the ER. You just hang in there, okay?

Evan nodded slowly and closed his eyes.

After a few minutes of waiting, Luke finally showed up.

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!" Jared screamed out, rushing over to him, taking his hand so that he’d speed up.

"Jesus man, you gotta chill, what's going- hey what the hell's happening? What’s wrong with Evan?" Luke asked, worry audible in his voice. 

"I'll explain in the car, just help me put him in there and drive us to the nearest ER."

The boys picked Evan up, Jared grateful for Luke's muscles and his will to work out and put him in the car. They quickly made their way to the front and started driving.

Jared put his head into his arms and started to breathe heavily.

Luke looked over briefly before speaking. "So, will you tell me what's going on already?" 

Jared inhaled sharply before explaining the events that proceeded the ride to the ER. Luke let out a few gasps in the process. Jared finished right as they pulled over to the ER's parking lot.

Evan looked around. "What's... Where am I?"

The boys took him out of the car, putting each of his arms around one of them, taking him inside. 

"You're in the ER, buddy, remember? You're gonna be in good hands here. You’re gonna be okay." Jared assured him. Or was he really assuring himself?

They made their way to the front desk. "Hey, my friend here is having a Xanax withdrawal and is in really bad shape" Jared said, slightly out of breath.

The woman at the front desk looked at the three of them, and when her eyes fell on Evan, she started to look concerned. She reached over to an intercom and called for assistance.

“He'll be okay...right?" Jared asked, his voice shaky.

The woman nodded, but her eyes were filled with worry. "They'll do everything they can sweetie."

In less than a minute, two people came into the waiting room from the back with a hospital stretcher. They took Evan from Jared and Luke and carefully laid him onto it. Then they started wheeling him away.

Jared started to walk alongside them, with Luke right behind him. "He'll be okay, right? Nothing's going to happen to him?" he asked with worry.

A doctor came to stand in front of them. "Don't worry, we'll do everything we can to help your friend. You'll have to wait out here, but I'll come get you as soon as we can. Now, is he recovering from a Xanax addiction, or is he still supposed to be on it?"

Jared looked over the doctor's shoulder, looking at Evan being wheeled away. His heart ached at the sight. "He's supposed to be on it, he takes it for his anxiety and panic attacks.” 

“Okay, and what's his name?"

“Evan. Evan Hansen.” 

The doctor nodded, thanked them, and then walked away after Evan and closed the door.

Jared stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door. 

_I will kill the motherfucker that did this to him._

"I need you to do something for me, Luke."

"Anything."

"I need you to stay here and make sure he's okay. If ANYTHING changes, if they give you any sort of update, call me right away. And I also need the keys to your car."

Luke hesitated, "But Jared-"

"I don't want to hear it. I'm gonna go after that fucking asshole and I'm gonna beat him until he can no longer remember his own name." He opened his hand and gestured at his palm "Keys, please.” 

Luke thought for a moment and then looked at Jared "Jared, his roommate sounds like a person you don't want to mess around with. I know you're angry, but ending up in the ER as a patient won't help Evan. I can't let you go."

Jared threw his hands around in frustration "Well, you can't stop me, either!" he screamed out. He was determined to go by foot if necessary.

As Jared was about to leave, Luke sighed, picked Jared up and threw him over his shoulder

"What the fuck, Luke?! Damn you and your muscles!” Jared screamed out.

Luke didn’t say a word and carried Jared to the waiting room, placing him on one of the chairs. The people in the room seemed quite amused.

Luke sat down next to Jared and lowered his voice. "I don't care how angry and how powerful you think you are, Evan needs you here. Once he's fully conscious, he's gonna need to know you're here for him. Don't let him wake up to an empty room."

Jared inhaled sharply in a desperate attempt to keep himself from crying. He didn’t say anything. He put his head in his hands and focused on his breathing.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. Just a few days ago, he was thinking about Evan and how he missed him, but he didn’t want to seem desperate, so he didn’t text him. And now, Evan’s life was in danger, and if something were to happen to him, he would die thinking Jared only cared about him as a family friend. Jared couldn’t bear the thought of that. Couldn’t bear the thought of the boy he loved dying thinking no one loved him. 

The next two hours were excruciating. The only thing he managed to do was call Heidi and inform her of Evan’s condition. She was freaked out and couldn’t get out of work right away but promised to come as soon as she could. 

Jared felt like he was going insane. Luke kept trying to distract him, but it was no use. All Jared could do think about was Evan. And how he wouldn’t survive if anything happened to him.

Just as he was literally about to lose his sanity, the doors opened, and the doctor walked in.

Jared jumped out of his chair, waiting for the doctor to say something.

_Please be okay please be okay please be okay-_

"Your friend is stable. We've given him Xanax and some pain medication. I'll take you to his room. He's conscious, but very tired, so don't be too loud or badgering.”

Jared let out a breath he was holding. He gave Luke a relieved smile "Oh thank fucking God." he mumbled. He didn’t even believe in God but felt the need to thank him anyway. Just in case.

He began leading them through the doors and down the hallway. "He's lucky you brought him in when you did. We had to lower his blood pressure, and if he had been like that for much longer, he probably would've started having a seizure when we did, from the sudden shift. That's much more difficult and dangerous to manage.”

Jared smiled weakly at Luke "Thanks for helping me out, bro. I owe you."

"Don't even mention it. I got to carry you around which was pretty funny." Luke laughed.

He stopped for a moment. "Hey, Jared?" 

Jared looked at the doctor "Just a second." 

"What's up?" 

"I think I'm gonna go. I think Evan would prefer to be alone with you, not having to worry about talking to a relatively new person. If you need a ride back, just text me." Luke smiled. 

Jared thought for a moment and then nodded. He hugged Luke. "You're the best, Luke."

Luke pulled away and as he was walking away, he exclaimed "I know!" and gave Jared a thumbs up.

Jared rejoined with the doctor and made his way to Evan’s room.

Evan was lying on the hospital bed, hooked up to a heart monitor that was beeping steadily. He looked surprisingly small. He was staring up at the ceiling. When Jared entered, his eyes shifted to his direction, and he smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey, acorn." Jared couldn’t help but smile. It took everything he had to not run over to Evan and hug the shit out of him. Instead, he just sat down next to him on the chair that was next to his bed.

Evan was silent for a moment, before saying softly, "Guess I missed our tutoring session, huh?"

Jared chuckled, "Yeah, you might have to start paying me because this is not what I signed up for when I agreed to tutor you."

He looked at Evan. "How are you feeling?"

He sighed. "Tired. My head hurts a little. And I feel...sad."

Jared gave Evan a confused look, _Sad? Evan your life was just saved, you should be thankful._

He paused. “Why? Because of Vince? Don't worry, I'll take care of him with my super strength and my muscles." Jared said as he flexed his arms.

Evan laughed a little. "Thanks. I just kind of feel sad in general. No particular reason. I mean, I guess I feel sad about Vince, with what he did and everything. But I also feel sad that like, I wasn't able to keep it together. It was only about a week's worth he took, and I couldn't even last a day."

Jared put his hand on the rim of Evan's bed. "Evan, if you had cancer, missed a day's worth of chemo… meds, and then broke down the way you did today, would you still feel bad?"

"Probably not..."

"Then why is this different?" Jared asked.

He didn’t let him answer, "Exactly. It's not. It's an illness and if you stop treating it, it acts out. It's normal and it's not your fault."

Evan nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Jared laughed. "Well of course I'm right! I'm the insanely cool Jared Kleinman, I'm always right."

Evan laughed, and the heart monitor he was hooked up to showed a spike. Evan looked nervous. "Whoops, I hope they don't think I just had a heart attack.”

_What the fuck did just happen_

Jared's eyes widened when he saw the monitor. His face was suddenly bright red, and he looked down, avoiding Evan’s eyes. "I'm pretty sure one small spike on the heart monitor doesn't equal a heart attack, Evan."

He cleared his throat "Anyway...I guess I should get going? I still have an asshole to beat up."

"Don't be too hard on Vince. He didn't know I wouldn't be able to get a refill.

Jared looked at Evan in disbelief. "He took your meds, Evan. It doesn't matter if you were able to get a refill or not. That's just a shitty thing to do."

He stood up, "Well, I'll be on my way. Unless you want me to stay with you." Jared winked and turned around to leave. 

_Please ask me to stay with you_

"Wait, can't you stay a little longer?" he said, before looking embarrassed. "I mean, sorry I guess you probably have stuff do. never mind."

_Fuck yeah!_

Jared turned around and looked at Evan, "You...uh...alright. Sure. Why not. Whatever. I guess beating Vince up can wait." Jared said and gave Evan a shy smile.

He sat down next to him. Evan's heart monitor spiked again, and he blushed. "Oh, okay. Thank you. If you're sure you don't have anything... better to do."

_Did his heart monitor just spike again....holy fucking shit…oh my god… okay, no, this is probably just in my head, it doesn’t mean anything, the heart monitor’s probably faulty or something_

Jared put his hands into his lap, his cheeks red, looking down.

"Yeah, uh...whatever...I'd probably confront Vince and end up in the ER myself, so you know...sitting here in safety kinda beats that...but it's whatever"

"Anyway uh..." Jared cleared his throat "I'm gonna go get some Doritos from the vending machine. You want anything?"

Evan stared at Jared for a moment, before saying, "I don't think that's allowed..."

Jared gave him a sly look, "I'm a rebel. I smuggle food into hospital rooms for a living."

Evan rolled his eyes. "Of course you do." He paused. "I'll have a bag of sun chips."

Jared gasped, "Evan Hansen breaking the rules? I never thought I'd see the day." he said, and left the room.

He made his way to the vending machine, took out his wallet out of his pocket as he heard a familiar voice say: "Jared!" it was Heidi, who was running over to him. 

"Ms. Hansen! Hi!"

"Where's Evan? Is he okay?" she cried out, looking terrified. 

"Hey, hey, everything's fine, he's fine. He's right through those doors if you want to talk to him."

She visibly relaxed, "Oh, thank goodness! I'm so glad you were there to take him. I didn't know you two reconnected."

Jared shuffled his feat. "Yeah, it's uh…it's a recent thing, but yeah. I was supposed to tutor him math today but I found him in a bad state so I took him to the ER."

She nodded. "Well thank you so much! I just don't understand what happened. He's always been very dedicated when it came to his medication."

Jared was silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. "Yeah, I uh...I think you should ask him about that."

Heidi nodded and after finding out Evan's room number went to see him. 

Jared wanted to give them some privacy and so he stood by the vending machine, eating his Doritos.

Having finished two small bags of Doritos, Jared figured enough time had passed and made his way into the room, hiding a bag of sun chips under his shirt.

On his way over, he faintly heard Heidi yell, "WHAT?!"

He stopped before opening the door. He didn’t want to interrupt the conversation, and also didn’t want to walk away and possibly have them hear him, so he just stood there, involuntarily eavesdropping. 

"I just can't believe... what kind of person does that?!" Heidi was seething. "Did you try to get more?"

Evan said, "Yes, I went to the Wellness centre and told them my last bottle was gone. They asked how when it was before the refill date and... I told them I didn't know. They thought I was lying, and said that because of the stuff in my file, I couldn't have access to that much extra medication."

“Well why didn't you tell them what happened?" Heidi said.

There was silence for a few moments, before Heidi sighed. "Well, thank you for telling me at least." A kissing sound was heard. "I'll sort this out Evan, don't worry"

Footsteps were heard coming close to the door.

Jared panicked and opened the door to the room, missing Heidi by a mere inch "Oh! I'm sorry Ms. Hansen, I didn't know you were coming out.”

"That's fine Jared. You can go in and talk to him now. I have to make a call." she walked down the hallway.

Jared sat down next to him yet again, "Did you tell your mom what happened?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, she was pretty upset about it."

Jared nodded. "Hey, I uh…I was about to enter the room when I heard yousay something, and...well...I'm just gonna ask. What do you mean they thought you were lying because of the stuff in your file? What stuff? What's that about?"

Evan's eyes widened, and he stared at Jared. "Um... I uh..." he searched for something to say, but then sighed.

"So, after the whole Connor Project thing, things were... really hard..." 

Jared raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing.

"My mom found out what happened, with the letter and me faking a friendship with Connor, so we were kind of both working through it. A few weeks after that... she looked at my internet history... since I always closed my computer when she came in." 

"What, did you have some weird porn on it or something?" Jared joked, "I knew you were kinky! Is it a foot fetish? I bet it's a foot fetish.”

Evan shook his head. "No, I..." he stopped and got a little choked up. He took a deep breath.

"Well? You what?" Jared asked impatiently.

"She found... a search I had made... for..." he paused, and then said quickly, "I googled how many Xanax pills it takes to overdose."

_Oh my god._

Jared stiffened up "WHAT?" He squealed, "I-I mean...God, Evan, that's horrible.“

“I told her I wasn't a-actually considering... doing that, and I w-wasn't! I was just... curious... But then she asked me to look her in the eye and tell her that would never, EVER do something like that... and I... I couldn't do it." When Evan finished, he let out a sob.

Jared's frozen. He's trying to process what he just heard. He tried to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words to say. His heart ached, he felt nauseous and he felt like crying, too. Evan was such an incredible human being, someone Jared adored, and the thought of him feeling so bad, the thought of him wanting to die…it broke Jared’s heart into a thousand pieces. 

He took a deep breath and before he could talk himself out of it, he put his arms around Evan and pulled him into an awkward embrace.

Evan stiffened in surprise for a moment, and as his crying faded away, he leaned into the embrace like it was a lifeline.

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll arrange a date for you and Luke and make sure he's extra clingy." Jared said, still hugging the other boy.

Evan nodded and laid his head on Jared's shoulder.

_I never want to let you go_

They stayed like that for a while. Jared couldn’t find the strength to let go.

He eventually did as he cleared his throat, blushing like a crazy person.

He cleared his throat multiple more times before speaking "Just uh...don't kill yourself and all that shit, y'know...It'd take ages before I found another weirdo who's obsessed with trees," he punched Evan in the arm playfully.

_I wouldn’t survive without you_

Evan tearily laughed, "Okay."

Suddenly, a nurse ran in, looking worried. "Is everything okay in here? Your heat rate keeps spiking!"

Jared didn't realize how close he still was to Evan but when the nurse came in, he jumped up and took 2 steps back, "Everything's great! Just two bros chilling!"

The nurse looked from one boy to the other, then sighed. “Okay. Well anyway, visiting hours are just about over. Evan has to stay overnight just to be safe, but you can pick him up tomorrow.”

Jared was disappointed but tried to hide it. "Oh, sure. I'll leave soon."

"Oh, by the way..." Jared pulled out a bag of sun chips that had been sandwiched between the two boys," I hope you didn't think that was my dick or something, because that'd be super gay."

Evan smirked. "I was wondering what was making that crunching noise down there."

Jared grinned, "If my dick made a crunching noise, I'd have a tattoo on my forehead that'd say My dick makes a crunching noise."

"Anyway...I should go before the nurse kicks me out."

"Okay... see you later..."

"I'll come pick you up tomorrow, okay?”

"Yeah? I mean, yeah."

Jared raised an eyebrow at him "I mean you _can_ walk back to campus if you want."

"No, driving's fine." Evan says with a grin.

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, Ev." Jared says with a smile as he leaves, hearing the heart monitor spike one last time.

When he got to the hallway, Heidi was there, and she just got off the phone.

“Hey Ms. Hansen. Everything okay?"

She turned around. "Oh, Jared. Yes, I just got off the phone for a second time with the school. When I told them about Vince, security searched the room. They found drugs hidden behind his television set. Apparently, that's what he needed money for. He's been expelled, and when he's found, he'll be arrested."

Jared put his hand into a fist and punched the air in celebration. He then realized what he'd just done and put his hands into the pockets of his jeans awkwardly. "T-that's good! Great! He got what he deserved."

"Yes, I agree." Heidi said, and then turned to go, but then turned around. "Do you want me to give you a ride back to campus?"

"Oh, I don't want to be a bother."

She waved her hand, "Oh, it's no trouble. I'm actually heading over there myself." she winked "Just to make sure everything gets taken care of."

"Well, okay then...Thanks!" Jared smiled at her.

Jared followed Heidi out to her car, and they both got in. She started the car, and they headed back to the campus.

The car ride was silent, but Heidi and Jared have known each other long enough for it not to be uncomfortable. Heidi parked in front of the front office. When they got out, Heidi went inside. Jared was about to follow, when he saw Vince sitting on a bench right outside. A security officer was nearby, but was distracted by his intercom, no doubt contacting the authorities.

Jared stood there for a while, frozen. He felt the anger course through his veins. He didn’t know what to do. Before he could think his actions through, he started rushing over to Vince.

As soon as he reached him, he put all the anger, frustration and fear he had gathered throughout the day and punched Vince in the face as hard as he could.

He took a few steps back, shaking his fist in pain.

"That was for Evan you fucking asshole."

The security officer turned around and said, "Hey, what's going on?"

Jared put his hands behind his back "Nothing." he said, looking down at Vince. "Nothing at all."

Vince rubbed his face, and looked down, mumbling, "How was I supposed to know he couldn't get a refill?"

"You shouldn't take people's meds in the first place you fucking psycho. Maybe be a decent fucking human being."

Vince scoffed. "What, like you?"

"No. Better." Jared said and turned to leave.

Vince sighed. "I'm sorry okay? Can you just... tell Evan that?"

Jared turned around and scoffed. "Fuck off, Vince." he said as he left.

He made his way to the front office, looking for Heidi. She was in the middle of speaking to another security officer. "There must be some way. I don't want Evan being alone, especially after this!" The security officer shook his head. "I'm sorry, we don't have any new students coming at this point, someone already enrolled would have to request a room change, and everyone's settled in already."

Jared's heart started beating faster and faster at the proposition he was about to make. He approached Heidi and the security officer.

He cleared his throat, "Uh...I could be Evan's roommate, so he wouldn't be alone, if you think it's a good idea Ms. Hansen. And if he'd uh want me to and all that..."

Heidi turned Acorn, and after a moment, tears started to come to her eyes. "Yes, that would be perfect! Oh Jared, thank you so much!" She gave Jared a hug.

Jared stiffened up a bit before hugging Heidi back, "Yeah, it's uh...no biggie. It's whatever, really."

The security officer looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, I guess I can make the arrangements for the change, if you're sure that's what you want."

Jared wasn't sure at all. "Yeah, that'd be great."

“Alright, you can get your stuff and move in tomorrow," he said, "If, Evan agrees of course." he added.

Jared let out an involuntary squeal "Tomorrow? Already?" he cleared his throat "Sure. I'll go text him.”

Heidi smiled. "Oh, I'm sure he'll agree. He loves Jared so much. They've been friends for years!"

Jared blushed at the word "loves" "I'm uh, gonna go pack. Bye Ms. Hansen! See you around."

She waved and turned back to the security officer. When Jared stepped outside, the other officer and Vince were gone.

He made his way to his room and opened the door to find Brody looking through a textbook on his desk. He said hi casually and sat down on his bed, preparing to text Evan. He figured he’d make sure Evan wanted to be his roommate before he told Vince. 

**Memelord: Hey acorn, your mom wants us to be roommates now that vince is gone, is that cool?**   
****

**Acorn: Wait what??**

**Memelord: Chill out, Ill go tell her you dont agree and youll have a room for yourself instead**

**Acorn: No no, it's just... what about your roommate?**

**Memelord: Well, we dont get along that well anyways, im sure hed rather not have a roommate**

**Acorn: But... are you sure that's what you want? If my mom put you up to this, I can convince her to not make you. I mean, I'm not gonna try anything if that's what she thinks**

**Memelord: Im cool with it if you are, but if you dont want to, ill go tell her youd rather be alone**

**Acorn: No... I'm cool with it.**

**Memelord: Cool**

**Acorn: Wait, what do you mean Vince is gone? You two didn't kill him did you?!**

**Memelord: We did**

**Acorn: nooooooo**

**Memelord: we freed the earth of a scum, its okay**

**Acorn: Yeah yeah, I kind of feel bad for him though**

**Memelord: you're too nice for your own good**

**Acorn: Aw, thanks**

**Memelord: That wasn't a compliment!!**

**Acorn: Whatever. The nurse is prying the phone from my hands, says I have to "sleep" whatever that is. Bye!**

**Memelord: Bye acorn**

Jared took a deep breath. _Alright, so now I gotta tell Brody_  
 ****

“Hey Brody?” Jared asked hesitantly. 

“Sup?” Brody didn’t even bother to look up.

“Look, I don’t want you to think this is personal, because it isn’t, but…I’m gonna be moving rooms.” 

This made Brody look at Jared. “What? Why?” 

“Well, my friend Evan had a rather…traumatic experience with his last roommate, who was expelled and his mom doesn’t want him to be alone so she suggested I move in with him. Is that okay? I agreed to it because I figured you’d rather have the room to yourself anyway.” 

Brody was silent for a moment. “Sure. I mean, at least this way I can hang out with Luke in private.” 

Jared smiled at Brody. “So you two worked things out?” 

Brody smiled back at Jared. “Well, we’re gonna try to make it work. Having a private place to hang out at is a good start, so I don’t mind at all. And we’ll see each other anyways, since, ya know, I’m dating your friend now…so…yeah. Don’t worry about it dude, no hard feelings.” 

Jared grinned. “Alright. Just remember to use protection.” He said with a wink.

Brody just rolled his eyes at the remark and returned his attention to his textbook. Jared laid in bed for a while, exhausted from the day’s events, but he figured he’d have to start packing eventually. 

He’d only packed about half of his things before he was too tired to move. He quickly brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas, and with the fear and excitement of being Evan’s roommate mixed together, drifted into peaceful sleep. 


	20. Jeremy Heere: The Storm

Jeremy awoke with a start, groaning. _Another nightmare._ But, thinking back, he couldn’t remember any of it. Except for a redheaded lady. When he tried to sit up, he felt a sharp pain in his neck. Well, that's what he got for sleeping in an odd position. Wait, where was he sleeping? Looking over, he saw Michael, sound asleep right next to where Jeremy was sitting. Then, realizing, he felt his face burn up. He was sleeping on Michael! Jumping back, he felt himself accidentally hit his friend. "Oh God. Please don't wake up." He muttered.

Michael stirred, and his eyes opened for a moment, and then they closed and he didn’t wake up. Jeremy let out a sigh of relief and stood up quietly. Looking down at the other, he smiled and said, "You're adorable," before freezing.

_Why'd I say that?_

At the sound of his voice, Michael stirred again and opened his eyes. This time, they stayed open and he sat up. “W-whaa...?” He said sleepily.

 _Shit._ He woke him up. "N-Nothing!" Jeremy jumped back, groaning at the sudden shock of pain in his neck. He hated having a stiff neck. Hopefully this one wouldn’t stick for very long.

Michael stretched. “I had the weirdest dream,” He stopped it. Good. “I was on a ship with Han Solo, and chewy kept kept hitting on me.”

Looking down at his friend, Jeremy smiled. _Michael was pretty hot..._ Wait… He laughed slightly, but still in an awed sort of state, he muttered, "No wonder." He mentally slapped himself once hearing the words come out of his mouth.

Michael glared at Jeremy, but with a humorous glint in his eye, "Why? Do I strike you as his type?”

_Oh. OH! He thought- no! That’s not- I didn’t-!_

Realizing what he said, and how Michael interpreted it, he hurried to explain himself, "I didn't mean it that way!”

"Sure you didn't." Michael laughed, and then shrugged. "My love life is about as existent and likely as his anyway, so I might as well be his type."

Jeremy frowned, "And why do you say that?"

"Well, I've literally never been in a relationship before, making it nonexistent, And the likelihood of this," he said, gesturing to himself. "Attracting anyone other than a hairy brown gorilla is... well... unlikely."

Jeremy felt his heart shatter. _He...He didn’t think himself good enough for others? No! They weren’t good enough for him!_

Jeremy stared at him, still frowning, "Oh come on. You're plenty lovable!"

Michael laughed uncomfortably. "Well, thanks I guess." He didn’t believe a word Jeremy said. Knowing a person for as long as they’ve known each other, allows one to know.

He glared, “You don't believe me.."

"Sure I do! My lovable...ness can be clearly seen by the many friends and lovers I've had... Oh wait!" Michael said sarcastically.

Jeremy mentally rolled his eyes. _Michael didn’t need any lovers or many friends to show how lovable he is!_

Jeremy sat beside him, right where he'd woken up and said, “Michael, you don't need to have had a lover for people to see how lovable and attractive you are. I mean, seriously!" _Really, Michael was attractive._

Michael looked uncertain for a moment, before he smirked, "Do you think I'm attractive Jeremy?" he wiggled his eyebrows. Jeremy looked surprised at the sudden remark and his face started to turn red again. He couldn't answer.

_I mean, sure, Michael’s pretty good looking. He’s adorable when he sleeps. Wait- change pretty good looking to pretty hot. He was. He was also ver- Wait, where’s these thoughts come from!?_

Michael cracked up, “Don't worry, I’ll try not to seduce you with my 'ravishing' good looks and eyebrow twirling skills." He stood, "Anyway, we should probably get ready for class. You fill out that personality assessment yet?"

Jeremy was too focused on what he had just been thinking about that he didn’t even really listen to him, so it took him a few seconds before he realized he was asked a question, "O-Oh! Yeah.."

"Yep. I'd say it's one of the longest personality tests I've ever taken. A little more in depth than 'what soda would you be'. Apparently, I'm an unwavering, improvising extrovert with a reluctant mindset. Whatever all that means." Jeremy laughed.

"Yeah, real funny. Anyway, class starts in ten minutes, and we don't want to be late again." Michael grabbed some clothes and goes into the bathroom to change. Jeremy nodded and, due to Michael taking his normal changing area, he grabbed his own clothes and changed in their room.

Within a few minutes, Jeremy and Michael were on their way to class. They walked in and sat down. Soon, the teacher came up to the front. "Alright everyone. I hope you all brought your assessments. You can turn them in after class. But now, we have someone who has graciously agreed to speak to you. The creator of this assessment, Leslie Yada. Give her a hand everybody." Everyone in the room started clapping, some more enthusiastic than others. Jeremy was not one of those people. Why would he be? This was, by far the worst class.

A middle aged woman with fiery red hair tied back in a neat bun walked up to the front, smiling. "Hello everyone! I hope you all thoroughly enjoyed taking the assessment. I wanted to make it applicable to each unique personality type, so that no one would feel like their results fell short. There are extraverts and introverts of course, but there are also many sub categories to that. You can be analytical, affirming, unwavering, pioneering, energizing, and many more. All of the different results came together uniquely to fit each of you, and I think that's beautiful.”

Jeremy groaned slightly, before muttering, sarcastically, "Yeah. Beautiful. Not exactly what was said last week..." Michael nodded, agreeing with him. Despite what he had said, Jeremy hoped this week was nothing like last week.

Everything seemed okay so far. After that introduction, she spent the next ten minutes talking about how many colleges she'd been asked to speak at, and how quickly her personality assessment became widely recognized by scholars and psychologists, and started to be used by millions of people recreationally and academically. Then she went into each result and explained what it meant for the person who got it. She went pretty in depth, and the results actually turned out to be rather accurate.

"Huh, this is actually kind of cool." Michael whispered.

Jeremy nodded, surprised, "Yeah. It kinda is." It was nothing like last week! Which was great!

“Now that you have these results,” she continued. “How can they be useful to you? Well, when we’re more aware of ourselves, we can better understand others. We can understand their reactions to our behaviors that seem natural to us, and get a better understanding of their behaviors that seem strange to us. This can help you form better relationships with people.” Jeremy stayed quiet through what she was saying, however he felt odd. Something was off. Way off. Like, turning-into-last-week off.

"Relationships are a huge part of human society. Romantic, platonic, business, any relationship you form will leave an impact on you, and the other person, be it good or bad. We must have an understand of ourselves to have an understanding of others. It's also important to form relationships for the right reasons." She said. Jeremy still had the weird feeling, lingering.

"...right reasons?" Jeremy muttered in confusion. _What does that mean?_ He was worried.

"Sometimes, people who are lost, and don't have an understanding of themselves will form relationships as a way to find themselves or to have someone to lean on and 'save them'. While is is a nice sentiment, this can be very dangerous. All that will come from these relationships is hurt and feeling more lost. What's more, you can bring another person down with you. Resolving personal issues such as mental instability and insecurity is not a good reason to start any kind of relationship. In fact, I believe it's better to form relationships when you're in a positive place of understanding with yourself."

Out of the corner of his eye, Jeremy noticed Michael's face go pale, and his mouth open in shock. Jeremy himself, froze. She was saying what he thought she was. He didn't even realize he was holding his breath until he couldn't breathe. Even then, he wouldn’t.

“It's important to solves these personal issues before forming relationships. Thankfully, there are many resources you can look at both here and on my website. I'm sure many of you have issues that make you think you're broken, but we can fix that."

Jeremy jumped back at her last words. 'We can fix that.' They kept playing back in his head, his own voice shifting into a hauntingly familiar one. Despite not being able to breathe a few seconds earlier, he started to breathe a little too much, basically hyperventilating. He jumped up, out of his seat and rushed out of the room, not caring about all of the weird glances he must have gotten from people. The voice wouldn't stop speaking now. It wouldn’t shut up.

‘We can fix that.’

Jeremy was leaning against the wall, trying to keep his balance. They were simple words. Why'd he freak out? No one else freaks out at one simple phrase like that. He heard footsteps behind him, but, already knowing who it was, he didn’t turn around.

“What’s going on?” Michael asked, concerned. _God, he couldn’t just tell him!_

"Sh-she...SQUIP...fix..." He tried to explain through broken breaths. _It’s what she said!_

Michael’s eyes widened. “Is it back? I have Mountain Dew red back at the room, should I go get it?!” _Why did he have so much?_

Jeremy shook his head, "No...she just..."

“Just what?!” Michael looked panicked. Of course he did. Despite everything, Jeremy wanted to smile at his friends kindness. But he couldn’t.

Jeremy looked up at him and said one thing, “'W-We'll fix...that...'" He hated saying it and he hoped Michael understood what it meant, because he was not saying it again.

Michael shook his head, confused, “I don’t understand. What can I do?!” _I’m just having a panic attack! There’s nothing you can do!_

His eyes started filling with tears in frustration, before yelling, "I don't know!"

Michael took Jeremy’s hands and stared at him. “Well, if you’re hearing it again, just uh... focus on me.” Jeremy wasn’t actually hearing a thing. It wasn’t back. It wasn’t there. Yet. Michael squeezed Jeremy’s hands and the two continued to stare at each other.  Michael took deep, slow breaths, to calm down. Jeremy tried breathing along with him, attempting to calm down as well, when a faint voice was heard in the back of his mind.

J̡̭̖͙̥̝̩͇-̥͓̟͖̜̮͞J̧̹̤̘͚̱e̡͇͙̯̬ͅr̞̹̻͍̯͓͖͠.͎͠.̣̬̯̤͡.͚͚̩̣͙̪́e̢̻͈̯̯̦̻m̪̗͔͡.̀.̭̻̻y͟.̲͕̟͈̦͡ .̙̱͍̮

 

He froze.  _Oh God. It is back. It’s back!_ Jeremy wanted to scream, to run, to do...anything to get away from it! But it was in his brain. In two ways rather than one. Even if it was gone, it’d still be there, embedded in his memories, the pain staying as well.

Michael must have seen Jeremy freak out and it looked like he was trying not to panic along with him, "You're fine Jeremy. Just pay attention to my voice. Don't let it drown me out." Jeremy didn’t want it to block Michael again. That caused them both pain, and despite how much the other reassured him, Jeremy knew he still wasn’t over what he did to him.

Jeremy kept focusing on him, not wanting to turn away, until it spoke again,

I̷͖͙̻'̝͇̳̪̩̬̞͜m̯̗̞̀ ̨̮͕̰͚̺s҉̰̲̗t͉̫̙̣͓i̩̥͚̺̱l͍̪̮̙l̨͇̼̦.̹͈̩.̟̰.̯̩̘̤̰h̴̰̬-͖̮͙h̻é̩͉̠̹̥r͢ę̼.̼͖͠.̨.̭̟͈̟I̤̲̳̤̰͉̖ ̫̝à̞l͎w̶a͇͕̩̙͙͈͜y͡s͕̳̫̰͇̻.͍͎̠̬͉̥.̙̱́.̼w̼̕i̩̞̖ͅ-̱̖̘͖̯̪ẃ̳̹i̝̜͢lḽ̫̙͇̱̲̹ ͕͕̪͚̦̪̙b͈͙̱̬̰͡e͖.̫̙́.̵͈̜̲͈̣͖̟

 

He looked away from Michael, subconsciously. It was too weird for it to be talking while he was looking at Michael. It never allowed Jeremy to see him, hurting both of them. And Jeremy felt terrible. He just wanted to scream a blood curdling scream, as it tore him limb from limb, ripping him apart. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but sit back and watch. He couldn’t even cry. Everything was too...numb.

"No!" Michael shouted, breaking Jeremy out of his trance. He felt Michael grab his face, "Don't lea- Don't look away." _Dont...what?_

Jeremy flinched away, hitting his head against the back if the wall. He groaned as the S- as it spoke up,

S͙̜̼̳̞̹̝e̖e͖̳̙͔̹̥͎͞.̰̞̭̞̗̥.̨̪̮̹̮.̶̞̫̠h̝͚͝ͅ-̷̭̟ͅh̤̩e̼̤̠ͅ ̠͙͉̬͍h̷̞̳u͚̩̤͈r̩͓̜t͙̞̜̦̺͞ ̝͖y͏͔̦̩͍̭o̷͙̻̦u̯̥ͅ.͉͓̠.̧͍̖͈̳̳.͙̮͈͎̹̯͉̕

 

But he didn’t mean it!

T̘͇͕̪̞͖h̖̹́a͔͎̥̥̜ͅt̫͉̖͓̣’̺̘̪̲̠s̢̖̲.̟̱͘.̥͎̕.̸̳͉̪̜n-̸͚͓ó̗̩̫̮̬͕̭t́ ͠i̸m̸̦͕̣p͍̙̫͙͖̖̝ọ̞̫͍̟ͅr̶͍͔͔͓̹͓t̳͍ͅa̻̩̞̤͇̬͞n̷͓t̷.̘͙͖̞̜ͅͅ.̹̖

 

Yes it is!

Before Jeremy could fight anymore with it, Michael spoke up, "Are you okay? I'm sorry Jeremy, you just... you can't let it take over again. Okay?" Jeremy wanted to nod, but he couldn’t. It was like...Michael wasn’t even there.

D̳̫̜͚̖̖̼-̥͇̼͙d̵̘̬̖̝̰̦ǫ̫͔͍̝̥̘ń͉͕’̵̙ṯ̼͉̖̱̤̦ l͍͉̟͍͈̮͡iş̦̹͇tę̟̜͇̲̻̝͕n̻̳͖ͅ.̯̹̕.̝̮̯͉.̤̭͉t̷̪̘̪o͕̜̗̱̱̦̤ ͍͎͓͕̞̖h̼͍̝͇̻̙̭i҉m̮.̸̤̤̦̱̫ ̝̣͕̯͕̙͟ͅI̬ ͎̘͉̘̱̹͘c̮̦̙̱̟̠a̹͖n̡͉̣̼ ͈̲̪h̰͖̙̲͍̦̭͝-̲̪̰͚̳̝̤h҉e̻͚l̸̮̣p͠.͕͚͍̮͡

 

Jeremy yelled, to drown it out, “SHUT UP!” But then realized his mistake. Michael couldn’t hear the SQ- it! So, he might have thought it was for him. _But it wasn’t!_ Michael stepped back. _No, Michael! It’s not for you!_

 "That's right. Good. Drown it out." Once hearing the words come from Michael's mouth, Jeremy mentally sighed in relief. He realized it wasn’t for him. Jeremy paused to see if it was still there but when nothing responded, he cried out, and wrapped his arms around Michael, not minding if he was basically squeezing the life out of him. He didn’t know why he was all of a sudden so clingy at the start of college, but right now he didn’t mind. He’d just have to apologize later.

Michael gasped in surprise when Jeremy hugged him, but he held on to the other, tight, "Oh my god, are you okay?" he asked. Jeremy didn’t want to lie anymore. So he shook his head.

Michael sighed but he didn’t break the hug, "Do you... want to go decompress somewhere? Like the coffee shop or something?" Jeremy, still unable to speak, nodded.

Michael led Jeremy away from the wall and to the coffee shop. When they got there, he sat Jeremy down at one of the tables, after buying to Italian sodas, and then sitting down himself in the other chair. He twirled his straw awkwardly, before saying, "Well, you wanna get a pic of your cup for instagram?" Jeremy laughed and shrugged. He could speak now, but for some reason his body refused to.

Michael smiled sipping his drink, "Are you feeling better now?"

“Yeah. It just... It was there again...it never left.” Jeremy hadn’t touched his drink, not really wanting to.

Michael looked concerned, "But it's weak, right? I mean, it can't get control or do anything unless you tell it to, right?"

“Yeah.” _And I don’t want it to._

Michael sighed, "Well... good. See? If that happens again, just remember that. It doesn't have power anymore, you know?"

“Yeah but, still. Thank you. Really.”

"Well, yeah. I mean I wasn't just going to let you stay out there alone."

“Yeah, I figured.” Jeremy only half lied. Half of him knew he was going to come out there and help him, but the other half kept telling him no. He wasn’t going to. Why would he help? Why should he help? Jeremy has done nothing but hurt him.

Michael nodded and continued to sip his drink, "So that lecture went downhill pretty fast." he commented. Jeremy mentally thanked him for getting somewhat off topic. But he felt like he should probably tell him why he freaked out in the first place.

“Yeah. Oh, I never told you why I freaked out huh? It wasn’t even The SQUIP.” ‘It’s stupid’ he refrained from adding.

Michael cocked his head, "Really? What was it then?"

“That teacher. She said ‘We-‘,” Jeremy said he wouldn’t say it again, so he’s not going to,” She said something the SQUIP said often.”

Michael hummed in understanding. "Gotcha. Well, try not to pay attention to her. Somehow the lecture was full of more bs than last week."

Jeremy laughed slightly, "Didn't think that was possible."

"Yeah. This is literally the worst class ever."

"God, it's making so many things worse."

"I know! It really messes with you."

"It does." He frowned before mentally face palming, "We just left. The class just started..." he felt so stupid. He left in the- not even the middle of class!

"Well, I have a feeling we didn't miss much. At least, not anything useful. Besides, I can ask Peter if we missed any assignments. One class missed won't make a difference."

“True.” A moment of silence passed between the two, before Jeremy spoke up, quietly, “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.” Why’d he say that? Oh, right. Michael was too good of a person to have to be dragged down by Jeremy, a little piece of shit who just gave him up once given the chance of popularity. He threw his only genuine friendship in the garbage for a few “fake” friendships. Granted, they all were real friends now, but then, it wasn’t.

Michael frowned, "No you're not. The SQUIP situation really affected you. It's no wonder that things that bring the memories are hard to handle."

Jeremy shook his head, smiling sadly, "No no. I'm just overreacting."

"It's not. I'm still affected by what happened too, and I didn't even have a SQUIP!" _That’s my point!_

"Exactly! I did that to you!"

Michael shook his head. "It was the SQUIP Jeremy. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you took it!"

"Still. I hurt you even when I knew what I was doing." He didn't want to bring up the bathroom incident. That brought too many bad memories. From Michael, Chloe, and even the house fire. He didn’t want to dwell on that for both of them.

"But you came back after. After the incident, you still had those friends you made because of the SQUIP. You could've left me after it was all over, but you didn't." Michael was right. He could have. But he never would.

“I'm still sorry."

Michael nodded, "I know. I already forgave you." But, to Jeremy it didn’t feel like he had at all.

“Why?”

"Because..." Michael paused, and after a moment, his eyes widened. "Oh god..." he muttered.

Jeremy eyes widened as well, "What..?" He asked, worried.

Michael looked like he was thinking about something, his eyes moving back and forth. Then, slowly standing to his feet, he said, “I... I didn't... I'm sorry, I have go. I'll see you later... okay?" He turned around, threw his cup into the trash, and walked off.

Jeremy looked at him, sadness filling his eyes, “O-Oh...okay.." Jeremy finished whatever was left of his drink, tossed it, and just waited until his next class. Or, well, until he was kicked out. He had Comp 1 next. Entering the classroom, he was extremely quiet. One of Max and Kylee’s friends, who he frequently saw them talking to in the halls, waved at him, but he avoided them. Once sitting, he looked down, avoiding everyone.

However, right before class started, someone ran in, breathing heavily. Noticing it, Jeremy looked up to see Evan. He wanted to see if he was okay, but he couldn’t. Not now. As the class went on, Evan started tapping his pencil on the desk. After awhile of doing this, someone turned to him, irritated, and whispered for him to stop. He did, and instead tapped his finger on his leg, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

_It’s now or never._

Jeremy looked over to him, and whispered, “Are you okay?”

Evan snapped his head in Jeremy's direction quickly, as if startled. _Shit._ Then he sighed and nodded, "Yeah, I'm good." _He’s not telling the truth. What’s wrong?_

“No wait. Now it’s my turn to say that I know when you’re lying.”

Evan gave him a small smile, "It's nothing." he whispered. "I'm just...feeling a little-" he was interrupted by the teacher calling his name. She wanted him to read the slide that was on the screen. 

He took a deep breath and read, "The th-th-three rhetorical appeals are P-Pathos, Logos and Ethos… as n-named by… by Aristotle." He looked down at his desk, face looking more red than pale now. Probably because of the stuttering. He was fine last week. What happened?

"Anxious..." he whispered to Jeremy, finishing what he had been saying to him.

Jeremy felt bad for him, “Oh. Yeah, anxiety’s terrible.” His thoughts traveled back to earlier that day. He froze, before shaking his head. Evan nodded, and stayed silent for the rest of the class, although he continued to look uncomfortable. As soon as the class was over, he was up and out the door before Jeremy could even stand.

Jeremy jumped up and ran after him. “Evan!” But when he got to the hallway, Evan was nowhere to be found. He sighed and turned the other direction. He had lunch next, and he was starving.

Max had sat with him at lunch, bringing a notebook with her. She wrote in it ‘Kylee has class.’

“Oh, okay.” That’s how they spoke. Max knew he didn’t understand sign language yet, so she wrote everything down. Her handwriting was pretty neat too, so he could definitely read it. Either way, thy didn’t talk much.

Sometime after lunch, Jeremy had Drama. As soon as he walked in the door, Christine pelted him with questions.

“I saw what happened in Identity. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He didn’t have to tell her the whole truth. Just what she wanted to hear.

“Are you sure? What happened?” Worry was in her eyes.

“It’s okay. I just...kinda freaked out.” Before she could even question him on that, the professor spoke up, signaling the start of class. Christine was very mobile that day. More than usual. Jeremy wondered what was up. He could ask her at the end of class but then again, she’d probably ask about the I+V incident even more.

So, once class was over, he bolted out of the room, reminding him of what Evan did earlier. He felt terrible. He was being so rude to Christine. He just hoped she wouldn’t mind too much. As he was heading back to his dorm to pick up his chemistry textbooks, he heard his phone buzz. Grabbing it, he saw one text message.

**Dramaqueen: its back isn’t it?**

He ignored her.

Later that night, Jeremy walked into his and Michael’s room. Michael was at his desk, a laptop and textbook open.

Michael looked up when Jeremy walked in. He cleared his throat, “Um, hey."

"H-Hey...”

"I'm sorry for just leaving you like that. And right after that freak out too. Were you okay?"

“Yeah...but, why’d you leave..?” Jeremy asked. He wanted to know.

Michael looked down, "Um... it's kind of complicated. I just... I realized..." he seemed to be reluctant to say it, but then he blurted out, "I think the speaker was right about relationships!"

Jeremy stopped. All of a sudden, he felt a sharp pain. But it wasn’t physical. The words hurt worse that he’d ever thought they would. _Why?_ “Uh...You do..? Um...oh..”

"I... I realized that I use relationships to try and fix my problems. I use people to make me feel better. You, Peter, Ollie. It's like..." Michael stood up. "Like a parasite or something!"

“Michael, you’re not a parasite.” _Why would he ever think that he was?_

Michael sighed, "I feel like I am. And if you knew what I've been doing, you would think so too." _What does he mean ‘What he’s been doing’?_

“...What have you been doing?” Jereny had to know. He didn’t want to be worried but a part of him was. What doesn’t he know?

"I've been..." Michael sat down on his bed. "Changing the way I act based on who I'm with to make as many friends as I can as fast as possible."

“That doesn’t mean you’re using us...” Despite saying this, he couldn’t help but wonder if he ever saw the real Michael. Was the Michael he knew, even Michael?

"But I..." Michael's voice cracked. "I feel like I *need* you guys. Isn't that... selfish?" Michael said, sounding so... guilty. Either he had been thinking like this for a long time, or that lecture had really messed him up. Maybe both. Hopefully not.

“...But that’s human nature. People need each other. That’s who we are.” _I’m the one who’s being clingy. I’m the one who’s using you. You’re the one who doesn’t need me. I’m the one who’s selfish. Not you..._

  
Michael stared at Jeremy, and tears started rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them away, "I'm s-sorry... I don't k-know why I'm getting so worked up about t-this. I just don't want to be a bad f-friend..."

“You? A bad friend?” Jeremy laughed slightly, “Dude, you’re a great friend!” He started to walk towards the other.

"Then... why did you leave me?" Michael said quietly, before his eyes widened and he clapped his hand over his mouth, as if he didn't mean to say that out loud. But, he did.

Jeremy froze in place, his face twisting into a frown. When he spoke, his voice was shaky, “Y-You _are_ still...still on that..”

"N-no! I'm not!” _Yes you are!_ “I just... I want to be a good friend so it won't happen again. I didn't mean to ask you that." Michael scoffed at himself, "Fine job I've done though. Lying and being difficult. Dragging you down with me whenever I have issues." Tears started to fall down his face again.

“...Michael...stop.” Jeremy didn’t want Michael to hurt himself, verbally, physically, or anything in between. He just...

Michael sniffed and wiped his tears, "S-s-sorry..." God, he made him feel bad. Shit. That wasn’t what he meant. He didn’t want to hurt him.

“...I just...you’re not a bad friend...really.” Jeremy started walking over to his friend again, grabbed his hand, and pulled him up. Michael still looked uncertain, but then a look of relief came to his face.

Jeremy smiled, “It’s okay.” Michael nodded, and gave a shaky, tearful smile. Jeremy wanted to give him another hug, to reassure him, but he was already being too clingy. He didn’t want Michael to hate him more that he already does. So, he just kept smiling. Michael stared at Jeremy, and opened his mouth to say something, but his phone sounded with a text.

Jeremy looked over at it, “Who is it?”

Michael picked up his phone, "It's Peter..." his eyes drifted across the phone, reading the text. "Oh no!" He exclaimed.

“What’s wrong?” Jeremy was worried. _What happened to Peter? Or was it someone else? Ollie?_

"My... His... our friend Evan is in the hospital!" Wait a second...

Jeremy gasped. _Evan? As in, the Evan in his Comp 1 class?_ “What happened?!” He asked. Was Evan okay? _What’s going on? Were that and what happened in class connected?_

"I don't know! He didn't give any details. Just that he has to stay overnight."

“We-“ _Evan was more Michael’s friend, Jeremy,_ “You need to see if he’s okay!”

Michael furiously texted Peter. After a minute, he got a text back, “Okay, Peter says that visiting hours at the ER are over already, but Evan is fine and will be back by tomorrow. Evan was the one who texted Peter, so he's not dying or anything."

Now Jeremy was even more worried. Evan was okay enough to text Peter what was wrong but, he was still in the ER? That limits way too many things that could have happened. And Jeremy couldn’t think of anything that could have happened.

“...Geez...”

"Yeah, I wonder what happened..."

“...That’s just...terrible..”

"Yeah. Wait, have you met Evan?" Michael asked.

“Oh. Yeah actually. We share a class together. He was...one of the ones who convinced me to talk to you...after the fight.” He didn’t want to bring it up, but he did anyway. _Why?_

"Huh, I'm not surprised honestly. He's really... nice.”

"He is. This is so terrible...”

Michael nodded. "I wish I had Evan's number, so I could find out what's going on."

“Yeah...”

After, the two were way too bummed to do anything. Despite having work to do, Jeremy just changed and got into bed. He had hoped he’d fall asleep quickly, but, he didn’t. And when he did, his dream wasn’t pleasant.

I̬̮’̗͙ͅm̜̳͈͈̻͚̼̀ ̼͈̬͔st͎í̤̩̜͓ḻ̸̜͙̗̠͚̹ļ̬̰̗ ͈̙̼͈̭͝h̕e̜̻̦͜r͇͎̼͔e̮̝̝,̰͔͘ ̷͇͕̠̞͈̱̮J̹̞̦̣̙e̮͙͓̠ͅr̤̥̰ͅe̖̻̠m̯̭͉͚y̹̜̙̘̥̩.̰̱̹̜̳̩

 


	21. Michael Mell: The Storm

Michael nearly fell over as Han Solo’s ship blasted off. He steadied himself and looked out the window, marveling at how fast they were going. Han turned to him with a wide grin. “Enjoying the view rookie?” he asked.

Michael nodded excitedly, but before he could say anything, he felt fur rub up against him. surprised, he turned to see Chewy looking at him intently. He started growling gibberish, and Han started to laugh. “It seems Chewy likes you.”

“What?” Michael asked confused.

Han smirked. “He said _you’re adorable._ ” The last part of what he said was layered with another voice. It came from… somewhere else. Before Michael could process it, his surroundings faded and he was laying uncomfortable on the floor beside his bed.

Michael sat up and rubbed his eyes sleepily. “W-whaa…?” he muttered. Then he realized he had been dreaming. They must’ve fallen asleep watching the Star Wars movies. _That meant Jeremy must’ve still been laying on him when they fell asleep!_ Thought Michael. Speaking of which, he gazed up and saw Jeremy standing in front of him, with a slight blush.

“I had the weirdest dream.” Michael said, stretching. “I was on a ship with Han Solo, and chewy was hitting on me.”

Jeremy laughed and muttered, “No wonder.”

 _Wow, rude. Hitting me with shade before I’ve time to fully wake up?_ “Why? Do I strike you as his type?” Michael said with a humorous glare.

Jeremy’s eyes widened and he said quickly, “I didn’t mean it that way!!”

“Sure you didn’t.” Michael said with a laugh, and then he shrugged. “My love life is about as existent and likely as his anyway, so I might as well be his type.” If that didn’t make him sound like a total furry, he didn’t know what did.

Jeremy frowned, “And why do you say that?”

 _Was he serious? I mean, the joke is pretty clear._ “Well, I’ve literally never been in a relationship before, making it nonexistent, And the likelihood of this," he said, gesturing to himself. "Attracting anyone other than a hairy brown gorilla is... well... unlikely.” _Nothing like that good old self-deprecating humor in the morning._

Jeremy continued to frown, and stared at Michael. “Oh come on. You’re plenty lovable!”

 _Wait… what?_ Well this isn’t where he expected this joke to go. Michael searched for something to say, something clever to reignite the humor. Instead, he just laughed uncomfortably and said, “Well, thanks I guess.”

Then Jeremy glared at him. “You don’t believe me…”

Michael blinked, surprised. _Believe what? That I’m lovable?_ Honestly, Michael didn’t even know what to make of that. Sure, he was lovable… but that didn’t mean he was loved. And now this was getting into existential territory, which he was not ready for this early in the morning. _Geez, Jeremy usually usually loves my self-deprecating jokes. What gives?_

He attempted to save the joke one last time. “Sure I do! My lovable…ness can be clearly seen by the many friends and lovers I’ve had… OH WAIT!” Sarcasm saves everything. Michael thought confidently.

This time, however, the tactic completely backfired. Jeremy sat down next to him and said with a serious tone, “Michael, you don’t need to have had a lover for people to see how lovable and attractive you are. I mean, seriously!”

Michael blushed furiously. _What is haaaaapening?!_ Was he still dreaming? Jeremy was right next to him, telling him how attractive he is? He had no idea how to handle this. So, he defaulted to his ever present friend and defense mechanism, humor. “Do you think I’m attractive Jeremy?” he asked with a smirk as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Jeremy’s eyes widened, and he opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. Michael laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll try not to seduce you with my _ravishing_ good looks and eyebrow twirling skills.” He stood. “Anyway, we should probably get ready for class. You fill out that personality assessment yet?”

To his relief, Jeremy dropped the topic of his attractiveness. “O-Oh! Yeah…” he stumbled out.

Michael nodded. “Yep. I'd say it's one of the longest personality tests I've ever taken. A little more in depth than 'what soda would you be'. Apparently, I'm an unwavering, improvising extrovert with a reluctant mindset. Whatever all that means.”

When Jeremy laughed, he knew he was back on a roll. “Yeah, real funny. Anyway, class starts in ten minutes, and we don't want to be late again." Michael said as he grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom to change.

Within a few minutes, Jeremy and Michael were on their way to class. They walked in and sat down. Soon, the teacher came up to the front. "Alright everyone. I hope you all brought your assessments. You can turn them in after class. But now, we have someone who has graciously agreed to speak to you. The creator of this assessment, Leslie Yada. Give her a hand everybody.”

Everyone in the room started clapping, some more enthusiastic than others. A middle aged woman with fiery red hair tied back in a neat bun walked up to the front, smiling. “Hello everyone! I hope you all thoroughly enjoyed taking the assessment. I wanted to make it applicable to each unique personality type, so that no one would feel like their results fell short. There are extraverts and introverts of course, but there are also many sub categories to that. You can be analytical, affirming, unwavering, pioneering, energizing, and many more. All of the different results came together uniquely to fit each of you, and I think that's beautiful.”

Michael had to admit, this speaker seemed much better than the one last Monday. Jeremy groaned and muttered, “Yeah. Beautiful Not exactly what was said last week.” Michael nodded, but hoped that it was a sign that it would be a good lecture.

Mrs. Yada spent the next ten minutes talking about how many colleges she'd been asked to speak at, and how quickly her personality assessment became widely recognized by scholars and psychologists, and started to be used by millions of people recreationally and academically. Michael was a little annoyed at the shameless bragging she was doing, but thought that if she truly was deserving of it, it might not be so bad.

She went into each result and explained what it meant for the person who got it. She went pretty in depth, and the results actually turned out to be rather accurate. “Huh, this is actually kind of cool.” Michael whispered.

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. It kinda is.”

“Now that you have these results,” she continued. “How can they be useful to you? Well, when we’re more aware of ourselves, we can better understand others. We can understand their reactions to our behaviors that seem natural to us, and get a better understanding of their behaviors that seem strange to us. This can help you form better relationships with people.”

 _That makes sense. Knowing yourself can help you be better in relationships. It seemed a bit cheesy, but she could be onto something._ Michael thought.

"Relationships are a huge part of human society. Romantic, platonic, business, any relationship you form will leave an impact on you, and the other person, be it good or bad. We must have an understand of ourselves to have an understanding of others. It's also important to form relationships for the right reasons.”

This made Michael pause. _Right reasons? What did she mean by that?_

"Sometimes, people who are lost, and don't have an understanding of themselves will form relationships as a way to find themselves or to have someone to lean on and 'save them'. While is is a nice sentiment, this can be very dangerous. All that will come from these relationships is hurt and feeling more lost. What's more, you can bring another person down with you. Resolving personal issues such as mental instability and insecurity is not a good reason to start any kind of relationship. In fact, I believe it's better to form relationships when you're in a positive place of understanding with yourself.”

Michael’s mouth fell open in shock. This was far worse than anything Mrs. Bordeaux had said about identity or mental illness… This woman was suggesting that people with mental issues shouldn’t be in relationships! And that, they would just use the other person and ruin their lives?!

"It's important to solves these personal issues before forming relationships. Thankfully, there are many resources you can look at both here and on my website. I'm sure many of you have issues that make you think you're broken, but we can fix that.”

Michael couldn’t believe what he was hearing. _Apparently only mentally stable people can have relationships. Well good luck finding someone without baggage because-_ He was startled out of his thoughts by Jeremy jumping up and running out of the room.

Concerned, Michael got up and followed. He walked out of the building and found Jeremy leaning against the wall. He ran up to him. “What’s going on?”

Jeremy’s breathing was short and uneven, and he was clearly distressed. “Sh-she…SQUIP…fix…” Jeremy muttered breathlessly.

 _Oh god…_ Michael’s eyes widened. It couldn’t be back. They had gotten rid of it. He had gotten rid of it. He tried not to panic, but the flashes of being ignored for months by the only person who ever saw him, the fear of disappearing completely and no one ever giving a single thought to his existence… he didn’t know if he could live through that again.

“Is it back? I have Mountain Dew Red back at the room, should I go get it?!” Michael had gotten a pack before leaving for college, he had hoped they would never need it, but…

Jeremy shook his head though. “No…she just…”

“Just what?!” Michael said, desperate to know what was wrong with Jeremy so he could help.

Jeremy looked up at him with terror in his eyes. “W-We’ll fix…that…”

_What? What was Jeremy saying? Michael shook his head. “I don’t understand. What can I do?!” This had to be the SQUIP. Maybe it was making Jeremy say weird things? He wanted to get Mountain Dew Red for Jeremy, but he didn’t want to leave him. Besides, what if he left and got blocked out again?_

Jeremy had tears in his eyes now. “I don’t know!”

Michael took Jeremy’s hands. “Well, if you’re hearing it again, just uh… focus on me.” They stared at each other, and Michael searched his friends eyes, ensuring that he could still see him. This gave him some comfort, and his own breathing become calmer, and Jeremy followed suit. _Maybe Jeremy’s just freaked out about the lecture. It could have nothing to do with…_

Suddenly, Jeremy tensed up, and got that look like he was listening to something. _No. No! nononono…_ “You’re fine Jeremy.” Michael said. “Just pay attention to my voice. Don’t let it drown me out.” _Please… oh god, please Jeremy. Don’t let me disappear!_

It looked like Jeremy was listening to him, until he suddenly turned away from Jeremy. No… “No!” Suddenly, Michael was back in high school.

“Jeremy? Are you coming?” But he didn’t come… _He turned away._

 _ OPTIC Why won’t you talk to me? Hello? Come on, why are you doing this? Seriously, just talk to me. NERVE What did I do? Are you mad? Why won’t you look at me? Please Jeremy, just talk to me! look at me! BLOCKING I can’t do this without you Please I’ll do anything just don’t leave me. ON He left. There’s nothing left… He left.  _ " Jeremy don’t lea-"

Michael grabbed Jeremy in panic, like it would keep him from leaving. Instead Jeremy jumped in surprise and flinched away, hitting his head against the wall. He groaned in pain. _Wait…_ He wasn’t in high school anymore. Jeremy was resisting the SQUIP, and he had just hurt him. _Nice going idiot!_

“Are you okay? I’m sorry Jeremy, you just… you can’t let it take over again. Okay?” Michael pleaded with tears not far away.

Then Jeremy yelled, “SHUT UP!”

Michael backed up in fear, until he noticed that Jeremy was covering his ears. _Oh, he was talking to the SQUIP!_ “That’s right. Good. Drown it out.” he said encouragingly.

After a moment, Jeremy uncovered his ears and appeared to be listening to something. Then he cried out and threw his arms around Michael, who gasped in surprise. He hugged back tightly. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

Jeremy shook his head, and Michael sighed, continuing to hug him. “Do you... want to go decompress somewhere? Like the coffee shop or something?"

He nodded, and Michael led him to the coffee shop on campus. When they got there, he ordered two Italian sodas, sat Jeremy down at one of the tables, and then sat down himself in the other chair. He twirled his straw awkwardly, before saying, "Well, you wanna get a pic of your cup for Instagram?”

At this, Jeremy laughed, which brought a smile to Michael’s face, and shrugged.

“Are you feeling better now?” Michael asked, sipping his drink.

Jeremy nodded hesitantly. “Yeah. It just... It was there again...it never left.”

“But it's weak, right? I mean, it can't get control or do anything unless you tell it to, right?” asked Michael. He hated how pathetic he sounded, but he couldn’t bear to lose Jeremy again.

To his relief, Jeremy nodded. “Yeah...”

Michael sighed. “Well... good. See? If that happens again, just remember that. It doesn't have power anymore, you know?” He was reassuring himself just as much as Jeremy.

“Yeah but, still. Thank you. Really.”

“Well, yeah. I mean I wasn't just going to let you stay out there alone.” said Michael. Honestly, he didn’t think he did much.

Jeremy gave a small smile. “Yeah, I figured.”

Michael nodded and continued to sip his drink. "So that lecture went downhill pretty fast." he commented. _Understatement of the year…_

  
“Yeah.” said Jeremy, then he seemed to remember something. “Oh, I never told you why I freaked out huh? It wasn’t even The squip.”

Michael cocked his head. "Really? What was it then?"

“That teacher. She said ‘We-‘ she said something the SQUIP said often.”

Michael hummed in understanding. He supposed Jeremy had some form of PTSD, which made sense, seeing as how much the SQUIP affected him. “Gotcha. Well, try not to pay attention to her. Somehow the lecture was full of more BS than last week."

Jeremy laughed slightly, “Didn't think that was possible.”

“Yeah. This is literally the worst class ever.”

“God, it's making so many things worse.”

“I know! It really messes with you.”

“It does!” Jeremy was saying, but then he stopped, and frowned. “We just left! The class just started..."

Michael smirked. “Well, I have a feeling we didn't miss much. At least, not anything useful. Besides, I can ask Peter if we missed any assignments. One class missed won't make a difference."

“True.” A moment of silence passed between the two, before Jeremy spoke up, quietly, “I’m sorry. I’m a mess”

 _What? What was he talking about?_ Michael frowned. "No you're not. The SQUIP situation really affected you. It's no wonder that things that bring the memories are hard to handle."

Jeremy shook his head, smiling sadly, "No no. I'm just overreacting."

 _This is ridiculous._ Michael thought. _Jeremy is not allowed to downplay his issues. That’s my job! …Okay. Maybe they both had a problem._ “It's not. I'm still affected by what happened too, and I didn't even have a SQUIP!”

“exactly! I did that to you!” Jeremy cried.

Michael shook his head. “It was the SQUIP Jeremy. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you took it!” _At least, that’s what I tell myself to be able to sleep at night._

"Still. I hurt you even when I knew what I was doing.” Jeremy mumbled, sounding so regretful.

“But you came back after.” Michael insisted. “After the incident, you still had those friends you made because of the SQUIP. You could've left me after it was all over, but you didn’t.” _That was how I knew our friendship did mean something._

Despite this, Michael still worried that Jeremy didn’t care as much about him, as he did for Jeremy. But, then again, that tended to be a common worry for Michael when it came to his relationship. It was only with Jeremy, up until the SQUIP incident, that he didn’t feel that.

“I'm still sorry.” said Jeremy

Michael nodded. “I know. I already forgave you.”

“Why?"

 _Because I need you._ Michael thought. He was just about to say it out loud, when the speaker’s words came to mind.

"Sometimes, people who are lost, and don't have an understanding of themselves will form relationships as a way to find themselves or to have someone to lean on and 'save them’.”

Michael’s eyes widened. He realized that he did lean on Jeremy, and his other friends. He _needed_ them just to get through the day. Was he… _using_ them? “Oh god…” he muttered.

“What…?” he heard Jeremy ask, but Michael was fazing out fast. Was he just using Jeremy to feel better about himself? Was that what he had been doing for all these years?

_It would certainly make sense, considering my… rather extreme reaction when Jeremy left. What did the speaker say? That this would only bring the other person down? I mean, yeah. As soon as I was out of the picture, Jeremy was able to make friends left and right, and even snag multiple girlfriends._

He realized that he had just been staring at the floor, and Jeremy was still here. Michael looked up to see Jeremy looking at him, concerned.

 _I don’t deserve that concern. I used you!_ He slowly stood to his feet. "I... I didn't... I'm sorry, I have go. I'll see you later... okay?"

And before he broke down in front of Jeremy, Michael turned around, threw his cup into the trash, and walked out of the coffee shop.

Michael basically zoned through the rest of his classes. Thankfully, he didn’t have speech, so he was able to avoid his other friends. _The friends I purposefully changed myself for so I would more motivation to stick around this lousy life. I really do use people for my own benefit. I’m more selfish than I thought!_

He wasn’t very hungry, so lunch was a no-go. Every memory of his relationships were currently being glossed over with a coat of this new realization. It was enough to make Michael somehow hate himself even more than he had during the SQUIP incident, but he supposed that at least he didn’t feel the same loneliness he had back then. Otherwise…

_No. I promised myself to never consider that again. It was hard enough to fight off those thoughts the first time. And he wasn’t sure he would be able to do it again._

The thoughts he did have weren’t much better though. Guilt, shame, regret. He was still feeling this way when he walked into his class and found a note on his desk. This temporarily distracted Michael from his self-hatred. He picked up the note and read it.

It said, “Keep your mouth shut if you want to make it to graduation.”

 _Well. Fuck._ This certainly was a curve ball. It was obvious who wrote it, of course. Honestly, Michael was surprised Seth and Andy were still on his case about that. He threw off Peter and hadn’t said a word to anybody else, except Jeremy. Surprisingly, the message didn’t concern him too much. Sure it was “intimidating” or whatever, but all he had to do was avoid the bastards and they wouldn’t have another problem.

Perhaps the dismissal of the note was so that he could get back to his self-hatred, because it wasn’t long before the distraction ended and the guilt returned. Not only was he questioning his right to have any relationships, he also realized he just left Jeremy alone after a panic attack! And the guilt just kept on growing.

When Michael finally got back to his room after classes, he just slipped off his backpack and fell onto his bed. He curled up and laid there, perfectly content to lay there forever.

Of course, Michael knew he couldn’t lay there forever, so he eventually dragged himself out of bed and took a seat at his desk. He opened his laptop and a textbook, and began to study.

Michael didn’t know how much time had passed, but he eventually heard the door open, and looked up to see Jeremy standing there. He walked in and cleared his throat. “Um… Hey.”

“H-Hey…” Michael stuttered awkwardly. “I'm sorry for just leaving you like that.” he continued. “And right after that freak out too. Were you okay?”

Jeremy looked fine. Just concerned. “Yeah...but, why’d you leave..?”

Michael looked down. "Um... it's kind of complicated. I just... I realized…" He paused. Could he really admit it? “I think the speaker was right about relationships!” Huh, apparently he could.

Jeremy froze for a moment, before saying carefully, “Uh...You do..? Um...oh..”

Michael sighed No use turning back now. “I… I realized that I use relationships to try and fix my problems. I use people to make me feel better. You, Peter, Ollie. It's like..." Michael stood up. Like a parasite or something!”

He expected Jeremy to have the same realization as him and get angry, but instead, he just looked at him with kindness. “Michael, you’re not a parasite.”

Michael sighed. Obviously Jeremy didn’t understand the full extent of what he had done. “I feel like I am. And if you knew what I've been doing, you would think so too.”

Jeremy looked confused and worried now. “…What have you been doing?”

"I've been..." Michael sat down on his bed. "Changing the way I act based on who I'm with to make as many friends as I can as fast as possible.” There, he admitted it.

  
“That doesn’t mean you’re using us...” Jeremy said.

This confused Michael. Wasn’t that manipulating them? He expected Jeremy to call him selfish and horrible and… everything he had thought about all day! “But I..." His voice cracked. "I feel like I need you guys. Isn't that... selfish?”

“...But that’s human nature. People need each other. That’s who we are.”

Michael stared at Jeremy. That… sounded right. Suddenly, his mind cleared. Sure, he needed Jeremy, and his other friends. But they needed him too. He helped Jeremy through a panic attack just this morning. Why had he freaked out so much? He supposed the lecture had messed him up, but maybe it had been an underlying problem for awhile. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them away. "I'm s-sorry... I don't k-know why I'm getting so worked up about t-this. I just don't want to be a bad f-friend…"

“You? A bad friend?” Jeremy laughed slightly, “Dude, you’re a great friend!” He started to walk towards the other.

"Then... why did you leave me?" Michael said quietly. Wait… he just said that out loud! His eyes widened and he clapped his hand over his mouth.

_What have I done? Jeremy’s not supposed to know about this. I’m fine! God, why couldn’t he keep his big mouth shut?!_

Jeremy froze in place, his face twisting into a frown. When he spoke, his voice was shaky, “Y-You are still...still on that..”

"N-no! I'm not!” Michael insisted. “I just... I want to be a good friend so it won't happen again. I didn't mean to ask you that." He scoffed at himself. "Fine job I've done though. Lying and being difficult. Dragging you down with me whenever I have issues." Tears started to fall again.

“...Michael...stop.”

Michael almost winced at Jeremy’s voice. He sniffed and wiped his tears. “S-s-sorry..." _Why am I such a mess?_

“...I just...you’re not a bad friend…really.” Jeremy started walking over to his friend again, grabbed his hand, and pulled him up.

Michael looked into Jeremy’s eyes, and saw nothing but kindness and understanding. He had wanted to keep his problems a secret so that Jeremy wouldn’t feel bad. He had felt like he was the one in the wrong for being affected so much and still being on it when Jeremy was trying to move on, but that look in Jeremy’s eyes made him feel like… he shouldn’t feel guilty.

And for that present moment, his guilt was washed away. It probably wouldn’t be for good, but the the lifting of that burden, however temporary, made him feel so, so good.

Jeremy smiled “It’s okay.”

Michael nodded, and gave a shaky, tearful smile. If this went on for much longer, Michael would break down and spill all of his issues to Jeremy.

Before that could happen though, Michael's phone sounded with a text.

Jeremy looked over at it, “Who is it?”

Michael picked up his phone. "It's Peter..."

**Petey: just found out that Evan’s staying overnight at the ER right now.**

“Oh no!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Jeremy.

Michael struggled to find words. ”My... His... our friend Evan is in the hospital!"

Jeremy gasped. “What happened?!”

"I don't know!” answered Michael. “He didn't give any details. Just that he has to stay overnight.”

“We- You need to see if he’s okay!” Jeremy said.

Michael furiously texted Peter.

**Mich-drop: what happened?! Is he okay? If you’re going to see him give me a few cause I want to come too**

**Petey: Visiting hours are already over. It was Evan who texted me from the ER, so I don’t think he’s on his death bed or anything. He’ll be back at school by tomorrow. As for what happened, idk. But you can be damn sure I’m going to find out**

“Okay, Peter says that visiting hours at the ER are over already, but Evan is fine and will be back by tomorrow. Evan was the one who texted Peter, so he's not dying or anything.”

“…Geez...” mumbled Jeremy.

"Yeah, I wonder what happened..."

“...That’s just...terrible..”

"Yeah. Wait, have you met Evan?”

“Oh. Yeah actually. We share a class together. He was...one of the ones who convinced me to talk to you...after the fight.”

"Huh, I'm not surprised honestly. He's really... nice."

"He is. This is so terrible…”

Michael nodded. "I wish I had Evan's number, so I could find out what's going on."

“Yeah…”

After that, the mood was pretty much killed from doing anything fun. Michael went back to studying, Evan weighing heavily on his mind. His mind had really been thrown for several loops that day, and he soon realized that it made him exhausted. He stood up, tiredly climbed into bed, and quickly fell asleep. 

To his dismay, Michael woke up a few hours later in a cold sweat. In momentary panic, he felt around himself to make sure he didn’t... disappear. He sighed heavily.

This used to happen every night during and after the SQUIP incident. Michael would dream of being invisible. A ghost. No one could see him. Just like back then. He thought that those dreams were over, but apparently not. This had to be one of the easier dreams, because he didn’t wake up screaming or crying, he couldn’t even remember the exact dream, and it hadn’t taken hours to calm down. These were all things that used to occurr with the nightmares. Michael hoped that if he started having these dreams again, it would stay at this light stage. 

After some shifting around, Michael rolled over, and eventually fell back asleep. 

 


	22. Evan Hansen: Aftershocks

When Evan woke up, he didn’t know what time of day it was. It felt like morning, but when he looked at the clock on the wall, he saw that it was early afternoon. The previous night had been hell. The nurse had told him to sleep, but then woke him up half a dozen to check his blood pressure. What resulted was on and off short sleeps that made him feel more tired than if he had just stayed awake all night.

Evan reached over to the table next to his bed and grabbed his phone. When he turned it on, he saw that he had three messages.

**Mathy Kathy: It’s fine Evan. You don’t have to be sorry. Is something wrong?**

**Petey: hey man, you doing okay? Haven’t seen you all day and Kathy was worried about you**

**fam friend: rise and shine acorn! ill be over after class to pick you up**

Evan couldn’t help but smile at the fact that there were people who were actually concerned about him. Maybe that’s weird or selfish… but right now, Evan couldn’t care less. He answered the three texts.

**Yeah, I was going through something yesterday, but I’m fine now. Thank you for your concern.**

**Well, I’m actually in the hospital. Had to stay overnight. I’ll probably see you Wednesday though.**

**K, see you soon**

After that, Evan played games on his phone until a nurse came in to get him checked him out. After the release papers were signed, he was able to get out of bed and change out of the hospital clothes. Once he did, Evan sat on the side of the bed and waited for Jared. He kicked his legs back and forth, and wondered what it would be like to have Jared as a roommate.

To be honest, he didn’t know. He had never thought about that ever happening, which was odd since his anxiety caused him to think about so many possible situations. If Evan really thought about it, he kind of liked the idea.

Jared already knew him so well, so awkwardness levels would hopefully be low. At least Evan wouldn’t have to worry about getting his roommate to like him.

 _Oh no? You think Jared likes you?_ Oh good. Evan’s negative thoughts were back.

_Well… I know he doesn’t hate me._

_That’s not what you said. You said he likes you._

_I mean… I just meant that when I first met Vince, I was worried about first impressions and getting him to like me in general and making myself likable, but with Jared I won’t have to do that because we already know each other._

_Yes. He knows you. And what does he think of you?_

_Like I said, I know he doesn’t hate me. And… maybe he likes me. I’m a pretty good friend… and I can be fun to be with sometimes._

_Wow, you sound really prideful right now._

_…Sorry._ Wow, did Evan just apologize to himself? He felt pathetic now. Before he could think anything else about it, Jared walked into the room.

“Hey acorn, ready to go home and be my roommate?” he said casually.

Evan smiled and hopped off the bed. “Yep! I’m ready.” _Ready as I’ll ever be…_

Jared lead the way through the ER while Evan followed. They soon made it outside and to the car. They got in, and Jared pulled out of the parking lot.

Once they were on the road, Jared glanced at Evan with a grin. “How was the night at the hospital? Did any cute nurses come to show you a good time?” he asked.

Evan sighed. “I couldn’t tell. I was too busy being annoyed with them for waking me up every three hours to check my blood pressure.” he replied sarcastically. He was beginning to realize just how exhausted he was, and fighting to stay awake is never a good feeling.

“Oh come on, they were making sure you were okay.” said Jared, and he added encouragingly, “You’ll go to bed early tonight.”

Evan let out a small laugh, partly because he was looking forward to that, and partly because _Jared_ and _encouraging_ were two words he hadn’t used together in years, but he happy to start using them together again. “You bet I will. After everything that happened, I feel like I haven’t slept in days!”

“I bet.” commented Jared. “That whole thing was pretty crazy.” he gave a small smile.

“Yeah…” _That’s one way to describe it…_ Evan thought. He didn’t remember most of what happened. Not only the moments leading up to the hospital trip, but even after. His memories of what happened when he was in the hospital were fuzzy, and it was hard to remember specifics. All Evan remembered for sure was Jared’s presence, and for some reason, that left a warm feeling inside of him.

“But, everything’s okay now. I’m back to my old self.” he said with a smile.

Jared glanced at him. “Are you? You seem a little…off.”

This made Evan pause. _Off? What did that mean?_ Sure, the whole situation through him off a little bit. He felt slightly numb, as if his body was losing the adrenaline rush he had been on for the past few hours. However, it was too soon to determine exactly what would remain when it was gone. This made him a bit nervous. It was like his body hadn’t quite figured out what was going on yet, but it was getting close.

Evan blinked, and tried not to let his worry show. “Oh, I’m just tired I guess. After some sleep, I’ll be fine.” And he hoped that it was actually the case.

Jared didn’t say anything in response, and the drive continued in silence for a few minutes. Evan looked out of the window and let his thoughts wander. The sight of everything passing by gave him a calm feeling, and it felt slightly familiar. It reminded him of his mom driving him home from the hospital after he broke his arm. As Evan thought about it more though, he realized how different the feeling and situation was at the same time as it being familiar.

“This is a lot different than the last time I went to the hospital;.” Evan commented, not exactly meaning to say it out loud.

Jared glanced over momentarily. “Why?”

 _Can’t back out of this now._ How could he explain though? “Well, besides the fact that it was for a broken arm and not a withdrawal, last time… I was kind of alone. I went to the hospital by myself, my mom drove me home, and I just sat at home until school started. No one knew what happened until I came to school with the cast.”

_Back then… would anyone have noticed if I had actually… Yes. Jared would have._

_Sure, but would he have cared?_

_Yes. Jared cares about me. He said so himself._

_He cares about new Evan. Old Evan is a different story._

_Well, that doesn’t matter then. Old Evan is gone. It doesn’t matter if Jared would’ve cared or not, because be cares about me now._

Jared stiffened, and Evan worried that he had said his debate with himself out loud, or that he made Jared uncomfortable talking about old Evan, but then he said, “Well, now you’ve got the insanely cool Jared Kleinman and his insanely great driving driving skills to keep you company.”

 _Exactly. I have Jared now, and other people too._ Jared suddenly hit the edge of a mailbox with the car, and a scraping sound could be heard. Evan decided not to comment on the irony of that happening immediately after Jared bragged about his “great driving skills”.

“Yeah, and two of my friends texted me wondering where I was, and if I was okay.” Evan said, and an involuntary smile appeared on his face.

“Yeah?” Jared said, smiling too. “Will I get to meet these great friends?”

Evan thought about it. “Maybe. Peter’s kind of similar to you, and Kathy likes math, so I bet you could both get along pretty well.”

“Sure we could.” said Jared, with an edge that Evan didn’t understand. Then looked thoughtful for a moment before adding, “Maybe she should tutor you if she likes you so much.”

Evan blinked in surprise. “But we’re roommates now, so it would be even easier for you to...” He trailed off, and realized that Jared must’ve changed his mind about tutoring him. He couldn’t blame Jared honestly. After walking in on Evan having that breakdown he was surprised Jared didn’t run for the hills. “Oh, but if you don’t want to do it anymore, I guess I could ask her.” He finished quietly.

"No! I just meant uh, maybe you would prefer her. Whatever, forget about it.” Jared explained quickly.

Evan didn’t say anything, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Jared was just saying that to be nice. Before long, they arrived back on campus. Jared parked the car and the two of them got out and mad their way to Evan’s, and now Jared’s, room.

When they walk in, Jared goes straight to his bed and pulls out his phone. Evan noticed that Jared had already moved his stuff in. After that, he noticed something on his bed that he hadn’t put there. He walked over and picked it up.

It was his notebook. The one Evan used to calm his anxiety. One of the most private things Evan had, second to only his own thoughts. Did Vince go through his stuff? The notebook definitely wasn’t where he had left it. What if Vince read through it and told people? Evan knew that Vince was already gone, but still…

“Was… did Vince come in here and get his stuff before he left?” Evan couldn’t help asking.

Jared, not looking up from his phone, replied, “I hope not, I think he knows better than that.”

Evan looked down at his notebook. “I don’t know, I think Vince went through my stuff…”

Jared turned to him and started to ask, “Why’ you think-OH” he sounded surprised suddenly, and he jumped up from the bed and walked over to Evan. “W-what uh,…what’s that?”

“Well, it’s…” Evan began, before blushing. “It’s a notebook I used during middle school and high school. I used it when I was feeling anxious. You know… to de-stress and stuff.” To Evan’s relief, Jared didn’t laugh at him. Speaking of which, “Vince probably looked through it for a laugh… or something.”

After a moment, Jared sighed heavily. “No Ev, it uh… it was me.” he admitted, and before Evan could respond, his eyes widened and he continued. “But I didn’t go through it! A lot…” He sighed again. “I saw it on the ground and wanted to pick it up and it just kind of… happened. But I only looked at a few pages and then I put it on the bed because it was time to go and uh…yeah…I’m sorry.” His eyes were cast downward.

Evan stared at him. He was surprised it was Jared who read it, but it made him feel a lot better. Vince hurt him, and it felt so wrong that Vince had seen one of his most private things, but Jared seeing it didn’t bother him so much.

 _Except…_ Evan’s heart skipped a beat as he opened the notebook to the last page, or the first page he had written on, and was relieved when he remembered that he had torn it out years ago. No harm done then.

“It’s… okay.” Evan said, trying to reassure Jared. “I mean, the thought of Vince looking through it weirded me out, but you? I mean, it’s not a big deal.”

Jared looked at Evan with a relieved smile. “You sure? I’d never go through your stuff on purpose, I’m not that much of an asshole.” He paused, before adding, “And the trees everywhere are very, uh, cute.”

Evan laughed, and looked away shyly. “Thanks. I’m not much of an artist, but it’s definitely relaxing.” He found himself blushing and his thoughts instantly chimed in.

_No need to blush, he was referring to the drawings, not you._

_Yeah, but they are my drawings, and he likes them._

_Does he really?_

Jared laughed. “Yeah, they’re kind of dorky. But they suit you. And they’re tress, which is like, such a you thing. No one else likes trees.”

_See? Dorky._

_I’ve known Jared for years, and he uses that word as a compliment. And… “such a me thing”? That’s a compliment too._

Evan smiled and shrugged. “Yep, that’s me.” He paused to yawn, remembering how tired he felt. “Just your good ol’ tree hugger.”

“You should probably go to sleep.” said Jared. “Before you pass out and I have to give you CPR.”

If Evan wasn’t so exhausted, he would’ve made a comment about how Jared probably would’ve probably enjoyed giving him mouth to mouth, but instead, he simply nodded and climbed into bed. He was pretty much asleep before his head hit the pillow.

When Evan woke up, he rubbed his eyes and looked around. The last rays of sunlight peaked through a slit in the closed curtains from the window, and Jared was laying in his bed reading a book. He watched him for awhile, staring at his face. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, and his eyes glinted with fascination.

Evan sat up, but Jared didn’t notice him, too engrossed in the book. Evan hated breaking a silence, but he pushed pass that and asked softly, “Good book?”

Jared shifted, looking surprised for a moment, before responding, “It pains me to say, but it is. I really like taking British Lit, but don’t tell anyone.” He adjusted his glasses with his ring finger and turned his attention back to the book, a soft smile on his face.

Evan stared at Jared, honing in on his smile. Combined with that focused glint in his eyes, Evan couldn’t help but feel something… he didn’t quite understand what, but Evan found himself unable to look away. After a minute, he forced himself to look away before Jared noticed and called him a creep. He went on his phone.

This time, it was Jared who broke the silence. “Did ya sleep well?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I feel a lot better now.”

Jared hummed in response and turned his attention back to his book again. There’s silence for a few minutes, Jared reading and Evan on his phone, occasionally glancing at Jared. Then Jared broke the silence again “Oh, this guy stopped by, his name was...I wanna say...Percy? Paul? Patrick? I've no clue. Anyway he asked about you and told me to tell you to text him later, and also that some girl...Kathleen? That you shouldn't worry about her cause the uh, Percy dude talked to her.”

Evan was confused for a moment, before he realized who Jared was talking about. “Oh, Peter and Kathy. That’s good.”

Jared nodded. “I’m shit with name so I wouldn’t know, I’m just passing on the message.”

Evan opened up messages and sent a text to Peter.

**Ev: Hey, thanks for coming over to check on me.**

**Petey: np Evan. I’m glad ur doing ok. You better fill me in on everything that happened tomorrow.**

**Ev: Sure, only if you tell me what Kathy wanted to talk about. I feel bad that I wasn’t able to help her.**

**Petey: U both have math tomorrow don’t you? You can ask her about it then.**

**Ev: No, math is Tuesday Thursday**

**Petey: Gotcha. Well I’ll fill you in then**

Evan nodded to himself, and then he began to think. _Math. Math homework. Math homework that was due on…_ He gasped and jumped out of bed, nearly falling over from dizziness, before steadying himself and rushing over to his desk.

He heard Jared sigh. “Whatcha doing there bud?”

“My m-m-math homework!” Evan squeaked out as he frantically searched his shelf. “It was due t-today!” _I haven’t even done it yet!_

He heard Jared sigh again and close his book. A moment later, Jared is next to him and helping him look. “I'm sure your teacher will understand you were in a hospital and couldn't complete your math homework.” he said.

Evan finally found the homework, which is only halfway done, and thought about trying to hand it in, until he realized that it was already dark outside. “It’s too late…” he muttered, sitting down on his bed. He still held the paper in his shaking hands. “All that work with the math, and now I'm going to fail it anyway.” He put his head in his hands.

After a moment, Jared said, “Hey, come on…can't you like...send them an email or something? Explain the situation, attach the math homework?”

At this, Evan looked up. “I… maybe. I guess that might work.” Now that he thought about it, that would probably most definitely work. Usually, he would’ve thought about that himself, but for some reason, he just gave up and panicked instead. Just like he used to.

Pushing those thoughts away, Evan got up and opened his laptop, before pausing. “What do I say? ‘Sorry, I had a mental breakdown’?”

Jared laughed. “I mean yeah, you can say that… Or you can just say you ate some undercooked meat and got food poisoning so bad you had to go to the ER. Or just shift the truth a little, like… you forgot to take some medication you need to function which caused you to be so sick you had to go to the hospital.”

Evan nodded and went back to typing the email. When he finished, he took a picture of the homework to prove he had at least done some of it, and sent it off. “Well, that’s that I guess.”

“See? All’s well.” said Jared, and then he yawned. “Man, it's quite early but I'm pretty tired. I'mma go to bed.” he said as he went to his suitcase, which he hadn’t unpacked yet, and started searching for his pajamas.

Evan nodded. “Okay. Good night.” he sat on his bed and returned to his phone. Eventually, Jared also returned to his bed and put in his earbuds. Evan realized that he had messed up his sleep schedule even more and probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep that night after his nap. He settled in for a boring all-nighter. “I’m starting to regret that nap…” he muttered.

Jared looked over at him, taking out one of his earbuds. “Did’ya say something?”

“Oh, no.” said Evan. “I just realized that after that nap I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’ll have to try and stay awake until tomorrow night to get my sleep schedule back to normal.”

Jared stared at Evan for awhile, before saying, “Oh, well…that’s shit. Bound to be a boring night.”

Evan sighed. _You’re telling me…_ Then, in an attempt to lighten the mood of the situation, he said, “Yep, but it’s not like this is the first time my anxiety has been the cause of an all-nighter. Heh…” Even as he said it, Evan realized that his “joke” didn’t sound funny at all.

After a moment, Jared said, “Well, I mean…would it…nah, forget about it. Night.” He put his earbuds back in.

Evan was curious as to what Jared had been about to say. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing. It’s stupid.” responded Jared.

“No, what?” Evan insisted with a smile.

Jared took his earbuds out again and took a deep breath. “Nothing, I just thought maybe I could uh..I could stay up with you? Two's more fun than one. But it's stupid, so forget about it.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “Really? You’d stay up _all_ night and keep me company?” He recalled a few times when they were younger where Jared did exactly that. Evan would call him, unable to sleep, and Jared would sneak over, but he thought that would never happen again.

Jared scoffed. “It's not about you, I just like staying up all night, it's more fun than uh, you know, sleeping.” He got up and made his way over to his suitcase. “Plus we have this to keep us company!” With that, he pulled out a bottle of vodka and smiled slyly.

Evan blinked and cleared his throat. “R-right. Well, yeah I’d like that. Beats sitting on my phone for hours.” Then he noticed the vodka. “Wait… we can’t drink!”

Jared grinned and put the vodka on Evan’s desk. “Sure we can. Beats looking at each other being bored the entire night, or doing more math tutoring to entertain ourselves.”

_Well, looking at Jared doesn’t seem that boring to me… Wait, what?! That was a weird thing to think. Whatever, I’m still not drinking._

“Oh no. You can do that stuff.” Evan said, giving a fake haughty expression. “But I’m going to keep my virgin tongue pure thank you very much.”

Jared laughed. “Your virgin tongue? I’m pretty sure that has two meanings and I’m gonna get rid of one tonight.”

Evan’s face morphed into one of shock at this, and Jared’s eyes widened. “THE ALCOHOL ONE! Obviously!”

Evan relaxed. _Right, obviously. Why had I even thought he meant the other one? We’re childhood friends for god’s sake, and he would never- I’m not even gay, so…_

“R-right. Heh, but I won’t let you take away my virginity tonight. Either one. Heh…” Evan stumbled over his words and he could feel himself blushing.

Jared was blushing as well. “Don’t worry acorn, I don’t want the non-alcoholic one. The alcoholic one will taken though, trust me on that. ANYWAYS, how about we stop talking about virginity and get this party started?”

 _Gladly._ “Sure, yeah.” said Evan. He went over to his desk and got out a deck of playing cards. “Besides, alcohol messes with Xanax, and I really don’t want that happening again.”

“Right. Makes sense. I’ll find a way though” said Jared. “So uh, what are we playing?”

Evan thought for a moment. “Well, we could play war, slap jack, uno, spades-”

“Or strip poker.” Jared joked.

_There he goes again, trying to embarrass me. Well, let me just throw it back at him. I’ve been really good at that lately._

Evan shrugged. “Sure, can you play poker with two people though?”

Jared choked on his saliva. “Hold up, you actually…agree? I was joking… for the most part. And yeah, I think you can. We can google the rules or make our own.”

Evan’s eyes widened. _Oh no, Jared thought I was serious, wait… he’s acting like he was serious… what?_ Evan didn’t know what was more confusing, the fact that Jared may actually want to play, or the fact that Evan’s heart fluttered slightly at that fact.

“Oh, uh… I was joking too. Heh, how about uno?”

“Uno it is.” Jared said, smiling weakly.

Evan nodded and began to deal out the uno cards. The game went by slowly, both of them not having played uno in ages. Every skip or draw cards were met with groans and smirks. Eventually, Jared played his last card, winning the game.

“YES!!! IN YOUR FACE EVAN!” Jared screamed with a huge smile on his face.”

Evan pouted. “That’s so not fair. You had two skip cards!”

Jared started to do a little victory dance. “I beat ya, I beat ya, I beat ya.”

Evan rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hide a small smile at Jared’s antics. “Yeah yeah, real mature. Lets’ do something else. Wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.” agreed Jared. “But as the winner, I get to pick what movie we watch.”

Evan sighed. “Fine.”

Jared moved to his bed and started browsing through Netflix with a bored expression on his face. He browsed for awhile before hovering over the new IT. “What about this?”

Evan hesitated for a moment, before nodding. “Uh… Sure.” He didn’t usually watch horror movies for obvious reasons, but figured he would be fine.

“Damn, I didn’t think you’d agree.” Jared said as he started the movie.

They sat and watched the movie. Evan found himself enjoying the characters, and finding them surprisingly relatable. During the scene with the kid turning pages in a book, the music intensity made Evan tense up nervously.

A few minutes later when the same kid is deeper into the library, there’s a jump scare, and Evan jumped and grabbed Jared’s arm instinctively. “S-s-shit!” he squeaked out.

Jared stiffened up at first, staring at Evan, who was worried that Jared would be mad at him, but he relaxed and grinned. “A curse word? Wow Hansen, one day living with me and I have a bad influence on you already.”

Evan pulled his hand away and shrugged, embarrassed. “Whatever. I don’t exactly watch horror movies on a regular basis Jared.”

Jared continued to grin. “Worry not my friend, that’s about to change.”

They continued to watch the movie until the main character gave his friends an inspirational speech about finding their captured friend and facing their fears. When he finished, one of the boys turned to the one next to him and said, “He didn’t stutter once.”, and Evan realized that, indeed, he had struggled with a stutter throughout the film, but had given the speech with a clear and steady voice.

This struck Evan with a surge of emotion, and he had to fight back tears. After a minute, he couldn’t hold it back, and a few slip down his cheek. He quickly wiped them away, but it was too late, Evan realized, as Jared stiffened beside him and paused the movie.

“What the hell Ev, what’s wrong? We can stop watching the movie if it’s too much for you. Shit, you should’ve told me.” said Jared, worry visible on his face.

Evan looked away from Jared. “No, I’m fine! I just… it’s nothing.” _Wow, can I get any more pathetic?_

After a moment, Evan felt Jared’s hand on his shoulder. “Hey. Talk to me.”

The softness in his voice. brought Evan back to the beginning of middle school, when Jared had been so kind and gentle to him. The most supportive person in his life. Back then, Evan had been more vulnerable with Jared than his own family. This convinced Evan to open up, if only the tiniest bit.

“I just got a little emotional… with Bill’s speech. I’m a crier sometimes with movies, that’s all.”

Jared furrowed his brows, and Evan could practically see the gears turning in his mind. “Oh. The whole uh…not stuttering thing?”

Evan blushed. “Uh… yeah. I mean, I’m not as self conscious about my stutter as some people are, or even as much as I used to be, but… I don’t don’t know… It’s just a nice moment I guess.” He expected Jared to scoff, or simply shrug and return to the movie.

Instead, Jared smiled. “Yeah. Well, for what it's worth, your progress is quite impressive. And day-Jared would never say this, but night-Jared will...I uh, I'm proud of you. And if you ever mention this to day-Jared he will skin you alive.”

Evan stared at Jared, his mouth opening and closing. _Jared was… proud of me?_ There was no curtness or apathy in Jared’s tone. Evan opened up to Jared, and he actually took that and said something caring, therefore being vulnerable as well. Evan almost started crying again, but the overwhelming happiness simply made him smile widely.

“Thanks. I um… Thank you.” Evan said with a laugh, and his eyes practically sparkled with joy.

This time, Jared did turn back to the movie, with a blush on his face. Evan continues to smile, even through the rest of the movie. When the movie ended, they had to decide what to do next.

Jared looked around the room, his eyes stopping at the vodka on the desk. “So, what, you’ll never be able to drink alcohol?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. Apparently it can make the pills more… overdose-able… or something. I at least don’t want to risk it when my system is still recovering from getting messed up.” He would never admit that he had found that bit of info about alcohol during his search for overdosing on his medication.

“Yeah. But you gotta get drunk sometime, I can’t even imagine what drunk Evan looks like.” said Jared, full of curiosity.

“Who knows, I’m not really itching to find out. So don’t even try to change my mind.” said Evan.

Jared winked. “You know I’ll try. And I’ll also succeed.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Whatever, so is there something else you want to do other than get wasted?”

Jared yawned. “I don’t know. My brain doesn’t really work at this hour.”

Evan frowned. “You can go to sleep if you want.”

“What will you do?” asked Jared.

Evan shrugged. “Eh, I’ll just play on my phone. I’s only a few hours now until morning.”

Jared shook his head. “I told you I’d stay up all night, so I wanna keep my word.” He yawned again. “But we have to do something other than sitting. Wanna go for a walk?”

“You mean… outside?” asked Evan.

“No Evan, let’s walk in circles in our tiny room because that sounds fun.”

Evan sighed. “Well, I mean… are we allowed to walk around outside in the middle of the night?”

“No. That’s what makes it exciting.” said Jared, smiling.

Evan sighed again, but looked around the room before saying, “Well, I suppose it would be better than sitting in here.” He went to the closet and put his shoes on.

Jared did the same. “Let’s go on an adventure!”

Evan grabbed his sweatshirt, and they head out the door. Jared ran in front of Evan into the night. “It’s so cold!” he whisper-screamed.

“Well yeah. It’s night. That’s kind of what happens.” Evan said with a laugh.

“Oh fuck off smart-ass.” retorted Jared. “I’m freezing over here. Come on, let’s walk, that should make me warmer.”

Evan nodded. “Okay.” and he followed Jared. As they walked around campus, Evan looked up and noticed how bright the stars were. They looked pretty amazing. He almost asked Jared if he wanted to just sit down somewhere and look at them together, but realized that he would probably think it’s a stupid idea, so he didn’t say anything.

After awhile, they came to a bunch of benches, and Jared apparently found them interesting, because he quickly walked over to them. “Bet you can’t jump over all of them in less than 20 seconds.” he dared.

Evan laughed. “You’re on!” He ran over and started jumping, and laughing while doing so. He got too fast and cocky though, and on the last one, his foot caught on the bench. Evan fell forward with a gasped, and just barely managed to put his hands out to stop his face from smacking onto the pavement. Instead. he landed on his hands and knees with a grunt.

Jared abruptly stopped laughing. “Evan!” he ran over to him. “Are you okay???”

Evan breathed heavily as he stood. “Yeah, I think I just scraped up my knees and hands a bit.” They are scraped up, and one of his pant legs was torn, and that knee was bleeding a bit.

“Oh, fuck! Let’s go back inside so you can clean that up.” said Jared.

Evan sighed. “Okay.” They both started walking back, and Evan was limping a little.

To his surprise, Jared put his arm around Evan’s shoulders. “Here, let me help you, it’s my fault anyway.” he said regretfully.

Evan was quiet for a minute, before commenting, “This must be the second time you’ve done this, huh?” Thinking about Jared taking him to the ER made Evan blush. Did he carry me?

“Yeah. Being around me seems to hurt you.” muttered Jared.

Evan scoffed. He was supposed to be the type to blame himself for everything, not Jared. “The first incident didn’t have anything to do with you. That was all me.” _See?_

“No, that was all Vince, actually.” Jared corrected as they walked into the room. “You want help washing that?”

“Sure, thanks.” Evan said gratefully.

They walked into the bathroom and Jared helped Evan lean on the wall while he wet a wash cloth and wiped the blood off of Evan’s knee gently.

Evan winced at the sting, but remained quiet for a minute, before commenting, “Although technically, Vince asked me last week to loan him money, and if I had done that, he never would’ve taken my meds, so…”

Jared instantly looked up at Evan. “Evan, don’t be stupid. Vince would’ve done the exact same thing or maybe something even worse. He’s a drug dealer. I’m just glad he’s gone.” he said as he continued to wash the blood off.

Evan nodded. He knew Jared was right, but he couldn’t help but think of all the stuff he could’ve done to prevent the situation. Although, Vince was a drug dealer, and him getting caught made the school safer, so maybe it was all for the best. “Yeah, I guess it’s a good thing that stuff is off college grounds now.” he said.

“Yup. Anyway, all done.” Jared said as he stood up.

Evan stood up and shook his leg. “Thanks.”

Jared got back onto his bed. “Well, since we can’t do anything active anymore, wanna watch some youtube videos? Another movie? Or do you have any other ideas?”

Evan thought for a minute. “Hmm… how about another movie?”

Jared nodded. “Alright. You pick this time. And since I’m responsible for your knees, you can pick anything you want.”

“Okay, how about… How to Train Your Dragon?” said Evan.

“Oh, fuck me.” Jared groaned.

Despite this, they both settled in to watch the movie. Evan was enjoying himself, but when he looked over Jared, he noticed that he looked a little conflicted about something.

Just as Evan was going to ask if there was something on his mind, Jared asked, “Can I ask ya something? And just so you know, I'm only speaking up because I'm tired and my judgment is clouded, so answer with that in mind.”

Evan hesitated, searching Jared’s eyes for a sign of just what kind of question he would ask. Finally, he said, “Uh… Sure.”

He noticed that Jared avoided looking at him as he said, “So...earlier when I found the notebook, I saw the last page was torn out and the remaining of it said "My C-"...and yeah, uh, I wanted to ask what was on it? Humans are naturally curious animals you know. But, you don't have to tell me, so yeah.”

Evan stared at Jared, his eyes wide. This was it. _This_ was the nightmare scenario. Why hadn’t he ripped out the entire _stupid_ page?! He opened his mouth, but instead of words, he let out an awkward laugh. Then he tried to explain. “Well... It was just... Um, it was the first thing I wrote in the notebook, on the first day of middle school.”

Before he was forced to explain the rest, an idea came to him. “I titled it 'my classes' So, that's what I um... wrote about? Yeah, it was just an overview of that first day, so... yeah.”

After a moment, Jared looked disappointed. “That’s less interesting than I wanted it to be.” Then he turned his attention back to the movie.

 _Well, I’m not sure you would the truth very “interesting” either_ Evan thought. _Ironic? Sure. Pathetic? Most definitely._ “Heh, yeah. With me that shouldn’t surprise you at this point.” he said with a small and awkward laugh.

Jared turned to face Evan, frowning slightly, and seemed to study him for a moment. “Hey,” he finally said. “Self deprecating humor is my thing, don't steal my thing. Plus, you're plenty interesting.”

“Whatever you say.” Evan said with a shrug. When Jared looked away, he blushed at the compliment.

As they continued to watch the movie, Evan noticed that Jared was starting to drift off. Eventually, he fell asleep, his head laying on Evan’s shoulder.

After awhile, Evan’s shoulder started to get sore from Jared laying on it. Not wanting to wake him up, Evan carefully moved Jared’s head to his lap. If Jared had been awake, probably would freak out at this, but Evan just looked down at him and smiled.

* * *

 

When the movie ended, Evan went on his phone and played on it for the last hour. Once it neared class time, he moved Jared carefully, and got out of bed. He got his clothes and began to change, his back to Jared. He pulled on his shirt last and turned around. Jared was awake, and staring right at him. Their eyes lock.

Jared immediately broke eye contact and jumped off the bed, looking for fresh clothes. “Just for the record, I wasn’t staring at you, that’d be like, super gay. I was just trying to wake up and I didn’t realize what I was looking at.”

“Yeah… of course.” said Evan, blushing. He started making his bed. “Thanks for keeping me company last night.”

“Yeah, whatever, no problem.” Jared said. He took his clothes and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change.

Evan began getting his backpack ready to go, and Jared came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. wearing an old t-shirt and long sleeved shirt with some black jeans. “Oh and uh, sorry about your knees. And that I fell asleep. But the second thing is kinda your fault since you picked such a boring movie.”

Evan, who was occupied with his phone, shrugged. “They don’t hurt anymore, and you stayed up almost all night. Don’t worry about it.” He looked at his email, and was relieved to see an extension for his math homework.

Jared took out his phone and looked at the clock. “I actually have an early class, so I better get going. See ya.”

Evan looked up and smiled. “Okay, see you later.”

A few minutes after Jared left, Evan reached and took his meds from the box by his bed and shook out two pills. He swallowed them with a bottle of water and closed the bottle, putting it back into the box. _After everything that happened, I doubt I’ll ever forget to take them again._

When it got closer to class time, Evan grabbed his backpack and walked out the door. He soon arrived at his Comp 1 class and sat down.

A few minutes later, Jeremy sat down next to him and whispered, “You’re okay!”

Evan turned to Jeremy in surprise. “Oh, uh… yeah.” _How did Jeremy find out what happened? Oh god, does the whole school know?_

Jeremy smiled, and then it fell. “Oh shit. Okay so, yeah… I know about the… incident. I probably should’ve told you.”

 _So people do know! And they’re calling it the incident. Great! Now I’m going to be known as the guy who under-dosed on meds and freaked out._ “Oh… Heh.” he said, embarrassed. “I guess word travels fast around here.”

Jeremy shook his head and laughed. “No. It doesn’t. Probably. I only know cause my friend told me. Peter told him.”

Evan was relieved at this. “Ah, okay. Who’s your friend?”

“His name’s Michael.” said Jeremy

Evan smiled. “Huh, it’s a small world then. I know him too!”

Jeremy’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yeah. Me, Peter, Ollie, and him have hung out a couple of times.”

“Well it’s nice to see he’s made friends other than just me.” said Jeremy with a smile.

Evan nodded “Yeah. He's really good at making friends. Just kind of... syncs up with them pretty quickly.” he paused for a moment, before saying, “But back to your question, I am doing okay now. It's been pretty crazy, but... yeah.”

“Well, I’m glad.” said Jeremy.

This made Evan smile. He felt happy that people were glad to see him doing well. Just that reminder that he mattered to people really made a difference. The teacher soon came in and began class. Evan tried to keep that happy feeling throughout class, but for some reason, he started to feel uncomfortable again.

It was just like before, he couldn’t help but feel that people were looking at him and judging him. He began to fear that the teacher would call on him, and he wouldn’t be able to answer. This was weird, because he definitely took his meds. It may not be quite as bad as when he hadn’t taken them, but he could definitely feel his anxiety.

This time, Evan managed to keep it together during class. When it ended, he stood up. “Well, I’ll see you later Jeremy.” he said automatically, not even looking at him.

“Yeah.” said Jeremy, and then he added, “Evan? It’s okay. Really.”

Evan stopped and turned around to face Jeremy. His simple gesture of reassurance washed away his anxiety, at least for the time being. He gave a relaxed smile. “Yeah. Thanks.” He gave a friendly wave and left.

Evan went to lunch and sat down at a table. A few minutes later, Peter and Kathy approached him with smiles.

“Hey Evan, can we sit with you?” asked Kathy.

Evan nodded, and they both sat down. Peter looked at him for a long moment, before saying, “It’s good see you doing well. I was super freaked out when I got your text. And then I went over to your room after you got back, and some stranger was there, and he said your roommate took your meds?!”

Kathy nudged Peter, and he sighed. “Sorry. I don’t mean to bombard you with questions. I was just really worried about you man.”

Evan smiled and nodded. “Yeah, everything was pretty crazy. I can tell what went down though. It’s kind of a long story, so…”

Peter and Kathy both nodded, ready to find out what happened. So Evan told them everything. Vince’s odd behavior, asking for money, stealing the meds, his downward spiral, Jared taking him to the hospital and becoming his new roommate, and Vince being arrested.

By the end, Peter and Kathy were shocked. “Wow, that sounds awful.” said Kathy sympathetically. “I’m so glad you’re okay!”

“Yeah, I can’t believe Vince did that. I know people can be desperate for money when their into drugs but… Damn.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah. But, if anything good came out of this, Vince can get the help he needs and drug dealing isn’t a problem at the school anymore.” _Getting Jared as a roommate is also a plus to be honest._

Peter suddenly looked uncertain, but Kathy nodded. “I didn’t even know they were a problem. It’s scary to think about that going on right here, and not even knowing.”

“Yep. Pretty crazy.” said Evan. After they ate in silence for a bit, he asked, “So Kathy, what did you want to talk to me about the other day. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to-”

“Are you kidding?” she interrupted. “You were on the verge of a panic attack when I texted you. Trust me, I’m not upset at all that you weren’t able to help me. I talked to Peter instead, but I never would’ve been in that position if you hadn’t said what you did last weekend.”

Evan was relieved that Kathy wasn’t upset with him, but now he was curious. “So what was it about?”

Kathy smiled. “Well, I thought about our talk about my major, and my parents, and after talking to you and then Peter about it… I decided to switch my major.”

Evan’s eyes widened, and at Kathy’s smile, he smiled too. “That’s great! I mean, wow. It takes a lot of courage to switch your major. I mean, I think it does.”

Kathy laughed. “Yeah. It was pretty nerve-wracking.” her smile fell a bit. “It’s like I’m making a commitment to changing my mind, and with my parents wanting me to succeed, it’s scary to switch, because if I’m still having trouble…”

“Then you can switch again.” said Peter reassuringly, putting his hand on Kathy’s. “During freshman and sophomore year, students switch their majors all the time, and multiple times.”

Kathy nodded, smiling at Peter. “Yeah. Anyway, I’m telling my parents this weekend. I’m sure they won’t be mad or anything, but I’m still a little nervous.

“And I’ll be a phone call away if you need anything.” said Peter.

“Thanks.” said Kathy.

Evan smiled. “So what major did you switch to?” he asked.

Kathy looked wistful. “English. I… I really want to be a writer.”

“That’s great!” said Evan. “I bet you’ll be a great writer.”

Kathy blushed. “Thanks. It’s always been a little hobby of mine, but I was always told that I shouldn’t count on it for a career.”

Evan nodded in understanding. “Yeah. Making writing into a full time career isn’t easy, but I’m pretty sure there are other jobs you can get with an English degree in the meantime.”

“Oh yes, I know. Peter researched all the possible jobs I could get to show my parents if they question how I’m going to find work.” Kathy said, glancing at Peter.

Peter shrugged. “Hey, anytime I can help a friend make a point to their unsupportive parents, I’ll do it.”

“Yeah, well I really appreciate it.” said Kathy. “Both of you. I never thought I would be brave enough to make my own decision about this, but then… you guys helped me.”

Evan blushed. Last time he had been thanked for helping somebody was during the Connor project, which felt fake and hollow. Now, he was just filled with pride and happiness. “Yeah. I’m glad I was able to help you.” he said. Peter nodded in agreement.

They talked for a few more minutes, and then parted ways for the next class. Evan made his way to the science building for Biology. When he walked in, he eyed the teacher nervously. He glanced up at him when he entered, and then simply checked him on a piece of paper. Evan breathed a sigh of relief. Though it seemed silly now, he half expected the teacher to call him out in front of everyone and ask why he had suddenly left class the other day.

When the class began, Evan opened his textbook and listened carefully to the lecture. Part of him felt like the other students were staring at him, but he tried to ignore it. Instead, he focused on trying to catch up with what he missed on Monday after he left. Overall, the class went pretty well. That is until the end when the teacher said that next Monday there would a quiz.

 _What?! How can there be a quiz already?!_ Evan thought back to what he had learned so far, and wondered how there could possibly be enough material for a quiz. Then there was around an entire hour of material he missed.

Evan was so busy stressing that he didn’t notice the class had ended, and everyone was getting up to leave. He eventually did realize when the teacher cleared his throat, and evan looked up to see him staring. Evan’s face grew red as he quickly got up to leave.

On his way out, another student tapped him on the shoulder. “You doing okay? I saw you leave pretty suddenly last time and now it looked like you were about to stay for the next class.”

“Um… yeah, I just…um…yeah.” Evan stumbled through his words. “S-s-sorry, I…” He was mortified, and simply turned around and walked away. He had just failed that social interaction so bad, it was almost worse than it was in high school. By the time he got back to the dorm, there was nothing that could calm Evan down.

The quiz… that interaction… his anxiety, stuttering, and absolute lack of social skills seemed to back with a vengeance, and this time, there was nothing to blame but himself. Evan started to faze out. His thoughts continued to spiral. _You failed. You’re so messed up. There goes all of your progress. You’re back to old Evan. Everyone will be so disappointed. What will Jared say when he finds out? He was so proud of you and all you can is screw it up like you screw up everything!_

He wrapped his arms around himself, and tried to control his breathing. All he could do was let the thoughts go by. If Evan was being honest, he would admit that depression was again starting to mix in with his anxiety. He didn’t know when that first started to happen. Middle school? High school? something like that. It was hard to tell the difference between the two.

Evan didn’t even feel aware of his surroundings at this point. Unfortunately, there nothing he could do, he simply had to ride it out, like he done so many times over the years.

Eventually, his mind started to calm down. Evan put his hand up to his chest to feel his breathing slow down. Absentmindedly, and rubbed his arm and winced. He looked down at his arm in confusion, and to his horror, he found that his arms were covered in scratches. Scratches he had made without even knowing in the midst of his panic. The lines were red, and felt raw and painful. The sight almost made Evan descend back into panic.

At first, he didn’t understand how this was possible. It was extremely rare for him to leave marks on his arm. Then he looked and his fingers, and realized what happened. His nails…

Evan’s nails had been cut very short for most of his life. This way, he wouldn’t accidentally hurt himself during panic attacks. Since he had been doing so well though, he hadn’t needed to cut his nails, and they had been able to grow to a normal length. But now…

Evan knew what he had to do. He stood and walked over to one of his drawers and pulled out a pair of nail clippers. He held it up to his finger nails, and began to cut his nails. Evan found tears rolling down his cheeks. It felt like he was cutting away his progress.

Snip  _Failure_ Snip  _Freak_ Snip  _Pathetic_ Snip _weak_ Snip _Burden_ Snip _UNLIKABLE!_ Snip _UNLOVABLE!_ Snip  

His hand shook, and he wondered if he would be able to finish, but eventually, all of his nails were cut short.

He went into the bathroom, turned on the sink, and put his arms under the water. There wasn’t any blood to wash off, but it did bring down the sting a bit. After analyzing the scratches for a minute, Evan concluded that they would be visible for at least a few days, but would definitely fade. He threw on his gray sweater to hide the scratches and left the bathroom.

Not knowing what else to do, Evan sat down at his desk with his Biology textbook and something to take notes with. Hopefully, he would get everything down before the quiz.

About an hour later, The door opened. Evan looked up in alarm, but relaxed when he saw Jared. Then he grew nervous. _What if he asks about the sweater?_ But to his relief, Jared went right to his bed, put in his earbuds, and took out his phone.

“Hey Jared.” Evan said, before instantly realizing that Jared couldn’t hear him. The room was silent for awhile, until Jared laid down all the way in his bed, his back to Evan. Thinking he no longer had his earbuds in, Evan said, “Guess you’re tired after tired after staying up all night huh?”

Jared took out an earbud and asked, “Did ya say anything?”

Evan hesitated, before shaking his head and turning back around. “No, I j-just…” _Oh great, my stutter makes a surprise return!_ He didn’t want Jared to hear it, so he just said, Um... yeah, no.” Evan tried to study for a little longer, but eventually just gave up, closed the book, and laid down in his bed.

Not longer after, Jared got up and started getting ready to leave. Who know where he was going. Evan turned his head in Jared’s direction, but didn’t say anything. He simply didn’t have the energy. When the door slammed behind Jared as he left, Evan rolled over and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.


	23. Jared Kleinman: Aftershocks

Jared woke up the next day, his heart racing. Despite the dreamless night, the first thing on his mind after waking up was Evan. That was pretty normal, as he always thought of Evan first after waking up, but today was different. Today, he was to become Evan’s roommate. 

Being Evan’s roommate meant a lot of things, and it did have its pros, Jared knew that. He’d see Evan every day, they’d talk a lot more and probably grow even closer than they already have. 

However, those pros were also cons at the same time. Being around Evan all the time meant Jared’s feelings would only get stronger, not weaker like he wanted them to. And when they became too much, when his face was red and he couldn’t hide them anymore, there’d be no safe space to retrieve to. He’d have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide from Evan or his feelings…and that scared him.

He tried to shake those thoughts off as he packed the remaining things into several boxes. He took the first few boxes and carried them to his new room, throwing them on the ground carelessly. 

As he returned for the last of his things, he said goodbye to Brody. Jared thought his ex-roommate seemed a little sad he was leaving. Jared thought staying with Brody would probably be easier, but it was too late to turn back. Before he forgot, Jared sent Evan a text letting him know when he would arrive. He tried to be as casual as possible. 

**Acorn: rise and shine acorn! ill be over after class to pick you up**

With that done, Jared went to Evan’s, and now his, room and set his things down on the bed. His side of the room was empty, but Evan’s was neat and organized, just like Jared predicted. A string of lights was hung up above the bed, and on the wall was an empty cork board. All of Evan’s textbooks were put away in a shelf on his desk. His bed was made with white sheets and a light/dark blue plaid comforter.

_Wait, what is that?_ Jared thought as his eyes moved to an object that looked like a notebook that was partially visible from under the bed he was just examining. 

_Is that Evan’s...diary?_

Jared moved closer to the bed and got down on his knees to reach the notebook. He turned it around in his hands, examining the nice design of a blue sky and fluffy clouds it had on it. 

_Kleinman, put that down. You can’t read it. Be a decent fucking person for once. Respect your best friend’s privacy._

His thoughts were screaming at him, but his body wasn’t moving.

_Put. It. Down_. 

So, naturally, Jared opened it. 

As he went through the first pages, his confusion only got bigger. The pages were blank, not a sign of any diary entry or any indication of being used at all. 

Right when Jared was about to put the notebook down, figuring Evan hadn’t started using it yet, he turned a page that had some...trees on it. Jared laughed at the sight. 

_Of course there‘s fucking trees_

Jared quickly browsed through the rest of the notebook, not reading anything in particular, his moral compass working at least a little bit. All he saw was some texts that looked like poems and drawings of trees on almost every page.

He was just about done with the notebook when he turned to the last page and saw it was torn out. The only words that were left on the page were “My C-”.

Jared froze at the sight. 

_My C....as in...My...Connor? What the fuck, Evan? Is this some sort of a love letter?_

Jared’s thoughts started racing with million different ideas to what C might stand for. His mind always came back to the name Connor, no matter what.

He quickly put the notebook in his previous place (or so he thought) and sat down on his bed. He couldn’t help but feel weirded out.

_Was Evan in love with Connor? That would explain his obsession with The Connor Project. It would explain a lot of things, actually. Shit._

The uncertainty and the lack of information was killing Jared, but he’d never find out the truth. He wasn’t supposed to be going through Evan’s stuff in the first place, so it’s not like he could just ask him. And even if he could, he wasn’t sure he would, being afraid of the answer. 

He tried to get his mind off the notebook by unpacking his things and settling in. You could clearly see which side belonged to which person, as Jared’s side of the room was nowhere as neat as Evan’s. It was creepily similar to what Vince’s looked like when he was there, but Jared tried not to think about that. 

The time eventually came to go pick Evan up, and so Jared borrowed Luke’s car again and drove to the ER. 

He walked into the ER and headed to Evan's room. He forgot to knock and opened the door. "Hey acorn, ready to go home and be my roommate?” _Cause I sure as hell am not_

Evan, who had been sitting on the side of the bed kicking his legs back and forth and looking down at his lap, looked up and hopped off the bed. “Yep! I’m ready.” He had a tired but big smile on his face.

The boys made their way through the ER, looking at all the different patients. Jared couldn’t help but feel happy knowing Evan wasn’t one of them anymore. 

When they got into the car, they drove in silence for a while before Jared decided to break the silence. "How was the night at the hospital? Did any cute nurses come to show you a good time?" Jared joked.

Evan sighed, “I couldn’t tell. I was too busy being annoyed with them for waking me up every three hours to check my blood pressure.”

"Oh, come on, they were making sure you were okay. You'll go to bed early tonight."

“You bet I will. After everything that happened, I feel like I haven’t slept in days!” he said with a small laugh.

"I bet. That whole thing was pretty crazy," Jared said with a weak smile, glancing at Evan before looking back on the road.

“Yeah...” he paused, before shrugging. “But, everything’s okay now. I’m back to my old self,” he smiled.

"Are you? You seem a little...off."

Evan blinked. “Oh, I’m just tired I guess. After some sleep, I’ll be fine.”

Jared decided to let it go and didn't comment any further. 

After a few minutes, Evan commented, “This is a lot different than the last time I went to the hospital.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, besides the fact that it was for a broken arm and not a withdrawal, last time... I was kind of alone. I went to the hospital by myself, my mom drove me home, and I just sat at home until school started. No one knew what happened until I came to school with the cast.”

_Well, fuck_

Jared stiffened up immediately, "Well, now you've got the insanely cool Jared Kleinman and his insanely great driving skills to keep you company,” he says as he hit an edge of a mailbox.

“Yeah, and two of my friends texted me wondering where I was, and if I was okay,” he smiled to himself. 

"Yeah? Will I get to meet these great friends?" Jared said with a bitter smile.

“Maybe. Peter’s kind of similar to you, and Kathy likes math, so I bet you could both get along pretty well.”

"Sure we could." Jared stopped to think. "Maybe she should tutor you if she likes math so much."

Evan looked surprised, “But we’re roommates now, so it would be even easier for you to...” he stopped and grimaced. “Oh, but if you don’t want to do it anymore, I guess I could ask her,” he finished quietly.

"No! I just meant uh, maybe you would prefer her. Whatever, forget about it."

_Way to go, Kleinman_

The rest of the drive was silent. They pulled up to the parking lot and made their way to the room. Jared went straight for his bed, browsing through his phone.

It was silent for minute, before Evan said, “Was... did Vince come in here and get his stuff before he left?”

Jared didn't look up from his phone "I hope not, I think he knows better than that"

“I don’t know, I think Vince went through my stuff…” Evan continued, sounding concerned. 

Jared turned his attention away from his phone "Why'd you think-OH" Jared jumps up from the bed. "W-what uh...what's that?” _What’s that foreign object that I’ve never seen nor touched before?_

“Well, it’s...” Evan blushed. “It’s a notebook I used during middle school and high school. I used it when I was feeling anxious. You know... to de-stress and stuff. He probably looked through it for a laugh... or something,” he said thoughtfully.

_I’m not telling him_

_Fuck, I have to tell him_

Jared sighed heavily, "No, Ev, it, uh...it was me,” his eyes widened "But I didn't go through it!! A lot..."

He sighed again, "I saw it on the ground and wanted to pick it up and it just kind of...happened. But I only looked at a few pages and then I put it on the bed because it was time to go and uh...yeah...I'm sorry"

_If there’s ever a time to ask about the C thing, it’s now_

His eyes were glued to his feet. 

Evan was silent for a moment, and Jared could hear him fiddling with the notebook. Then he sighed. “It’s... okay. I mean, the thought of Vince looking through it weirded me out, but you? I mean, it’s not a big deal.”

_Oh_

Jared looked Evan in the eyes, a weak smile on his face "You sure? I'd never go through your stuff on purpose, I'm not that much of an asshole. And the trees everywhere are very uh, cute." He says the last word so silently it's almost inaudible.

Evan laughed and looked away shyly. “Thanks, I’m not much of an artist, but it’s definitely relaxing.”

Jared laughed "Yeah, they're kind of dorky. But they suit you. And they're trees, which is like, such a you thing. No one else likes trees.

Evan shrugged with a smile. “Yep, that’s me.” He paused to yawn. “Just your good ol’ tree hugger.”

_And my opportunity to bring it up is gone. Swell._

"You should probably go to sleep. Before you pass out and I have to give you CPR."

_But I wouldn’t mind a little mouth to mouth action_

Evan nodded and climbed into bed, saying goodnight despite it being the middle of the afternoon.

“Good night,"Jared said as he got into bed as well and starts scrolling through his phone again.

About an hour later, someone knocked on the door.

Jared jumped up from the bed, scared the knock woke up Evan. When he saw the boy still peacefully sleeping, he quietly ran to the door and looked through the peephole. He didn't know the person behind the door but decided to open the door as quietly as possible anyway. He put his head through the little opening he created.

"Sup?"

The guy had been about to speak, before he looked at Jared. “Who are you?” He asked with a mix of confusion and suspicion.

Jared raised an eyebrow at the stranger before him "The better question is, who are you?"

“I’m Peter, Evan’s friend. Is he here?”

Jared eyed Peter up and down "He's sleeping."

“What happened? Evan texted me saying he was at the hospital. I came to ask Vince what was going on.”

"Well, the Vince you mentioned? Yeah, he took Evan's...meds from him. Wanted to sell it, he was a drug dealer or some shit. So Evan had withdrawal symptoms and passed out. I took him to the ER, he stayed there for one night for observation and now he's back here. He's completely fine, just tired, so don't worry about him. That's why I'm not letting you in, I don't want to wake him up, he needs the sleep. I'll let him know you stopped by.” 

Peter’s eyes widened in shock. “What... the hell?!” His eyes narrowed in anger “Where’s Vince?!”

"They kicked him out. Duh. Evan's mom made sure of that.”

“Well... good. Yeah, tell him to text me later.” He turned to leave, before he said, “Oh, and tell him not to worry about Kathy. I talked to her.” And then he was gone.

Jared didn’t do much for the rest of the day. He ate lunch alone and attended his afternoon classes, then returned to his room pretty much immediately. 

When he came back, he saw Evan snoring away quietly in his bed. His heart clenched at the sight and he sighed at the thought of seeing that every day and keeping his feelings a secret. The task was hard to begin with, but it just became a whole lot harder. 

He sat on the ground (for no reason in particular, he just likes to sit in places that aren’t meant for sitting) and started reading Beowulf. 

Just as he was getting really into it, a voice startled him. "Good book?"

Jared shifted a little, realizing Evan was awake. “It pains me to say, but it is. I really like taking British Lit, but don't tell anyone." he said, adjusting his glasses with his ring finger and then returning his attention to the book.

Evan hummed in response and went on his phone.

Jared continued to read his book for a while, then looked at Evan "Did ya sleep well?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, I feel a lot better now.

Jared hummed and returned his attention to the book again. He read for a while, the room in a comfortable silence, before suddenly remembering something he was supposed to do. "Oh, this guy stopped by, his name was...I wanna say...Percy? Paul? Patrick?I've no clue. Anyway, he asked about you and told me to tell you to text him later, and also that some girl...Kate? That you shouldn't worry about her cause the uh, Percy dude talked to her." he said with a bored tone.

Evan stared a Jared for a moment, before his eyes brightened with recognition. "Oh, Peter and Kathy. That's good." He turned back to his phone.

"I'm shit with names so I wouldn't know, I'm just passing on the message." he says, returning to the book yet again, slightly annoyed he kept interrupting the story.

Before long, he was interrupted again, this time by Evan gasping, jumping out of bed, and rushing around the room, looking for something. 

Jared lets out a heavy sigh and shifts his eyes to Evan running around, his head staying in the same exact place "Whatcha doing there, bud?”

"My m-m-math homework!" Evan got out with a high pitched tone. "It was due t-today!"

Jared lets out another heavy sigh and closes his book loudly. He then gets up from the bed and started looking around "I'm sure your teacher will understand you were in a hospital and couldn't complete your math homework," he said, looking through the drawers.

Eventually, Evan found the paper, and looked like he was about to run out the door and try to hand it in, until he saws out the window that it was dark outside. "It's too late..." he muttered. Then he sat down on his bed, still holding the paper. He put his head in his hands. "All that work with the math, and now I'm going to fail it anyway.”

Jared stood there awkwardly, looking at Evan "Hey, come on...can't you like...send them an email or something? Explain the situation, attach the homework?"

Evan looked up. "I... maybe. I guess that might work." He got up and opened his laptop, before pausing. "What do I say? Sorry, I had a mental breakdown?"

Jared laughed a little "I mean yeah, you can say that...Or you can just say you ate some undercooked meat and got food poisoning so bad you had to go to the ER. Or just shift the truth a little, like..." he thought for a while, "You forgot to take some medication you need to function which caused you to be so sick you had to go to the hospital."

Evan nodded and went back to typing out the email. When he finished, he took a picture of the homework and sent it off. "Well, that's that I guess..."

"See? All's well." Jared yawned "Man, it's quite early but I'm pretty tired. I'mma go to bed." he said as he went to his suitcase, which he hadn’t unpacked completely, and started searching for his pajamas.

Evan nodded, before sitting on his bed and going back on his phone. "Okay. good night."

Jared went into the bathroom, did his night hygiene and got into bed, putting in his earbuds and watching some YouTube videos before sleep.

He heard Evan rustling around, and then mutter something.

Jared took one of his earbuds out, looking at Evan "Did'ya say something?"

Evan looked over at Jared, "Oh, no. I just realized that after that nap I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'll have to try and stay awake until tomorrow night to get my sleep schedule back to normal."

Jared stared at Evan for a while, before saying "Oh, well....that's shit. Bound to be a boring night."

Evan sighs. "Yep, but it's not like this is the first time my anxiety has been the cause of an all-nighter. Heh..." He gave a small laugh, as if what he just said was a joke.

Jared stared at him some more.. "Well, I mean...would it..nah, forget about it. Night." he says and put the earbud back in _. Don’t do it Kleinman. Don’t put yourself in that position_

"What?" Evan asked.

"Nothing. It's stupid."

_Don’t do it Kleinman. Don’t put yourself in that position._

"No, what?" Evan said with a curious smile

_And I’m fucked._

Jared took the earbud out again, taking a deep breath "Nothing, I just thought maybe I could uh..I could stay up with you? Two's more fun than one. But it's stupid, so forget about it."

Evan eyes widened. "Really? You'd stay up all night and keep me company?"

Jared scoffed "It's not about you, I just like staying up all night, it's more fun than uh, you know, sleeping."

Jared got up from the bed and makes his way to his suitcase "Plus, we have..." he took out a bottle of vodka "This! To keep us company" he said with a sly smile.

Evan blinked and cleared his throat. "R-right. Well, yeah I'd like that. Beats sitting on my phone for hours." He looked up at Jared and the vodka and gasped. "Wait... we can't drink!" he squeaked.

Jared grinned and put the vodka on Evan's desk "Sure we can. Beats looking at each other being bored the entire night or doing more math tutoring to entertain ourselves."

"Oh no. You can do that stuff." he gave a fake haughty expression. "But I'm going to keep my virgin tongue pure thank you very much."

"Your virgin tongue? I'm pretty sure that has two meanings and I'm gonna get rid of one tonight." Jared's eyes widened, "THE ALCOHOL ONE! _Obviously_!"

Evan's face had morphed into one of absolute shock before relaxing. "R-right. Heh, but I won't let you take away my virginity tonight. Either one. Heh..." he stumbled over his words, blushing.

"Don't worry, acorn, I don't want the non-alcoholic one." 

_What a huge fucking lie_

Jared's blushing now too. "The alcoholic one will be taken, though, trust me on that. _Anyways,_ how about we stop talking about virginity and get this party started?" Jared proposed, his eyes not meeting Evan's.

"Sure, yeah." Evan went over to his desk and got out a deck of playing cards. "Besides, alcohol messes with Xanax, and I really don't want that happening again."

"Right. Makes sense. I'll find a way though. So uh, what are we playing?"

"Well, we could play war, slap jack, uno, spades-"

"Or strip poker" Jared jokes. _Wishful thinking, he’d never agree to that_

Evan shrugged. "Sure, can you play poker with two people though?"

_What the fuck_

Jared chokes on his saliva "Hold up, you actually...agree? I was joking...for the most part.And yeah, I think you can. We can google the rules or make our own."

Evan's eyes widened. "Oh, uh... I was joking too. Heh, how about Uno?"

"Uno it is." Jared smiled weakly, embarrassed.

Evan dealt out the Uno cards and they began to play. Both of them hadn’t played Uno in awhile, and the game went by slowly. Eventually though, Jared put down the last card in his hand. 

"YES!!! IN YOUR FACE, EVAN!" Jared screamed with a huge smile on his face, throwing his last card onto the used cards pile. 

Evan pouted. "That's so not fair. You had two skip cards!"

Jared started to do a little victory dance "I beat ya, I beat ya, I beat ya..."

Evan rolled his eyes, but couldn't hide a small smile. "Yeah yeah, real mature. Let's do something else. Wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure. But as the winner, I get to pick what movie we watch.”

“Fine.” 

Jared moved to his bed and started browsing through Netflix with a bored expression on his face. He browsed for a while before hovering over IT "What about this?”

Evan hesitated for a moment, before nodding. "Uh... Sure."

"Damn, I didn't think you'd agree" he said as he started the movie.

They sat and watched the movie, and during the scene with the kid turning pages in the book, Evan tensed up nervously. A few minutes later when the kid was deeper into the library, there was a jump scare, and Evan jumped and grabbed Jared's arm. "S-s-shit!" he squeaked out.

_Holy fucking shit he’s holding my arm_

Jared stiffened up at first, looking down at Evan's hand grabbing his arm, but then relaxed, and grinned "A curse word? Wow Hansen, one day living with me and I have a bad influence on your already."

Evan pulled his hand away and shrugged. "Whatever. I don't exactly watch horror movies on a regular basis Jared.”

_No! Come on, put your hand back_

Jared grinned, "Worry not, my friend, that's about to change"

They continued to watch the movie until the main character was giving his friends an inspirational speech about finding their friend and facing their fears. When he finished, one of the boys turns to the one next to him and said, "He didn't stutter once.” 

It was sweet, but Jared didn’t think much of it. That is, until he heard Evan sniff, and turned just in time to see a tear roll down Evan’s cheek before ehe brushed it away. Jared was instantly worried, and he paused the movie. "What the hell, Ev, what's wrong? We can stop watching the movie if it's too much for you, shit, you should've told me."

"No, I'm fine! I just... It's nothing." Evan looked away from Jared.

Jared hesitated before gently putting his hand on Evan's shoulder. "Hey. Talk to me."

Evan tensed up, and then sighed. "I just got a little emotional... with Bill's speech. I'm a crier sometimes with movies, that's all."

Jared furrowed his eyebrows "Oh. The whole uh...not stuttering thing?"

Evan blushed. "Uh... yeah. I mean, I'm not as self conscious about my stutter as some people are, or even as much as I used to be, but... I don't know... It's just a nice moment I guess."

Jared smiled "Yeah. Well, for what it's worth, your progress is quite impressive. And day-Jared would never say this, but night-Jared will...I uh, I'm proud of you. And if you ever mention this to day-Jared he will skin you alive.”

Evan opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, only for him to let out a surprised laugh. "Thanks. I um.... Thank you." He had a super wide smile on his face, but that was nothing compared to the bright twinkle in his eyes.

Jared glued his eyes to the screen as he resumed the movie, his face a slight shade of red

They finished the movie, and had to decide what to do next.

Jared looked around the room, his eyes stopping at the vodka on the desk. "So, what, you'll never be able to drink alcohol?

Evan shrugged. "I don't know. Apparently it can make the pills more... overdosable... or something. I at least don't want to risk it when my system is still recovering from getting messed up."

"Yeah. But you gotta get drunk sometime, I can't even imagine what drunk Evan looks like"

"Who knows, I'm not really itching to find out. So don't even try to change my mind."

"You know I'll try. And I'll also succeed." Jared said, winking. 

"Whatever, so is there something else you want to do other than get wasted?”

"I don't know. My brain doesn't really work at this hour.Jared yawned.

"You can go to sleep if you want."

"What will you do?"

"Eh, I'll just play on my phone. It's only a few hours now until morning."

"I told you I'd stay up all night so I wanna keep my word." He yawned again "But we have to do something other than sitting. Wanna go for a walk?"

"You mean... outside?"

"No, Evan, let's walk in circles in our tiny room because that sounds fun!"

Evan sighed. "Well, I mean... are we allowed to walk aroundoutside in the middle of the night?"

"No. That's what makes it exciting." Jared smiled. 

Evan sighed again, but looked around the room before saying, "Well, I suppose it would be better than sitting in here." he went to the closet and put his shoes on.

"Let's go on an adventure!" Jared said as he put his shoes on as well.

Evan grabbed his sweatshirt, and headed out the door.

Jared ran in front of Evan, running out the door into the darkness.

"ITS SO COLD!" he whisper-screamed.

"Well yeah. It's night. That's kind of what happens." he said with a laugh.

"Oh fuck off smart-ass, I'm freezing over here. Come on, let's walk, that should make me warmer"

"Okay." Evan followed Jared.

Jared walked around campus trying to find something interesting to do. There were a bunch of benches nearby which Jared deemed to be interesting enough. "Bet you can't jump over all of them in less than 20 seconds"

Evan laughed. "You're on!" He ran over and started jumping and laughing while doing so. Jared laugh too. On the last one, however, his foot caught on the bench and he fell forward, landing on his hands and knees with a grunt.

Jared abruptly stopped laughing. "Evan!" he ran to the boy "Are you okay???"

Evan was breathing heavily as he stood. "Yeah, I think I just scraped up my knees and hands a bit." They were indeed scraped up, and one of his knees was bleeding.

"Oh, fuck! Let's go back inside so you can clean that up"

Evan sighed, "Okay." he started walking, limping a little

Jared hesitated before putting Evan's arm around his shoulders "Here, let me help you, it's my fault anyway"

Evan hummed thoughtfully. "This must be the second time you've done this, huh?"

"Yeah. Being around me seems to hurt you."

Evan scoffed. "The first incident didn't anything to do with you. That was all me."

"No, that was all Vince, actually." Jared corrected Evan as they walked into the room "You want help washing that?"

"Sure, thanks. " Evan says gratefully.

They walked into the bathroom and Jared helped Evan lean on the wall while he wet a washcloth and wiped the blood off Evan's knee gently.

Evan winced, and after a moment, commented, "Although technically, Vince asked me last week to loan him money, and if I had done that, he never would've taken my meds, so..."

Jared looked up at Evan in disbelief “Evan, don't be stupid. Vince would've done the exact same thing or maybe something even worse. He was a drug dealer. I'm just glad he's gone," he said as he continued to wash the blood off.

"Yeah, I guess it's a good thing that stuff is off college grounds now." he said.

"Yup. Anyway, all done." Jared staid as he stood up.

"Thanks." Evan said, shaking his leg and standing up too.

Jared got back onto his bed "Well, since we can't do anything active anymore, wanna watch some youtube videos? another movie? Or do you have any other ideas?

"Hmm... how about another movie?"

“Alright. You pick this time. And since I'm responsible for your knees, you can pick anything you want."

Okay, how about... How to Train Your Dragon?"

“Oh, fuck me." Jared groaned. 

They watched the movie for a bit before Jared’s mind wandered off. He wasn't particularly interested in the movie, which was no surprise.

His eyes fell on the notebook under Evan’s bed which was illuminated by the dimmed light of the room. His mind traveled to the torn out page again. 

He wanted to ask. His curiosity was killing him. He didn’t even know why, he just had this…feeling, that he needed to know what was on the page. 

His eyes kept switching from the screen to Evan's face and back for a while before he pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose and decided to speak up.

_Well, it’s now or never_

"Can I ask ya something? And just so you know, I'm only speaking up because I'm tired and my judgment is clouded, so answer with that in mind."

Evan looked at him carefully, and after a moment, said "Uh... sure."

Jared avoided Evan's face. "So...earlier when I found the notebook, I saw the last page was torn out and the remaining of it said "My C-"...and yeah, uh, I wanted to ask what was on it? Humans are naturally curious animals you know. But, you don't have to tell me, so yeah."

Evan's eyes widened, and for a moment, he just stared at Jared. His mouth opened, but nothing came out except for an awkward laugh. Then he said, "Well... It was just... Um, it was the first thing I wrote in the notebook, on the first day of middle school." His eyes suddenly brightened. "I titled it 'my classes' So, that's what I um... wrote about? Yeah, it was just an overview of that first day, so... yeah."

“Oh.”

_I do not believe a word you just said. But sure. Two can play this game._

_“_ That’s less interesting than I wanted it to be.”

Jared was suddenly very interested in the movie he previously disliked so much. 

"Heh, yeah. With me that shouldn't surprise you at this point... " he said with a small laugh.

Jared turned his head from the screen and faced Evan, whose face was closer than Jared anticipated. Jared's eyes moved to Evan's mouth quickly as he bit down on his lower lip, but his gaze went back to his eyes as quickly as they left.

"Hey, self deprecating humor is my thing, don't steal my thing. Plus, you're plenty interesting." 

"Whatever you say." said Evan with a shrug.

They started watching again and Jared got progressively more tired as the movie went on. He glanced over at Evan, who seemed to be enjoying himself. He tried to pay attention, but his eyelids were starting to feel too heavy to keep them up and he soon drifted off to sleep.

* * *

When Jared opened his eyes, he shifted his head, confused. It took him a little while to focus on the world around him, but once he did, the first thing he saw was Evan. Half-naked Evan, changing. Jared tried to say something, but was enjoying the view too much, so he just stared.

_Jesus Christ, looking this hot should be illegal_

Evan pulled on his pants and shirt, and turned around, eyes locking with Jared's.

Jared’s eyes widened in horror and he broke eye contact immediately, jumping off the bed to start looking for some fresh clothes.

"Just for the record, I wasn't staring at you, that'd be like, super gay. I was just trying to wake up and I didn't realize what I was looking at" he said with his back to Evan.

_Like anyone’d ever believe that_

"Yeah... of course." Evan said. He started making his bed. "Thanks for keeping me company last night."

"Yeah, whatever, no problem." Jared took his clothes and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change.

He leaned against the closed bathroom floor and sighed heavily. 

_I really gotta be more careful_

He came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, changed into his signature combo - an old t-shirt and a short-sleeved button up with some black jeans. "Oh, and uh, sorry about your knees. And that I fell asleep. But the second thing is kinda your fault since you picked such a boring movie."

Evan shrugged. "They don't hurt anymore, and you stayed up almost all night. Don't worry about it." He said, focusing on his phone.

Jared took out his phone and looked at the clock "I actually have an early class, so I better get going. See ya."

Evan looked up and smiled. "Okay, see you later."

Jared was pretty tired from the night’s events but found himself in a chipper mood anyway. He was getting progressively more screwed with each day, his feelings for Evan deepening and deepening, and he was aware of that. He decided to repress it as much as he could and enjoy the closeness he and Evan shared until it all blew up and he got his heart broken. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts right? 

After his classes, he made his way to the cafeteria and looked around until he saw his friends calling him over.

“Sup, bitches?” he said as he sat down next to Lottie, Luke and Brody sitting opposite them, holding hands. Jared grinned at the sight, happy the two of them hit it off. 

“Well look who decided to show up!” We don’t see much of you ever since Evan came to the school,” Lottie complained. 

“Oh fuck off, you only mind because you’re now stuck being the third wheel for these two lovebirds.”

Luke and Brody smiled at each other lovingly while Lottie rolled her eyes. She scoffed, “I don’t need a partner! My microscope and my painting supplies are all I need.”

“Right. But you do need to get laid sometimes,” Jared teased.

“Says the guy who’s stuck pining over his high school crush. And I do not have to do anything, Jared, people can live without sex.”

Luke and Brody let out mocking ooohs at her remark.

“People? Sure. You? Nah,” he said as he punched her in the arm playfully. 

“Fuck off,” she said. “So, speaking of your high school crush, what happened with Evan?! The whole ER situation?Luke only gave me a short run-down of the story and I want to hear everything. It sounds juicy.”

“Yeah, Evan almost dying, real juicy.” Jared said dryly. 

“Come on, I wanna hear it too. I like fucked up shit.” Brody contributed. 

And so, Jared was left with no choice but to retell the story to his friends. He made sure to keep it rather short but to also not leave out any important details. 

“...and then he told me about the meds and how he thought about overdosing and all that.” 

“Holy shit…” Brody sighed. “I didn’t know it’d get that fucked up. I mean, Luke did give me a quick run-down of y’all’s relationship through his school, but damn…”

The group went silent for a moment. 

“I wonder if that’s why he was so into The Connor Project?” Lottie said with an empty expression. 

Jared’s head snapped in her direction. “What do you mean?”

She looked at him cautiously. “Well...he went through the same thing Connor did, right? I mean, he was suicidal himself. He knows how alone Connor felt, and so he wanted to make sure other people didn’t feel as alone?”

Jared hummed. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense…” 

“Plus, I mean, the suicide note that was published was pretty heavy stuff…” Luke added.

The group was silent again until Jared realized what exactly Luke said. 

“Hold up. What suicide note?” Jared’s heart started beating faster.

Luke and Lottie exchanged confused looks. “The one that was...published? I don’t get your confusion,” Luke said. 

“We didn’t craft any suicide notes. When we had the big fight I told you guys about, I cut Evan myself out of Evan’s life and from the whole project. I haven’t seen anything that was posted there since. I’ve literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

The twins exchanged worried looks. “Well...when you told us about your situation last year, we googled The Connor Project, but most of the stuff has already been taken down by that point. We’ve only seen a couple of emails that were reposted to a couple of sites, and then we’ve also seen a suicide note that the blog it was posted to claims was on the official page before it was deleted.” Lottie explained.

“Well?! What did it say?” Jared snapped. 

The trio jumped at that. “Uh, I don’t remember…but I think I can find it on my phone. If it’s still on the blog, I mean.” Lottie said, her phone already in her hands. 

The group anxiously waited as Lottie pulled the letter up on the screen and let Jared read it. 

Jared felt a cold shiver run down his spine as he read the letter. 

_This must be real. Evan couldn’t have crafted this himself, he had trouble writing a simple email. He must’ve used one of the letters he wrote to himself as Connor’s fake suicide note. Meaning… meaning this is how he really felt. Meaning this is how miserable he was all the time._

His heart started racing and he felt the world around him slow down. 

_This can’t be how he felt. No no no no this cannot fucking be how he felt._

Jared felt tears forming in his eyes. 

“I have to go,” he mumbled before leaving the table, leaving his friends behind. 

He rushed out of the cafeteria and started racing around campus. He couldn’t imagine sitting down.

He had nowhere to go. He couldn’t go back to his room, because Evan was there and he couldn’t go anywhere else because other people were there.

And so he just mindlessly raced around, trying to calm down his breathing.

He knew he wasn’t having a panic attack exactly, but it was the closest he’d ever gotten to one, which made him feel even worse, knowing Evan felt this way often.

Everything about the situation made him _furious_. He couldn’t believe what an ass he was to Evan to selfishly hide his own feelings, when he could’ve been nice and help him. Or at least he could’ve tried to help him. But no, he pushed him away instead, making him think he wasn’t worthy of real friendship or more.

Jared knew Evan’s problems wouldn’t magically disappear if Jared had been nice to him, but he certainly didn’t help him. 

_Evan is such a good person. He’s nice and he’s kind, he obeys the rules and never causes trouble, he’s so beautiful inside and out and he has to deal with so much shit. Not only from his head but also from people and from the way they treat him. Fuck, this is so fucking unfair._

_Why can’t shit like that happen to people like me? People that don’t deserve to have a healthy brain, people who are fucked up already, people who aren’t good, people who don’t have literal sunshine and rainbows inside of them, people who don’t lighten up the room as soon as they enter…_

Jared’s anger was slowing turning into sadness. He sat collapsed next to a tree (how ironic) and rested his back against it, finally allowing the tears to stream down his face.

He started to feel sick to his stomach. He tugged his knees close to his chest and put his head between them, not wanting the world to see the vulnerable state he was in. Not that it fooled anybody.

He spent so much time there alone with his thoughts, so many negative feelings in his body, he didn’t even notice how late it had gotten. 

He slowly raised his head and scanned his surroundings. There weren’t any people around. He slowly got up and wiped his face, making his way to his dorm drowsily.

He walked into the room and his heart clenched when he saw Evan. He just wanted to hug him and tell him how amazing he is and how he never wants to let him go. 

However, he did no such thing and went straight for his bed instead, taking his phone out of his pocket and putting his headphones into his ears.

Evan, who had looked up in alarm when the door first opened, said, “Hey Jared.”

Jared's eyes were glued to the phone, his mind focused on the video he was watching. He was determined to take his mind off things by any means, not having enough strength to talk to Evan at the moment. He eventually laid down and put the covers over himself, turning his back to Evan.

After awhile, Evan commented, “Guess you’re tired after tired after staying up all night huh?”

_Fuck, I have to answer or he’ll figure out something’s wrong_

Jared turned his head to look at Evan, taking one of the headphones out of his ear "Did ya say anything?" 

Evan hesitated, before shaking his head and turning back around. “No, I j-just... Um... yeah, no.”

Jared turned back around and put the headphone back into his ear.

Evan continued to study for awhile, before he closed his book in frustration, got up, and laid down in his bed.

They laid like that for a while. After about 20 minutes of Jared hopelessly trying to forget Evan’s presence, he got up from his bed and started to put his shoes on. He suddenly felt as if the walls were closing in on him, the feeling of lying down not moving driving him insane. 

_I can’t stay here. I need a drink._

Evan turned his head in Jared’s direction, but didn’t say anything.

_It’s a good thing he doesn’t give enough of a shit about me to ask if I’m leaving or where I’m going. I don’t think I could lie to him right now._

He stood up and stormed out of the room without looking at Evan or saying a word. The door slammed behind him. 


	24. Jeremy Heere: Aftershocks

“Why are you still here?” Jeremy asked, frozen in place, “I got rid of you!”

B̸̥͓ṳ͉̙̪t̬̦̞͔̰͟ͅ ҉͖͕̦̝̘͕y̨͍̦̻͍͕̩͎o̤͖͕̝̠͠ú͈ ̶̻̯di͞d̹̩͔̯͠n̹̻̪ͅ’̛̱̘͖̫̠t̺̘͚̺̘̞.̖̫̥̼̬̰̞͢

 

“But the Mountain Dew Red shut you off!”

Ye̴̟̼s͔,̝̟̮͢ ̧̻̼̗̗i̢̦͙̙̣̮t̵͎̻̬͎ͅ ̱o͖͕͉n̮̮̥͔ͅl͍̺y̢ͅ ̟͓̖̻̫s͉̠̝̙͠ͅh̲̺̟̳̠̗͜u̥̪̪̭̫ͅt̞ ͔m̳̙̭ẹ͈̭ ̮̜̺̟ọ̮̲̳͓f͎͕̦̲̙f́. ̜͇̟̣T͖̯͓̦h̹̻͢a̲͔͉̼͓t͖̯̳̺̥’̳͙̝͓s̯̭̱͚͠ ̳͙͙̖̯̰̩i͟t̲̮̹̫.҉͖̺̠̱̹̩ T̵͓̩͉ͅḩ̮̺i͝n̤̟͠k̪͝ ̛̜̣̗̹͚̮̹o͉f̮͓ ̲̠̜͓͟i̦̬͓t̩̜͚͔̬ ̨̩l̙͙̙̘̝̝̫ị͓k͔̭e͖ ̗̹̫a͉̟͉͎̻͚͖͟ ͍͇̰͓̭ṕh̜ó͇nḛ͙̹̲.͕̱͎͚̥̀ͅ Y̬̮o͚͢u̟͞ ̡̲ća̠̗͍̘͖̘͞n ͕̱͖͖̠̞͡s͈̗̩̻̹͉ͅh̺͎̪ut̳͖̠̙͕ͅ ͚͢ḭ̫͔̣̗ͅt̜̯̠̗͙ ̰͓̱̬o͉f̷͉̰̝̺f̼͖̤̤͉͖ ̛͍͙̣͉b̼̱̫̘͡u̮̹̦̲̱͠t̴ ̥̰̫͔̙y̗͕͈̲o̗̩̳̻̘̖u̖̟̟͚͖ c͍̰̯͎̜̞a҉̲͉͖̫ͅͅn̮̰̙͖̟͖̣̕ ͝a̬̖̳̤̕l̮͉̠̻̠͝ͅs̡̜̥͎͍̖̼o̱͈͢ ̴̼͖̳̲͖͍t̸͔͎̦̪͈͚u̦̬̞͜r͈̥̦̱̬͚͍ń͍̣̭͕͉̫͖ ̼̪̦͇̼̰i̞̩͕͕t̲͍ ̀b̝̜͎͞a̟̮̦͞c̝̯̘̮k̙͉̦ ̰̤͇̲̺͘ͅͅo̴͚̻n̯͎̰̺̳͎͖.̨͖͙̱

 

“I didn’t have any Mountain Dew though.”

A̲̗̖͇͙̳g̸̬̹a͓̲̫͜ì͓͙̜̦̙̹n̳̪̹̥̰̲̻,̥̣ͅ ̫̫̩̬ͅl̹͇̥͝i͡k͚͓̱͔̞̪e͏̬ ̢͖̬͎͓̙a͎͈̳ ̤̹̮͙p̝̩̩h̴̗̲on̸̻͓̻̫̩̪̻è̩̩̰̼̬,҉͈̪̼̫͖̞ ͓t̻̱̻̯̟̕h̵͕̗̙̣͚̼e̶̪͙̥̣̞r̴̟̖̥̞ȩ ̪̦̼̙a̝̼̹͟ͅr̴͍̪̺e̜̳̬̠͎͙͡ ̮̮̟͓̱̝͙̀m̨͓u͚l͏̰͈̩ti̳̤̱̼̜p̼̯̖̤͢l̟̥̼̖̠̣͎e̳͖̥̥̩̠͝ ̼̬̲̦͞ͅw̧̦̝̯̗͙̹̫a̡͙͉̫͍y̹̟͇̻͖̩s̝̫ ͔̣t̢̠͉̖̗̱͇͚o̗̪ͅ ͙̳̀ṭ̵͖̻̩ͅu̢̼͈̖r̗͖̬̤͚̹n̢͍̫̥̣̪ ͞í̞̗͈̻t͠ ̢͍͔̙o̲̗͇͈n̮͖͉͔͎̳͢.̶̟͙̤̼̳͇̤ ͇̪͎̠̞͖̪͝Y̮̙͇͘o̘͔͇̩u ̵̦̹̲͕c̶͍̱̼a҉͉̣͖̩̤n̵̙̫͎̳͚̦ ̯̳̳̥̮̕ç̫̭̜̹̳̖ͅh͔͖̰̤͜ar̶̻̦̟̜͈̗g̶̤̱e̛͕̰̤̯̬͔̝ ̣̟͖͉̞i̩͇͓͈̳̮͠ͅt͏̝̥̝,̢ ̷̼̩o͓̝̼̣͇̲ͅr̝̰̭͚̺͙ ̙̻͔͓͍̩y̯̻͓͇̖͈͟ͅoṵ̘̩̭̝̟̝ ͈̘̖̀c̶͕̰a̪̕n̤ ̣̟̩͇͕̘̤́t͜u̝̱r͚͖͍̪̳̫͖n̻̱͉̩̗͖ ̬̯i̤̣̫͎̥t̫͚̤̝̘ ̸̖̦̞o͈n̛̜ ̖̟̹̺̤̙̬m͙̜̻̙̼a̗͉ń͍͓̱̳͕̬u̷̬a̸̮͙͖͇̭͎ͅl͔͎̗̥̠͝ͅl̼y̦̝͙.̢͕ ̫̭̩͚̰̥͎̕M̛͓̮̫͉̜̜ò̪̦u̲ṇ̺͚̘̯̼t̰̺͕͇̩ą̗̭̩̪͔̳i̤̟̘͇͉ǹ̦̺͙ ̱̝D̖̙̥͕͡e͢w͚ ͏͎̦̞í̖͓̙͚͇̳ͅs̹̦̟̲ ̶̞n̻̟͎̟ͅo͖͢t̵̘̪̯̩̪͔̫ ̸̟t̖h̬̹̭͕͚͢e ̜͘o̞n͚͇̝l̠̞̼̼̺̜ͅy̘ ̫̯͍̞w̪͖a̛͓͉̪͙y͞ ̛̥t̵͉̼̮̘͓o͖̟̜͎͕ ̺͍̲̱̹ͅţu͍͕̰̲̜̬r̯̰͇̬̣n͉̬͉̟̹͢ ͍̳̕m̩͡ͅe͇͔̬̤̯̭ ̯̯b̜̰͔̰a͙̺̩̥̮c͔̳̝̞͠k͏̪̪̟͖͙̹̟ ̵͖͕on̰̤.̧͖̜̻

 

The SQUIP’s broken form of Keanu Reeves appeared in front of him. It smiled a twisted smile.

“Then how did I...” he couldn’t speak. Terrible memories flooded back of when Jeremy couldn’t speak or move. He was trapped. And although he knew he was dreaming, he was still trapped. The SQUIP was not a figment of his imagination. No, it was real. And it was in his brain. Forever.

Y̡̜̖͈͖̝o͎͚͡u̻͎̭̘͖̬ ̢̤̪͚̱ͅl͕̳̖̦͔͎͇ǫ͈̪͔̖s̤͕̟ͅt̩̦̤͔̖̟͇ ͔͚̭̝̗̀c̛͓͉̳̰̝ͅǫ̱̼̻̥̦̘͇n̴̗̜̘̱̦͇ṭr̷͕͕̫͚͇̳͇o͕̩̝̮͇̼͕̕l̠͖̯̠̱̪.͏̺̭͍̱̩͖̰

 

Jeremy bolted right up in his bed. He was sweating terribly and breathing hard. Why wouldn’t it just go away? He felt hot tears stream down his face. Wiping them, he thought to himself, _Why are you crying? It’s a stupid computer in your brain. That’s nothing to cry about._

He sighed and frowned at himself before looking over to see Michael sleeping peacefully. Sighing again, he stood up and grabbed his clothes before changing in the bathroom. Once ready, he went and sat on his bed again, noticing it was really early. He looked over at Michael again and froze. He was scared. It was back and Jeremy was scared of what it might do to Michael. What if it blocks him again? What if it hurts him worse? What if-

"You ready for small group?" _Geez!_ He hadn’t realized Michael was up. Jeremy snapped out of the...trance...he was in.

“O-oh! Yeah!”

"Good. You better prepare yourself, because I have some choice words to say about Monday's lecture." Michael had a determined glint in his eye.

Jeremy laughed, “And I wonder what they are.”

"Oh you'll see." Michael said with a grin. The two left for their small group. When they got there, they found seats next to each other and sat down. Eventually, Mrs. Bordeaux came in. Hopefully this wouldn’t be like the last times. But that’s what Jeremy always wished for. It never happened. Ever.

"Okay everyone. I'm sure you all enjoyed Monday's lecture, and were excited to have the honor of Mrs. Yada being the speaker. She's quite renowned in the world of social science, and you should be proud that she came to speak at our humble little school. Now, just like last week, let's go around the room and give our thoughts about it."

Jeremy froze before muttering, “We weren’t there...”

"We were there for the important parts." Michael whispered. He was right..."If the introduction was anything to go by, I'd guess the part of her thing that we missed was similar to what we already heard." He hoped that was it and that they really didn't miss anything. And if they did others probably will share it. Maybe. He just shrugged in response. They listened to the students talk about the lecture, how the results were so accurate and how great the lecture was. Finally, it was Michael's turn. _Oh this is going to be good._

"I thought the results of the assessment were pretty accurate, and Mrs. Yada definitely has a grasp on the way personalities differ... but I thought what she said about relationships is complete bullshit." The room was filled with the gasps of students and Jeremy holding back laughter.

"To suggest that people with mental health issues shouldn't be in relationships until they fix their problems is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!” he continued, “Things like anxiety and depression can be managed through therapy and medication, but having the support of friends and people who love you plays an even bigger role. They go through so much already, and making them feel insecure and even guilty for having relationships on top of that is wrong!" Jeremy’s laughter stopped as he remembered the night before.

Mrs. Bordeaux stared at him, expression blank. After a minute, she said calmly. "Well, Michael was it? I appreciate your concern, and you're allowed to have a different opinion, just like everyone here, but I think you're blowing this a little out of proportion."   _Blowing it out of proportion!?_

Michael scoffed. "Really? You don't know how it can affect people. The stuff she said can really mess with someone. Imagine feeling guilty for being in a relationship with someone? Any kind of relationship? Because you have issues! How is that beneficial to our identity? How can that improve anyone? Because, that is what you claim this class is for, right?” _He was right._

Mrs. Bordeaux narrowed her eyes. "I believe people with mental health issues often have an ulterior motive for forming relationships. They often do it to have comfort, but not return it. As a result, the relationship is unbalanced, and all that can come of this is hurt. The sick individual will only bring the stable one down with them."

Michael suddenly stood up. "How dare you-"

"It's wrong and selfish to needlessly spread your issues to another person like a disease. _Now please sit down." A disease? A...a disease?! Sure mental illness is a sickness. But it's not deadly disease that could wipe all of human race!_

Michael froze, and after a moment, he slowly sat down. Mrs. Bordeaux sighed heavily. "Okay. Who's next?" Jeremy was done being silent. He figured that for once in his life he won't sit there, a shadow in the nothingness. Not anymore.

“Wait wait...A...What?” Jeremy said, angrily.

Mrs. Bordeaux looked at Jeremy. "Ah yes, you're next. Go ahead then." She was a little too calm for what was about to happen.

“No, no. What did you say? ‘A disease’? So you think mental illness is just ‘a disease’?”

Mrs. Bordeaux paused. "Well, it's known as mental illness for a reason. It's taken a long time for it to be recognized as such. Would you rather go back to a time when it went unrecognized and untreated?" _Wow. Just, wow._

“No, I’d rather go back to a time when assholes like you recognized it as it really is.” Jeremy glared at her, not caring about the gasps from the others in the room.

She laughed, "This is ridiculous! People with mental illness want their illnesses to be taken with the same seriousness as physical illnesses, but as soon as their ability to let it excuse everything they do is taken away, suddenly it all changes. You can't have it both ways."

Standing up, Jeremy snapped, “If someone is physically sick, they can have relationships. That’s not frowned upon. So why is mental illness any different? We don’t want to be alone! We want happiness too! What you think you’re doing to help, only hurts!” Jeremy was just, so done with her shit!

"If a disease is contagious, doctors do all that they can to make sure it doesn't spread. Mental illness can be spread just by getting too close to it." _Ah yes. I'm standing next to this perfectly mentally healthy person. Oh god! Now they have anxiety because I'm too close to them! Really?_ "That is a fact, and it's sick that it's allowed to continue. Now if you're just going keep going with this, I'd ask that you schedule a private meeting to express your concerns. Until then, kindly let us continue with our valid discussion."

Michael suddenly stood up, and said with his voice tight, as if trying to keep it steady, "I'm leaving then. Wouldn't want to spread my disease any further." Then he walked out. He just, walked out. Honestly, what's there to lose anymore? Jeremy smirked and waved to the group before following him out. Michael stopped a few feet away from the classroom, and let out a shaky sigh.

“I’m sick of them. We aren’t messed up...” Jeremy turned to Michael, “Right..?” _Are we? Are we twisted up beings? Are we trapped in a perfect world, ruined by only us and what we do? Maybe..._

Michael turned to Jeremy with a tired smile, "Not anymore messed up than most people." And that was enough validation for him.

“Good,” he looked away and leaned against the wall, “Do you think anyone will come after us?” he didn't think so.

Michael just shrugged in response, "Probably not. We're adults, and they get paid whether we're there or not."

“Ha. I wish we could have brought more with us.” Jeremy laughed. 

"Yeah. I don't know what I expected. For her to see the error of her ways? Or to take a stand and lead everyone out of the classroom in protest?" Michael sighed. "But we might be the only ones who have an issue with it." _What were they thinking? Maybe to just...open their eyes. Even just a crack. Enough to see the blinding light of the sun. Enough to see the truth._

“Yeah...” After a few seconds, Jeremy spoke, “I hope we aren’t the only ones who actually said anything.”

"Yeah. If we are... then this school is way more messed up than we are."

Jeremy laughed, “Let’s just hope that’s not the case.”

"Yeah. Imagine if they outlawed the mentally ill from being around people? It'd be like the zombie apocalypse, except we're the zombies!" Michael said with a grin.

“Wouldn’t that be cool.” He smiled, before he looked away and frowned. They are the fucked up ones. The ones no one wants to be around. The ones parents warn their kids about. Avoid them because they're sick. And you can't see it. God, they are the fucked up ones in society, aren't they?

"What's wrong?" Michael could see it, couldn't he?

"Oh. Nothing." Jeremy lied.

"Okay. Well anyway, thanks for uh... continuing the protest for me after I was shut down. I know you don't like confrontation very much, so... I appreciate it."

"Yeah. It's okay."

"I mean, we both completely failed to make a difference, but at least they know that it wasn't just me who disagreed. And who knows? Maybe someone takes what we said to heart."

“I hope they do.” Jeremy whispered. He felt like he was speaking too loud. Something was pounding in his head, telling him to shut up. But he didn’t want to.

Michael nodded, "Well, I'd better get going. Don't want to miss an actual important class. I'll see you later."

E̫̣̞͕͓͈ͅv̠͈e̡n͘ ̢̖̭͓̯̯h҉̙̗̦͖e̲̮̟͎ͅ ͚̻ͅw̢̖̪̥͈ąn͇t̠̣̭̩̕s͚̠̦̟̟̥͔ ҉͇͎̣̫̤y͈̦̤̲͖̥o͓͇͍u̮͚̠̞͜ ̹̼̘t̰̬̱͇̤̤̝o͖̜ ̡̥̰̲̠͈̟̩s̨͓̪̦͍̣h̴̻͖̠u҉̲̝͎t͈̬̘͇ ̫̠̣̘̫͕͡ṷ̧͇̻̳̜p͚̯̗.̺̺͉̼̩̜̳

 

_Stop. Just...stop._

After Michael left, Jeremy had nothing to really do. Sure, he had his drama class next. But he didn't care. Eventually, he kinda got bored of being bored. So he started wandering until he really had to go to class. When he got there, Jeremy noticed that Christine was nowhere in sight. That was probably for the best, since she would definitely notice something was off about him. He felt a little guilty for thinking that.

O̖̼͘n̨͇͉͚l͇͉͉̜̝̰̀y̖̗̫̻͔ ҉̝͖͚͕ͅt͚͍͈̤͈͡h̳̲i̲͘n̥͔̖̜͖k͓̤̙̘̪i̗̭̹͎n̛̮͉͖̥̠g ̩o̷̱̹̻̹̹͍f͔̣͚͝ ͞y̶̞o̖̮ụ̱̫̥̦̱̹r̰͉͕s̟̥̗͉̬e͘l̤͓̬̀f̸̩̜̲,̷̱̘̠̠̹̪͙ ̞̪͍̳̝̝̺a͕͎̳̦s̢͔̱͓ ͖̯̀a̧l̢̟̗͖w̛͖̳͙͙a̲̖͓̜͉y̡̮̥̥s̞̞͓͙̳̜̩.̻̫̬̙͚

 

_Shut up._

The rest of the day was much of the same. Jeremy kept to himself, and fought off the SQUIP’s control as best he could. He didn’t know if it actually could take over again, but it was difficult to not let the harsh words get to him.

However, Jeremy was looking forward to some relief as he made his way back to his dorm. Michael always seemed to make things better. Once he arrived, Jeremy drowsily walked into the room, noticing Michael on his phone, sitting at his desk.

"Yeah, that makes sense. God, I just can't believe he would do that!" Michael said, and after a moment, "Right? Yeah, it's crazy."

Not wanted to interrupt him, Jeremy set his things down and sat on the edge of his bed, still listening in.

"Well at least they were able to it taken care of so quickly...Yeah... me too." Michael looked over, saw Jeremy, and smiled, "Well, I gotta go Peter, I'll talk to ya later...Okay, bye." he hung up.

“Hey...uh...what’s up?” Jeremy asked.

Michael sighed, "Well, that was Peter on the phone. He went over to Evan's room to find out what happened."

“Well...what happened?” Jeremy’s voice filled with worry at the mention of Evans name.

"First of all, he's out of the hospital. He was sleeping when Peter went over, but he's doing fine. He has a new roommate though. His old one... was kind of responsible for what happened."

 _Oh no…_ Jeremy frowned, “What does that mean...?”

Michael sighed again. "I don't know if you know this, but Evan takes medication for anxiety. Xanax, it's called. Well, his roommate kind of... stole it. Evan had really bad withdrawal symptoms and had to go to the ER."

_Hold up. He did what? Why would someone steal medication from someone else! That’s not- I mean… Come on!_

The worry in Jeremy’s eyes quickly faded into anger, “Why the Hell would he steal it!?” He snapped. He didn’t mean to yell at Michael but he was furious!

"Apparently he sold it. He's like, a drug dealer or something." _Another one?_

“Geez. Like we need anymore of those on campus...” Jeremy mumbled, bitterly.

Suddenly, Michael's eyes widened. "You don't think... they could be connected... do you? Seth and Andy, and this?"

Confusion enveloped Jeremy before he suddenly realized what Michael meant, “Half of me doesn’t want this to be connected and the other half does...” he muttered. _If it is connected, That would mean there would be more people in on the same business but then again, it would mean there aren’t two separate businesses going._

"Oh man, if it is connected, then there are definitely more people involved, and more people getting hurt!" Michael exclaimed.

“Oh shit...” Jeremy froze, “What if...”

“What?”

“What if they start targeting people?” Knowing them, they’d stop at nothing until someone was out of the picture.

Michael’s face went pale. “They…they already have.”

“...Michael...what do you mean..?” _What did they do!?_

Michael stood up and reached into his backpack on the floor. He pulled out a piece of paper, “I... found this... on my desk yesterday." It was a note that read,

—Keep your mouth shut if you want to make it to graduation—

Jeremy covering his open mouth, gasping, “Holy...They...They gave that to you..?”

"I mean, it's safe to say that it was them. Oh god, if they have other people involved... Literally anyone could be in on it!" Michael brought a shaking hand to his mouth and sat down on his bed. "I won't be able to trust anyone!”

 _Oh god. He was about to panic._ Jeremy stood up, worried, and started towards the other, “Michael... it’s okay...it’ll be okay.” He needed to know they’d be fine.

Michael ran his hands through his hair roughly and lowered his head, "I can't trust anyone... everyone I know here could be...with them!” He didn’t hear Jeremy.

Jeremy continued walking towards him. Once in front of him, he reached out to him and said, “Can I touch you?” Jeremy knew consent mattered a lot in situations like these. Michael raised his head slightly, and shakily nodded in response.

Jeremy put one hand on his shoulder and used the other to lift his chin up, “Hey, it’s alright. Focus on me, okay?” Michael stared at Jeremy, and then nodded again. His breathing was very quick and it sounded labored but he took a deep breath and focused on Jeremy.

“It’s alright. There are still people you can trust. Not everyone’s like them, okay?”

“Okay...yeah.” Michael started to calm down.

After a minute of silence, Jeremy asked, “Are you feeling better?”

"Um... yeah." he took another shaky breath. "Sorry... I just... I've been kinda stressed out about this, and I kinda lost it there for a second."

Realizing the slightly awkward position the two were in, Jeremy pulled away from him, “Don’t worry. You have a pretty good reason to lose it.”

"Heh, yeah. But... I suppose there are still people I can trust. Especially you." Michael said with a small smile.

Jeremy smiled back, “Glad you don’t doubt me.”

"Yeah. Thanks for... helping me there."

“No problem! I mean, you helped me, didn’t you?”

"Yeah." Michael sighed, "So... what do we do now?"

“I...I don’t know...” Jeremy started, “Maybe you should just...lay low...you know..?”

“Lay low?” Michael questioned.

“Don’t...Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Pttf, when have I ever done that?” Jeremy glared at him. He did stupid shit all the time. It was normal, but for once, Jeremy needed him not to.

Michael cleared his throat. “Point taken.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I don’t know, maybe if I looked into what they’re doing, I could...”

“Michael!” Jeremy yelled. He just told him not to!

“What?” He was acting clueless...

“I just said-“ Jeremy sighed and face palmed.

Michael sighed. "Okay... Maybe you're right. If they found out what I was doing, who knows what would happen."

“You remember what happened the first night?” Jeremy said, anger and worry showing in his voice, “This time, they won’t fail...” he paused, “So promise me you won’t.”

Michael looked uncertain for a moment, and then nodded. "Okay. I promise."

Jeremy sighed in relief, “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He playfully punched Michael’s arm. _God, what was that!? What are you doing Jeremy!_

Michael smiled. "Yeah. The feeling's mutual buddy."

“Good.” Jeremy smiled.

Michael nodded, "Well, now that that's settled, uh... how was your day?" The two talked about their days the rest of the night, happy that there wasn’t anything terrible going on at the moment. Something that could ruin this night. They didn’t need another one of those.

* * *

 

The next day, Jeremy woke up feeling a bit groggy. Despite this, he was at least happy that he didn’t have a nightmare last night. Maybe this SQUIP business was starting to fade again.

D̶̙o͚̰̫̦͔̼̞͡n̯͇̩̫͓͜’̶̙̠̮t͖̞͕̝̹͎̝ ̷̰̬̱̥̬ͅć̼̖̰̬o͙̰̰u̗̬̥͕̫n͟t͕ ͍͈o͇̜̪n͍̭̗̦͖̳̮ ̛̮͉͙̝i̳͔͈t.͎̯̙͎̕

 

 _Oh…_ At this point, part of Jeremy wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. At least stay in bed all day, screw classes. But then, he realized that his first class of the day was Composition… the one with Evan! With a reason to hurry, Jeremy rushed to get ready so he could get to class.

When Jeremy walked into the classroom an hour later, he noticed the blond at his desk, on his phone. _Evan was okay!_

As soon as Jeremy sat down, he looked over to Evan and spoke, quietly, "You’re okay!” he was happy! His fr- would you call him a friend? Jeremy didn't know. But he was okay!

Evan turned to him surprise, "Oh, uh... yeah."

Jeremy smiled before realizing, “Oh shit. Okay so, yeah...I knew about the...incident. I probably should have told you...”

"Oh... Heh." Evan looked embarrassed. "I guess word travels fast around here."

Jeremy shook his head and laughed, ”No. It doesn’t. Probably. I only know cause my friend told me. Peter told him.”

 Evan relaxed. "Ah, okay. who's your friend?"

"His name's Michael." Jeremy answered.

Evan smiled. "Huh, it's a small world then. I know him too!"

Jeremy's eyes lit up, “Really!?” he already kinda knew that they knew each other to some degree, so why was he so happy?

B̹e͖͖̞̹̪c̛a̱̝̲̹̣͔u҉̞͚̰͈͕̜͎ș̸e͔̩̦͕̮̗ͅ ̟̠̭̲y͕͍̫o̗͠u̲͕͔͕̮͉̭ ͕̥̲̤k̞̱͓͉͖̝̩ņ̜͈̬̯͎̞o̢͔͉̙w͎͈͞ ͏͈h͚̲̙̻͎̥e ̜̹̪h̶̬̫̩a̤̞͔̗̣̠s̘̮͈̫̲̠̼ ̸s̘͟o̙̝m͈̙̲̲̥e̖͉̪̹͈̬͘o̗̝̯̼̫̖ͅn̠̰̳e̤ ̜̦̰e͙͎̺͈̙̪͍͠l̹̝̯̦s̩͚e ͍̳͙f̙̪ͅo̰̬͠r͔͓̹ ̸w̶̦͎h̹̀en͘ ̢̦̺̲͎̼̤̰h͉͍̖̣͠e̜̖̙ ͜l̥̯̲͟è͕͉̼̙̖̤av̤̥̤͈̰̱͠ͅe̶̜s̥̲͠ ̙͝ỵ̢͉̣̤̝̼̬o͘u̩̯̬͈̮.͏̰̼̲̼

 

_Shut up!_

"Yeah. Me, Peter, Ollie, and him have hung out a couple of times." Evan answered before the SQUIP could speak anymore.

“Well it’s nice to see he’s made friends other than just me.” he smiled.

"Yeah. He's really good at making friends. Just kind of... syncs up with them pretty quickly." he paused for a moment, before saying, "But back to your question, I am doing okay now. It's been pretty crazy, but... yeah." Evan smiled happily. Soon, the teacher came in and began the class. It all went smoothly, except Evan did look a little nervous throughout the class. 

When the class ended, Evan stood up. "Well, I'll see you later Jeremy."

“Yeah.” said Jeremy, before quickly adding, “Evan? It’s okay. Really.”

He turned back to Jeremy with a relaxed smile, "Yeah. Thanks." he gave a friendly wave and left. Jeremy waved back, despite not being seen. This happened every time. It was normal.

Getting up, Jeremy walked out the door, and started to head to the cafeteria. On his way there, the SQUIP decided it needed to keep him company. Or at least try.

E̦̼v̛a͈̪n͓̠,̤̜̦͕͔̻̜͜ ̶͎̙̝̱h̶̗̮̼͚̩̗uh̪̀?̦̞ ҉̠̰͉̜̝͓A̘n͈̜o̶̜̼̤̫̬͈t̻h̙͚̫e̷r̛͍̪͍ ͢o̖̰̖̳͇̬ne͎ ̶̮̟͍͙o̳͉̞̼͉͎͓f̩ ̺̟̰̪̗̝͠M̙̺i̭̭̬̜ͅc̻̕h͍̦̟à̗el̛’̩̝̠͉̫s̳̯͕̠ ͞f̘͘r̲̦͉̯͙̬̣i̝͎͍̲͜e̼̘͚͇̜̱͞n̰̼̩̣̤̻d̞͍̮̼̠͢s͇̟͕?̙́ I̥̣̠̖ ̬̮̕ţ̘͍͚h̛̞͚͇̺̠͇̖o̪̲̱̩̗͇̣u͇̪̜̪̪̺̹͟g̢̙̜͔̠̰͚h̫̟̙̞̲͘ţ̭ ͇͍̮̗͜y͎̜̙̠̼͘o̞͉̥̙͞u̧̞ ẉ̥̬̮̩e̳͈̺̞͜r͔̀e̺̙ ̤̹̝̖͕à͍͕̖ḷ̝ͅl̠͚͈͖͖͍̪ ̦̼̩̲̟̮̬͜h̻͞e ̟͈̰h̳͎ͅa̠̥̭͙̠͖d̹͕͓͍͢ͅ?͉ͅ

 

Jeremy ignored him.

Y͝o̫̕u̜ ̕w̬e̱͈̪rḙ̪͚̙̖͟ ̦͎̫̗be̳̘̞͈̖f͍̞̗̟o̰̝̭̻̻͡ͅr̪͙̮̱̪̤e̞̳.̭͜.͈̰͎͔͈.̧̰

_..._

Ít҉̦̟̘’̗̦̼͍̪̬̲s̟̦̥̩̦ͅ ͚͖̳̖̺̣̜h̴̪̙ḭ̝̖g̞h̰̪̤̼͎̟͕ ̦̲̖̀s̤̜̻͖̣͓̭͘c̢̹͕͇͓ͅh̺ọ̀o̢̰̜ͅl̫̦̰̖̫̕ ̧̼̞͔͕̜ͅa͖̞͇̱̺͔l̢̤̟͙̜l̞̞̮ ̨͓̫̝̞͚͚o̡͔̘v͇̝e̥͈̱̹̫͕̭r̝̝͕̮ ̻̤͚͚a̼̱g̖͓͔̯̩ạ̟̥͔̮í̮̲̹͚̯ͅń̹͖̫͉̩̦,̦̞̙͍́ ̶̲̹b̧̫̰u̶͖̝̞̯̜͙͓t͡ ̡̻͚f̛̣̝͇̪̦ḽ̼͉̗̗ḭ̤p͍͞ ̬͍͉͇t͍̜h̨̦ę ̶̟̖̦̘̗r̭͚̮̩̀ơ̬͔͈l̪͕̤̪̻̦e҉̙͔s̲͓͚͙̮̺̩.̕

 

Once it realized Jeremy wasn’t going to talk, it shut up. Before long, he had reached the cafeteria. Walking in, he grabbed his food and sat at an empty table, waiting for the inevitable entrance of Kylee and Max. Any se-

He couldn’t even finish his thought when he felt hands cover his eyes and a sweet voice ask, “Guess who?”

“Not Kylee I know that.” Jeremy said and she laughed, uncovering his eyes. Max was now sitting across from him, Kylee walking around the table to sit next to her.

“So what’s up?” Kylee asked. _Venting time!_ He couldn’t share stuff about Michael, Evan, and the drugs, since it wasn’t his to share, but he could talk about the lovely Identity and Vocation class.

Jeremy took a deep breath before explaining everything that had happened the previous day. He needed someone to talk to and the girls were his best choice. They always were. Eventually yesterday drifted into the days before, and he kind of got stuck on the topic of Michael. Ask him how he got there and he wouldn't be able to tell you.

"Honestly, he doesn't really like himself all the time and I know some of that might be my fault. Don't ask but I know it. And I don't see how he couldn't love himself. I mean, he's sweet and kind and lovable, and he's just perfect! And I mean, he doesn't see anyone loving him, but I don't see why people don't! He's never had a girlfriend, boyfriend, or anything in between, and I don't get it! Why can't people just see that he's perfect! I mean, come on guys! Give him a chance!"

Jeremy was staring off into space. He stopped, thinking for more to say when he heard laughing. Looking at Kylee, he noticed the brunette covering her mouth laughing. He looked at her, confused.

"Oh my God, you are so in love it's funny." She told him. He looked even more confused.

"In love?" _What the Hell was she talking about?_

She froze before speaking cautiously, "Okay, so either you're lying to me, or you're just stupid. Both?" The look Jeremy gave her made her slam her head on the table. She winced at the loud sound, laughing as well. Max, beside her, was laughing a little too hard. She was crying, pounding her fist on the table.

"What's so funny?!" Jeremy asked the two.

It took a moment before Kylee calmed down enough to speak, lifting her head up, "Jeremy, poor Jeremy. Michael? You're in love with him."

"What?" Jeremy asked, dumbfounded.

"You're sitting here, gushing about how attractive he is, how lovable he is, and how you don't understand how he hasn't had any datemates." she smiled, trying not to laugh again. Max still wasn't done laughing.

"Datemates?" Jeremy asked.

"It's a gender fluid name for lovers. Still, you're literally telling us how much you love him, without saying you love him."

"Well yeah, he's my friend."

"I think you see him as more than that though. Just think about it, okay?" With that, the girls stood up, waved, and walked away from the confused kid. He looked down at his food, even more confused. He didn’t like Michael in that way! Right? Before he could think on it anymore he decided to just finish his food. He needed to get away from those thoughts.

After lunch, he had a while before his next class. A long while. So, instead of being consumed by his thoughts, he wandered away from campus. He went to the city park and stayed a while before heading over to a cafe for a coffee. His dad called him to ask how school was so far, and they chatted for a while. After he hung up, not long after, he got a phone call from his mother. Why did she even have his number anymore? She never called. Turns out, she just wanted to check up on him and college like his father did. The tension hung heavy in the air. Eventually, she claimed to be late for a meeting and hung up. Jeremy didn’t know whether or not to be glad.

His next class was chemistry. He decided to stay as far away from the girls as possible for the time being. They didn’t seem to mind. But he saw them laughing. He tried glaring at them but they only laughed harder.

“Excuse me Miss Anderson? Miss Garcia? What’s so funny?” The professor asked, gritting his teeth. Both girls stopped abruptly.

“Nothing sir. We’re sorry.” Kylee said. Max was shying away but, Kylee, despite her bubbly, joking persona, she was serious. Almost as if talking to an officer of some sort. Jeremy would ask her about it later. The professor nodded, still eying the girls, angrily, before going back to his lesson. Well that was fun. And that was only the first quarter of class. They went over the basics again. Trying to get the students “freshened up” he said. Despite it being the basics, it was rather complicated. Multiple times Jeremy wanted to pick up his textbook and chuck it straight at the professor's head. But no. He couldn’t. That’s not what “civil” people do. As the class ended and the students were filing out, Jeremy heard a voice call out to him. 

“Mr. Heere?” Turning, Jeremy noticed the professor staring at him. Sheepishly, Jeremy shuffled over to him, terrified of what he did.

“Y-Yes sir?”

“I noticed you were looking...stressed today. Is it the class?”

“Um...kinda..I-I mean, it isn’t hard! B-but it’s uh...confusing..” Why was he stuttering so much?

The professor didn’t seem to mind, however, “I understand. But if you ever need help, don’t be afraid to ask, okay?” Jeremy nodded and the professor shooed him out of the classroom.

Again, Jeremy felt a sense of relief when he went back to his dorm. Michael was there with his trademark smile, which only grew when Jeremy told him about seeing Evan. They hung out for the rest of the evening, playing video games and teasing each other relentlessly.

Thankfully, Michael said that he hadn’t received anymore threatening messages. This helped Jeremy have hope that this drug stuff Michael was caught up in would eventually blow over. It would definitely be a relief to both of them.

When it began to grow late, they both got ready to go to bed. Once the two tried to sleep, however, Jeremy couldn’t. He was lying awake, the one question he promised he wouldn’t ask himself, and spent all day avoiding, burning in his mind.

_Am I in love with Michael?_


	25. Michael Mell: Aftershocks

When Michael woke up, he saw Jeremy sitting up in his bed, acting strange. He looked zoned out. Michael watched him for a minute, and then decided to speak up.

"You ready for small group?” he asked.

Jeremy jumped in surprise. “O-oh! Yeah!”

"Good. You better prepare yourself, because I have some choice words to say about Monday's lecture.” _I’ve been waiting for this since Monday morning. Someone needs to tell the teacher how the things being taught could affect people._

Jeremy laughed, “And I wonder what they are.”

"Oh you'll see." Michael said with a grin. He knew that technically it was a guest speaker that said the specific things on Monday that he had issue with, and not the I+V teacher, but she approved the speaker, and she seemed to have a similar opinion in the first class.

The two left for their small group. When they got there, they found seats next to each other and sat down. Eventually, Mrs. Bordeaux came in. Michael fought the urge to roll his eyes at her fake looking smile.

"Okay everyone. I'm sure you all enjoyed Monday's lecture, and we’re excited to have the honor of Mrs. Yada being the speaker. She's quite renowned in the world of social science, and you should be proud that she came to speak at our humble little school. Now, just like last week, let's go around the room and give our thoughts about it.”

 _Oh, I’ll give my thoughts alright._ Michael thought.

Jeremy leaned over and whispered, “We weren’t there…” He looked worried.

“We were there for the important parts.” Michael whispered. “If the introduction was anything to go by, I'd guess the part of her thing that we missed was similar to what we already heard.” He half hoped that another student would say something about the problematic things said, but everyone just gushed about how accurate the results were.

Finally, it was Michael’s turn. He took a deep, nervous breath, and spoke. “I thought the results of the assessment were pretty accurate, and Mrs. Yada definitely has a grasp on the way personalities differ... but I thought what she said about relationships is complete bullshit.”

Unsurprisingly, the other students gasped, and Michael saw the teacher purse her lips. Before she got a chance to respond, he continued. “To suggest that people with mental health issues shouldn't be in relationships until they fix their problems is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Things like anxiety and depression can be managed through therapy and medication, but having the support of friends and people who love you plays an even bigger role. They go through so much already, and making them feel insecure and even guilty for having relationships on top of that is wrong!”

Mrs. Bordeaux stared at him, expression blank, which made Michael a little nervous.After a minute, she said calmly. "Well, Michael was it? I appreciate your concern, and you're allowed to have a different opinion, just like everyone here, but I think you're blowing this a little out of proportion.”

Michael scoffed. "Really? You don't know how it can affect people. The stuff she said can really mess with someone. Imagine feeling guilty for being in a relationship with someone? Any kind of relationship? Because you have issues! How is that beneficial to our identity? How can that improve anyone? Because, that is what you claim this class is for, right?”

Mrs. Bordeaux narrowed her eyes. "I believe people with mental health issues often have an ulterior motive for forming relationships. They often do it to have comfort, but not return it. As a result, the relationship is unbalanced, and all that can come of this is hurt. The sick individual will only bring the stable one down with them.”

 _How dare she say that? Does she even realize that’s exactly what we fear is the case?_ Michael stood up, actually angry now. "How dare you-"

"It's wrong and selfish to needlessly spread your issues to another person like a disease. Now please sit down.”

Michael froze. He tried, he really tried not to let her words affect him. _It’s not true! I’m not selfish!_ His eyes moved across the room, and suddenly, everyone’s stares felt hostile to him. He slowly sank into his seat, now fighting the urge to cry.

Mrs. Bordeaux sighed heavily. "Okay. Who's next?" Michael closed his eyes, wishing he could sink into the floor. He had made a scene and the teacher just made a complete fool of him.

Then, Jeremy’s voice rang out through the room, interrupting Michael’s self disdain. “Wait wait...A...What?” He sounded angry, very angry, and it all directed at the teacher.

Mrs. Bordeaux looked at Jeremy. "Ah yes, you're next. Go ahead then.” Michael couldn’t believe it. _Jeremy was going to speak out?_

"No, no. What did you say? ‘A disease’? So you think mental illness is just ‘a disease’?”

Mrs. Bordeaux paused. "Well, it's known as mental illness for a reason. It's taken a long time for it to be recognized as such. Would you rather go back to a time when it went unrecognized and untreated?” _Wow…_

“No, I’d rather go back to a time when assholes like you recognized it as it really is.” When Jeremy said that, everyone gasped, including Michael.

She laughed, "This is ridiculous! People with mental illness want their illnesses to be taken with the same seriousness as physical illnesses, but as soon as their ability to let it excuse everything they do is taken away, suddenly it all changes. You can't have it both ways."

Standing up, Jeremy snapped, “If someone is physically sick, they can have relationships. That’s not frowned upon. So why is mental illness any different? We don’t want to be alone! We want happiness too! What you think you’re doing to help, only hurts!”

"If a disease is contagious, doctors do all that they can to make sure it doesn't spread. Mental illness can be spread just by getting too close to it. That is a fact, and it's sick that it's allowed to continue. Now if you're just going keep going with this, I'd ask that you schedule a private meeting to express your concerns. Until then, kindly let us continue with our valid discussion.”

Michael had enough with this. He had recovered from her initial attack and stood up, displaying a slightly fake look of confidence. “I'm leaving then. Wouldn't want to spread my disease any further.” Then he just stood up and walked out.

As soon as he was out the door, Michael let out a shaky sigh. He wanted to lean against the wall and catch his breath, but Jeremy followed him out, and Michael didn’t want him to know how everything had affected him.

“I’m sick of them. Jeremy said. “We aren’t messed up… Right..?”

Thankfully, Jeremy voiced his own insecurities. To Michael, the best way to forget about his own issues was to help someone with their’s. “Not anymore messed up than most people.”

“Good,” Jeremy looked away and leaned against the wall, “Do you think anyone will come after us?”

Michael just shrugged in response, "Probably not. We're adults, and they get paid whether we're there or not."

“Ha. I wish we could have brought more with us.” Jeremy laughed.

Michael laughed a little too. ”Yeah. I don't know what I expected. For her to see the error of her ways? Or to take a stand and lead everyone out of the classroom in protest?" He sighed. "But we might be the ones who have an issue with it." _What were they thinking?_

“Yeah...” After a few seconds, Jeremy spoke, “I hope we aren’t the only ones who actually said anything.”

Inside, Michael feared that they were. ”Yeah. If we are... then this school is way more messed up than we are."

Jeremy laughed, “Let’s just hope that’s not the case.”

"Yeah. Imagine if they outlawed the mentally ill from being around people? It'd be like the zombie apocalypse, except we're the zombies!" Michael said with a grin.

“Wouldn’t that be cool.” Jeremy said, smiling, but then he looked away and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Michael asked.

"Oh. Nothing." Jeremy responded.

Michael paused at this. He wanted to pry further, but figured that Jeremy would tell him if something was wrong. “Okay.” Michael looked down at his hands, which were still shaking from his argument with the teacher. He was started to get over it though, and that’s when he realized how thankful he was that Jeremy had stood with him, and even spoken out.

“Well anyway, thanks for uh... continuing the protest for me after I was shut down. I know you don't like confrontation very much, so... I appreciate it.” he said.

Jeremy smiled at him. “Yeah. It's okay.”

Michael sighed. ”I mean, we both completely failed to make difference, but at least they know that it wasn't just me who disagreed. And who knows? Maybe someone takes what we said to heart.”

“I hope they do.” Jeremy whispered.

Michael nodded."Well, I'd better get going. Don't want to miss an actual important class. I'll see you later.” He waved goodbye to Jeremy, and headed off.

Last time he had his multimedia storytelling class, Michael was too busy busy himself up for ignoring Jeremy to enjoy it. Now, he had his full attention on the teacher, and was enjoying the class a lot. Learning how to convey a message through multiple different mediums was something that really interested Michael.

After that class was done, Michael went to lunch. He thought he would be eating alone again, until Peter came up to him. To his surprise though, Peter looked angry. He sat down with a huff and looked like he was holding back an explosion of emotion.

At first, Michael was worried that Peter’s anger was directed at him, but then Peter looked at him and said, “I want to take the person in charge of the Identity and Vocation class, and ring their neck!”

Michael’s eyes widened, not only because he had never seen Peter so angry before, but also because it seemed to be about the same thing Michael had been upset about. “Trust me buddy, you’re not alone.” he told him.

Peter shook his head. “I mean, you were there for the personality assessment speaker, right?”

Michael nodded.

“Yeah, so the lecture had some good stuff, but I thought some of it was bullshit. I didn’t really pay attention to it that much.” Peter let out an exasperated sigh. “But then, Ollie started acting kinda weird. Shifty, I guess. Like he wanted to say something to me. I asked him what was going on with him, and he finally told me. You know what he told me?”

Michael shrugged, concern in his eyes. “What?”

Peter shook his head in disbelief. “He… tried to apologize… for using me to help him get over his anxiety.” He was slightly seething now. “Because of what that woman said, Ollie that that he was taking advantage of me when I made him feel better about himself.”

Michael’s eyes widened in horror. He himself had been affected by the lecture, but the thought of it having such an impact on someone, someone he knew, who was trying to get better, made him sick. “That’s… Wow. That’s terrible. This is so wrong.” Michael said.

Peter nodded. “Of course, I set him straight. Told him to never, _ever,_ apologize for something like that again.”

Michael couldn’t help but smile a little. “nipped it in the bud huh?”

“Yep. There was no way I was going to let him go on thinking like that.” Peter said, and then sighed. “Ollie has really come out of his shell. He was so quiet when we first met, but now… I mean, Once he let me in, I found out how fun and cool he is.”

Michael nodded. “And he’s been more open to other people now. Like me, Jeremy, and Evan.”

“Right!” Peter agreed. “And thought of him feeling bad about that, or slipping in that progress he’s made… well it makes me sick!”

 _Great minds think alike…_ Michael thought. He nodded at Peter. “Yeah. Jeremy and I have very similar feelings about that lecture. I actually said something in small group.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “Really? How’d that go?”

“Well, besides being told that mental illness is a contagious disease and any of those affected who don’t lock themselves away are totally selfish, it went great!” said Michael sarcastically.

Peter shook his head. “Unbelievable. Someone needs to do something.”

Michael shrugged. “They give us an opportunity to write an evaluation on the teacher’s class and performance at the end of the semester.”

Peter sighed. “I was thinking more of something involving torches and pitchforks.” When Michael shook his head indignantly, he added, “What? It sounds like a taste of her own medicine to me.”

Laughing, Michael said, “Just don’t burn anybody at the stake.”

“I’d only do that if I thought _someone_ was a witch.” Peter replied with a wink.

The two of them laughed, and Peter looked a lot better now that he got that out. They ate in silence for awhile, until Michael asked, “So… any word on Evan?”

Peter swallowed a bite of food and shook his head sadly. “Not really. I know he comes back today. I plan to go over there later and check on him… and find out what happened.”

“Well let me know when you find out.” Michael insisted. “Jeremy and I are really worried about him.”

Peter nodded. “I’ll call you as soon as I find out.”

And he did. Later that day when Michael was back in his dorm, Peter called and explained what happened with Evan, his roommate, and stolen medication.

“And they were able to stabilize him pretty quickly all things considered, but they kept him overnight just in case.” Peter said.

Michael said, "Yeah, that makes sense. God, I just can't believe he would do that!"

“And for drug money?!” Pete exclaimed.

“Right? Yeah, it's crazy." Michael agreed. “At least they were able to it taken care of so quickly”

Peter hummed in agreement. “I’m just glad he’s okay.”

“Yeah... me too.” Michael said. Before he could say anything else, he noticed that Jeremy had entered the room. He smiled, said his goodbye to Peter, and hung up.

“Hey...uh...what’s up?” Jeremy asked.

Michael sighed, "Well, that was Peter on the phone. He went over to Evan's room to find out what happened.”

“Well...what happened?” Jeremy’s voice was filled with worry.

"First of all, he's out of the hospital. He was sleeping when Peter went over, but he's doing fine. He has a new roommate though. His old one... was kind of responsible for what happened."

Jeremy frowned, “What does that mean…?”

Michael sighed again. "I don't know if you know this, but Evan takes medication for anxiety. Xanax, it's called. Well, his roommate kind of... stole it. Evan had really bad withdrawal symptoms and had to go to the ER.”

The worry in Jeremy’s eyes quickly faded into anger, “Why the Hell would he steal it!?” He snapped.

Michael inwardly cringed at Jeremy ’s harsh tone, even though he knew it wasn’t directed at him. “Apparently he sold it. He's like, a drug dealer or something.”

“Geez. Like we need anymore of those on campus...” Jeremy mumbled, bitterly.

Suddenly, Michael's eyes widened. "You don't think... they could be connected... do you? Seth and Andy, and this?” He had been trying not to let the whole situation with them to get to him, but they had been on the back of his mind for awhile. This new thing made him nervous.

Jeremy looked confused for a second, before he understood. “Half of me doesn’t want this to be connected and the other half does...” he muttered.

"Oh man, if it is connected, then there are definitely more people involved, and more people getting hurt!" Michael exclaimed. _And I’m right in the middle of it!_

“Oh shit...” Jeremy froze, “What if…”

“What?”

“What if they start targeting people?” Knowing them, they’d stop at nothing until someone was out of the picture.”

Michael’s paled, and a chill ran down his spine. “They…they already have.”

Jeremy suddenly looked very concerned. “…Michael…what do you mean..?”

Michael stood up and reached into his backpack on the floor. He pulled out the note he had gotten the other day. “I... found this... on my desk yesterday." It read,

—Keep your mouth shut if you want to make it to graduation—

Jeremy covered his mouth.“Holy…They...They gave that to you..?”

"I mean, it's safe to say that it was them. Oh god, if they have other people involved... Literally anyone could be in on it!" _Anyone I’ve met could be with them!_ Michael brought a shaking hand to his mouth and sat down on his bed. "I won't be able to trust anyone!”

Jeremy stood up and started walking slowly towards him, “Michael... it’s okay...it’ll be okay.”

Michael didn’t realize that Jeremy had grown worried about him. He ran his hands through his hair roughly and lowered his head, "I can't trust anyone... everyone I know here could be...with them!” He thought about wondering if he was in danger every time he met someone new. He thought about Seth or Andy going something to him like Vince had done to Evan.

 _Andy… He already tried to take advantage of me. What if he tries it again? What if he spreads lies about what happened?_ Michael’s thoughts were starting to spiral, and he could barely get in a breath.

Suddenly, Jeremy was reaching out to him. “Can I touch you?” he asked carefully.

 _What?_ Michael felt like his brain was filled with fog, and he couldn’t think clearly. His head was spinning. But… Jeremy was reaching out to him, and he trusted that Jeremy wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. So, Michael nodded.

Jeremy put one hand on Michael’s shoulder, and lifted his chin up with the other. Michael was staring directly at Jeremy, who spoke to him in a calm, soothing voice. “Hey, it’s alright. Focus on me, okay?”

Michael nodded, feeling slightly more grounded by Jeremy’s touch and voice, but he was still struggling to breathe. Not knowing what else to do, he simply focused on Jeremy.

“It’s alright. There are still people you can trust. Not everyone’s like them, okay?”

“Okay…yeah.” Michael got out. He took a deep breath, and started to feel better. They stayed like that for a minute or two. Jeremy had gathered Michael into a comforting embrace and was rubbing his back gently as Michael’s breathing began to slow down.

Eventually, Jeremy broke the silence. “Are you feeling better?”

"Um... yeah." Responded Michael. He took another shaky breath. "Sorry... I just... I've been kinda stressed out about this, and I kinda lost it there for a second.”

Jeremy pulled away from him, and gave an awkward smile. “Don’t worry. You have a pretty good reason to lose it.”

Michael smiled too. “Heh, yeah. But... I suppose there are still people I can trust. Especially you."

“Glad you don’t doubt me.”

Michael nodded "Yeah. Thanks for... helping me there.”

“No problem! I mean, you helped me, didn’t you?”

"Yeah." Michael sighed, "So... what do we do now?”

“I...I don’t know...” Jeremy started, “Maybe you should just...lay low...you know..?”

“Lay low?” Michael questioned.

Jeremy looked at him carefully “Don’t...Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Pttf, when have I ever done that?” Michael joked. Jeremy glared at him, and he cleared his throat. “Point taken.” But as he thought about it, Michael wondered if taking a more active approach would be better. “I don’t know, maybe if I looked into what they’re doing, I could…”

“Michael!” Jeremy yelled.

“What?” Michael said, but when he saw Jeremy looking at him with so much worry, he sighed. "Okay... Maybe you're right. If they found out what I was doing, who knows what would happen.”

“You remember what happened the first night?” Jeremy said with concern. “This time, they won’t fail...” he paused, “So promise me you won’t.”

Michael still felt uncertain about it, but he realized that there wasn’t much he could do by himself, so he nodded. "Okay. I promise."

Jeremy sighed in relief, “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He playfully punched Michael’s arm.

Michael smiled. "Yeah. The feeling's mutual buddy.”

“Good.” Jeremy smiled.

Michael nodded, "Well, now that that's settled, uh... how was your day?" The two talked about their days the rest of the night. When it came time to go to bed, Michael found himself having a hard time falling asleep. He was too worried about everything still. Eventually though, he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

The next day, Michael felt like shit. He had a headache, and his mind was still reeling from yesterday’s events. Reluctantly, he slid out of bed and went to take a shower. He felt a little better when he got out, at least good enough that he didn’t need to call in sick. His first class of the day, speech, was starting soon, so he left a still sleeping Jeremy, and went there.

During the class, Michael noticed something strange about Peter. He kept staring at Michael, studying him carefully. He was debating weather or not to approach him about it after class, but Peter was gone before Michael could get to him. In fact, he didn’t see Peter until after lunch.

He went up to Michael, and after a moment, asked “Hey Michael. How’s it going?”

Michael shrugged. “Got a bit bit of a headache, but other than that, I’m good. How about you?”

Peter paused for a bit, before nodding. “I’m good. Listen, I’ve been thinking about what happened to Evan. Well, I mean… something weird happened to me yesterday.”

Michael waited for Peter to continue. After a moment, he sighed. “Seth came up to me and asked if I had seen you with Vince at all. He was acting kinda suspicious.”

Michael’s eyes widened. “What’d you tell him?”

“I told him no, I hadn’t.” Peter answered. “Then he told me that Vince had been arrested, and asked me if I knew why.”

Michael tensed up and grabbed Peter’s shoulder. “You didn’t tell him you? About Evan?”

Peter shook his head. “No, I figured Evan didn’t want it getting around what happened.”

Sighing in relief, Michael let go of Peter, but when he looked at him, he tensed up at Peter’s expression of suspicion. He realized that Peter was probably wondering why he had such a big reaction.

Sure enough, Peter said, “Michael… Why did Seth ask about you first? What’s going on?”

Michael tried to think of a way out of this, but then decided there was none. He had to tell Peter the truth. For the next ten minutes, he explained what happened that night at the lake, Andy confronting him on the way to class, and the note left on his desk. The only thing he left out was the situation in the bathroom. He just… couldn’t bring himself to talk about that.

When he finished, Peter’s eyes were wide. “Dude… that’s messed up.”

“It’s safe to say that, yeah.” Michael said.

Peter looked like he was still processing what Michael had told him. “So… Seth, Andy, Vince, and who knows who else… are in some kind of underground drug dealing ring?”

Michael nodded, and Peter sighed in disbelief. “Man, that’s… I don’t even know what to say. What are we going to do?”

“Well, I told Jeremy I would just lay low until it goes away.” Michael admitted.

Peter shook his head. “Michael, it sounds like this has been going on longer than Seth and Andy have even been here. It’s not just going to go away. We have to do something!”

Michael gave an exasperated sigh. “You don’t think I want to? But like you said, it’s been going on for a long time. What can I possibly do?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know. There must be something.” He looked thoughtful.

“Peter, I don’t want to think it right now. Can we just… not talk about it for now?” Michael pleaded.

Peter looked at Michael for a few moments, and then sighed. “Sure.” Then he put his arm around Michael. “Right, you’ve probably been messed up about this for awhile huh? If I can’t do anything to help stop them right now, at least I can help keep your mind off it.”

Michael smiled. “Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?”

“Have you been to the gaming club?” Peter asked.

“Actually, I have.” Michael said.

Peter grinned. “Then I challenge you to a super smash brothers tournament. Winner buys the loser a drink at the coffee shop.”

Michael laughed. “Oh, you’re on.” Then he pulled out his phone. “Hold on, let me text Jeremy. I bet he’d love to join us.”

**mich-drop: Hey! Peter just challenged me to a smash bros. tournament. Come back me up! At the gaming club**

Peter and Michael went to the gaming club, and once they settled in, Michael started to forget his troubles, at least for awhile. He kept checking his phone to see if Jeremy responded, but he never did. _Well, Jeremy does have other friends now. So do I after all._  
 ****

After a few hours of “smashing” Michael had the victory, and he and Peter went to the coffee shop, where they both had Italian sodas, courtesy of Peter.

“That was great! Thanks for hanging out with me.” said Michael

Peter nodded. “Of course. I’m always happy to hang with my buds, and it looked like you needed a break.” After a moment, he sighed. “Look. I don’t claim to know how to deal with this right now, but if I think of anything that could help you, I’ll let you know, and you let me know if you think of anything.”

Michael nodded. “I will.”

When Michael got back to the dorm, he was in a much better mood than that morning. He got out his books and studied for awhile until Jeremy walked in. He didn’t mention anything about the text, so Michael such assumed he ignored it, which he didn’t have too much of a problem with, especially since spending time with Peter had been such a blast.

Jeremy told Michael about how he had seen Evan, and he was doing fine. This made Michael smile even wider than he had been. For the rest of the evening, the two of them played video games and had fun together.

When it got late, Michael got ready for bed, and unlike last night, he fell into a restful sleep.


	26. Join the Team!

Hey my lovely peoples! I'm sorry this fic has been inactive for so long, but the writer of Jared's chapters has been silent for awhile. After discussing it with the other writers, I've decided to find someone else to take over as Jared's writer.

For those who don't know, this fic is written in a unique way. Each writer takes the point of view of one of the main characters. We have a discord server where we role-play the interacts between the mains, and then ad the role-plays to the chapters. So the person we choose will take over Jared's chapters and role-play with the other writers. We're hoping to get back into the writing game ASAP, with one of you joining us! 

Here's a link to a google drive survey to apply! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1EtP7XPH9ZvHj7hKHZDq_LhbrTXcL7On1b49ZTnt4oHU 


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